ok, i was just about to go to bed...to get some peaceful sleep before i had to wake up at 6:40 in the morning to go babysit again..that's what i've been doing this week...except i can't get off now...because...

i've got no computer tomorrow...or the next day or the next...unless i talk to my mom...and now that i know this, i’m afraid to go to bed..cause i'm afraid of myself and afraid of my thoughts...and i'm really angry..and...

she wanted to talk to me before i left about monday's counseling...that was last week..but i was packing for my trip...then she told me right after i got back that we needed to talk..sunday...but i took a 2 hr. nap, then went to sun. night church..bike ride, some internet, and i was in bed by 11...i don't know how i managed to sleep that much but i did. and then last night, i was on here til midnight. and today, when she told me she wanted to talk to me sometime...i was reading my book for school like a good girl. ha! she told me that it wasn't important. but i'm actually reading the books. i mean i started my books monday and i finished one already so i decided to start a new one tonight. boring! but hey, i'm getting through em and yeah, avoiding talking to my mom even though i lied and told her i didn't start reading the book to avoid her.

here's what i think, it wouldn't be so bad if we were gonna talk like we kinda started to a couple weeks ago or soo.....but now in the present situation with what she knows i'm just not ready to talk to her....in fact, that is exactly why i haven't told her, cause i don't want to talk about it. i've already told plenty of ppl with whom i talk to about it...and well, i don't know why, i just don't want to talk to my mom, about this...so i'm grounded from here....the only thing i'm sorry about that is now i can't talk to perfect, or read her emails. i'm just glad my parents are computer illiterate unlike perfect's parents cause her dad found and read her blog....i don't know what i'd do if i found out my parents read this, i'd probably be really mad....and well...i don't even wanna talk about what i'd do..but now i understand why she did the things she did, cause really...i'd do some of the same things..just in different ways. and now she went to her old counselor she hadn’t seen in what? 3 years....which i think is really weird cause it's in the same house i go to...so if i went yesterday i probably would have seen her walking out being her appt was at 4 and mine's at 5...but i didn't go yesterday. her dad also knows she met me at church which, that's a little weird cause now i'm wondering if he has read my blog...if he's reading right now...hello!?! are you!?! freaky things happen....but really i think it's a good thing perfect and i can talk cause i know if i didn't talk to her, she probably would have refused to go back to that counselor..but she knows i'm going to one..soo...

enough about that, now i'm just really mad my mom's doing this to me. what does she think? that she can force me to talk to her about something i never wanted her to know if the first place? yes, i'm rebelling again and i'm being stubborn and i don't care because if i wanted to tell her and talk to her in the first place she wouldn't have sent me to talk to someone else about my problems.

oh yeah, and about the retreat...despite some things, it was really great. yeah, each of the sponsors there wrote us all letters and read em aloud. they were nice..lots of girls crying, not me...actually there were only 8 other seniors there, 3 of which were guys...anyways i don't know what's with that though cause i've read them over and over again after that...and shed a thousand tears but in there, my eyes didn't even burn with the need to cry. guess that's cause i'm in a room full of ppl looking at me, maybe my tears are scared of ppl...hehe that's a thought. or a bunch of ppl i'm not really close to...and it was hard at first, cause they were all seniors like me and it just seems like it's easier for me to talk to ppl younger than me like the freshmen or sophomores...and if you really want to go younger preschoolers. ha. anyways i was thinking of typing those letters in here...i don't know...i don't have em now and i'm not going upstairs atm. anyways later on that night, we went and got ice cream and in the van, some ppl were asking me to rap..how fun! really cause i remember many times my "friends" would always tell me to shut up when i was rapping..and well, they weren’t the ones asking though, i doubt they wanted to hear me rap...but oh well...

but i loved the lake, i kept swimming and swimming and swimming, it was relaxing..nice...peaceful...and beautiful...i love the nature, i loved the cabin we stayed in..and i just wish i could live out there by myself..i wonder if i was surrounded by things like that, if i'd still feel lonely...or if the trees and the water would keep me company...i'd still bring a computer....for communication..but i wouldn't spend as much time on it.

oh geeze, someone just asked me if i'd go to the mall with them. kristen..and yes, i'd like to get out go...except i'm babysitting...even though i hate the mall, i think i'd go with her....i'm pretty sure, cause she'd make the mall fun...the mall that i'd absolutely hate. hey, i'd still dress in what she calls my "basketball shorts and t-shirt"...cause really what fun would it be if i wasn't in my normal attire while she dressed up...hehe, maybe i could get her to wear long shorts too! ok..i'm really bored now, i just don't want to get off..and give up my last day on here...the good thing about the days to come is that i'll be gone almost the whole day babysitting...so i won't notice...the bad thing is..i will have to use the phone and call ppl..if i'm allowed cause...i'll be really really lonely and bored and...well, in my bad thoughts and moods..and whatever else you may call it. but i don't know what else to say right now, even though i know when i go upstairs i'll think of a million things i want to write on here...oh well...~later...hopefully not too much later~

oh i know, looking up lyrics..hehe i realize how much i really want the new mxpx cd "panic"...but i've spent too much money on cds lately and all they do is make me cry..soo that'll have to wait, i can still read the lyrics though..right?...what great lyrics..huh...yeah, yeah, i know...