so yesterday i started blogging in here..then my mom yelled at me to get off the net..so i did..and i was going to finish it later..only thing is i was planning on going to southeast for after hours around 9 at night..but i was so exhausted from the week so i was going to take a little nap...well, i laid down around 6:30 and i didn't wake up til 9:30..i had to get up to take my contacts out, they were all sticking to my eyelids and everything and then i brushed my teeth and got back in bed..that's how tired i was..cause i knew i had to get up early at 6:30 in the morning today...so yeah, i missed after hours..but i got 12 hours of sleep last night. because of that i also missed supernanny on tv, which i love cause it's one of few shows i watch now on tv. oh well. cept now i lost all i wrote yesterday cause the computer got turned off sometime while i was snoozing away.

so this morning i had to get up so early for "job training"..haha..from 8am to 4pm...so this lady at my church works with this association that helps teach dyslexic kids how to read, write, spell, etc. and she was talking to my mom about it when my mom said i needed a job. ha..so yeah, i decided to do this, so i went to the training to learn how to tutor one of these kids. it was long..but then it's only every saturday for like 3 or 4 hours for 9 weeks...and then i don't have to do it anymore if i don't want. and i don't remember how much i'll make, but i know it's a big amount. the only thing is that it's gonna be hard at first for me cause i've never been around a dyslexic kid before much less tried to teach them their letters and things. i haven't even taught a "normal kid" that yet...it starts in two weeks. i have a lesson plan i have to look over and prepare for every week...

after training today my mom picked me up..my dad and sister were with her and we went over to southeast to watch my cousin get baptized...it's my youngest cousin out of that family..the only relatives of mine that live nearby..yeah, she's 8 already..seems so hard to believe, she's still so tiny. so we got her a journal for a present which she loved cause she's at that age where she loves writing in journals..hehe..some ppl never grow out of that..or maybe it's just cause i don't have anything better to do, i don't know. anyways during the service i (of course) didn't sit with my family, i sat in the row behind em..my other cousins were two rows ahead, it wasn't my fault they didn't have any more seats in their row but i wasn't about to sit next to my fam...anyways i looked at my sister during one of the songs, and i knew it was one that was on her worship cds that she loves. i found a notebook on our floor the other day and she had written the lyrics to the songs in there..haha so like me..so anyways i see her singing the song and i can tell she's really loving it and it just tears me up to see her worshipping like that...i've never really been in church with her before..since at our church she goes to the kids worship..but yea, i just couldn't help thinking of how i know i used to be like that when i was younger and then things changed..and i just know she's going to have to go through some of the same things and just watching her, i don't want her to have to experience what i have...it just seems so wrong..so then little amanda was baptized by her dad, my uncle, and that again teared me up to hear her repeat her confession of faith. she's so sweet..and innocent..and it's hard to believe that she understands all that..i don't know, i kinda miss her...she's the last little one and she's growing up...we don't visit them as much as we used to cause there's always fighting in the car..which...i'll get to know...

my sister decided to go with my cousins to spend the night so it was just me..my mom..and my dad in the car...so i just happened to tell my dad where to turn...which i guess i shouldn't have done..i was just proud i knew where to go now..so then he's saying yeah, it's by the mcdonalds but do you know what direction it is?....and i did..i just didn't say that, maybe i should've just said 'east' and then nothing would happen..but i said it didn't matter cause i'm looking for landmarks..so he went on and on about how i have to know where i am and where i'm going..and here's the thing, i already know how to get home from southeast cause of counseling but i guess he didn't believe me or something...so then i tell him just to be quiet now..and my mom starts arguing with him on who should be quiet..my dad says something about how he's "correcting me" and my mom says that he can't correct me anymore cause i'm "18" and it's up to me now that i'm an adult. and i guess that made him really mad..so they start fighting..and i'm just in the back trying to listen to my musik and forget about them..geeze...

