another long lost memory caught in the depths of my mind...

christmas break, i can't recall how many years ago. but in an attempt to not be so afraid and alone, i call morgan to see if she wants to hang out...but she's too busy for me. i can't blame her, i'm no fun, especially at this low point in my life.

the pain fills my being once again. i can't do anything about it...there's nothing i could possibly do to stop the aching in my heart so i do only what i know i can do. something that will take over the emotional ache in my heart and fill my being with something real, something physically painful. something that i have a reason to complain about. i scratch the surface of my skin with my nails....relief does not come too quickly this time. the emotional pain is too much to bear. i look around the room for sharper objects, something that will hurt worse but won't make me bleed. something that is safe and unsafe at the same time. my keys. quickly i grab those and dig them into my tender flesh...and it has left it's mark while the skin slowly raises and turns red....in time, it'll fade...but now, in this very moment....the mark left on my skin for the world to see the depth of my pain. and still, not satisfied i race to the bathroom, lock the door and sink to the floor. i open one of the drawers and a nail file is in my hand and before i know what is happening, the incident with my nails and the keys is repeated. the tears are spilling down my cheeks and i'm caught wondering if this really does help. if it really does satisfy me for the moment...i can still feel the emotional hurt...does that mean i should continue with this? finding sharper and more painful objects until i go completely numb and fade into nothing….slip away forever…

the moment soon comes. i open the shower curtain and grab the precious razor. my mind back flashes to all the stories i've read of the "cutters" out there. the ones who have no other choice. even my online friend, perfect110, from here and other places...even she cuts the skin to move on with life, to get over things. so what was stopping me from being just like them? what was really stopping them? all these friends i've made in this online world of mine…all of them struggle with it, so why can't i???

clenching my fists and holding tight to the relief that exists in my hands i continue to just cry and cry and i can't stop myself anymore. it's hard to breathe. i feel suffocated. and in that very moment i hold my left hand out...i stare at the raised marks on my skin from my previous explosion. i hold the green razor cautiously to my skin, feeling it's cold blades against my tender skin...imagining what it'd be like for it to cut deep into my skin. just playing around with the idea in my head while i'm crying out for relief and something to stop the hurt. minutes go by as i toy with the idea of just getting it over with...done with. and doing the very thing i promised myself i'd never doing. flirting with this evil, what had i succumbed myself to!?!

and then the songs i listen to, their lyrics just flowing through my head right now...

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"the hurt she can’t handle overflows to a knife…she writes on her arm wants to give up her life" ~Superchick

"my arms are sliced up..but I'm not embarrassed…it's the only way I get attention now from my parents" ~KJ-52

"I'm tired of feeling so numb...relief exists I find it when, I am cut" ~Plumb

"She's the girl that sits in the back
Dark shirt and her hair is black
She cuts herself but ya can't see that
Long sleeves they hide the facts"
~KJ-52

"something's gone wrong in my head...i wish i was dead…the cuts on my wrist bled..." ~Cross Movement

"I let it go to breathe...I can't take it anymore...I refuse to wake up one more time, bleeding on the floor" ~Krystal Meyers

"You come to me with your scars on your wrist...you tell me this will be the last night feeling like this" ~Skillet

"Needing so much more than tomorrow...as she stares at the scars on her wrist" ~Plumb
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

all these people who have struggled deeply with the very temptation that i was about to surrender to...did i want to be just like them. yes. i believe i did. the thought seemed fitting for a person like me. the idea...very tempting. even what i did struggle with seems like not much compared to the depth of emotion and pain found in songs like this…

but going back to that night, no i never did cut the skin...i never did make myself bleed. the razor just touched my skin...and felt really good sitting there, but i did not give into that. while i scratched at the surface many times and i thought about cutting several times after that, never was the temptation as great as it was that night. never again would i like to experience that. even though i've come to realize that what i was doing was still as great of a temptation and was still as wrong...i've learned and moved on since then. it's still something i think about, sometimes almost weekly...every time life seems too much. it has becoming a coping mechanism with me and a continued fight and struggle in my life. but it's been months..since may actually, since i've given into that temptation. and i hope to continue to remain strong...as strong as i did that night with the razor.

if i were asked to think about one of the hardest moments in my life, that night would be one of them. it was the night i seriously couldn't decide whether or not i wanted to bleed...it was almost as if i was thinking about my own suicide. at least that's how it feels now and if i were to tell you any differently, i would feel like i'm betraying you with the words on this page...

another memory freed from my mind...and i'll end with a more hopeful quote from one of my favorite songs...

"you will bring beauty from my pain" ~superchick

i wholeheartedly believe this now...