Smile for the world
Date: Feb 4th, 2005 10:12:47 pm - Subscribe
Winamp plays: none
"Today I will face my problems, unwrap them and seek to understand their component parts, spread them out before the Lord, thank Him in advance for what He's going to do, follow orders for what I am to do, and stand by to watch His miracles."
Life is good to me right now, let's keep it that way
Do your best and He will do the rest
Date: Jan 26th, 2005 8:50:29 pm - Subscribe
Winamp plays: nothing
Boy, it's unusual how you can feel so bad one moment and so good in the next. Not just another moment, but the very next one. And there's a lesson to be learned I figured, one that I always knew about but needed reminding of. Oh I wish I wasn't so forgetful, don't you?
Well let me tell you about it. It's nothing much really. I got my french test back today and I didn't want to look at it, neither did I want to see the teacher or have any eye contact with her as I stepped into the classroom, unlike other french classes. There was a lot of shame in me and I didn't want it to be seen by her, because I knew very well that I did not do well on my test at all. I didn't want to think about it, but it was something I had to accept. Now it's a fact - she expects more of me than any other student in the class, not because I'm special in anyway, but because she had taught me before, she had seen a lot of work that I've been doing and a lot that I'm capable of. Our relationship as teacher and student has really grown to really, as friends, even way before she had started substituting us. She not only cares about my marks, she cares about me because she knows me like no other teacher does.
So yes, I looked at my mark and wasn't surprised, because I deserved every single mark I got, and to ultimately lose every other. It really was the worst test I've ever did. Then I felt even worse and shame just kept on rushing through after, when she had to talk to me personally. Oh what I would've done to get out of it...but I had to face it. Then we talked again after school.
But after school was different. My mood had been nearly turned upside down and inside out, because I felt so good about my physics test I did just last block. This means something to me - it's an accomplishment, because I never understood physics until this 2nd time around (i've taken physics 11 in summer school before). And it's that sensation you get when you finally understand something you've always been struggling to find solution for. It's an accomplishment because I've finally proved to myself that by not slacking off like I did in the first term, I can really be successful. Not just in physics, but in anything.
And so, with this accomplishment in physics, and the failure in french, I've remembered one crucial thing. Life is full of failures, but these numbers cannot in any way be greater than those of successes. Failure is an important component of success, because through failure we learn to realize, acknowledge, and remember all that was forgotten.
It's really not worth the time and effort to dwell on those failures - at least I don't plan to moan and groan over my ugly mark for my french test, because it's really not necessary. Getting an undesired score on a test doesn't mean I'm going downhill for the rest of my life. Failures cannot make anybody A Failure if we learn to discover the lessons behind them.
And what do we do with those accomplishments? The success? Celebrate
Date: Jan 25th, 2005 12:39:09 am - Subscribe
Winamp plays: none
I just found out I have this cut on my gums where my wisdowm tooth is coming out, and surprisingly, it's not hurting. The gum is like sliced...but why am I talking about this anyway?
I learned something on sunday. I realized that up to this point in life, i've fallen into many traps that have laid before me as i face all the temptations that this world holds right now.
The trap of the "success syndrome" - yes, everyone wants to be successful, and im no exception. in fact, i have always had a vision that i'll become one of the more successful ones, out of my generation anyway. I believe I'm not necessarily wrong on this (because of my ambitious nature), and I'm not saying that it's wrong to see yourself successful in the future either. However as I have learned, one of the things that motivate this trap is human praise, and I suddenly realize this is exactly how I fall into this pit. It's so true because I always want to impress certain people, and I always like that sort of praise people give in return. Not to seek attention, but for self-satisfaction. But this is such a misleading pathway to take, and I want to get out of it. Sure, I'd like to be successful, but I don't want to do things for other people when its myself whom I have to do it for.
I cannot worship fame. My life cannot be driven by the successes in achieving things that are rather tangible/materialistic. But I am having such a difficult time remembering this as one of the traps that surround me as if there is no possible way out. I'm constantly being trapped by traps.
Why is it so easy for us to love the praises of men more than the praises of God? I need to avoid these traps that keep me from surrendering and trusting, so that I can lead a fufilling life - one that brings me to true satisfaction.
I don\'t want to see them like that
Date: Jan 22nd, 2005 12:22:52 am - Subscribe
God, I just wish I could take on some of the stress in people to make sure they can come through each day. It hurts to see someone struggle and even tell me that themselves when they are one of the stronger (strongEST) ones out there. I wish I can help them fight off whatever they're struggling with. I wish I can make everything go the way they want it to. I wish I can take their place until every bit of that pain they endure goes away. I really wish.
So many times we've fallen apart, and so many times we've lost faith in ourselves... What's to come seems unclear to me, and unclear to so many people I know. How can I confidently say I'm not afraid? I am, and especially for those selected few whom I hate to see - lost, and trying to break free from bondage of doubt and sin.
Would You show us the way? Show us how blind and unaware of You we are.
I\'m not ready, but I\'m ready @@;;;
Date: Jan 19th, 2005 6:38:14 pm - Subscribe
Winamp plays: none
I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow's french class, where we have to do our oral "test". I won't call it a struggle, but it makes me nervous just thinking about what to say tomorrow when im being tested.
But hey, at least I've got the school play's first read-through tomorrow after school to look forward to. It's pretty much official now as to what part im playing in Lucky Stiff - this rocker/punk with a british accent. I don't think I have a name, just "Punk" is what it says on the script according to Johnny. I'm really excited about it, because I'm not like, street person #1 or customer #2 or some unknown person. I actually have some lines to say, which is quite good because it's a fitting role for me (I get to keep my hair!), and I don't have to say too much like the lead characters. I'm quite satisfied with how far i've made it already, I didn't even think I would've made it to the play in the first place.
Anyway, everything's going smoothly. Get through tomorrow block c, and I'll be good for the week.
Thanks for the black pen, it made my day
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