.....Spent the night in the hospital with Jake.
They thought it was his heart.
I'm going to sleep. I've been up for a solid day.
..with intermissions for diaper changing.
There's not much to do when you have a newborn. Once you're in routine (with a non-fusser) there's just a lot of sitting to be done once the shopping's done and the laundry is (more or less) put away.
I think I'll stop in on my folks tonight and let them enjoy their Grandson.
I need to walk somewhere green. I hate being cooped up for too long in the city.
I think I'm experiencing my first dose of marital... hardships.
I'm to blame. I know I am. I am not easy to get along with. Stereotypical. Non working. Whiny. Nagging. Bitchy. Explosive, even.
Since when did I think passion was a negative attribute?
We've been fighting constantly lately. I hope we're just adjusting to the lack of sleep. Feeling isolated. Misunderstood. Lonely. Discoloured.
I hate when I get in moods like this. My writing gets disorganized and choppy. Oh well. I don't want to delete it. I'll just close the window instead of trying again.
I love my husband and my son. With all of my heart. I just don't know why I can't shut my mouth. I'm one of these people who go too far with their words. Overly critical and superficial with statements of observation.
I blame my schooling and my mother. I went for cosmetics for Christ's sake. I'm judgmental from the get go. My Momma is a gossip. Musical politics is always about which player is sleeping with which conductor or contractor, who got the pay raise, who deserved it more, who's cheating, who's a diva etc etc etc.
I don't mind having that one negative attribute from my mother. She's a fabulous lady. Strong. Persevering. I love her.
I just went to wake Mike up, laid down with him for a moment.
"Do you love me?"
"Of course I do.. very much."
Sometimes I just need to hear it. I love him enough to try and mute this buzz in my head. Like the distant drone of fluorescent overheads. Annoying, but ignored with a slight squint.
My family deserves the peace and quiet. The calm. There's no point in causing more trouble than there has to be.
It's 9:30 in the morning. I'm listening to cheesy pop music while I feed my son. He's a tad fussy this morning. We've had two nights of horrible sleep. Yesterday it was an hour and a half the whole night since he's ill (he can't sleep lying down, he has to be sitting up to breathe.. and I had to hold him). Last night it was about 4 hours. Mike helped me for a while, thank God. I was so tired I couldn't see 6 inches in front of my face. Shaky vision and I wasn't trusting myself to be as careful with Jake. I'd never forgive myself if I hurt him.
We just got a new love seat and a lounge chair the size of a Smartcar. Overstuffed dark olive. A nice addition to our living room. Finally. We've had a futon (free from a friend who was clearing out their basement) and a day bed from my parents looking like mismatched puzzle pieces forced to fit together. The day bed frame is in pieces on our balcony and the futon is in the corner of the room taking up much less space than I'm used to. This actually looks like a room that people can be comfortable in. That's what I need.. Some place where I can sink back and cuddle with my baby boy.. Not where I'm constantly adjusting and readjusting. A home isn't a home unless you're at ease.
Or at least that's what I'm preaching today.
We need cat food and diapers. I'm off to the store.
I just typed out a huge entry.
Stupid laptop mouse finger pad.
I hate that.
To summarize a 45 minute long entry:
Jake is sick.
He'll be fine.
I feel gross.
I'll probably be fine.
The house is a mess.
I don't care.
It was my Mom's birthday and we got her flowers. Such a crappy gift. I usually go all out for her but my mind is so scattered I didn't even remember it was her birthday again until she was on her way here. Sent Mike to the store on rush. Just made it. Oops.
A friend is doing my hair Tuesday. I might post a picture or two if I'm feeling really good about it.
Probably not of my face though.. I like the anonymity of this blog.
The picture I have up on my layout doesn't look like me now at all.. or at least I don't think so since it's been edited.
Tsk tsk. My other entry was muuuuuuuch better.
I had sex for the first time since I had my son a couple of nights ago. Without my Dr's go-ahead.
Not exactly planned but not exactly spontaneous. Mike and I were/are a very sexual couple and since we were so on and off during pregnancy it's had a strain on both of us. We'd go through dry spells during term where I was less than desirable and also others that I'd experience hormonal bursts where I'd chase after him for 4 times a day. Then directly following, a month where I did not want to be touched either from nausea or discomfort. Or resentment.
Cues screams and flashbacks: "You're never touching me again. I'll break a finger for every day I'm overdue. You did this to me. If there is a hell, it's run by a pregnant woman. etc etc etc."
