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tron put something spiney in your most sensitive hole! - Subscribe
How would I describe my day? What metaphor could possibly encapsulate the decadent awfulness of today? Could the be such literary anomalies? Let me attempt anyway to paint you a picture, with faeces on the wall...

It is raining here, turning the ground into a slush which resembles a mucous more than mud. I saw a duck go tits up, it is no lie.

My car died today. Its not my car, but it IS my primary mode of transport. four thousand plus dollars and two weeks to get it back on the road. Money I do not have. Money we do not have. It is spewing a fine mist of coolant out of its arsehole, the result of a dead head gasket. In short, new engine.

So in light of this, I've been offered a dream job. I can teach art to semi-intoxicated women via the process of studying hot naked men. What could be better. Lets get a little feminist equality happening here. BUT...

I've been offered a trial waitressing. Nice place, but its just the same old shit. I don't really want to take the work, but the money might be better. The 'right choice' is to take the trial. To do the shitty work for more money. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

And because the car is dead, I'll miss both the Fathers Day dinner with my family tonight and the Havelocks gig I've been dying to get to....

Did I mention I have to pull 4.5K out of my arse? I don't make that in a MONTH!

this is rooted. so very very rooted.

If you don't mind I'm going to feel sorry for myself...
OH and PS Dave you're a fucking CUNT because you're full of shit and you're a two faced arsehole! There I said it. Sure, I think Disturbed is GAY but if you make a big deal about me not going because its going to be a 'boys night' and you're glad to get time with Tim, don't invite other chicks, or it just looks like you don't want me there you anal fissure.

Fuck you.

--tron
0 Comments
Mood: pissed off

tron it might be alive, get a mirror Sep 4th, 2008 8:19:10 am - Subscribe
Its been a long time since I've written anything. This was brought to my attention by someone I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice to catch up. Don't get too big a head about your mention.

I'm ok. I just haven't felt like writing here for a while. I haven't had anything to say. Things have either been going well enough to distract me from the blog, or have been going badly enough that I didn't want to spread that kind of thing around. But here I am with another post, from my rather quiet life.

I'm waiting to hear back from a job interview yesterday. Its for teaching art. I think the interview went well. So, its just a matter of time to see how I really did with it all. I'd love to teach life drawing to groups of women. It would be excellent.

If I don't hear back from them, I start a trial with a restaurant locally next wednesday. I don't really want to work there, but I really would like to have more money again. I want to buy a coffee machine! (and be able to afford to pay bills...)

I'm very tired at the moment, and not very motivated. Its a 'time of year' thing. I'm trying my best to doggy paddle to some kind of land, but the waves of my uncontrolable emotions are washing over me and sending me back into myself again. I think I need to withdraw from certain situations. I'm sorry, I'm not ready. Just not. Its too hard for all concerned, and for what? Things get further under my skin than they do those around me anyway, I'm sure of it.

Shopping tomorrow for a dress to wear to a wedding. I'm MCing a friend's wedding. They must be silly putting me in that position... I'll have to write speeches its high school all over again.

I'm painting more. Its for uni, and its good to be doing it. I'm caring more about this stuff. But I have to go. next week I have a lot to do and I need to go away and get some of the work that I have been putting off done. curse my shithouse study habits.

I'll see you all... never.

Tron
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Mood: limp

tron it appears... and then leaves Aug 18th, 2008 12:01:04 am - Subscribe
I miss a web comic that I used to read called "Romulus and Remus" but it seems to have been swallowed whole and digested, bones and all, by the unforgiving internet. Why cruel world?

So I haven't been around much. I had a birthday recently. Thank you, 24. It wasn't an easy birthday for a number of reasons. None of which I feel tempted to divulge here, or this might get to be a 'personal' entry and you would have nothing. Be grateful.

I'm starting to read around, oh yeah you know it, and I think its time my rants became a little more cohesive, a lot longer, and definitely more linked to the shared human experience. So I'm putting my mood to 'destructive' hurrah.

See you next time.
1 Comments
Mood: destructive

tron el strangeo to the day Jul 28th, 2008 11:20:22 am - Subscribe
Today has been a strange day.

A strange week.

