well i was about to get on here...the net when the lady down the street called and asked if i could watch logan again next week...she's not for sure yet, but hey, more getting outta the house is always good...now for hmm i'll start with yesterday.

Let's see, at church i got to be with the 4 year olds this time, which i like better than the 2's cause i get to go to their little worship thing with them and the 2's don't go yet til the end of the year when their older...so i got to do the wiggle song with Maggie, she's so sweet...anyways in service i sat with Joel, the children minister's husband..he's so funny...and he told me he'd bring an extra helmet soon so he can take me home on his motorcycle...i bet that'd be fun. then i went home and watched arthur and was getting sleepy...ready for my sunday afternoon nap since i always have to wake up so early in the morning, and yeah i had gone to bed after 1 in the morning so i was tired. so i played arthur again and fell asleep right there on the living room floor. my parents had gone to take my sister to camp so my brother was there and when he came back in the house and saw me there, of course he woke me up. geeze, why can't he let me sleep. so i went to sleep some more in my room...only i couldn't i was awake now. so i played some of my musik, just kinda waking up so...and my mind started going, stupid mind, i wish you could turn it off sometimes...and i could just lay there and not think...not feel...not do anything. but i started thinking about val and how i never talk to her sundays anymore cause i never see her...and well, i was missing her and i started to cry a little...then i was getting mad and thinking how good it'd feel to hurt myself...and a little while later, val called...and i answered the phone, which i've been doing alot more lately. and well, she wanted to know if i'd help her get food at sam's and stuff cause she was supposed to get it for the ppl we were hosting at church that night. so i said ok, she was already on her way...so i went...and that was real fun for me, it was good too...later we talked and she told me it was that crazy holy spirit...and well, maybe it was. whatever, it came at the right time, i'm just wondering where it was today. and at chruch that night, joel was supposed to come, but i couldn't find him so i went to look in the balcony, he wasn't there but the preschool lady, jen was there with her daughter who's 2 and a couple teens that i know. so i sat with her. and that was fun cause i didn't really pay attention to the service or whatever cause the little girl was so funny and cute. i kept playing with her or watching her laugh or walk around...and sometimes when it was quiet or something she was really loud...i don't know, i guess it was fun to be up there with them...since this was different than other sunday nights cause we were hosting these ppl from cincinnati christian college and they came to sing and perform. blah blah..ok about today...

well i didn't get up til 12:30 cause i was up late again last night, i need to stop that habit it's just good for me cause nights aren't hard when i stay up til my eyes are really red and tired. i mean, once i lay down, i can fall right asleep...no emotion...no thoughts...but i guess all that caught up with me today..i escaped it last night, i should've known it'd come to get me today...or something like that. so i read a little outside, got on the puter for a little...hmm ate salad and cookies with peanut butter...just had to say that cause lately i love peanut butter, in fact i just finished a banana and peanut butter sandwich. yum!

so anywayz, i turned on my musik in my room after i had got done watching my musik videos in the living room..and well, that song came on that i blogged about ealier..and i guess that's all it took to release all the emotions that have built up inside of me in the past week..or ever since i got back from ciy...and it was bad..terrible. tears kept coming and coming...at the same time it felt so good, a relief and then i wanted to do it, to hurt myself...well val was on the internet or so i thought and i tried IMing her but she responded saying her kids were playing on the puter and she'd talk to me later, course she didn't know what i needed to say...but i got off and returned to my room...and well, my relief...choking came first..then scratching...all down my arms...on my thighs..and all across my stomach...ahh feel better now huh? yeah, i ask myself questions and yeah, i did feel better atm...tears kept coming, it was kinda nice...my stomach burned, my legs burned, my arms burned...and i felt at peace in the strangest way and the tears stopped and i felt like i could fall asleep right there listening to the soothing sounds of relient k...i change musik so often...and then i look and see it's after 4...almost time to leave for counseling...hmm...and i wished i picked a better day for all of this.

and well, i didn't feel like talking much, but i at least told her what happened today...my horrible day...so yeah. on the way home my mom kept asking me all these things and well i just wasn't in the mood. so i did answer her some and talk with her for a few min. and then she started talking about val again and this is something that i'd rather not talk to her about so i told her, but she wouldn't stop..so i put on my headphones and drowned out her voice with another song i've never listened to much. "Beautiful World" by GS Megaphone. and i kept seeing her lips moving and stuff and i knew she was asking me things and sometimes i can hear her and i just ignore her but today i honestly couldn't hear her at all....and i didn't wanna. i mean, she could at least wait and talk to me later...i just got done with counseling...but i apparently made her mad cause she made me listen to her when we got home or she wouldn't let me on the net. so now i don't remember what question it was that was so important but i answered it, who knows now if i was very truthful or not. geeze, i can't help it if it's hard to concentrate at some points...blah blah now i feel like i'm just going on and on. and i could continue this whole thing with how the other day i had somehow mentioned it to her that i sent val a pix i colored for her out of a coloring book in the mail and she liked it...but my mom says it's peculiar that all of the sudden i've started coloring again and watching cartoons..and blah blah blah....and now i so wished i just never told her that and just continued with my stupid coloring. why? i don't get it. i like coloring..so i did it, one day for like 2 hrs. while listening to my musik. and if i could find another good coloring book around here, i'd do it again. so what? why does she make a big deal out of it. i've also been watching alot of winnie the pooh, i happen to like it. and now i am going on. i guess today really didn't help me much in the end, just in the moment cause i'm still angry.

oh and perfect did call me again today, and email me..the email was good, made me feel better...and well, guess i'll email you back instead of writing it on here. k? oh and i wish i could get the scanner working cause morgan's bday was yesterday and i wanna make her something with our pix of us...i don't know, just felt like doing that but i can't since i can't scan the stupid pix...ok i'm typing this offline and i just got my brother and his friend to get off so i could post this..there was more but i gotta be quick..plus i’m ready for sleep...~later~