I had a less than ideal labour, I'd say. (Yes, I'm Canadian, so I'll throw in a 'u' any damn where I please) 30 hours and a baby who stopped breathing 3 seconds after he was born. The Dr's were stitching me up for a half hour. Half without anesthesia, I couldn't see my baby. All I saw was more and more Dr's running into the room. Suction tubes stealing the amniotic mud from my little boys lungs. He came out so abruptly that there was no time to suction the head.. So he breathed it all in at once. And stopped.
Scariest moment. Likely to never be surpassed.
I'll always be thankful that I heard him cry. I knew then that he was alright. To think that we did everything, tried so hard, just to lose him then was he had barely arrived.
Never helped anyone.
.....Back to the point. The moment had built up between Mike and I for weeks. That tension that we had missed so much. The fact that we knew we couldn't be with one another.
Then we started fooling around. A substitute for the main event. Not as satisfying but still a good alternative.
Sounds like I'm reconfiguring a diet. Not talking about our intimate life.
Well things started progressing and we had found out that my stitches had dissolved. We knew we were in the wrong. We just couldn't fight it. Mike nipped out to the gas station to grab condoms.
and I prayed that I wouldn't become pregnant again.
The lovemaking was amazing. Woke up the neighbours. On purpose.
It wasn't that we don't care what the Dr says. It's just that we weren't strong willed enough to go another 10 days.
But I lived through it.. and my body seems just fine two days later.
My son is rocking off to sleep in his electric swing. It's soooo almost out of batteries. I give it a little nudge with my foot every now and again to make sure it doesn't stop moving. The kiddo will rise.. and then I'll never sleep tonight.
It's 5:09am. We got cable finally. Moved in two months ago. This will make some of those borrriiiinggg hours the kiddo is down a little more bearable. A slave to tv. Me. Oh well. I miss all those wedding and baby shows I used to watch.
Nanny 911 is keeping me awake now until Jake is deep enough in a rest for me to pick him up and move him to the bedroom again. We'll see if that's possible.
I used to watch these shows while I was pregnant to teach me what works best in a trial. Not typical results, I'm sure. Now that I'm seeing this, I know I was preparing myself for the worst.
I had a British Nanny growing up. She wasn't a live-in but she came everyday while my parents worked (when they both were working at the same job, they both lost their jobs when I was 9 and had a year of reconfiguring before getting back on the horse but separately). Born in England, worked in South Africa for a long time before coming to Canada.
Let's just say I was the only five year old on the block who could have a formal high tea.
I learned things like: the beverage is saved for after the meal except for a tiny sip when absolutely necessary, watercress and cucumber, tilt the soup bowl away from you and dip your spoon in correspondingly to get the little bits at the bottom.
My father always ate like a pig around her, out of spite. To prove that she was still his employee and that he would remain the same after she was long gone. Doreen, her name was. Smelled of the typical old person scent.
A little like buttercream icing and musk.
She had wax fruit on her countertop in her apartment. My brother always forgot each time we stopped in there. Nothing funnier than watching him pry part of a gnashed up juiceless grape from his teeth.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to give my child that kind of wholesome experience if he needs care. It's not Michael and I's decision for me to go back to work until he's in preschool at the earliest. After Doreen moved back to South Africa my family and I had bad babysitter after bad babysitter. Scenarios from the typical boyfriend in the house with open liquor to prepositioning my father for a blowjob for a few extra dollars. The worst thing the Nanny ever did was shoo us off to nap time early so that she could watch General Hospital without screaming in the background. How that hour used to feel like forever. Blinding daylight creeping into our rooms. Wrenching my eyes forever open.
I used to resent such a strict Nanny. Who wouldn't at that age? What 5 year old knows what the fuck watercress is? But I realize my young upbringing was very cultured. Classical musicians for parents didn't hurt either.
I'm thankful for that. I think I have a lot more to offer someone than most people. I have a different perspective on things. That's what makes me such a constructive conversationalist.
I had a great girls night with a couple ladies that I've known from highschool. We all worked together later doing photoshoots and we've started getting back into a more regular contact pattern as well as getting closer again. We all used to be a tight group back in the day. We've got new lives now (as growing up often does permit) but I find that my most recent one, I've had several, really benefits from having these two girls inside it.
I hope the next time we get together will be as refreshing as this episode was.
