i'm trying to really decide if i wanna keep writing in here..i know how it's helped me but i know how it's kept me back too. when i write down all my problems down in here, it's a way for me to get it all out. and while that's good, i really just need to talk to someone. and by the time i talk with someone about it, i don't feel like writing about it anymore. i don't know. but yet, i still want to write and keep a journal of all my thoughts and things..but i'd rather it be filled with good memories not the bad ones. like the best times i have while babysitting...or what a child will say to me that just fills me with joy..things like that i wanna remember, not all the fights i have with friends and family.

but since i got started...this is still bugging me...

two weeks ago, my family went to holiday world and i got the house to myself..so when trying to find something to do i called brit..she was at work, would call me back. she called me while walking to the food court. she said she'd call me back cause she was meeting somewhere there for lunch. she called me back again on her way home..told me she was busy, gonna go home and take a nap and pull some weeds..but maybe we could get together sometime the next week and go out to eat. she told me to call her back tomorrow. so i called morgan, who was working also...so i tried calling adrian, she didn't answer...

i called brit back the next day and she promised we'd have lunch or dinner or something next week. so she didn't say a day or anything cause she didn't know her schedule yet...cause she also had to get ready to go to this summer program for the college she's going to be attending.

last week was the next week. my parents, brother, and sister left for michigan and from there woud head to pennsylvania..to visit relatives we hadn't seen in years. i didn't go...i opted to have the whole house to myself for the week. i think it was tuesday...yes. i called morgan to see what she was doing that week. she was over her boyfriend's house..since it was the fourth of july. i was asking if she could spend the night cause i thought maybe i could invited the girls over for a sleepover or something...since i had the house to myself. but she was busy. i asked her about the next night and she actually told me...on the phone that she thought she might be going camping with adrian and britney. so there's not much else to say so we said goodbye. i call britney and she's over adrian's dad's house for some party or something for the fourth. "oh, why don't you come over" brit said...well at least i was invited..but was it only because i called..um, let me check. yes. if i hadn't called...i woudln't have known a thing about it. but yeah, i said i didn't know where adrian's dad lived...and she told me she had to call me back after she got done eating but asked if i was gonna come. i said i didn't know. she never called back..so guess what? i didn't go..but i wanted to. i wanted to know where it was so i could come hang out. even though i was hurt. i went in the bathroom and laid on the floor and cried...cried...and cried some more.

a couple days later i was on stupid myspace and saw brit posted some new pix. and i stupidly clicked on her profile to look at em. they were pix of her, morgan, and adrian..camping..they actually went..and looked like they had lots of fun. and i can't say that didn't hurt...cause it did alot. esp. since morgan told me on the phone and brit posted pix of it. i mean, what more could they do to make me feel more left out??? nothing...they can't possibly do anything else. i mean, i've called them. i've tried to talk to them...tried to invite them over, hang with them...but it just seems like they blow me off every time. how am i supposed to even get to show them that i am a different person if they don't let me?

so then i went back to wishing i could just keep hating them and never called in the first place. that would have been better than to have to live with the pain in my heart.

brit. left for college on sunday so i won't have to see her anymore at church and i doubt she'll call at all..since she didn't before unless she was calling me back and that didn't happen much either. morgan said she was sorry she always seems busy(well too busy for me it seems) but that we'd get together sometime the next week. i have to say it's wed. of next week already and i haven't heard a word from her..and adrian, i kinda don't wanna call her any..or try to talk to her now cause i can't get mad at her...i'll be rooming with her at college. i'd rather just leave her out of this mess right now and just start really getting to know her when we room together. even thought she had a party at her dad's house and britney was invited but i wasn't. sometimes i wonder if i had a cell phone if things would be different. would they call me more?? esp. if i had the same service that doesn't cost them min. would they talk to me more cause it's not costing them?? hmm...or are they always going to be the same as i thought they were. i blame it on the dgroup. being kicked out just separated me for sure and they got used to doing things as a "dgroup" that when the group finally ended after graduation..they didn't end things....and because i haven't been a part of the group for so long...well i guess that means i'm not their friend..hmm

but i do enjoy spending time with michelle and jennifer more but i can't spend all my time with them. they have families and kids and have to spend time with them too. and since michelle moved, i haven't talked to her as much cause she's always busy with things to do around her new house. but babysitting keeps me busy when i do it. it wasn't til thursday of last week that i got a babysitting job...but then i had my regular on fri. and another one after that..then sat. and sun. night. and then the regular marlee, mon, tues, and today..so i've babysat every day for a whole week. i'm off tomorrow and friday though..unless someone else calls..but jennifer called tonight and she said if i get bored tomorrow(cause i'm not babysitting marlee) to give her a call...and i just might cause during the day her husband works so i don't feel as bad as coming over and hanging out with her...last week he was off...all week..so i just didn't go over much, they were doing things as a family.

