"Life is so crazy. It's strange how you make friendships with people you never thought you would, and never make some with people that you thought you would. It's neat too when you find those really special, true friends...

I'm trying so hard not to be gloomy and down for my last week here, but it is so difficult when everyone I see says, "so your last days are coming huh?" I want to cry every single time. Why is that when I start to open up to people, and trust them- they have to leave? Or I have to go?"

~perfect110~

i always knew there was a reason i was friends with perfect...she expressed what i had to say in a way i'm not sure how i would have said it. this summer she's been living with a family and taking care of their kids and she's about to return home...in three weeks i'm leaving to go to college. our last days are coming. she has found a place she absolutely loves and i'm leaving a place i absolutely hate...and hopefully going to a place i love. but leaving the kids here will be difficult and leaving my friends i have found this year....2006...sigh..

this last week i've been thinking alot about how things will be when i'm leaving. everytime someone i babysit for tells me they don't know what they'll do with me gone..up to when jennifer or michelle will tell me how their going to miss me..how their kids are going to miss me. every time amanda asks if i’m going to come to her b-day party..she'll be four..and i have to tell her that’s the day i’m going to be leaving for big girl school....knowing she doesn't really understand what's about to happen...school to her is a few hours a day..three days a week...and she always goes home afterwards...she doesn't understand that i'm leaving for school and will be gone months at a time.

so i've been thinking alot about how i don't wanna leave my church, those kids...my friends...but then the past couple of days being here at home...makes me wanna leave like today! i guess all this babysitting away from home made me forget what it's like to live here in this house with my family. my brother will not stop hitting me...my dad won't leave me alone about the stupid laptop or desktop i'm getting...and my mom just keeps nagging me about stupid things. like yesterday she talked about how she can't stand in that i put all my cds in a little basket. she tells me they'll get ruined and scratched. i told her that's how i want them. i told her i didn't care. it didn't matter what i said she just wouldn't stop...she kept going on and on about how she can't stand how i don't treat my stuff that i buy or ppl buy me with respect. something just as little as a stupid rap cd. and last night i was trying to watch tv while i did my puzzle and my mom was going to go shopping with our neighbor. my brother comes in the room and starts bugging me and i tell my mom not to leave me alone with him. i don't wanna be alone with my brother anymore. he scares me...yah, i said it. i'm scared of my brother. i don't wanna fight with him...but he always bugs me and he can hurt me. i know that. she left and my brother turns on his radio that he hooked to some computer speakers to where i can't hear my tv show. so i take the radio from him and he punches me. i go outside to tell my mom and he locks me out of the house. so my mom has to come back to unlock the door..meanwhile my arm is hurting really bad cause well, he punched me hard. so i grab my keys and leave. i drive around aimlessly for an hr. hoping by the time i get back my mom will be back from shopping. so i come home and it's 10:20 at night, my mom is home...and i don't wanna talk to her so i go to my room and try to go to sleep..it took awhile since i wasn't tired..but i eventully fell asleep...so yah, i wasted gas but it got me out of the house. by the way, i hate driving..esp. if i have no where to go..but that's just become a habit of mine...and i hate it. i would have rather done my puzzle and watched tv.

so anyways many things have been happening around the house lately that make me wanna leave now. i don't know, i'm just tired of listening to all the fighting...

so i'm more ready for college now that i went shopping today. 4 hours of shopping and $130 later i now have 2 pairs of blue jeans, a khaki pair of pants, a blue pair of pants, a pair of crops, 4 nicer shirts, and a dressier pair of tennis shoes, and oh yah....two skirts...so we went to this place that sells used clothes first...they have alot of name brand clothes and so i now have a pair of american eagle blue jeans that were only $15 and my khaki pants are ae too and were $12. so most of the clothes i got were from there. so now i actually have some clothes that are acceptable at the college i'm going too. since i have chapel three times a week and church on sunday i knew i had to get some dressier clothes and since i can't wear sweatpants to class..i knew it was time to find some comfy jeans i like. so there...i'm done for the moment..and i'm so worn out cause i hate shopping, but i am excited that i was able to find all this today.

so what else is new? i'm still babysitting..making at least $75 a week...most of the time more though not for this week cause i couldn't get any extra jobs at night due to vbs. yah, vbs this week was exhausting. they put me with the 3 year olds, i kinda wanted the 5s...but there was 12-14 of them every night and they were the wildest kids ever. i blame it on having vbs at night when kids should be getting to bed...but it was fun being there every night...seeing my friends.

oh and i got my schedule for my classes in the mail yesterday...maybe i'll feel like typing what classes i'll have...sometime but not now. i haven't been on the net much lately...and if i am it's just to check my mail and myspace..but i kinda wish i made more time for this blog thingy. i dunno...things are happening soo fast that when you just take time to stop and capture some of the good moments...it feels nice...and it's better for me to write some good things in here to look back on instead of all the negative...