so i just went swimming with the neighbor's grandkids and my sister...for awhile..it was shady where the pool was, yet it was pretty warm, compared to last weekend when it was freezing cold...but it was fun. and i've been watching alot of gilmore girls today and yesterday cause kristen finally let my borrow season 2! i can't help it...i've fallen for it...

so early i was on for like 3 hours cause i was having a hard day and when my mom came home she knew i'd been on awhile so she was yelling at me to get off..geeze, i didn't even have enough time to do all i have to work on here. i've been working alot on myspace, fixing the blog template for that, where i post "happy things" or songs...pointless stuff..maybe i'll post a serious entry i don't know..cause i don't know who reads em or not..unless they leave comments. but anybody can read that....well they can here to, but everyone knows i'm the one writing it there cause that is on MY myspace....ahh nevermind. i've also been working on setting up a new xanga site cause now i've got more ppl wanted to read my "blogs" so i thought, what the heck i'll set one up there to..now the problem will be having enough time to update..but whatever, cause friends i know that have em update like once a week or every other week so it won't be like this one at all..it'll be less typing.....and well, just like my myspace, it won't be the "real me"...but it's fun for me just to edit these things, set um up...and format em. i love to do that, too bad i'm not supposed to be on for long periods of time that it would take for me to do all that stuff...

so last night i went to bed crying cause well, i can....i didn't have school in the morning, i didn't have any homework to work on, i finally had all the songs on the krystal meyers cd, so i listened to that, and the tears came...tears of comfort actually...yes, i'm still here, i'm stil hurting..that's sorta what i felt....that and still alone. i don't know when brit and i are gonna do something she promised soon. she never did get back to me about the concert whether she could go or not...anyways so i got a little caught up on sleep last night...

then this morning after i read outside for a bit, i returned to that dreadful room of mine, and cried a whole lot more...just from everything...life, school, stress, loneliness, emptiness.....all these emotions jumbled up inside of me...and there was that awful pain in my heart again...and before i knew it...the horrible thoughts returned..and i just wanted to...die..but not really die, more like...just cease to exist or something...cease to feel pain or hurt, or be here in the world...cause it just seems so complicated and this whole thing with God is frustrating me...to the fact where i'm sorta reading some of the bible some days...i kinda did stop after i finished the devo book. val said she'd take me out to get another one sometime...she told me that in an email she sent last thrus. i think. then she told me again wed. night...so when's it happening, well not today, don't know why...and not tomorrow, cause i don't know if she knows it or not, but that's the concert i'm so excited about...i don't know if she knows anything about it, cause i didn't even tell her about it....isn't that sad? and it's like the most important thing that's gonna happen in my life right now....maybe the funniest...i don't know. and i just really would like to tell her...yet...*sigh* so after all those thoughts entered my mind..and i kept glancing at my wrists, i knew i needed to do something before i hurt myself...so i wiped my eyes and got out of my room and went to the bathroom to rinse off my face and blow my nose. i made a deal to myself to get out of there now..and do something, and i can give in next weekend..just need to make it through that time..and well, hence the reason i stayed on the computer for three hours...but i couldn't tell my mom that. so we'll see what happens next weekend...i mean it's been at least a whole month since i hurt myself..so once at least once a month isn't as bad at 3 times a week right? i don't know. i just really wish there was someone i could call up and talk to on the phone or just go and hang out with. i thought brit was that person..sorta that i'd be able to..but yet, she's just always so busy. i would think that a person like that could make time for someone they really care about..but maybe not. i just know she must go out and hang out with other friends of hers...so why not me?

ok that's enough getting emotional for me now....hopefully i'll have a good time at the concert with morgan tomorrow...i'm still skeptical about that whole thing and the possibility of her boyfriend coming along, but whatever. it doesn't matter what i think...at least to her...ahhh my internet is sooo messed up, it's taking me forever to add this!