"image is overrated...if it washes off in the rain. you know you gotta go deeper...to go against the grain" ~krystal meyers

my anger got the better of me...and i had to write. no matter how much hw i am putting off right now. i think this is way more important to get out.

i just realized that, no matter what i do...they will never like what i like. they will always like that things i don't better..and i just have to live with that. it's been that way my whole life. i've always been different, weird, unique, or a loser. whatever words you choose to call me. i don't care... (((most of the time))) i hate admitting how bad it hurts sometimes just to be my silly, wild, crazy, different self. most of the times, the names people choose to throw my way don't bother me one bit. then there's days like today. sometimes i just want to go back to blending into my surroundings again rather than standing out. when did i become this person that likes to stand out??? i haven't a clue, it's just harder sometimes than other days. sometimes i'm able to laugh at myself more than others. but the fact is, i'll deal. i don't need your acceptance or opinion of who i should be...and i've realized i can change some things about me throughout the course of time and growing older...but the core of who i am will always remain the same...and i am this way for a reason i suppose...though sometimes that reason seems to get blurred...and i find myself wanting to disappear all over again...

people will always let you don't. people will constantly disappoint you. you may even think, for a first, you finally have friends. things are looking up. brighter days are ahead. then something you bring up...they have something they think is better. and they leave you for that something better. sure, they invite you to join them in the activity they are about to participate in...but you feel it's wrong, you don't feel you can do that. there's a reason you were doing the thing you were doing. there's a reason you were showing them...because you thought it was cool, enjoyable....maybe even fun. only to have them think of something better and quickly leave you to your solitude. it's ok, most of time you'd prefer the solitude over them...but only most of the time...not all of the time.

embracing solace is about embracing a soulful healing. seeking out that layer of healing and comfort in my life and wrapping it all around me. welcoming it into my life. letting it penetrate the very being of me and change everything about me--my outlook, my attitude, my personality. letting god be the one to give me that healing, comfort, and joy in my life that keeps peace and serenity in my life when i seek after him. but the fact is, i'm only human...and i will get let down...and disappointed in people, in their actions, their choices...and just the very personality of them. i can say things don't bother me when they truly do...i can feel wrong for being this way...but it happens. and when the tears form in the corners of my eyes...that's when i know it's over. i will not cry. not over something as silly, stupid...and as small as this. not this at all. it's just music. what's the big deal? why is it so important to me? i've been through things much worse than this and often times have felt the pain of not being able to cry. just wishing i could let out some kind of emotion so that i could know i was still real. so that i could find comfort and healing in tears...but it often took something else to trigger those tears. so why now? at something so insignificant as this?

often times i don't understand myself...or the reason i let others offend or hurt me. and they go about innocently...not knowing that anything's wrong...and i will never tell them. and because it's not a big deal...i will soon forget and life will move on again. but just for that one moment, i wonder...why....why do i allow the actions and words of others to hurt me???

i think it all leads back to our human nature as people and how we long for acceptance and love from others. no matter how much we claim we hate people or don't care what others think...we do, don't we? as much as i would hate to admit it, tonight my eyes have been opened about how even i, long for the acceptance of others…but i am firm and know i will not conform to their standards of things to be accepted. i know i may be a bit vague on certain things...but at least i understand what i'm trying to say. so…here i am left. i will not do what they do...i will continue doing what i do. they will leave me...and what now? i guess that is where i am stuck now....hoping to embrace the solace....in the calm and in the quiet...letting the words and actions of others to wash over me....and continue to stand firm in my beliefs and the strong person that i am today.