A continuing, developing, misanthropic sense of self. Another dialogue with no one. More strange dreams. More events. More work. Wonderings. Present de-aspirations. Apathy/Contentment. Illness creeping up... flu kind not anything else.

University ever onward. Weariness. Excitement. Something to care about. Hiatus. Industry. Caution. En Guarde.

Begin again...

ad infinitum.
0 Comments
Mood: argumentative

tron going to the city Jul 2nd, 2008 3:52:01 am - Subscribe
When I go to the city
Its to purge the smell of eucalypts and wood smoke
From my memory and replace it
With grit, dirt and something else…
I need to remember why I’m not here.

When I go to the city, I need to smell
The bad breath coming from the trams
The stink of rage
The apathy that leaks from every pore of
The crush around me,
I need to smell vicinity.

I need to smell urine
And shit
And booze
And stress
And overuse
And waste
And forgetting
And losing
And wishing
And hoping…
I need to smell dreams being born
And death.

When I go to the city, I forget the exhilarating
Permanent marker smell
Of fast car petrol
And late night binging.
I need to forget my own smell lingering
Amongst the people I brush against
When I’m out of my mind.

When I enter the city
When the city enters me
I need to block out its pheromones
And not fall in love.
0 Comments
Mood: fragile

tron other people's kids. Jul 1st, 2008 11:20:15 pm - Subscribe
thank you for bringing your precious bundle of joy to my house. I should have expected this when I invited you for dinner.

Wow. They scream that much. Honey, see we don't want kids any time soon. What? This is good. Thats excellent. Honey we really do not want kids any time soon.

Ok, lets have dinner. Where do you put him? I don't know. I don't have anywhere. Ok just on the couch. (mind he doesn't spew on my blue couch... white baby chuck doesn't come out so easily). Smile.

Oh aren't you cute. He did a shit that big huh? Ah, thats what the noise is. You want attention. Adult conversation anyone? Yes, he is cute. Yes you are tired. No, not much to say? Ok.

You don't want to catch a movie or something? No worries. I understand. You have to get the little angel back to bed (seriously). And I'll see you again soon. Maybe we could go out on the bikes, start looking around for a sitter. Drive safe. See you later.

I need a drink.
0 Comments
Mood: torn

tron Crunchy... Jun 15th, 2008 1:42:40 am - Subscribe
I'm not okay with no motivation. I can't work in the 'artistic' headspace any more. I need motivation.

There is some, I'm sure, stored somewhere in a box clearly marked 'get off your arse' but I seem to have lost the key to that box and I can't get into it. Staring at it isn't getting anything done.

AGH... Time to go... to try and not make the same pattern of mistakes.

Tron
2 Comments
Mood: dour

tron I'm as synthetic as my wash cycle. Jun 14th, 2008 8:30:36 am - Subscribe
I click the dial on the washing machine to synthetics. Its a shorter cycle, save the planet. I feel synthetic myself tonight. I feel thoroughly unmotivated. I see posts on here about new things, and here, at the end of semester, I'm finishing something when other people are starting. Its startlingly incongruous.

I'd like to feel like I were headed somewhere. Like I were motivated toward a goal. But I'm not. And surprisingly, despite this empty feeling and a longing to 'get up and go somewhere every day' I'm not too worried by the whole experience.

On the whole, I find demotivation the usual place to be when the air turns cold. Something else opens up inside my head and creative wheels start to turn. I'm like a deciduous tree to look at, stark, gaunt, completely still... not doing anything and surrounded by the rotting decay of my own leaves. But inside, I'm not dead. I'm just sleeping, and thinking. I could be like this forever. I could be content with this...

if only I could quell that desire to get up and go somewhere every day.

I wish there was a vaccination that could prevent this sometimes. I wish there were some kind of 'dilligence' drug that made you want to do things (I think there might be one, I think its called 'speed')... But then again, is it better to be in this natural state of stagnance, to take stock of all that is not happening?

I have no answers.
0 Comments
Mood: undecided

tron walking out is harder to do than you think. Jun 12th, 2008 12:16:23 pm - Subscribe
Why is it that a person can feel completely fine until they walk into a therapist's office. I challenge you to find me someone who won't consider themselves a little mad after subjection to the intensity associated with the medicinal confessional that is my therapists offices...

