rayleas Aeonity Blog

Lassitude

Sat, 06 Mar 2004 12:57:28 -0600

The play last night was good... considering the lack of rehearsals and productivity. There wasn't as much energy flowing through the cast, however, and we weren't as "into it" as beforehand. But one of the male leads finally learned all of his lines, so that's one relief that was much needed. The audience was small, but ardent, and the overall result was good. No complaints from me. On a more personal note, I have come to the realization that I really need to revive mentally. I cannot let these issues impede on my life... I have so much more that I need to focus on. Anyway, my problems have been so narcissistic and self-seeking. I must make things better. I must convalesce my spirits. I must. I need to if I plan on achieving what I aim to get.

Pestilential

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 19:17:01 -0600

Today was a lovely day, perhaps the first hint of springtime... Blue sky, chirping birds, comforting rays of sunlight. But a looming black cloud, once seemingly inessential, loomed in the distance. And, before too long, it rained. Nature provides for the best unintended metaphors. I wish I didn't disgust myself. Is it normal be filled with such internal antagonism, the impending venoms of mood, the apathy toward my own benevolence? I also wish that I wasn't a burden to my parents. I wish they would stop caring so much... for they get hit with the unintentional backlash of my self loathing. I don't want to be their crazy daughter, the messed up progency. The despicable darling, the strange scion. I wish they weren't so obliged to caring for me, because I don't want anyone to hurt but myself. I'd just like to be alone...

Subitaneous Strife

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 08:38:49 -0600

I hate being in trouble. See, we got off school yesterday because of this blasted snow/ice, and I spent the day with my neighbors and one of their friends... a guy who I just happen to be enamored with. Later that night, someone brought a bit of alcohol and we all ingurgitated. Since I hadn't had eaten anything that day besides a few strawberries and a graham cracker, I was pretty much done for after a couple sips of vodka. Last night I learned that people respond to alcohol in many different ways. First, there are the giddy drunks, those who get tipsy and happy, totally oblivious to everything going around them. Then, there's the mellow drunks, who relax and become calm and pleasant. I'm one of those mellow drunks. Another type I've witnessed is the violent drunks, intimidating and maniacal, yelling and destructive. I don't like violent drunks at all, so I was glad there were none there last night. Anyhow, we all had to return home before too long, though after enough time for me to *ahem* have some fun with one of the guys. I'm very lucky in the sense that all the theatrical training I've been through helped me a lot last night. My parents didn't suspect a thing. Some of my friends, my best friend in particular, were not so lucky and much more drunk. One guy got caught and his parents informed the rest of our parental units that we had been drinking. Since I wasn't acting smashed when I got home, I'm not in too much trouble. I'll definitely be grounded for a little while, and possibly my computer access will be suspended, but I'm worried... I hope all of my friends are okay. This morning, I'm the slightest bit hungover AND I have a play that was rescheduled for tonight. I should be fine after a few hours of meditation and herbal tea. I know there are consequences, but from my perspective right now, it all seems worth it. I had a lot of fun. ;)

Admitted Abnegation

Thu, 26 Feb 2004 16:28:47 -0600

*poof* I edited out my lame attempt at insightful poetry. :P

No Euphemism for Annihilation

Sat, 21 Feb 2004 07:02:45 -0600

In the past month, I have witnessed the cessation of my aunt, my cat, and, now, my great uncle. It's not like it was unexpected... He was diagnosed with a brain tumor more than six months ago. But now he's gone, and I regret that I didn't spend any more time with him while he was around. It's funny, that now he is dead, I have discovered what an incredible person he was. Until I read his obituary this morning, I had no idea he graduated from Johns Hopkins and worked on the Manhattan project. I didn't realize that he was married for 52 years and had three great-grandchildren. What I do remember is the last time I went to see him, maybe five months ago. I spent ten minutes talking to him and his wife before I passed out and was unconscious all through dinner. He was so distraught and worried about me, an otherwise healthy teenaged girl, when he was the one who was 80 years old and with a tumor in his head. But no, he laid me on his couch, and brought me blankets and crackers to nibble on. I just hope that, now, he has some way of realizing my melancholy and will forgive me. On to living matters. The performance is in less than a week, and, although I know my lines and blocking, it seems as though the show, as a whole, will never be ummitigated. I appreciate the dilatory environment, and I've had lots of fun the past few weeks, but now it is starting to catch up with us. The only way we can pull this off is to bust our chops for the next few days. The deep sigh of procrastination mingles with the bold brew of coffee in my mug.

