if i thought the voices of doubt were loud the last time...they are louder than ever now.

all i can think about is home. i'm going home tomorrow for a week...and then two weeks after that i'll be home again for christmas break...which is like a month long...and i'm scared now more than ever to go home, to face my family, the life i once lived in that very house, in my very room. existing in the same house with these people i call my family...in this place that should be called a home....the walls crushing me with memories of growing up there....the ugly words exchanged...the fighting that took place....the shame and worthlessness i felt while living under that roof...

and my mom...who always called me dramatic...writing this i feel like i may be...writing all this i feel like i might be making it seem worse that it really was, is...but it doesn't stop the fact that the tears rolled down my cheeks this morning as i was curled up in my bed trying to nap...trying to block out these voices that are ready to take me down. ready to see me fail. it doesn't stop the fact that i feel all alone and scared...and i really don't know how strong i really am. can i fight it? can i make the most of this break...living back home?

so i'm scared. i'm hoping i can keep busy hanging out at my friend's house with their kids...and maybe i'll even see adrian some...she told me she'd call me when hanging out with some of our old friends morgan and brit. if i can even call them my old friends. but anyways, i have to work at the library now, and then my mom and sis should be here a little after that to spend the night...and we head home tomorrow. i really hope i can make it...