Today I felt fine, balanced. Unmotivated, definitely but still, fine enough in my life. But step into that office, and I am again disintegrated into the ball of raw sinew and fuckery that I have come to associate with these sessions.

I left early.
I hated myself for the lack of commitment.
I am successfully conditioned to deteriorate in small rooms with high ceilings and yellow walls... my god-- the walls in my house are ALL YELLOW... (not my choice).

So here I am feeling totally shit about the whole experience, and assured by the many voices of judgement within me that not one soul will give a shit. Good on you if you do.

Its a wonderful place inside my head. I think I'll go to sleep.

night world.

Tron
1 Comments
Mood: neurotic

tron turning the car around and going HOME! Jun 2nd, 2008 9:40:00 am - Subscribe
I am free. Free in my own mind. Whirling, swirling, twirling in happiness. Light as air, too far from the ground with relief.

Soon, all this shall be over. I am returning to my first love: The english language.

I don't mean to discriminate and exclude the many other beautiful languages out there, this is, simply, the only language that I have... I am returning HOME, to myself.

I am changing paths, a little, again to become more myself.

My life is a stone and I am carving myself out of it pebble by pebble. I am closer to my dream. I have accepted fate. I like it. I love it... I have gained all I need here, and am ready to move on.

I made this decision today, and it made the world make sense. I am becoming again, what I always was deep down. THANK FUCK!

Perhaps, just maybe, (the bald man had no hair), this therapy caper is working. I can see the self satisfaction seeping out of my therapist when I make progress, but I refuse to get into that... not now. I can't corrode this.
0 Comments
Mood: Happy

tron all hail the shiny May 31st, 2008 12:02:42 pm - Subscribe
When did dressing like a slut get glamorous? There's a few questions on my mind that I'd like the general public, or society as a whole to answer for me. This is the first of them.

If you put on something skimpy from an op-shop or something that's hand me down no matter how good condition its in, you're trashy. If you buy the same kind of thing new, and cover it in diamonties than your classy? Well maybe its not that simple. You do have to slick your hair down and make sure you're clean, and there's a certain implied elegance in 'class' but essentially, you're either all hanging out there, or 'creating the illusion' of all hanging out there, and realistically isn't that one of the trashiest things you can do?

Firstly, that last sentence was far too long. Secondly, its wrong to judge, out loud. People don't like to feel like they're being judged, but we all do it. We rely on the external appearances of others to make those split second judgements about how much value they might be to us. We are, after all, social capitalists. We all are, regardless of your economic viewpoint. But this is beyond my original point.

My point was about class, and the seeming lack of it when all your body parts are on display. I sometimes think that animals have it much easier when it comes to appearance, but whatever, that's another post.

So back to class. I guess its all about the presentation of a message. See, to me, looking beautiful without the perfect body, without the mint of money, that's something. Its easy to 'scrub up nice' if you never get dirty. For me, I like those hard won battles. And I don't like diamonties. There's something a little bit trivial about overtly worshipping those 'shiny things'.

I guess what I'm trying to say amongst this very tired prattle, is that its the messages that are hard won that count. Its the person who took the effort to say what they wanted without compromising that impresses me.

Anything can live up to this high ideal of mine: art, music, dance, drama, literature, conversation... taking the time to get the message out there without using cheap tricks will always seem more classy, elegant, sophisticated to me than all the diamonties, or even diamonds real or metaphorical you can dish up...

Tron
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Mood: spectacular

tron break my heart again, for old times sake. May 22nd, 2008 11:17:44 am - Subscribe
Every time I sit down to write something here I come up against a wall. It is made of reasons not to write, reasons to just walk away from this...

the foundation is a loyalty to paper, and a fear of readers. Its a judgement avoidance. It is cemented to the next layer by a conviction that I have nothing to say. The next layer is the certainty that the whole exercise is futile... wasteful of so many things... time, energy, thoughts, little pieces of myself so optimistically cast into the world and lost in the swamp of other people's needs... need to be recognised, need to be loved.

the wall builds itself up higher and higher with layers of failed attempts... and is decorated by my own self scorn and my distaste for the process.

The wall protects me from you all... and traps me within myself.

there is so much to say. and no reason at all to say it to anyone. I am utterly convinced that no one is listening. I am utterly convinced that the exercise of opening up to others does little more than push them away further from me in the times when I need them the most.

