so the past month or so has been hard..but i've had some good times as well. currently my internet isn't working and i have no good place to blog. there's always my roommate's computer but i can tell she really doesn't want me on. so i've been getting so bored without it. plus everyone was either gone or busy this weekend. i've been fighting alot with myself on change..and who i am. it's hard to move beyond the pain and the hurt that seems to consume my every thought and memory but on the other hand, it's time to move on. i have so much to look forward to, so much to live for...the problem comes when these thoughts are overshadowed by the negative ones. it takes all i can sometimes to fight past the hurt..and last night was no different.

last night the thoughts overwhelmed and overtook my mind and the tears were flowing down my cheeks. i was getting sick of it. every time i thought i was done crying....an hr. later more tears came. how long until it will end? i kept asking myself. i know that crying is good and all..but when it gets to the point where the negative thoughts and emotions and sadness are controlling who you are, then it becomes too much. that's when i allow myself to do things i shouldn't do to make up for the fact that i am hurting deeply and don't know how to handle things. last night was again, the first time in awhile that i allowed my negative thoughts to control me. to let my fingers dig into my skin..on my arms...all up and down my legs..my stomach. til i was physically hurting all over. and when that wasn't enough i took a plastic hair clip and repeated the motions that my fingernails had just down...so that parts of my skin were peeling off..and yet...i still did not bleed. maybe part of me wanted to bleed. maybe i thought if i did it hard enough that i would get deep enough to bleed and maybe that would make me realize my actions and what i was doing to myself. but it was pitch dark in the room...my roommate was trying to sleep and it was all i could ever do to try to keep the tears and the anger silent. i just wanted to scream out...but with teeth clenched and fists held tight....i tried not to make any noise. i held my breathe in hopes that it would all just go away..that the anger that was overwhelming me would soon pass..and it did. eventually i wore myself out so much that i just wanted to lay down and sleep. no more tears. just peaceful sleep...and so i did…but only after i went in the bathroom and looked at what i had just done to myself. however, the burning and the stinging that i physically felt was greater than the internal pain and shame that i felt...so for now, another night was passing...and even though the way i dealt with it was wrong, very wrong....i did not feel any guilt or shame until this morning...when i realized i can't hide this or it won't help me the least.

but today has been better so far...my arms still sting a little and i still have a few marks on my left arm, but they've been fading and are almost gone...i've been hanging out with amy today and now she's letting me use her computer while she's out..and i'm finally feeling like i'm being able to fully express myself using words on here...instead of just myspace. but i can't just get on here on anyone's computer or they'll find this...and this is something that i write more for myself. it's more personal and it's very beneficial to me...most of the time. so now today, i will move on from my so called, "broken yesterday" and things will be better. at least i hope to. i'm trying to think like this, cause it's better for me. i've been making myself miserable too long and once again i'm sick of it. i want to go back to that time i was just over cameron's and i felt like i needed God and all that and laying down that night i actually prayed. i wanna be able to trust God again and rely on him to help me...especially through the hard times when i'm all alone and there's nobody to talk to. especially since i'm going home this weekend to a home i don't really feel as "my home"...i know i'll be able to make it thought this summer...but i know there's no way i can make it by myself....

until next time...