sometimes i am so confused as to why it hits when it does..and why sometimes the urge is soo much stronger than at other times....last night was one of those times...and it was while i was in the middle of a conversation with mary...i truly believe if i wasn't talking to her..i probably wouldn't have picked up the phone to call someone else, cause it was really late...and i probably would have just hurt myself to stop the deep ache in my heart...i just wanted to cry...i ended up not hurting myself..and not crying either....i wonder why at times i can just cry and cry and cry...and not be able to stop it..yet at the times i want to....i got nothing....nothing but a deep pain in my heart....but nothing to relieve the pain...

and this morning i woke up and realized something..it may or may not have been a contributing factor in the way i was feeling last night..but i realized that yesterday morning when i was called at last min. to babysit...i woke up and was out the door in 10 min....and i forgot to take my anti-depressants...this isn't the first time i've gone without em though...i forgot a couple other times..and i don't know that i noticed something before or not...and i know i have these "attacks" or "urges" or whatever else i may call it...i know i'm having em more often than i used to...whether i've taken my meds or not..but it just made me wonder if it really does have some kinda effect on me...cause i used to really believe they were helping me..and i'm wondering if they still are or not....but yesterday, i forgot to take em..and last night..i was a mess...

but everyone was fighting yesterday..there was screaming....fighting...doors slamming...mom crying..the works....and i was gone most of the day babysitting yet i got to witness a big chuck of it while i was home..and what i missed my mom made sure to fill me in on while we went for a walk last night....i just wanted to scream at her to shut-up..i think i've had enough of her already...it was nice talking to her while it lasted...but i'm ready to just get away and go back to college already....at least i'm making money babysitting now and i don't have to be here as much.

my mom brought my sister to the house i was babysitting at today and she played with autumn, alexis, marlee, and the cat...it was one crazy day..jennifer, amanda, and jacob brought over some cookies for us that they baked the day before...we watched a ton of episodes of lizzie maguire..my favorite part of the day..and they sat and watched the animal channel for hours....well, that's their choice....yesterday we were making videos and singing and dancing..today they just sat around watching tv...but it's ok with their mom...sooo....

tomorrow i'll be going over to michelle's and watching some boys for a change...riley and blake..i know that will be a day filled with playing rescue heroes and toy trucks...oh don't forget blake's tools either! gotta fix everything in the house...i just wanna go over there now. i don't wanna be at home...for another night..here...either there's a lot of fighting..or it's really boring..not much to do cept watch my tv...on dvds....i don't know what i'm going to do when i finish with them.

maybe tonight i'll be able to just stay in my room with the door locked and cry...maybe my mom and sister will go somewhere or be busy doing something and not interrupt me by needing to come in and get something...maybe i'll be able to get it all out...what i've been needing to get ouf for days..and maybe without hurting myself...at least that's my goal anyways...i think...sometimes i wonder if i even care or not..after thanksgiving..i don't know..it seems like it doesn't matter as much to me if i do it or not..sure i feel bad..but really..after that? do i really care...?


but of course i do...cause i have to be there for the little ones..the kids that just love me so much...they look up to me...and i just think, if only they knew....if only...when i was babysitting amanda on monday night she was being really bad...jennifer said she'd just been horrible all day..and she wasn't being any better for me....she did listen to me when i sent her to her room one time..but then just out of nowhere it seemed she came up to me and sat on my lap and asked if i was sad...and when i asked her why she thought i was sad she said you just look sad...and then she asked me if i was sad because i'd have to go back to college and not see her again...so i had to tell her yes...but that i wouldn't be going back for a while...but then she just sat in my lap for a while telling me how much she missed me...how she didn't want me to go back...just hearing her say things like that breaks my heart..it does make me sad..but in a different way...the only thing i looked forward to coming home is seeing my kids again...cause i do miss them...and they just love me so much..and i don't know why...

i have to go get in trouble or something now...cause i'm back home...let the fun night begin...