New day - SOS
Date: Feb 1st, 2005 5:23:23 am - Subscribe
Mood: sarcastic
Well, been a while since I've posted here..so here goes
Got a job, finally, that pays more than shit. I'm in training now for Armed Security Guard at DPG. Base housing is available and its cheap cheap cheap - utilities included - so ya i'm psyched...
Finally finally finally, over Becky...didn't know what came over me - or what that was all about but I'm feeling so much better now that I'm all over her..what a wasted effort that was huh?? What helped it was seeing her freak out (like her usual when we were married self) Didn't want all that, not to mention all the bad memories that came to mind...so yeah she hasn't changed a fuckin bit
Oh another thing about that...yep she was just using me; easier to see when I don't have feelings for her (again) SO, when I finally get on my feet, moved out, new furniture ... and she's gone nowhere ... I'll know what she wants if she tries to get back together again (though I'm honestly not feeling that I'm pretty sure she wants nothin to do with me in that sense anymore ) ....which is a good thing cuz now I won't have to really worry about her feelings or my feelings toward each other
Back on track: passed handgun qual, OC pepper spray - what a bitch that was, defensive tactics, and first aid/cpr...one week left with classroom stuff about the law, yadda yadda, and I'll be bankin - whoo
Finally getting to know some of the guys i'm training with. Got one good prospect for someone to hit the clubs and bars with, cool kid, same situation as me...all friends are married and don't really wanna go out anymore
hmmm can't think of anything else besides Becky pissed off at me cuz I'm in training and I can't watch the kids after work so she can have a "after work business dinner" 2-3 nights in a row (right I believe that one)
Oh and she's going to stay in a hotel in Park City this coming weekend (Feb 3-5) to go window shopping with some of the girls at work - yup yet another believable story...its amazing how much bull shit she tries dishing out to me .. not only that .. supposedly she's got no money cuz all of its been spent on childcare, but she has plenty of cash to help with a hotel room...comon park city, winter, minimum hotel will be $100 a nite - all to go window shopping *cough* bullshit *cough*
Comments: (0)
Yet another Day gone by
Date: Jan 20th, 2005 11:09:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: spiritual
It amazes me how fast time seems to pass as I get older. I don't know where it comes from because I clearly remember as a kid how "long" a year took, especially summers..
Well as I get closer to the next week and the start of my new job, I am dragging so bad at present company. I'd rather not be working this temp job anyway, but it passes the time and give me some money to carry me thru these next couple weeks. Than, I'll start banking some cash.
Rent's cheap on base, $525 + utilites for 3-bedroom, so I can't pass that up. Only downside is it's 1.5 hours away from the kids. On the flip-side to that, I intend on working the 3 12-hour shifts from Friday - Sunday, leaving me the rest of the week to do as I PLEASE !!! talk about freedom eh?
Well, Tante Heidi is nagging me bad now to take her to the damn store. 3rd time this week, the last being a 4-hour trip to Ross that was supposed to be for only 15 minutes tops...WTF is up with that
Well, off I gooooooo !!!!
BTW - rubbed my moving out into an apartment in Becky's face...haha she wasn't too happy about that; her comment: "well its nice you get to move out while I'm only able to get deeper in the [money] hole."
TSK TSK TSK I SAY - what you get for playing around with my feelings BIATCH !!! I'll move on as usual while you play your "i'm such a victim" role and do nothing with your god forsaken life
Comments: (0)
Whoo !!
Date: Jan 17th, 2005 1:01:48 am - Subscribe
Mood: explosive
Thats what I have to say...god i feel so good right now - okay this moment I'm feeling like crap really, but thats only cuz I just ran 1-mile in 9 1/2 minutes...not bad considering the last time I ran like this was 4-years ago
What is odd, is my half my foot went numb around 1/2 mile...its hard running like that, had to stop and walk it off (not that it did any good) a couple times.
Other than feeling a little dizzy right now, it feels wonderful..
