i'm suffering. laying here...feeling almost lifeless. any form of hope left, crushed and abandoned in the dust...music rings through my ears. trying to drown out all the other sounds. the sounds and voices still ringing in my ears. the memories from this day. my dad screaming, yelling, arguing...stupid words coming from his mouth. my brother. screaming, yelling, arguing....my left arm still tender from his punches in the car...because he didn't want to hear my voice anymore. my sister, lucky, getting to escape. left to spend the night over our cousin's house. not having to come home in the car and hear the remainder of the fights...the remainder of the arguments and fights held over this wonderful holiday.

trying to remember what exactly it is i'm thankful for when everything seems to be falling apart in my life once more. trying to rediscover this hope i'm so tenderly trying to hold onto. how did things go so wrong? how did i let myself get into this oh so familiar mood once again.

i hate myself for letting it get to me. i hate myself for letting them get to me. my dad and my brother. it's too stressful, too much. no matter how many times i come home to this, i will never adjust. because it's doesn't seem like this is the life i'm meant to live. and i can't. i can't deal with this pain anymore. i can't go through the periods of good times at school only to come home to the dark periods of life.

i really wish i had somewhere to go right now, tonight. forget that it's midnight. i feel like i'm slowly wasting away right now, locked in my room on the internet. i feel like i'm dying. that i might give in. that i hate myself so much. it's a wonder i can still type with all the tears forming in my eyes. i wish i had someone to call, but it's so late. i wish i had a friend to talk to. i really wish i wasn't here...alone. after the mess of today, the last thing i need is to be locked in a room...all alone. it's so dangerous. we're not meant to live life like this. we're not meant to live in fear of ourselves. i just want to scream. the pain hurts so bad. i wish i could be with my kids tonight...my friends. people who care. because i know they're out there somewhere...just not at home.

i don't think i can write anymore tonight. this pain is just too new, too tender...and right now...it's just hurting too bad...and i actually think writing about this now, is making it worse. and i really wish it wasn't. i know i have to deal with this eventually. i just don't think i can deal tonight. i'm slowly slipping away...and i don't want to. it'll take forever again for me to get back to where i was...