so i haven't been on much in the past few days and yesterday i was feeling well enough to get on but my dad was using the computer all afternoon and night...or so it seemed. i'm not looking forward to this week coming up cause he has the week off of work. which means he'll be home more, which means he'll keep getting on the computer at night unless i beat him to it. not that it really matters since i've only been getting a connection speed of 4.8K but it still allows me to get on here and blog about all the important things i need toblog about. well actually it'd be nice if i could check all my mail really quick but with this speed it takes forever, at least aim still connects...most of the time. and now it just disconnected me again, good thing i can still type this thing. well, i'm feeling better after getting my wisdom teeth pulled thrus. morning and i'd like to write about all that's been happening since then...but i'll have to wait til i get back from my cousin's graduation...i really wanna go even though i still don't feel very good, i just don't want to get in the car with the family...but i'm gonna go face that...now...

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ok i'm back and now i feel horrible, but this needs to be done cause if not i'll just continue to cry to myself in my room and think about all i need to write. first i want to say that now there is evident bruising on the sides of my mouth from where i got my teeth pulled, it really hurts and after this i'll take my painkillers which will make me dizzy and fall asleep quickly...then maybe i'll sleep til morning. now about the days i was gone...

wednesday~this was the sleepover. so i went over morgan's and adrian and britney showed up...and it started off good. i don't know what a good sleepover was, i barely remember but i tried talking and laughing and having fun. we started watching joan of arcadia which i brought over and i really enjoyed watching the first episode with them. but i don't know if it's cause their girls or they were getting bored but after awhile the cell phones came out! just like over my house at spring break! and the talking they did alot of that. and most of the time i had no idea who or what they were talking about....so about that time i was feeling so left out, not that i always feel that way, it's just i can talk individually with each one of them and it's fine and stuff but when they get together and start talking i just feel so alone and left out. i don't even like half the things they talk about either and like i said it's probably cause their girls and carefree and happy and i still don't know how to act that way. so they had cell phones out so i got my cd player out and tried to listen to it and go to sleep since it was around midnight and i knew i had to get up early to get my teeth pulled. i listened to my musik two hrs straight! and still couldn't sleep. it didn't help that the past two nights i couldn't sleep either but i thought just maybe i could drown out their giggling and laughing with the sounds of my musik...it didn't help. twice i went to the bathroom just to cry and i hate admitting that here cause i know at least one person there might read this but i just have to get this out somewhere. the first time it was just a few tears but the second time....it was like at home, i couldn't stop myself, the tears just came rolling down my cheeks. of course these incidents passed quickly cause i couldn't stay in the bathroom forever, but still. and then i cried again just laying there with my pillow in my sleeping bag, i'm just so sensitive or something now...or it's my mood swings...anti-depressants...something cause i think this is only the second time i went over someone's house and actually cried at night. i just couldn't stop myself that night. but then after around 2 in the morning i just suddenly felt better, probably from the crying and feeling sorry for myself that i actually stayed up and listened to some things they were saying and talked about some things. but i still couldn't sleep and it took forever....

thursday~i had to wake up early to get my teeth pulled, actually they had to cut my wisdom teeth out so i have stitches and stuff but anyways, it didn't hurt that much, but my mom did tell me all the funny things i said when i woke up since i was drugged up...after that i pretty much slept the whole day, couldn't eat much til later on but i had to...i had to eat so i could take my medicine. later on i called val back cause she had called and since she was leaving friday i asked if she could just come by really quick but she was busy, i should have known. and i don't wanna say this to make her feel bad cause i think this is just cause of my depression and stuff but after i hung up the phone i started crying and couldn't stop. it was the worst crying i had done in a long time, i couldn't breathe through my nose so i had to get a tissue but it hurt so much to blow my nose cause of my teeth and my whole mouth hurting it was awful. i cried for an hour and a half straight...i'm serious, yeah and then i got this crazy idea that i could start writing in my real journal so i kinda sat up and was ready to...but then my meds kicked in and started making me sick to my stomach and dizzy so i had to stop the crying and sleep which i did...so that was thursday...

friday~this day i remember my mom being gone and my dad yelling at me....fun fun! i still didn't feel good but i was trying to get on the internet and do stuff but it wouldn't connect right and then i had a crazy idea to ask him to fix the tv for me to make a channel come in. and the antenna is on the roof for some weird reason, he put it up there and he was telling me i had to help and tell him if it was working or not while he was on the roof. so i laid on the couch and was telling my brother what to tell my dad and that was working fine for me since i couldn't keep getting up and walking back and forth...but my dad was yelling for me to tell him. he got mad, came down and started yelling some more about how i would say i'd help him and i didn't. by this time i'm in tears saying i didn't know i wouldn't feel good enough to do it, blah blah blah and yeah, i'm trying to yell back at him too cause he won't listen to me but it's only making my mouth hurt worse til finally i throw some things and junk and then go off to my room and slam the door over and over again. back to myself again. i thought i had stopped this behavior and i'm only wondering if low dosing off my anti-depressants is already affecting me and if these are the mood swings i'm expected to have...if so, he should just be more understanding, esp if i'm in pain. so i don't know how long i laid in my bed and cried this time but i did lay there and i did cry once more. i'm about sick of this, is it just getting worse or is it getting my teeth pulled that makes it seem this way? or the fact that i so wished i could ride my bike over val's and talk to her but i know she's not there...and won't be for what seems like forever, only it's not, i only wish i knew when she was coming back. i already miss her so much cause she's like the closest friend i have, right now. i mean those other girls are great, but i just can't seem to connect with them at least at this moment...

so back to today, i felt alot better, well after my nap in the morning from taking the painkillers, i actually went outside read, and focused on the book i was reading! yay for me! finally....but it finally felt good to go somewhere other than my room...outside, it felt nice... oh and btw, i finished all of season 1 of joan of arcadia, i really didn't watch much tv it's just that i was almost finished with it anyways...now i must take my painkillers and get some sleep cause i'm going to try to at least go to first service at church tomorrow...i don't wanna miss the kids there...i hope this wasn't long enough!

ahh i wish the internet would connect right so i could add this blog!!!