I am tired of listening.
I am tired of not listening.
I am afraid of not hearing
I am terrified of not being heard.

There came a point when, without the structured inescapable environments to pressured people closer and closer through their shared captivity, I realised that I had lost the capacity to connect in meaningful ways to those around me.

I am ready again to trust someone, completely, but how do I find that someone? How do I reach out and find someone who would not see me as a burden? I need that person with the right mix of empathy and understanding, interest and forgiveness, similar experiences, and self resolve... the right person... someone to be very close to and share with. I am ready for a new friendship. I am ready to nourish and be nourished... but I am behind so many walls.

How do you reach out to people?

This seems like a first step.
2 Comments
Mood: wonderful

tron change of scene Apr 17th, 2008 10:35:40 am - Subscribe
paper is working well for me.

begun therapy.

don't worry if you don't hear too much, i'm just very busy, very tired, and paper works better.

tron
1 Comments
Mood: chaotic

tron whine whine whine Apr 12th, 2008 7:53:36 am - Subscribe
So I've had a pretty shit run of late. There's been some huge fucking nightmare at the school I was working at for practicum (first prac out mind you) where I was handed from teacher to teacher and in the end without following proper procedure they tried to fail me. The school... well I'm just not happy.

Yet we live and we learn. I had such a miserable time this prac that I can't imagine myself doing this job anymore. Everyone around me is either sick of hearing me whine or they think that its better for me not to talk about it. Either way I feel like arse.

It strikes me that my entire personality might be wrong for this profession. Its not the teaching kids I can't handle, its the colleagues. I'm sure there are nicer teachers out there, but really, if there are more like this, I certainly don't want to run into them.

To compound things, my holiday to Melbourne is off. Kaput. And this is final. There was no way *** could get the time off work, so we can't go. And frankly, we really need some time to ourselves asap. We've barely seen each other for two weeks or more. Our schedules keep us apart. I know I'm pretty much a wreck, and I'm sure he's pretty rooted too when it comes to mental fatigue. Time away just the two of us would be really nice.

So apparently, there will be another holiday in a couple of months. And right now I just see that as another opportunity for disappointment. I'm feeling pretty negative.

So at the moment, I've got to finish assignments, while living in limbo because someone decided I'm not good enough. I refuse to accept that. I cannot concede that I was so terrible that I might deserve to fail!!!

I'm just fucking sick of everything at the moment. No Holiday, no certainty about my degree. I feel like I may as well pack it all in now. I can't see my personality changing and I'm not a people person. I'm not mentally drawn/ interest drawn to the jobs/professions that allow you to work without other people around me.

I just want to go and do something else, and soon.

Fuck it all.
Tron
0 Comments
Mood: salty

tron my kingdom for a font! Apr 2nd, 2008 11:40:13 am - Subscribe
So its getting ever closer to the time when my eyelids will win the battle with coffee and demand some down time. It’s the end of another long day. Its seriously full on. Prac that is. For those not familiar with the routine, I’m training/studying to be a teacher so I get plopped onto someone else’s class, right at the end of the school term, to watch and teach lessons which have no continuity within the teaching and learning of the students.

I get to watch with amazed horror the difference between classroom practice and all the theories they bang on about in the hallowed halls of the university. I spend some time learning the few things that it will take the uni two or more years to integrate into my life (or so they think) and then I walk away disappointed that my taxes will pay people in the future to do more of this shitty teaching.

I’m up to my fucking ears in a world of “do as we say not as we do” and “don’t do that, do what I do!” and “don’t do what he does, he’s a moron” politics and policies that don’t really get implemented and a supervising teacher that doesn’t really know much more about what’s going on than I do. Or, rather, knows exactly what’s going on and prepares much the same way I do.

Its my main rant for the moment.

Life cruises on in my happy, control freak environment. I take charge and things get done. I believe in the power of myself to do things and hang everyone else. No that’s a lie. I’m not that jaded yet. You might say I’m exhibiting some kind of zen balance, despite the long LONG days and the hours of prep and resource work.

I can’t wait to sleep in on the weekend. So help the sparrow that farts before I wake up.

