raine's Blog

Nightmare under my bed.
Date: Jun 26th, 2005 1:29:12 am - Subscribe
Mood: Confused
Reading: Harpist in the Wind

journal

sheets and blankets
mountains sea swept
the pillows tossed by the wind
hands to bouncing feet
springs down to the molten core
under the bed soft plush mattress
the heart of my world burning
words tearing out
of the paper stained diary
my private secret heart
blood written with the salt of you.


This one just sort of came out one night a week or so ago. The line breaks were originally much more abrupt - half of the next line was up with the first line, which didn't make much sense, but sounded good to me. In the end I had to settle for logic though . . . Just an idea I've been tossing around for a while, and might grow into a short story (maybe for the school contest next year?).

So much has been going on and I haven't had time to really stop and think. Or maybe I've had too much time and don't know what to do with it. I don't know. But I finally saw Derek. And that's enough.

We were down at the river, my family and I, and I had just gotten out of the water (it was freezing!) and as usual I was thinking about you-know-who, daydreaming and wishing he was there. And then - I looked down at the water - and my heart leaped - that's how it felt - and it looked so much like him - and I'd been thinking about him so much - and it was him.

It felt so good. I don't know how to say it, except like before; I just drank him in.

Also, I was brave. Brittany came with me, but still, I went down to the water and got in again. He seemed happy to see me, and he kept coming closer. I let myself really hope for a little bit that it might be right . . . I told him how lonely I was with everyone gone, and he knows where I work . . . but nothing's happened since then. I haven't seen him since that one day. I can't bear it, going over those few minutes over and over again. He's driving me crazy.

I can't wait for school to start, and I'll be able to see him every day. I just pray that we'll have classes together. He's smart, he'll be in AP LA, but there are two classes. Fifty-fifty odds I guess, but maybe I'm lucky . . . haiz!
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Sky blue horror.
Date: Jun 19th, 2005 12:17:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: Le Sigh.
Reading: RiddleMaster

All I do when I'm lifeguarding is sit and stare at the sky. I love the sky - the clouds - the sun - but four hours straight is a bit much even for me. I feel like I'm drowning in it, the sky above and the water below. I'm going insane.

Other news . . . had to bike to Church today and will have to again early tomorrow morning. Today we had an orientation meeting for a Bible camp we're puting on for little kids. It was totally pointless, and I felt like I was really puting myself out for these people but they weren't getting it. Everytime I asked a question, the lady would answer me hurriedly, loudly, and rudely, as if it was my fault I didn't know. Tomorrow is Mass, so I'll have to get up at 7:00. Argh.

I want to see Derek.
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White star rays.
Date: Jun 18th, 2005 1:20:31 am - Subscribe
Mood: Yearning
Reading: Riddle of Stars

scared of the night

the dark inside is pulling her
as the shadow pulls the tide
and like the black sea lapping
it's lapping at her mind
black and strange the stars tonight
bare and white the drifted sand
she can see it waiting there for her
waiting with strange and open hand
what path is this that leads
along the drifting cliff of stone
what pain is this that comes
to her when she's alone
shes numb and cold and cannot feel
heat of the white star rays
but some day she knows she will
laughing
embrace the blaze.



I've been working on this one for a long time (months and months), but I think it's at least presentable, if not perfect. Whatever . . .

I'm obsessed with the Ragnarok Online game. It's so much fun, and the characters are all so cute. Even my brothers like, which, considering it's anime-style, says a lot.

On the subject of games, Advent Rising really paid off. I first read about the game a year or so ago and instantly was interested. I was the original fan! I was loyal! And I was right, even though no one else listened to me. AR is an awesome game. Beautiful, original, and a total blast. I can't believe the reviewers didn't like it . . .

Lifeguarding today, all I could think about was Derek. I got to the point that I just wanted to /see/ him - it wouldn't matter if he even spoke to me, as long as I could sit and drink him in. To "feast my eyes"; that expression is perfect for my situation. I feel like crying, but that make everything even worse. I feel like I'm sitting around wating for something to happen. I /want him to sweep me off my feet/! "I need a hero". So true.

I'm a mess.
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Wisdom of the sea spawn.
Date: Jun 16th, 2005 2:30:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: Anxiety!
Reading: Wuthering Heights

for you the tears

wisdom of the sea spawn
grasps leaves of ocean wave
that hair smothers and whips
long wet and touching
salt and fire across this
sandy shore.

to struggle for breath
to gasp and lunge for that
precious air like diamonds
poured down my eager throat
delicate and straining for
that cold touch of life
the knife.

this is the sacrifice
the innocent and tame who
weep without a sound.



So yes, I think this poem is done. I've been working on it for . . . a week? Week and a half? Probably too long with not much to show, but in any case, it's done.

We played more tennis today - me, Sophia, and Caroline. Not as long as yesterday, and I didn't work nearly as hard, but I made up for it later. The way my schedule worked out, I ended up not working my shift today, and instead went to the tennis lesson and then straight to a coaches' meeting at the club. And of course, I got saddled with another huge project for the upcoming few weeks; organizing the first swim meet of the year. It wasn't exactly anyone's fault that it happened that way, but it couldn't have been worse timing.

The lesson was fun, though. Tom and Brian were there, which made it more interesting. Tom was flirting, which both flattered and annoyed me. I mean, after everything that's gone on between us . . . and I was truly hoping that he'd get serious about Danica. Anyway, I acted like a complete ditz since I felt awkward (I wasn't playing very well, and I hadn't expected them to show up). I kept giggling and smiling stupidly.

I did actually have a good time, though. Caroline and her other French friend were totally enjoying seeing eachother, and I think that rubbed off on us all a bit.
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Sunshine Fool
Date: Jun 15th, 2005 1:12:17 am - Subscribe
Mood: wistful
Reading: Survival

We went and played tennis again today, and it felt great to sweat everything out. Not that there's anything to sweat out in any case, which is the problem. I should be so happy right now (summer, money from my first job, finally friends at school, France in three weeks, sunshine and swimming) but I really just feel a little numb and wistful. Things were finally working out at school (it's been so hard adjusting after private Catholic schooling and losing my old friends for high school) and now it's the summer and I won't be seeing anyone until next fall. Danica is in Singapore, Michelle in Bangladesh, Reni is in Frace, Cathy is in Kansas . . . and I'm leaving in three weeks.

It doesn't help that all I can think about most of the time is Derek. I'm such a fool, but I really like him, and I thought there might be a chance he liked me too. Danica says he does, and I trust her, but I'm such a coward. I say "I'll see how things go" to which Danica replies "You have to /make/ them go!" But I'm so shy.

I guess I'll just keep busy. Next week I work 8-9, volunteer at Church 9-12, work 1-5, take tennis lessons 6:30-9, and hopefully get in some reading in between. And some sketching . . . sigh.
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