HOAH
Earlier today: Becky asked me to help her clean and whatnots...okay I agreed to since I did tell her i'd help out with anything she asked for (probably too generous IMO) but I went out anyway.
Got there and she seemed happy enough, but in less than 10 minutes she was breaking down about having to cleanup after the kids day-in day-out, her dad constantly stopping her from finishing cuz he has his own agenda of what she should do, and to top it off, her thoughtless mother tied up the laundry so she couldn't do any laundry..
So, trying to be comforting, I tried to give her a hug - and wouldn't you know it she pushed me off, fell fuck, was just trying to help ya know? I was done after 5 more minutes of her yelling at me and treating me like shit. To top it off, as I was leaving, she asked if i was going to pick the kids up from my sisters...yah right what the fuck do I look like?!?!
So later, she calls me to make sure I didn't go get the kids...WTF?!?! Not after she treated me like that, I said..her response: well I figured you wouldn't - try to put that shit on me my ass - and she even had the nads to say how its always easier to walk away...well threw that back into her face - as if she didn't just walk away from me or us...
Comments: (0)
The Dream
Date: Jan 16th, 2005 5:37:01 pm - Subscribe
Mood: smitten
So, I had this really interesting dream, so interesting I've managed to think about it's meaning and remember it long enough to write it down.
I start off remembering being in an old neighborhood where I lived as a teen. I was running down the street in great strides, almost leaping and bounding, but my timing started getting off, so the pace wasn't so steady anymore. I remember how great it felt to run like that again - run in the lead of the group.
As I rounded a corner, a running pal (unknown character) passed me on the right, although using smaller strides, I recall thinking how much faster I could run if I just had my rhythm - I knew it was there and I had only to get into it.
My rhythm was so off though, that pretty soon a much slower runner closed the gap...and I thought how that used to be me...slow, unrhythmic...
Although I barely remember the start and the ending to this dream, the 'meat & potatos' is what counts.
See, recently Becky and I have tried to re-work our differences, at the least for the children. The first time - we went all in dating - which was quite a strain on all of us
I was an ass because I wasn't entirely ready when I propositioned her - I was going in it for companionship to battle some of my lonelyness.
She was going into it with all her heart - even after 3 years - however with a defense mechanism that activates so quickly, she doesn't realize it's kicked in..
So, as you can imagine, this lasted a mere 3-months - to say it "lasted" is a joke. But near the end, she finally took away the last brick and mortar protecting my heart...but...at that moment in time - she didn't want a loving relationship with me - I had "broken her heart '3' times", each time more than the last...and that was it, she had no more love for me.
I don't undertand, couldn't, how it would just go away overnite, literally, it did...now 2 months later, I still feel the pain and confuse myself when I spend my time at their house.
What's worse, I feel she still loves me the same - she's just hiding it...I get little bits of information that wouldn't have ever made it out, had she not loved me - remember its the little things that count..back to my story
The slower guy is me, 3-days ago. I was spending the evening at her house with the kids. I, like always, gave Becky a hug and kissed her cheek..I know she likes it - the attention and PDA - I know she allows it because of me..if it were any other guy she wouldn't let that happen (I think anyway) But she "slapped me in the face with a comment" saying I'm confusing our youngest daughter with this show of affection - especially since we're just working on our friendship...
Well folks, that hit home and I left soon after.
Yesterday, not only did I really feel "over" that incident...but almost entirely felt over her.
I was at Ross. I took my aunt there to return some things and a very pretty woman was behind us..She had to wait 5 minutes or so, so that my aunt could return some items.
The woman returned eye contact and even managed a nice smile more than once. But, I don't know how to approach women and let it slide ... so anyway - thats where I am in my Dream - finding my rhythm through this emotional downpour.
The faster runner represents me down the road - I don't know when, but all I have to do is get into my rhythm and things will fall back into place. And I can feel my rhythm comin on..................................
Comments: (0)