So life cruises, and posts are few and far between. Reflection. Reflection is the key to improvement. I can see that the eyelids are starting to get the brain onside in the aforementioned battle… fuck. Well it might be a good place to stop.

A foundation script free font, I’d give my kingdom for it. That and some realism in uni.

G’night all.
Tron
0 Comments
Mood: drowsy
something in the real to share: today was better than yesterday which was better than the day before.

tron late night ramblings. Mar 2nd, 2008 12:21:40 pm - Subscribe
Several times I've thought I had something important, relevant, cross contextually mesmerising to say. Only, then I make the mistake of becoming so distracted I forget what it is that the world so desperately needs to hear and so conclude that it wasn't very important to begin with.

But now I'm so overwhelmingly full of words that some must dribble over the lip of my brain through my fingers via running nerve impulses and land inevitably here in this great opus of mine.

An opus, admittedly, of long sentences.

But to hell with efficient word use tonight.

The pressure in my head is already starting to dim and fade. I'm becoming aware of a coldness on my face where my breath hits my top lip after exiting my nose. Suddenly there's more around me than the imperative to spill.

Is it the slow steady rush of my breath?

Is it an inescapable fatigue in my body that is bringing the mental rush to its night time hiatus?

It is certainly going to be a combination of these things. But I can't sleep yet. There is more to be done!

There is more tidying, and more preparing, more reading. I have not been nearly as efficient and productive over the last few days as I would like, and I'm not going to let this ethic slide. And this resolve is despite the little niggles that creep into my brain telling me that the task at hand is too big. Quit now, save yourself some disappointment. Save yourself wasted effort. Isn't that after all the most efficient choice you can make.

I can't wait for therapy to start
I need therapy to start
Is there time for therapy in my schedule?
What if they have forgotten me?
What if they haven't forgotten me...

Am I really better enough to go it alone?

This isn't the time for these kind of questions of self. Its just a late night tired rambling to get the monkeys off my back...

I adore Tom Waits.
I need a cigarette more than i need both legs...

"I like my town with a little drop of poison"
me too tom, me too.
1 Comments
Mood: disappointed with myself, but stubborn.

tron misanthropy 1o1 Feb 10th, 2008 4:31:25 am - Subscribe
Everyone is fake. Or disappointing. Or both.

Yesterday I realised that my friends are useless. But they like to think that they are better than they are.

I'm not sure what to do.

You know how friends say that no matter what, when you need them they'll be there? Well when that moment turns up and they don't come... even if you don't want them, but they should be there... when that moment comes...

My moment happened last year. And no one turned up. And until now, I didn't care. I'm tired. Tired of even giving one shit about people. I've got a torch, and I'm taking long hard look at some bridges.

My friends like to think they are potential heroes. They like to think that they are good friends. But they aren't. They make their own lives busy, messy places. Some have genuine reasons... but others don't. Or at least, some have reasons that I can see working for them in their own minds to justify themselves.

Am I reading more into people than there is to see? Am I foolish for thinking that they can be more than what they are. Surely one ounce of intelligence and a little fucking sense will prevail.

I'm fucking furious.

I'm hurt.

I feel stupid for not realising this sooner.

Not all people are wastes of time. Not all people value form over function in every aspect of their lives. OK. Rant over. There is fucking hope.

And really... it is the ultimate stupidity to let someone so stupid, shallow, artificial and deluded colour my whole existence. I'll just have to be a lot more cynical and put the loyalty of 10 years of shit with other people behind me.

Time does not excuse.
5 Comments
Mood: explosive

tron i may know the word... Feb 4th, 2008 11:24:26 am - Subscribe
Today I read an old letter from a lot of years ago, just for me from someone who used to be very important to me. I can't throw it away just like I can't throw the old pictures away. Not yet. Maybe because there is something that I need to remember that's hidden in them.

There is an uncompromising beauty in the letter. There is a hard, undeniable truth unveiled and expressed with care and warmth. I miss that. This is truly something that I have given up in favour of other things. Something that I thought I could live without, but now I wonder.

I realised something about myself tonight. Something that I had forgotten. Something about who I am and what I really value in a relationship. Some kind of honesty and integrity and intelligence that goes beyond daily living. Somehow before things were more about the ephemeral beauty of sharing life together. Maybe that's why I was so angry before. Knowing that I had lost my chance to share that with anyone, because he had been so beautifully moulded to my needs.

