i remember what i was going to write about last night. amy and i were talking on aim about how my life has changed since she's graduated...and i hope she doesn't mind me putting this up, but i doubt she reads this anymore...

anyways, i was telling her how well i'm doing now and how things have changed since she's been here, and she asks this question...

her: what are you doing to protect yourself

and that threw me off for a second. it made me wonder. what am i really doing? nothing. sure i may be going to the river, praying, reading the bible...but am i really prepared for satan's next attack???? and then she continues to write...

her: im just so proud of you, you are doing so much and going out having fun, writing . when we are able to feel the Joy that God has for us sometimes the thought of bad goes away , kinda if you know what I mean. And from experience, if you walk in that joy but not prepare for the next time in your life, you might fall hard and wonder where the heck this weight came from. I cant tell you how to prepare other than flooding your mind with Gods truth of who he is , so when the dark does come you can yell the truth at it and shield the lies. I hope that make sense. I wish i was there to see you too but it makes me happy enough to just hear from you

and then i wonder....will i really make it. i know i need to follow her advice. but it just seems so hard. and i don't know, in a way her encouraging advice just seems to weigh me down tonight. because i know trouble is coming. in fact, it may come in a week...when i'm back at home. and then at church sunday, the preacher was talking about making promises to god about not doing a certain sin anymore and then failing. and always doing what you said you wouldn't..and it just felt like in my mind, he was going on and on about it, i'm sure he wasn't. maybe it was the voice of doubt in my head going on and on. you will not make it. you've never made it before. why would this time be different. you fell before, the next time will be harder and harder. and on and on, it seems like the people and the places where you're supposed to be lifted up the most are now weighing me down. and discouraging me. and i don't know.

so the bad has gone away, but it's coming back. maybe it's already here. maybe this is what i should have been preparing for. shielding myself from the doubtful voices that have infiltrated my mind right now. but i think it's too late. i've already let them in...and my mind is too weak to stop them. what will i do to protect myself? will a promise made to God withstand my previous failures and stumbling. and then when i just think about these things, it tears me up inside and just more than ever i want to be that person again and just hurt myself to make me feel pain. to make me cry. to just let out all of the emotion and pain that still seems to be inside of me that i've learned very well to keep well hidden. i don't know if someone who's never been here will ever understand the need for self-harm to feel better...to feel peace, control..and the need to feel the physical pain in hopes of drowning out the emotional pain and the hurting heart. and then i wonder why so often i've tried to explain it to people..and they don't understand? does that mean they've never felt the depth of the pain i've felt...and if so, why not? or maybe i'm just more in touch with my emotions...maybe that's the thoughtful, writing, side of me...and then i wonder why i have to be like that. and why i can't just heal...completely.

i thought this was well behind. but maybe not. and am i prepared for the next attack satan will throw at me? am i prepared to keep my promise to God...am i prepared for this last week of school...or to go home for thanksgiving...

perhaps not.

i need help.
guidance.

i just need a good cry. and then someone to talk to. maybe michelle...but lately the only advice she's been giving me is to go to counseling. and that's good and all, but i never ever want to go here...it's just the stubborn side of me. i know people in the counseling department. i'd rather go back home, where i used to go to. i liked her. alot. i don't need another stranger to talk to. or another strange place. i just need to get this out and then stop thinking about it, before it gets me even more down then i already am...