let's see...thursday i met with val at wendy's to go over week 1 in my devo..it was good...nice...we talked for a little first too. things are ok with me and her now, at least i think..it was kinda weird meeting up at wendy's but i guess she still doesn't want me coming over or maybe cause her kids are at home...and it would be less distracting somewhere else. oh yeah, and i emailed her my personal narrative that was about beau and she said it was good...i got an 87 on it..so i was glad cause the teacher says if you get an 86 or higher it means it’s a proficient..so yeah, mine’s a low one..but still not many others in the class are there yet..so at least i feel like i can write pretty good for a first time draft. or i'm just thinking that maybe it's the fact that it was about little kids and my teacher has two little boys herself..i mean she wrote on my paper "you are right, a child's smile is the best reward" something like that..ahh i don't know...anyways i also emailed jen saying i wanna hang out and talk to her..she said she'd love to..sometime soon..so i don't know when, i'll see tomorrow what's she's up to, i think tomorrow and wed. are her last days...i know friday was her last day at the office cause she sent everyone on her mailing list her new email address..so at least i'll still be able to email her..and can avoid the phone..somewhat.

so with things like that i'm doing pretty good. i mean that thing with jen, i cried for the first few nights straight..once thinking about hurting myself but never acting on it..and now i'm kinda ok with it..yeah, it's still sad when i think about it..but i'll get through it. and other than that, i feel pretty ok about other things too...or maybe it's cause this past week sleep was about 4-5 hours a night..so maybe i was out of it so much that i had no clue what was happening..and no time to feel...or hurt. or maybe not....but i think i'm a whole lot better than i was during the summer. just not with friends..it seems like i talked more to the teenagers awhile back then i am now..but whatever. i've been trying...but i can't talk to everyone. like at school on friday i was with kristen in latin and we were supposed to be working on our poems..we were in the cafeteria so we were sitting in a booth with three other girls that kristen probably knows more about then me..but on girl was having a hard time..she was talking about how two of her close friends had died, i think one was shot, and she found out her best friend was anorexic, and every weekend she just goes to parties and gets wasted...and basically she was saying how bad her life is but she doesn't know what to do....this one thing stuck in my mind through...she said "i just need to learn how to deal with my problems..i don't know how to deal with anything" and then she went on to say how when she asks us all how our weekends are kristen always talking about how much fun she had with her boyfriend and i'm saying something about how fun church was..and all she has to say is about how drunk she got...and first of all, i don't talk about my weekends much...at least to her..she's never asked me..and i'm also thinking...if she has problems like that, does she not think anyone else does...but just doesn't talk about them..and i guess she does..i've never heard someone just talk so openly about their life before..and then she talkes about how she hates her life and she just wants to die...and kristen says "no don't think like that" and she says "no not like that, i've never though about killing myself, i can't think about that, i would never be so stupid to kill myself"..and just hearing all that was so uncomfortable for me. and i realized how much i have hid my life from everybody. esp. kristen who has no idea that thoughts of suicide have consumed my mind before..or at least the strong desire to just want to die. and if she was telling the truth, i can't help but think how strong she is to be in the situations that she's in and not think about something like that..and in that moment i realized how bad my life could be...it could be worse...it could be alot worse...and my life isn't bad at all..and because of that i felt bad...ahh it was just all weird.

keep going back..last sunday was the preschool pumpkin pick after church which i stayed after for. i helped jeff bring in the pumpkins and hide them in the preschool hall...and then i ate with the preschoolers, hayden came over and said he was going to sit by me....and riley and blake sat across from me...the boys i babysat...not many kids were there though but it was still fun.

and that's all i feel like writing now..i need to get to bed...so i can sleep..so i can go to church in the morning..and then at night..and then be awake enough to do all my stinking homework that teachers like to pile on us before thanksgiving...ugh! oh yeah, and i've worked on myspace alot lately so if you haven't been there in awhile check it out! my profile pix is awesome..hehe~so later....maybe much later...maybe not...oh yah, and avatars are always fun...soo...enjoy. night.
♥ rain_drop ♥