But can you ever truly mould someone to your needs and is it ridiculous to expect everything to be on the table. As I grow older I realise that there is more to be appreciated in the adult world in the things that go unspoken. The bonds that are shared in a single hand held moment. The love exchanged in a brief moment.

But.

There is always a but. Is there anyone out there who would truly love to be in a space of complete openness with someone? Is there anyone out there that begs to be explored like that... who wants that physical, mental undying connection... who desires above all else the truth and the openness and the articulation of love, passion and expression??

Or was that one moment of love's enlightenment, shut off now to me forever...

Or am I just blind to the feeling because I'm so incapable with my own feelings now.?


Song for the moment:

Natalie Merchant: I may know the wold from "Tigerlily"

I may know the word
But not say it
I may know the truth
But not face it
I may hear a sound
A whisper sacred and profound
But turn my head
Indifferent

I may know the word
But not say it
I may love the fruit
But not taste it
I may know the way
To comfort and to soothe
A worried face
But fold my hands
Indifferent

If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be paying for deliverance
From the night into day

But it's all grey here
It's all grey to me

I may know the word
But not say it
This may be the time
But i might waste it
This may be the hour
Something move me
Someone prove me wrong
Before the night comes
With indifference

If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
From the night into the day

But it's all grey here
But it's all grey to me

I recognize the walls inside me
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
Chasing demons down
Until they fall
In fitful sleep
Enough to keep their strength
Enough to crawl
Into my head
With tangled threads
They riddle me to solve

Again and again and again


fuck what I would not give for a cigarette right now... for something to still myself... to make this fade... to slow and pacify within myself.
0 Comments
Mood: stormy

tron a place for everything... and everything in its place. Jan 31st, 2008 11:29:35 am - Subscribe
it becomes more and more apparent to me that I'm not the person that I once was. A hard thing to reconcile in a town where you've been busy growing up, where the shadows of years or months ago follow you around.

So much has happened in the last 12 months. And although I am happy about the new found stability, I do think that there are things about my new life which leave a hole in myself. Such is the nature of compromise. I hope that more than anything else I am able to remember the yearning that exists within myself and never forget to be tolerant.

Life becomes more and more about control. Control of self, control of life, control of everything else. Life becomes more and more about stability and mental asceticism. Learning to control things, and release them at exquisite moments of truth, learning the true value of things through their denial, and squashing my square shaped self into the circle of normal. Taking off the edges. Without medication, without fear, without anything.

The freedom of not being needed, of not needing anything... is indescribable. It is simultaneously terrifying and elating.

The freedom to grow is scary... who will I become, and ill I ever stop? I'm not sleeping with the past any more. Somehow this abstinence makes life better too. Appreciation for taming the wild beast. I don't feel as though I'm pushing at the edges any more. I feel like I'm nicely contained. Compartmentalised. A place for everything and everything in its place.

Put me in the box. I've got nothing to prove. I know that at the end of the day, I'm not what you think I am. And as long as I remember that I can stand for you to think that I'm whatever you need or want me to be.
1 Comments
Mood: smooth

tron some recent observations Jan 24th, 2008 8:44:00 am - Subscribe
its pretty easy, i think, to approach a 'new baby' with the same kind of excessive fervour reserved for stationary-philes on the first day back at school.

I remember feeling like i had to have everything all ready for the first day... success depended on it... but realistically, I didn't even need that calculator till the next year, I wasn't going to really use all of those pencils... and how many pens does a person need anyway.

On top of this is the convenience of knowing that there will always be a tomorrow and what I didn't have, I could usually do without and what I needed I could always get.

I suppose some people might feel like they need the whole circus before the baby is born, but really, how much do you think that little blob is going to use in the first couple of months anyway? Why spend all that time and money collecting things that you might not need at the end of the day anyway.

It seem silly to me. Can't you wait?

Perhaps its part of the newness of it all... perhaps its a reassuring 'feeling prepared'... maybe you're never really prepared for everything. And perhaps at the end of the day, some people might compensate for their age and lack of experience with 'things'.

I don't know. Its just a really recent thing that has come to my attention... and now its come to yours.
1 Comments
Mood: tenacious