Laughter. Gossip. Snuggling, cheesecake. Sorry, no pillow fights, nighties, comparing breasts or practicing kissing. *sigh*
Oh well, maybe next time.
I'm off to sleep. Jake's beaten me there while I was focusing on this entry.
I had the most amazing night. Spent some quality time with some old girlfriends.
I'll write more later.
Comments are fixed. Thanks for giving me the heads up.
It's seven in the morning. I've just got my son off to sleep and now I'm watching the sun rise. I was exhausted and as soon as I saw his eyes so wide and awake I started perking up. I let Mike sleep and took Jake to the living room to nurse and get him back to sleep. Made Mike a lunch. He's a Networking student at college here. I guess that can put in perspective how young we are.
I went there as well...for about a month. Dropped out of a nursing program and decided to work at a coffee shop full time for that year. Nights get longer and days get non existant when you work the graveyard. I'm glad I'm out of that routine. Jesus, was that a bad idea.
Went back to college with a friend for Makeup Artistry/Business Management. We moved into an apartment with a $1500 rent. Moved out the next month. Ended up paying half a years rent in penalties due to my roommate/ex best friend bailing on me. Lesson learned.
But I'm still paying it back.. and by that I mean since I'm staying home with my new baby.. My husband is.
Sometimes life just isn't fair.
I think about all my student loans and how I'll never get them paid off without Mike.. Then I start thinking about his student loans and how maybe we'll never ever get out of debt with them all put together. Yikes.
I want a house for my family and I want the luxury to have more children. I was raised with a lot so I'm used to a higher standard of living. Only the best will do for my family.
Quality not quantity.
It's getting bright enough in here to turn off the nightlight. I feel like that sometimes. All the reality is leaking in... time to turn off the creativity.
I used to think I would go to Art school in Toronto. I would paint, draw, sculpt, schlack for hours and hours. Sometimes the whole night through for days and days. Stop.
Why did I stop?
I just fell out of love with creating?
Nope. That's not the case.
It sounds a little Malcom X'ish.. but maybe creating fell out of love with me.
That is possibly the saddest thing I've ever written. Yet, I'm not sad.
You give up things to get others. I may have not been able to punch out some more used canvas but I did grow my son, safe and warm deep inside my belly. I created life, with a little help from my husband.
That is a wonderful feeling.
Consider me compensated.
But that doesn't mean I don't miss it.
I miss that buzz.
The constant state of awake.
I rarely get the opportunity to watch it but Curb Your Enthusiasm is a fabulous show. Mike and I don't have cable yet but my father flicked it on during dinner at their place tonight and I found myself screaming to it.
The scenario was that Larry and his wife were having a party and wanted to pick up a cake their friend fed them at a previous get together. They found out that the cake was from an erotic bakery and were furious since it was in the shape of a penis and they weren't made aware of it... only served a slice. Larry confronts this man from serving him dick cake.. and says that he had no idea that it had been in that shape before he consumed it.. To which his friend replies "..so then why did you take the balls home?"
I never am good at reiterating jokes so hopefully that wasn't too painful. Good show however.
Mike's bought a 360 and I find myself resentful. I don't know what it is about video games. I'm one of 'those' people I suppose. I just don't like video games. Never have. It's not because I'm not good at them, which I'm not, or the fact that they're overly expensive, which they are. It's the fact that they're just a waste of time to me.
Bad memories regarding them, I think.
Boyfriends who used to park me in front of the tube for literally 12 hours at a time... screaming at me if I complained.. Smoking joint after joint after joint being contented by that. Not me. There's so much more to my life than that now. Thank the Lord. Sheesh.
I know I shouldn't punish Mike for playing them... I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like when the system gets switched on, I take the back seat. Everything else is on hold.. I barely get an acknowledgment from him if I say something. Understanding that guys will be guys. He's the age where you want to play and he has held off getting this system for a long time. I just feel that with him in school full time and working full time.. There's going to be time for little else. My son deserves time with his father.
Mike is not neglectful.. and is helpful in the middle of the night with anything that Jake needs.
I don't know why I'm so selfish. Attention issues, I suppose.
I've always been a brat.
Cable comes on Tuesday. Then I can stop stealing wireless from our neighbours. I miss watching some specific tv shows. Plus, House will be on this month. That's something that Mike and I do NOT want to miss. We're junkies.
My son hardly ever cries. He's a month old tomorrow and he never cries unless I've done something wrong.
