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Home / Profile / Friends Remorse Feb 19th, 2004 - Subscribe I'm sorry I haven't been posting regularly. I'm sorry I have been busy with my own life and unreceptive to your feelings. I'm sorry I vociferatied to my sister. I'm sorry I waste my time. I'm sorry I am withdrawn and monastic. I'm sorry I cry for myself, but not for you. I'm sorry I walked away when I knew I should have stayed. I'm sorry I can't help you more. I'm sorry I am a pain in the ass. I'm sorry I care more about my play than your surgery. I'm sorry I laugh when I need to be serious. I'm sorry I am serious when I should be able to laugh. I'm sorry I push you away without moving a muscle. I'm sorry I say too much without vocalizing a word. I'm sorry I waste space with my laments. I'm sorry I have an empty smile, a hollow heart. I'm sorry I think you think I think I'm better than you, for I'm really not. I'm sorry I'm sorry for things I'm not really sorry about. "I'm sorry, but aisle 2 is an express line, 10 items or less. Please move on to the next register." 0 comments Unobjectionable Yours, Rachel Feb 12th, 2004 - Subscribe In the past few days, my life has been... busy. Very busy, though behooving all the same. And I welcome the alacrity, knowing that it is good for me to get away from the lonely bare walls enclosing me in this house. I mean, I shouldn't gripe and complain about my home, for it is nicer than most and I'm thankful to live in it. But still... any place that one spends too much time in can become a crippling internal asylum. I went on a school trip today to the state art museum, a very well-spent day. Art is incredible. I have no complaints. 0 comments Ebullient Feb 9th, 2004 - Subscribe As cliche as New York City is, with the "I heart NY" shirts and Times Square and The Big Apple... I love it. Of the last 4 days, I spent 2.5 in the car and the remaining 1.5 days, a mere 36 hours, having more fun than I could imagine. Perhaps not that much fun, but jubliance nevertheless. However, my step-cousin had more fun... Tritely described as a coming of age, becoming a man, getting his Bar Mitzvah. Perhaps the real "manhood" came later, when two of his little girlfriends spent the evening in his room. I'm sure they weren't having sex or anything, but I bet they had fun. The reception was lovely, in this decadent temple, which seemed more like a fancy hotel, with lots of activities and music and fancy food. I spent the whole time taking to my distant relative-by-marriage cousin, who was the only other teenager there besides the Mitzvah Boy's school friends, all of whom carried the true New Yorker attitude, a very unatractive asset in my opinion. Unfortunately, upon my homecoming, I found that my cat, who has had cancer for years, has a tumor which has ruptured the skin and is oozing this putrid, sticky pus. Poor thing will be put down tomorrow. She's been with me since I was two weeks old. I've never really lived without her... I guess I'll have to get used to it now. Her meek meow, soft paws at my bedroom door at night, stagnated footprints of kitty litter in the hallway. A precious pink tongue between razor-sharp teeth. Every rose has a thorn. But I suppose that is what makes it so beautiful, forbidden, and desired. Would I be so attached to my cat if she were not inevitably diaphanous? 0 comments Nutritional Disgruntlement Feb 3rd, 2004 - Subscribe My nutritionist is an absolute whackjob. So meticulous, so exact, everything particular and concise. All this time, I was thinking of myself as a model perfectionist... but this lady foils the free spirit out of me. All of a sudden, I really don't want this pruny lady to tell me what to eat. I don't want six servings of whole grains a day nor the two one-ounce-servings of nuts and/or seeds nor the three cups of dark, leafy greens. Can't they be happy that I'm actually putting the damn food in my mouth?! Despite the cantankerous disposition, I did have a nice day. The dark rainy clouds did cast a damp shadow over today... but there were some sunny aspects. I really like the new student teacher in my english class, I think I scored well on the spanish test, and outside the sky is a lovely rose-tinted orange. Oh yes, and I got yelled at by an ornery bus driver today. Perhaps it wasn't so good all in all... **slurps a diet dr. pepper** 0 comments Congenial Jan 30th, 2004 - Subscribe The four snow days off from school were rejuvenating, but the anxious thirst of attempt has yet to be satiated. And it appears as though it never will be... So there's high school, an overrated illusion of a purely fickle life. You work hard, forcing yourself to get the best grades, the best clothes, the best sports record, the best social calendar. But you never do. You can't ever be the best at everything, though you go through so much anguish for the erroneous goal. Then you go to college, where you deal with the same shit over again... though this time you are distracted by alcohol and sex. But you persist- working harder than ever. Just to get into a medical school, where you work tirelessly, endlessly... then a resident, then a doctor, and then you die, before ever being satisfied. Maybe I should just fuck this all and become a cashier. But would I be stasified handing people their change and watching made-for-tv movies on cable? Anyway, I had a really nice day at school. I'm babysitting late tonight... but until then, who knows? Kyle might come over tomorrow, that could be fun!  0 comments |