it's when that need to write is so strong that no matter what you try to focus on..it simply won't get done because you're imagining out the words to everything you want to write about and you have to just get it down..before you lose the words that are beautifully constructed in your head to tell a story filled with emotion...no matter what others think...no matter their opinions...here's what's been going on since my last entry...

the other day michelle actually got on instant messenger and was IMing me. we talked about a few things and she wanted to know if i had thought any more about counseling..and i told her that everyone keeps telling me how i really should do it now..how i really need it..and she's telling me how it's all MY choice and NOT everyone else's...and then i said something like i think i need it too...she was asking why...and then asked "have you been taking care of yourself" it scared me, i really didn't think she meant what she meant, so i asked her what she did mean and she responds with...."have you been hurting yourself again?"

...i responded with a simple "yes"..but that "yes" holds more meaning than one could imagine..that "yes" changed everything michelle had been thinking of me, to that point i know. it filled her with worry and concern and maybe even love for me. the next day she even called me, probably only the second time this semester that i talked to her on the phone. i remember last semester, i called her all the time...but i've been holding off on the phone calls so far. trying to figure out my place in this mess. i knew i wouldn't be able to hide this from her much longer...i knew eventually she would ask, just to make sure expecting a "no"...but i couldn't lie when she directly asked me. so over the phone i explained the things that have went on all the way back to thanksgiving break, after the talk i had with her when the answer at that time was truly a "no"....but things have changed and i've spiraled down into the darkness once again...i'm entered into this cycle of pain and depression once again and im struggling to see the light like i once saw it....forever ago...

so the next day michelle calls me to see how things were going and to further talk...instead of IM and she made me talk about everything...i didn't want to but i did..and then i start crying. but i could tell that she cared so much and that just makes me miss her alot and i wish i could just go see her...spend the night like i used to...that way we can stay up late talking...it's just not the same on the phone. but then her kids came home, so she had to go.

she called back later, this time just to talk about things going on. she told me that she's pregnant. this made me so happy. seriously. she's been talking to me about wanting a third child for months now but her husband didn't know if he wanted another one and all this..but now she's pregnant. and i told her it made me really happy. and she said that she thought so and that's why she finally decided to tell me...and well, that's the good news now. i can't stop thinking about it now...

i talked to my mom on the phone the other day too cause i had to ask her about something. but then, she told me that my sister was still up so i talked to my sister on the phone. this is only the second time, the whole time i've been here that i talked to her on the phone..and it wasn't that long cause she's not a phone talker...i talk to her more on IM but i don't know, it just made me realize that i do actually miss her...it's the first time that i ever realized this..and it's kinda sad that it took this long, but i do miss her..she's getting older now and she's kinda fun to talk to sometimes. i told her the movies i bought and she wants me to bring agent cody banks home for her to watch whenever i do come home..she wants me to come home soon...adrian's been talking to her dad...maybe we can make a trip before i have to be home for a friend's wedding...

so with talking to everybody, i was going to call jennifer tonight and talk to amanda and jacob if i could..but then i forgot i had to work til 10:30 at night and she goes to bed early...i hope i remember tomorrow cause she sent me an email this morning cause i haven't talked to her in awhile...

other good news, a friend of mine and adrian's is coming on friday...morgan..it should be a fun weekend with her here...i don't know, i want to spend time with her and my friends here..and i hope it works out. but adrian is soo happy that she's coming and i think it'll be a good thing...

anyways i lost my thought...got busy...that's why i write when all the thoughts are flowing through my head..and when they stop...i stop..and that's how it is. later~