i can't do this anymore. i can't fight it..the feelings..the thoughts...the things that spark the urges to just....ahh...scream. punch myself. hurt myself. just do something. i'm such a screw up. i can't do anything right. and everyone's always mad at me. i thought things would be different here...but no, apparently i can never do the right thing...say the right thing. i don't know how to be a friend because i've never been one. growing up ppl were always mad at me. morgan and me fought all the time, but we called ourselves friends. the girls in the dgroup got mad at me all the time. brit got mad at me for the things i did to myself. val got mad at me..and kicked me out of the group. even my counselor got mad at me..i don't know if she'd call it that or not, but mad...frustrated..it's all the same thing. and now i just push ppl far away again..and put up those walls again...because i can't do this. i can't be open and honest with people just to have them do this to me. it hurts too much. it hurts to bad...it makes me think things i don't wanna thing and feel like doing things that i'm supposed to be staying away from. and what really stinks is the fact that the person i'd call when i'm in my mood like this is the very person that got all mad at me in the first place. i found this on someone's page one time...

"Sometimes you put walls up NOT to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down."

and i thought it was true..but then really thinking about it..i dunno. i think i just love keeping ppl out though. it's much safer that way. it's what i know. from experience letting ppl in has always been a let down and always will be. i get to angry and frustrated and i take it out on myself too much. but i'm sick of this. i'm tired of being alone when i'm fighting this horrible fight. i'm tired of living though it. i'm just tired.

i just wish i could scream and cry myself to sleep right now..but i'm scared. i'm scared someone will come in and see me. i don't want to talk to anyone now. i don't want to be around anyone...but it's not safe here...unless i went in the bathroom..that's the only place i found comfort and safety so far...but i don't wanna lock myself in there tonight...cause i'm scared. i think i'm more scared of myself and what i'm capable of doing in this state i'm in. so it's better not to cry...and stay where anyone could interupt me at any given moment.

what gets to me the most is the fact that i can't just kill myself to get it all over...no matter how much i keep thinking that i wish i could, i can't. i really don't want to. yet i can't stop wallowing in those thoughts of selfishness and suicide. i hate this. and i hate feeling like this. i hate it all..i wish it would just stop. i wish i could just be completly healed better...i just hate who i am and how i seem to have an inabliltiy to change...no matter how hard i try...for now, my walls remain...i will remain in my self pity and depression...yes. because that's who i am and that's all i'll ever be.