so true...so true...

today i actually have no homework..and why?? cause we finally had our first free day of the year in Latin class....it's been too long, i was starting to think we wouldn't have any of those. hehe...so i got my calculus done...and now i've been kinda bored on here..cause i don't have homework to do..so i'm listening to KJ-52's little raps he does for fun...just clips of funny stuff....cause i can't wait to see him in concert. i've also been on myspace alot..changing my template and putting pix on there..it's all fun.

so yesterday i had to return to the psychiatrist. it was alot quicker than last time. just asking me if i was feeling better and stuff..my mom did bring up the hurting myself cause she wanted to know what he thought about that. and he said, like last time, that it's more of a personality disorder...and then he and my mom were discussing this back and forth and they were referring to it as "cutting"...i don't know...it was just soo weird cause i don't cut..and besides i haven't hurt myself in a long time..and i just wanted to say that, scream it for them to just drop it..i told my mom not to bring it up. but the other day when my mom did ask me if i was still scratching myself. or i think she phrased it..is it getting any better or something...hehe i said no comment. so i guess she thinks i'm still doing it. well i know she thinks that... i know i could have told her there that i was getting better than that..i just couldn't though, i don't know why. i could have told her it got so bad it was happening 3 times a week..and it was happening every week..and now hardly ever..like i think once since i've been on the meds but i just don't want to discuss that with her. maybe i don't want her to know what's going on with that whole thing cause i don't want to tell her i'm better with the whole thing..and then do it again...i knew she was going to ask me that sooner or later..cause that's what she does. *sigh*...

oh i asked morgan to take me home from school monday and wednesday and she did...but i don't know, things just don't seem the same between us. we're supposed to go to the concert together so i burned her grits latest cds..cause she only has their old one...and you know, she's polite and everything..but it's uncomfortable for me to be around her. cause i can't just rap and make her laugh or something...so i don't know what to say. and she's always got this look on her face when i'm talking to her..it's just not the same...

oh..and i might want to mention sunday night. that was bad..but turned out good i guess...why are sunday nights always bad for me..well i was going through my old feelings and stuff..it was midnight..i just felt like crying and you know...so i put in my cd..so i could cry, but the songs..it just didn't..i don't know..i just laid there...so i was just letting the songs play and i got to this one..that i never listened to much cause it didn't stand out or anything but the lyrics..were..wow..i don't know how to say this. but i sat up against my wall...mouthing the words...cause my sister was asleep..and tears just came down my cheeks as i lifted up my hands to God..it was soo unusual for me..almost like i was in church...worshipping like the other kids do...except this was with my musik..songs i like..seventh day slumber...anyways i did this for the next couple of songs til i was worn out and calmer..and well i felt better..so i just let the cd play and finally turned off my little lamp at one in the morning and went to sleep..cause i had school in the morning. so i thought, why not post the lyrics of one of the songs...the first one that touched me...it's an amazing song..i wish i knew how to link it to play on here...but i don't know if you can do that...there's still so much to learn about the internet...particularly html formatting.


Picking Up the Pieces
by Seventh Day Slumber

Open my eyes, my life is scattered on the floor
I walked away from you so long that I could not hear your voice.
Oh my tears that I cried I left them laying on your heart
And now I'm here with you again, can we pick up from the start.

All I have and all I need is everything You gave to me
I been away so now I'm picking up the pieces once again.

I'm falling to my knees that is where I saw Your hand
I've been here way too many times,
I can't belive You'd take me back
And all the tears that I've cried,
Never touched the ground and
Now I'm here with what is left
Will You build me up again?

Chorus


and why not put the one after it....since it was awesome too...


Something
by Seventh Day Slumber

Well I see the winds have changed now
why'd they have to change today
My eyes are drowning in this sea of pain
the world is closing in on me
I'm slowly sinking in my insides
a float is sinking inside me
my eyes are cold, black, and empty
can anybody set me free

Chorus:
Oh I need something I need something more I need you
Oh I need something I need something more I need you

passion is the only friend I have
its better lying to me
my eyes are blurring as i fight to stay alive
bound and broken on my knees

Chorus

Why would we live let the healing begin
why would we live i'm suffering, I'm suffering
why would we live let the healing begin
why would we live i'm suffering, i'm suffering

Chorus



wow there is alot to write about. but i'll have to end with this. tomorrow there's a NHS meeting after school and after that thao's supposed to come home with me so we can watch the ring 2 and i hope it's tomorrow cause i really wanna see that right now..but i'm waiting. yeah, my brother's watching it right now too..but i'm staying here...oh and i finished gilmore girls season 1 that kristen lent me and she's supposed to be getting me the second season too...let's see..i probably failed my government test today..or close to it...but i got a b on my calculus test...i love math so much better, hey, maybe i should join the math team at school? haha...oh and wed. i got my pix for the yearbook taken at school..that was weird cause it was in the library and i had to walk out of the library to go to the bathroom to put the ugly drape thing on..then walk back into the library with it on..oh and there was a class in there...and then i couldn't even see my pix..but it was free...ahh and the last thing i guess before i have to wrap this up...i finished my devo book, i think it was tuesday...so i accomplished something in my life...ha..and i wanted to write some of what was in the end...but that'll have to wait...cause i've been on way tooo long...