ok so i think this is gonna be pretty random since i wasn't able to get on the puter long enough to type anything in here yesterday or earlier today.

So i'll start with yesterday. At first it was fun because at church i was officially starting my first Sun. with the preschoolers and i got put with the four year olds. it was alot of fun but different from wed. nights. one girl was so cute and so much fun, she hung around me alot and told me how weird i was, but it was ok, cause she was a kid, and she liked the fact that i was weird. she even gave me a hug when i left. i can't wait to go back.

but then when i had to go upstairs with the ppl my own age, something changed inside of me, something that's hard to explain...i just didn't feel as excited, as happy, for one i knew our group wasn't gonna meet, so i didn't know what was planned. we ended up going out to eat, which was ok, not so much fun since a bunch of other ppl went with. i'm not yet ready to hang out in big groups like that, i'm more one on one and i read somewhere that when you are depressed you should stay away from large groups and i thought well that's not a problem cause i really don't like it. it's too uncomfortable...but maybe that's why i don't like it cause i just feel so overwhelmed and at the same time i just feel left out and alone no matter if ppl talk to me or not...

so the afternoon wasn't that bad or maybe it was. i stayed outside for awhile but i could still hear screaming coming from the house. my parents yelling at each other, my dad yelling at my brother, my mom yelling at my brother, everyone yelling and i'm just trying to read, outside. but oh well, that's all that's been happening lately. tooo much time around each other, that's why sometimes i really dread being here for the whole spring break, but then i don't wanna go to school either...i hate both, school and home.

so later on at night, i went back to church and i was just feeling worse. i really don't know what's wrong with me sometimes, i mean i should because it's me, and i probably do know just don't wanna admit it. it's like i'm lying to myself trying to tell myself that i'm ok when i know i'm not. trying to say i'm fine when i'm not. so i just didn't feel like trying to act like i was fine that night. not that i've been acting like i'm ok for awhile, but... when i let myself into that trap of feeling sorry for myself, indulging in my own misery, it just makes me feel a whole lot worse and i wish i could just make myself stop, like slap myself or something, wake up from, all of this...so during all the songs, i should have tried singing or focused on something other than letting my thoughts control me and take over...i had some awful thoughts of mean things to say to ppl of screaming at ppl, of telling ppl things i've kept from them, of what i would write the next time i blogged, of things i wished i could do but never could because of who i am and the fact that i wouldn't want to hurt anybody. i was really missing my friend too who's on vacation, so maybe i was just feeling like i had nobody to talk to either. i know i was def. feeling alone, lonely, lost, and all of those thoughts i feel when i'm like this. i just couldn't shake out of it. so right after i got home i went for a bike ride and it's amazing how clear my head was then. no thoughts at all like the thoughts i had at church, i was just focused on the ride.

so today was better, i sat outside and read practically the whole day. what i like about books is i can read and get so sucked into the story that when i stop to eat or something like that, i think about the story and characters and what's gonna happen next, like i'm stuck in their world, their time, their fantasy, cept it's not so much a fantasy sometimes. but it just feels so real to me, that's what i love about books and i can't wait to do it again tomorrow. it's true that every night when i try to go to bed i feel really awful about letting another day go by without spending some time with God but i just don't know what to do about that anymore cause i pick up the bible and i can't read it, it isn't one of those books i read outside, it's just different, it makes me so angry inside, makes me cry too much, become even more depressed that i'm, oh i don't know, it just stresses me out sometimes, just one of those things that i'll have to face eventually, one of those many things that i need help with.

and ever since the idea of putting me on anti-depressants was brought up i've been thinking lots more about it and i've convinced myself now how much i need them or something to help me. but i just have to wait and wait and wait now, and i feel like i'm going crazy, sinking lower. so far i have an appointment scheduled for sometime in may, that's the earliest they could get me in, and at first i was scared thinking what if i don't feel as bad then, but maybe still need them, what if i get better by then, and after that feel worse...but now i think that i'm just getting more and more depressed, and ever since i've thought maybe drugs could help me, that's all i'm thinking about is how i can't help myself anymore, but i can, i can stop some of the things i do, i just have to force myself.

so one of the things i did was invite my friends to come spend the night wed., i just hope they can come and that i can really be happy or at least in a good mood. i can feel pretty good in the moment of something but then just fall right back down when it's over so i hope this isn't the case. i'm sick of all these ups and downs, well it's more downs than ups but i'm still sick of feeling this way.

ok, i think that's enough for now even though i wanted to talk about the book i finished today, maybe i will some other time...
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