rebelheart's Blog

alone
Date: May 6th, 2006 10:32:20 pm - Subscribe
Mood: stimulated


i'm really hurt and confused.
i don't know what i was feeling tonight. i couldn't communicate it at the time. what i do know is that i messed something up. sure i didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but that doesn't mean that that is the one reason thats making me emotional.
i'm sorry i couldn't tell you that i just wanted to be alone with you. and watching the basketball game with my mom and brother wasn't what i had in mind. i didn't want sex, i just wanted to be alone with you and cuddle. because this is your last weekend here. your last weekend before the summer where i only get to see you once every couple weeks. the summer where we'll both be working our asses off.
its hard when you're just dating to spend time apart, but its even harder when you're engaged. and its especially hard for me because even though you say its going to work out for the best, i'm not used to this. you've become my best friend, my shoulder to cry on. you alone know everything that's going on in my head, you know how to fix my problems, you know what i want out of life. i've never had that kind of relationship before with anyone. i've never been engaged before. i've never connected with anyone on this level before. and that's what makes this hard. because being without you for 10 days was hard enough as it was, and i'm sorry if i'm so clingy. but i just have this thing where if im unsure of something i hold on to the person i most love. and thats you. and i'm afraid that if i hold on too tight i'm going to push you away. and essentially, i'm just an insecure person, i may seem really strong, but i'm really not. i only mananged to hold myself together for my mother when she was with bud. but now that she's been turning her back on me, i've just broken down. i don't feel like the same person i did when you first met me. and i get worried about that. the thing that i'm most scared about is turning into her. and i don't want to put you through that. i want to be the best person i can be for you because i love you that much. you mean the world to me. i've never been so sure in my entire life that you're the person i want to be with the most. i'm just so worried that some outside force is gonna do something this summer. and even though right now i'm acting immature, and i'm overreacting, and i'm being overemotional...i think i have a right to be. i'm just sorry the night turned out like this.
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