coffeed into dysphoric lucidity
Date: Apr 13th, 2008 10:58:28 pm - Subscribe
music: The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Get What You Want"
The omission that shines so brightly that it begs not to be given voice, but rather painted red with shame, the unsettling omission that lends an aspect of nullity to my existence, the freakish, jaundiced dementia that brooks no respite save in work and sleep, the defining aspect of all I am and will become. It bounds me. I am closed and bounded by a serpentine labyrinth of fear. Without hope, without solace, without love.
And the unsettling lie that birthed it all, the lie that haunts my nights, obfuscates my better motives with a sheen of apathetic hope, the lie that decimated my life with the apocalyptic efficacy of an atom bomb, leaving a shattered mind peopled with cannabilistic phantoms. In sorrow, I cannot escape it. In anger, I cannot forgive it. In the endless nights, where once the darkness hid more than has been dreamt of by gods or men, I see only the barrenness of my own soul.
Date: Apr 13th, 2008 6:43:16 pm - Subscribe
music: Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Aeroplane"
Through the abyssal years of all that has come before, through the shattered mosaics of dreams, the metaphorical green light across the harbor has drawn me forward. With all that is wrong with what has been and what might come to pass, the green light beckons to me still. When I feel freakish and bereft of hope, it coddles me to sleep. When the oppressive starkness of my life weighs too heavily on me, I see it still, out of the corner of my eye, twinkling. It is the eternal carrot, always present, always distant.
waiting to wake up
Date: Apr 13th, 2008 1:32:50 pm - Subscribe
music: Sheryl Crow - "My Favorite Mistake"
I feel like I should do something fun today. I just don't know what. Christ, something more fun than sitting here, trying to scrape together a blog entry when I don't have anything to say. What I need are nine high-speed hours of productivity. I've got too much stuff to do today and not enough time to do it. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines . . .
I'm so tired, I can't sleep
Date: Apr 12th, 2008 11:41:16 pm - Subscribe
music: Robert Earl King - "Feelin' Good Again"
After midnight. Five hours of sleep yesterday. I'm loaded to the gills on anxiety medicine, did it to sleep earlier today. Now I haven't had a dose in 11 hours and probably won't be able to sleep tonight without more even though I'm barely half-awake. Christ, after working unti 4:45am yesterday, today was practically a zero day. If I just could have slept 8 hours without drugging myself into oblivion. I don't have the first fucking clue what I'm going to do until 4am, but I promised myself I'd stay awake that long before I resorted to pills to sleep.
no more work to do
Date: Apr 12th, 2008 3:56:09 am - Subscribe
Mood: edging in on delirious
music: The Police - "Do Do Do De Da Da Da"
The sun'll be up in two and a half hours and, finally, I'm done for the night. Now the problem is sleep. I'm all coffeed up and that fat old sun's going to be coming up and I'll just plain be hosed -- up until noon at least. Today's going to be a damned waste. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or staring blankly at the television. It doesn't matter. Where's a rack of reds when you need one?
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