thinking always makes trouble for me. and i've been thinking alot lately. and all i wanna do is lay in my bed and cry. it's been so long since i've done this. it's actually surprising to me. i don't think it's been this long in awhile. life used to be so miserable..and now it's not. but i think what makes it hard is coping with the change. the fact that i am better, every day...but there's something i miss about the familiar chaos and trouble in my life...that sometimes i wish it was back to this. because at least i knew how to deal with that. this strange territory i wander is so unfamiliar and unnerving to me. i don't know what to do. i don't feel my emotions are ok unless i do cry. i feel i'm just floating through life and not touching base with my thoughts and feelings...if that makes any sense.

in other words. i'm fine and that's what scares me. maybe i'm just overanalyzing things. what will it take to get the words that write their never ending stories out of my head. because it's like the words just develop and form into beautiful thoughts, poetry...stories...and yet i take out my notebook and i draw a blank. maybe the words are never meant to be written. maybe i don't have to prove to anyone that i'm a writer...maybe i'm just too bored to do anything else at this moment but write all the stupid things that come into my mind first off.

so what else am i thinking? about thanksgiving break. how bad i don't want to go to my house, to my family, but how bad i want to see all my kids and friends. i really miss michelle, i've talked to her so much this past week and i really need to just talk to her face to face. i miss her boys too...and i want to hold the baby again. but i'm scared to go home because i'm scared to be tempted again...just being around my family, the tension, the fighting...the painful memories.

i remember last year...back in jan. i tried the whole new years resolution thing for a first. i wrote in my journal that i would never ever scratch or try to choke myself..or anything in the year 2006. and guess how far i got. all the way to thanksgiving. it was amazing that i lasted that long..but at the same time, it was very sad...i was very disappointed in myself. not only that, but then i burned myself with my straightener a few times, something I had never done before. i felt so guilty and horrible. but not only that, i just let it go again and again or whenever i felt like it. to where it became a little habit of mine again and i walked around with a cloud of guilt surrounding me everywhere i went...and everyone i talked to i had to lie today and it made me feel like such a horrible person. and then the ppl i did tell, i just felt like i was letting them down, again and again and again. and then this year, on my 20th bday i decided again i was going to try that commitment. but i promised God this time that i would never ever return to my "teenage habit" as i called it. it had already been 4 months at that time...and now it's been like 6 months. and some of those times have been the roughest that i can remember in my life. there's something about restraint and self-control that makes things so hard. holding back is so much tougher than just giving in.

and i'm just afraid over this thanksgiving break...that i won't be strong enough again. i've been keeping my nails as short as i can and painting them black again, just so i can be reminded every time i see them, not to do it. that it's a disgusting awful habit, and it's not me. it's not who i am and it's not who i want to be anymore. i will not let it define me. but last month, over and over again, i could just imagine what it'd be like to do worse to myself or just to scratch myself again. to pick up that razor for the first time and glide it against my skin. but i knew i could never do it. it would only make things worse. but it doesn't stop me from wanting to write about it and get the desire out, to express it in words so that maybe that will satisfy me enough for the moment. does that make me an awful person? i guess it's a good thing that i've been reading the bible and praying again...so maybe that i'll pray that God just gives me the strength to deal with home life and with myself...so that i will not resort to hurting myself as a means to cope ever again. that's just been on my mind alot this week and i'll bet even more as thanksgiving break approaches.

so that's mostly what i wanted to get out tonight. i've kinda been avoiding the topic since it scares me somewhat...but i'd rather get my thoughts out then leave them up in my head to destroy me again. i'll probably go to bed early since i don't really have much homework and i'm not really in a people hanging mood tonight....just in the mood to have a good cry but i probably won't be able to cause i have no idea what my roommate is doing. i would hate for her to walk in here and me be crying and then trying to convince her that i really am fine. cause i am. ppl just need to let out their emotions every now and then...and this is how i'm letting mine out for now...