i just realized i have 2 tests on friday. one in music appreciation and one in hebrew. and thursday night i have to do my presentation for intro to children's lit. i have to read a book to the entire class and plan an activity. i also have to write up a lesson plan to go along with it. i have the book picked out, it's a favorite with the preschoolers back home. they are always having me read it so i bought it. it's called "designed by god so i must be special" i love the illustrations and the message it has for young children...but these are college aged ppl. i don't want to read to them!

tomorrow i meet with my advisor to schedule for next semester's classes. i think i'm going to take 2 night classes to get them out of the way, in case i do decide to do a 6 month internship the spring of my junior year. i really think it would be the best for me. not to just get away from here for a bit before my senior year, but to give me a longer experience in ministry and to get to know the kids a bit longer. 3 months and then leaving, that seems a little hard. i'm just not sure what church i would go to, i'm thinking some place close to home...because i truly miss my kids back there, more than anything. and i really want to see baby seth grow up, just a little bit. i want to be a little part of his life...like i am with his 2 older brothers.

so with all this i have to do, i escaped off to my spot in the woods...down by the river again tonight. but after reading the bible, a book of mine, and writing...i read a children's book, "because of winn-dixie" as 1 of the 70 books i have to read for my children's lit class...so i feel like i kinda did a little something. even though i really wanted to read that and i could have waited. now i want to watch the movie again. i don't know why i love it so much, it centers on a dog and i hate dogs. i think i like the little girl...and now i can't decide which is better, the book or the movie. i think i love both. the book held the same magic as the movie did...

and tonight, at work...i read another book for my class, "charlotte's web" which is another good book and i love that movie too, but i have yet to buy it because the girls i babysat all summer, they watched that movie all the time, so i got to see it all the time...

and with all the work i have for the rest of the week, i'm just wasting time on the internet or with friends right now...because i'd rather put it off and just enjoy my night. who knows maybe i'll get to bed early cause i have a 7:35 tomorrow morning.

i don't have much depth for my writing tonight, just some of the things that are happening or have been happening. i've been writing alot more in a journal lately..but still not much poetry, as inspired as i have been, i can't put the pen to the paper to write that poem.

probably because of fear of disappointment. the worst thing that can happen is when i try to write a poem that i think sounds good and expresses the emotion i'm trying to express...and then failing. so it's all i can think about, all i can write about...maybe even all i can talk about (you know, the voices in my head) but i can't put aside that time and that energy and that creativity into a poem. i'd rather dwell on reading my old works of art. i think i seriously wrote better when i was depressed...so now that i'm happier, now that i'm more joyful, i fear i lost some of that drive...some of that energy...that creativity.

ahh, and just writing about this fuels my anger and disappointment in myself...and in my writing.