Today we were shopping with my mother and she had to make a few stops on the way home. Jake screamed and screamed when we were stopped. It took her longer than expected in every 'quick stop' that we made. I could feel the anxiety pouring out of my ears because I couldn't take him out of his car seat. All he wanted was for me to hold him and make him feel secure. Stable. Loved.
I know it wasn't anyone's fault and babies cry.. but I couldn't help myself. He cried so hard his entire body turned blood red and tears were pouring down his cheeks. The crying where you feel the change of tone in your core. They're just giving up. Believing that you're never going to help them since you're ignoring their needs then.
It's heartbreaking for me to hear.
My baby.. so upset.
Everything was fine.
But I reacted poorly. My emotions weren't in check. I should have just relaxed and accepted it but I got frantic and just started to continuously apologize to the little one. Silly, I suppose now that I look back on it.
I hate not owning a car. I have no control over my life when I'm dependent on others. I have someone depending on me now.. and I can't afford to have things like this happen all the time.
My nerves can't handle it.
I'm off to bed. Jacob's got his one month Dr's appointment tomorrow.
♥. - 4:15pm Saturday, Aug 18 | Edit Note | Delete
This life has only just begun..
I'm so in love with you, Jakey.. This is what life was meant to be like.
I promise to be a great Mom, just like I had. You're worth it. You're worth everything. Mommy and Daddy are going to make everything as perfect for you as we possibly can. I promise.
Love you, little one.
Things change.. - 8:57am Saturday, May 19 | Edit Note | Delete
At the beginning of next month my sister's will total up to four. I've never thought about all this family converging until right now. I like having a big family.
When I was growing up, our daily life and holidays only included immediate family because every Aunt, Uncle, cousin, and Grandparent lived south of the border.
It's just awesome to know that this Christmas there will be family everywhere and our son there to make everyone smile. It's just amazing.
I'm in love with my husband more than ever right now for helping me make a family of our own. This is what we were meant for.
♥ Love you.
So Close.. - 3:31pm Thursday, Feb 15 | Edit Note | Delete
We finalized our reservation at the Old Mill.. It's going to be gorgeous. I couldn't have asked for a more gorgeous room. We have our menu consultation with the Head Chef this weekend, tuxedo fittings, and bridesmaid try-ons. Whew... At some point this week I need to buy shoes as well. I've got everything else.. I'd like to get some blue shoes, my mom and I saw this gorgeous pair on this bride in a magazine and she used them as her 'something blue'. I'm sure it will work. Even if I don't find a nice pair in blue that I love I can still go white.. and then just have my flowers be the 'something blue'.
I've already got my late Grandma Sue's pearls (old), dress/veil/headpiece/etc (new), Audrey is lending me some pearl teardrop earrings (borrowed), and the blue is taken care of.. I'm relieved that all of this is working out. I planned for so long and so hard to have everything fall into place like it is. It's such a relief. I know right after the wedding I'll have a lot more time since there won't be anything left to plan.. *smirks* except for the package arriving in August.
Immediately after the wedding is the last month or so of school, then moving, then the baby, then Mike back to school and moving again, and then winter will be here again. Heh. Time flies when you actually have a purpose in your life. I'm sure I'll have time to enjoy the summer. I'll be feeling fabulous and drifting around in the pool.. Mmm. I can't wait. I need a new bathing suit. I'll get a new tankini, I love those on pregnant women.
Michael and I picked out our wedding rings last night.
I'm so happy.. and everything feels just as it should. What more could a girl ask for?
It's been years since I've had a real online diary. I've been posting to facebook for a few months. A few special entries. I'll probably copy them to this site. They're about some seriously amazing times in my life. All of which have happened to appear in the last year.
I'm a makeup artist by trade, a new wife and Mom by fate, and homemaker by circumstance. I enjoy where my life is right now. Things are finally starting to get going. I can't help but think.. Was this all the right choice for me? Everyone asks themselves these sorts of questions when they have something pivotal and groundbreaking enter their lives. I feel solid in my decisions, actions, and follow throughs.. I love my life, my husband, and my new baby boy.
Lord only knows why we feel that we must interrogate ourselves when our brains finally come to call.
Clarity comes from questioning.
I've never done anything with more meaning, solidarity, determination or vital importance than the last year. Hopefully, I'll spill it all here. I'd like to look back on it in a few and see where I am and where I was.