so i had the house to myself for a whole week but yet nobody came over. i went out..places...haha..no i was babysitting and that's about it. babysitting and pigging out on junk food. i also read alot but didn't spend that much time online. the only thing i seem to do anymore online is email and myspace. yup, quicker things...but i'd rather keep blogging in this, if i give myself enough time to sit down and do it.

but since i got started...this is still bugging me...

two weeks ago, my family went to holiday world and i got the house to myself..so when trying to find something to do i called brit..she was at work, would call me back. she called me while walking to the food court. she said she'd call me back cause she was meeting somewhere there for lunch. she called me back again on her way home..told me she was busy, gonna go home and take a nap and pull some weeds..but maybe we could get together sometime the next week and go out to eat. she told me to call her back tomorrow. so i called morgan, who was working also...so i tried calling adrian, she didn't answer...

i called brit back the next day and she promised we'd have lunch or dinner or something next week. so she didn't say a day or anything cause she didn't know her schedule yet...cause she also had to get ready to go to this summer program for the college she's going to be attending.

last week was the next week. my parents, brother, and sister left for michigan and from there woud head to pennsylvania..to visit relatives we hadn't seen in years. i didn't go...i opted to have the whole house to myself for the week. i think it was tuesday...yes. i called morgan to see what she was doing that week. she was over her boyfriend's house..since it was the fourth of july. i was asking if she could spend the night cause i thought maybe i could invited the girls over for a sleepover or something...since i had the house to myself. but she was busy. i asked her about the next night and she actually told me...on the phone that she thought she might be going camping with adrian and britney. so there's not much else to say so we said goodbye. i call britney and she's over adrian's dad's house for some party or something for the fourth. "oh, why don't you come over" brit said...well at least i was invited..but was it only because i called..um, let me check. yes. if i hadn't called...i woudln't have known a thing about it. but yeah, i said i didn't know where adrian's dad lived...and she told me she had to call me back after she got done eating but asked if i was gonna come. i said i didn't know. she never called back..so guess what? i didn't go..but i wanted to. i wanted to know where it was so i could come hang out. even though i was hurt. i went in the bathroom and layed on the floor and cried...cried...and cried some more.

a couple days later i was on stupid myspace and saw brit posted some new pix. and i stupidly clicked on her profile to look at em. they were pix of her, morgan, and adrian..camping..they actually went..and looked like they had lots of fun. and i can't say that didn't hurt...cause it did alot. esp. since morgan told me on the phone and brit posted pix of it. i mean, what more could they do to make me feel more left out??? nothing...they can't possibly do anything else. i mean, i've called them. i've tried to talk to them...tried to invite them over, hang with them...but it just seems like they blow me off every time. how am i supposed to even get to show them that i am a differnet person if they don't let me?

so then i went back to wishing i could just keep hating em and never called in the first place. that would have been better than to have to live with the pain in my heart.

brit. left for college on sunday so i won't have to see her anymore at church and i doubt she'll call at all..since she didn't before unless she was calling me back and that didn't happen much either. morgan said she was sorry she always seems busy(well too busy for me it seems) but that we'd get together sometime the next week. i have to say it's wed. of next week already and i haven't heard a word from her..and adrian, i kinda don't wanna call her any..or try to talk to her now cause i can't get mad at her...i'll be rooming with her at college. i'd rather just leave her out of this mess right now and just start really getting to know her when we room together. even thought she had a party at her dad's house and britney was invited but i wasn't. sometimes i wonder if i had a cell phone if things would be different. would they call me more?? esp. if i had the same service that doesn't cost them min. would they talk to me more cause it's not costing them?? hmm...or are they always going to be the same as i thought they were. i blame it on the dgroup. being kicked out just separated me for sure and they got used to doing things as a "dgroup" that when the group finally ended after graduation..they didn't end things....and because i haven't been a part of the group for so long...well i guess that means i'm not their friend..hmm

but i do enjoy spending time with michelle and jennifer more but i can't spend all my time with them. they have families and kids and have to spend time with them too. and since michelle moved, i haven't talked to her as much cause she's always busy with things to do around her new house. but babysitting keeps me busy when i do it. it wasn't til thursday of last week that i got a babysitting job...but then i had my regular on fri. and another one after that..then sat. and sun. night. and then the regular marlee, mon, tues, and today..so i've babysat every day for a whole week. i'm off tomorrow and friday though..unless someone else calls..but jennifer called tonight and she said if i get bored tomorrow(cause i'm not babysitting marlee) to give her a call...and i just might cause during the day her husband works so i don't feel as bad as coming over and hanging out with her...last week he was off...all week..so i just didn't go over much, they were doing things as a family.

so i had the house to myself for a whole week but yet nobody came over. i went out..places...haha..no i was babysitting and that's about it. babysitting and pigging out on junk food. i also read alot but didn't spend that much time online. the only thing i seem to do anymore online is email and myspace. yup, quicker things...but i'd rather keep blogging in this, if i give myself enough time to sit down and do it.