Remorse

Thu, 19 Feb 2004 17:33:26 -0600

I'm sorry I haven't been posting regularly. I'm sorry I have been busy with my own life and unreceptive to your feelings. I'm sorry I vociferatied to my sister. I'm sorry I waste my time. I'm sorry I am withdrawn and monastic. I'm sorry I cry for myself, but not for you. I'm sorry I walked away when I knew I should have stayed. I'm sorry I can't help you more. I'm sorry I am a pain in the ass. I'm sorry I care more about my play than your surgery. I'm sorry I laugh when I need to be serious. I'm sorry I am serious when I should be able to laugh. I'm sorry I push you away without moving a muscle. I'm sorry I say too much without vocalizing a word. I'm sorry I waste space with my laments. I'm sorry I have an empty smile, a hollow heart. I'm sorry I think you think I think I'm better than you, for I'm really not. I'm sorry I'm sorry for things I'm not really sorry about. "I'm sorry, but aisle 2 is an express line, 10 items or less. Please move on to the next register."

Unobjectionable Yours, Rachel

Thu, 12 Feb 2004 14:42:17 -0600

In the past few days, my life has been... busy. Very busy, though behooving all the same. And I welcome the alacrity, knowing that it is good for me to get away from the lonely bare walls enclosing me in this house. I mean, I shouldn't gripe and complain about my home, for it is nicer than most and I'm thankful to live in it. But still... any place that one spends too much time in can become a crippling internal asylum. I went on a school trip today to the state art museum, a very well-spent day. Art is incredible. I have no complaints.

Ebullient

Sun, 08 Feb 2004 19:46:34 -0600

As cliche as New York City is, with the "I heart NY" shirts and Times Square and The Big Apple... I love it. Of the last 4 days, I spent 2.5 in the car and the remaining 1.5 days, a mere 36 hours, having more fun than I could imagine. Perhaps not that much fun, but jubliance nevertheless. However, my step-cousin had more fun... Tritely described as a coming of age, becoming a man, getting his Bar Mitzvah. Perhaps the real "manhood" came later, when two of his little girlfriends spent the evening in his room. I'm sure they weren't having sex or anything, but I bet they had fun. The reception was lovely, in this decadent temple, which seemed more like a fancy hotel, with lots of activities and music and fancy food. I spent the whole time taking to my distant relative-by-marriage cousin, who was the only other teenager there besides the Mitzvah Boy's school friends, all of whom carried the true New Yorker attitude, a very unatractive asset in my opinion. Unfortunately, upon my homecoming, I found that my cat, who has had cancer for years, has a tumor which has ruptured the skin and is oozing this putrid, sticky pus. Poor thing will be put down tomorrow. She's been with me since I was two weeks old. I've never really lived without her... I guess I'll have to get used to it now. Her meek meow, soft paws at my bedroom door at night, stagnated footprints of kitty litter in the hallway. A precious pink tongue between razor-sharp teeth. Every rose has a thorn. But I suppose that is what makes it so beautiful, forbidden, and desired. Would I be so attached to my cat if she were not inevitably diaphanous?

Nutritional Disgruntlement

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 16:49:07 -0600

My nutritionist is an absolute whackjob. So meticulous, so exact, everything particular and concise. All this time, I was thinking of myself as a model perfectionist... but this lady foils the free spirit out of me. All of a sudden, I really don't want this pruny lady to tell me what to eat. I don't want six servings of whole grains a day nor the two one-ounce-servings of nuts and/or seeds nor the three cups of dark, leafy greens. Can't they be happy that I'm actually putting the damn food in my mouth?! Despite the cantankerous disposition, I did have a nice day. The dark rainy clouds did cast a damp shadow over today... but there were some sunny aspects. I really like the new student teacher in my english class, I think I scored well on the spanish test, and outside the sky is a lovely rose-tinted orange. Oh yes, and I got yelled at by an ornery bus driver today. Perhaps it wasn't so good all in all... **slurps a diet dr. pepper**

Congenial

Fri, 30 Jan 2004 14:19:15 -0600

The four snow days off from school were rejuvenating, but the anxious thirst of attempt has yet to be satiated. And it appears as though it never will be... So there's high school, an overrated illusion of a purely fickle life. You work hard, forcing yourself to get the best grades, the best clothes, the best sports record, the best social calendar. But you never do. You can't ever be the best at everything, though you go through so much anguish for the erroneous goal. Then you go to college, where you deal with the same shit over again... though this time you are distracted by alcohol and sex. But you persist- working harder than ever. Just to get into a medical school, where you work tirelessly, endlessly... then a resident, then a doctor, and then you die, before ever being satisfied. Maybe I should just fuck this all and become a cashier. But would I be stasified handing people their change and watching made-for-tv movies on cable? Anyway, I had a really nice day at school. I'm babysitting late tonight... but until then, who knows? Kyle might come over tomorrow, that could be fun! :P