rburton76s Aeonity Blog

coffeed into dysphoric lucidity

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 23:58:28 -0400

The omission that shines so brightly that it begs not to be given voice, but rather painted red with shame, the unsettling omission that lends an aspect of nullity to my existence, the freakish, jaundiced dementia that brooks no respite save in work and sleep, the defining aspect of all I am and will become. It bounds me. I am closed and bounded by... Read More

more drivel

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 19:43:16 -0400

Through the abyssal years of all that has come before, through the shattered mosaics of dreams, the metaphorical green light across the harbor has drawn me forward. With all that is wrong with what has been and what might come to pass, the green light beckons to me still. When I feel freakish and bereft of hope, it coddles me to sleep. When the ... Read More

waiting to wake up

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 14:32:50 -0400

I feel like I should do something fun today. I just don't know what. Christ, something more fun than sitting here, trying to scrape together a blog entry when I don't have anything to say. What I need are nine high-speed hours of productivity. I've got too much stuff to do today and not enough time to do it. Looks like I picked the wrong week ... Read More

I'm so tired, I can't sleep

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 00:41:16 -0400

After midnight. Five hours of sleep yesterday. I'm loaded to the gills on anxiety medicine, did it to sleep earlier today. Now I haven't had a dose in 11 hours and probably won't be able to sleep tonight without more even though I'm barely half-awake. Christ, after working unti 4:45am yesterday, today was practically a zero day. If I just coul... Read More

no more work to do

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 04:56:09 -0400

The sun'll be up in two and a half hours and, finally, I'm done for the night. Now the problem is sleep. I'm all coffeed up and that fat old sun's going to be coming up and I'll just plain be hosed -- up until noon at least. Today's going to be a damned waste. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling or staring blankly at the television. It doesn'... Read More

didn't even get enough done to feel burnt out

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 00:01:41 -0400

I've got a "syntax error" in one of my "FROM" clauses that I can't see a way to fix. Meanwhile, I've only been awake for 12 and a half hours won't be sleeping anytime soon. I wrote something earlier today that I thought would make a good blog entry: When the idle musings of my mind cannot find solace in playful thoughts, when darkness blankets... Read More

fuck SQL (angst)

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:49:12 -0400

I'm sitting down, getting ready to finish up my end of a school project, feeling pissy that half of what's left is going to have to be written in SQL. I want a photo opportunity. I want a shot at redemption. What I have is this fucking program I have to write. Text parsing and SQL queries. And my mind's about as limber as the Maginot Line. Th... Read More

I look at the floor and I see it needs sweeping

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:32:06 -0400

This process of growing up, growing old, whatever . . . no, Christ, why would I arrogate myself to thinking I have any thoughts on that which are worthwhile? I just want to comment that the vain dreams of youth . . . well, Chris Farley put it best: "You think you're going to go out there and take the world by the tail, swing it round, and put it i... Read More

Thus spake Zarathustra . . .

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 20:05:26 -0400

If you're going to shag a sheep, take it up to the edge of a cliff so that it pushes back better. I've been trying to kill myself in my sleep. Three times in the last two months, I've woken up gasping for air, strangling myself with the quilt. I remember when I was young enough to think I could figure the world out, I quipped that death is a... Read More

uninspired drivel

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 20:45:43 -0400

I remember a time when nothing seemed without meaning, a life a bereft of even the stimulation that a golf tournament provides, but still a time when . . . no, what I wanted to write about was clarity. I remember a time when . . . okay, I'm being silly. Christ, I don't know what to write. I feel like I'm trapped in my own private hell. I had a ... Read More