right now i'm just sick of it. i'm sick of feeling happy. it takes the meaning out of my writing. i don't want to go back to how things used to be, but i still want to perserve some of that emotion and anger that fueled my writing. i bet i sound sick. change is good, i know, but in reality i can't stop reading my past writings and entries and think...who was this person? i'm not even sure it was i who penned the very words, or rather typed, the words that are on the screen.

with all i have to do today, i was planning on going down to the river after my class...for some peace. but maybe not. now i'm thinking i'm getting a little overloaded with this peace thing. this praying. but then maybe that's again the evil trying to dwell in me again. the evil that was evident in my poems. and in some ways i'd like to be alone...by myself...in the room, with the lights off, just typing away on my laptop and listening to all the music i used to. plumb and seventh day slumber...because i think these were two good influences on the writing i wrote....and i'm not sure how good of an idea that is, because it also seemed to affect my mood...but either way, i think it may not be a good thing...but on the other side, it may be just what i need. is it healthy to want to experience some of the emotions of your past just to keep moving beyond it? is it possible to be in touch with the sadness still inside of me as well as the happiness? i'm not sure of quite anything anymore. it's like i'm living in this world that i no longer control. this is not me..and it just feels so weird. who am i really? if i'm not who i was...and i'm not who i am today...am i non-existent? is what i'm writing just nonsense for those who have to see the words on this blog.

i want more than anything to home right now. maybe i can just that to fuel my sadness...and maybe then i can feel like i can truly write again. i want more than anything to go see michelle...visit with her kids...and hold baby seth in my arms again. i want to see this boy grow up, just like i've seen his brothers grow up in the last two years.

today in my 7:35 class, i was awake enough to actually comprehend and learn something. it's music appreciation and i usually don't like the class cause i know nothing about musicians and their music and that sort of thing, but he was talking about beethoven. and to make a long story short, he was saying how shortly after beethoven began to lose his hearing, that he moved out to the country and began writing his will because he was going to kill himself. and throughout the will he's writing about what he's going to give this person and that and then writes about why he doesn't want to be here anymore, but then towards the end, by writing this, he talks himself out of suicide...cause he feels he still has something to offer the world through his music...and so he goes on to still create music when he's deaf and his last symphony he creates, the theme is about joy. and that just got me thinking, now his music may not impact me in any way, now or ever, but his story sure does. and writing things down, talking things out through writing, that's something we for sure have in common. because if he thought there was a purpose in him living to create more music to offer people, then i must still have something to offer the world. and maybe not the whole world, but one individual person. maybe one of these kids i dearly love...and wow, i was just sitting there thinking about all these things, the crazy thoughts spinning through my brain, and i was amazed...

and it's not even like the suicidal thoughts have returned recently. ok, it's maybe been at least 3 weeks...but it again, feels so long ago. like a year...because of how much i've seemed to change since then. and maybe these crazy highs and lows are dangerous...it's definitely not something i experienced as much while on the meds...because on the meds i sorta was in between all the time, always feeling a little more down then up...but now, it seems it's always a drastic change in my moods. and maybe not, maybe that's just another thing that is just my imagination. but i'd say if those thoughts returned, but more realistically i need to say, WHEN those thoughts return, because i know they will, i want to remember what i've learned today about beethoven and what i have to offer the world. and i WILL push past this, i always do. and i'll (in the words of hannah montana) move on with my life. yes, i will. because there is so much more to life then thinking about dying...or ceasing to exist.

so after writing this, maybe i will end up going to the river..who knows. i'll see how i feel after class because i'm extremely tired from lack of sleep..and it seems like i've been running around with all this energy that i don't know where it comes from...and i'm afriad i might crash if i don't get a little nap. so maybe i'll just rest my thoughts for awhile in my room...maybe i've had enough writing for today...

now see how like beethoven, my writing has helped me change my mind about some things...it seems kinda crazy..but it's been happening all this time and most of the time i fail to notice. so even if writing this impacts no other person, i know i'm writing for me. and that's all that matters....is that now, i'll be ok...at least for today. tomorrow is another story...

but in the words of anne of green gables

"Tomorrow is always fresh...with no mistakes in it"

anne of green gables has always been my favorite and will always be my favorite~!