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tron i may know the word... - Subscribe
Today I read an old letter from a lot of years ago, just for me from someone who used to be very important to me. I can't throw it away just like I can't throw the old pictures away. Not yet. Maybe because there is something that I need to remember that's hidden in them.

There is an uncompromising beauty in the letter. There is a hard, undeniable truth unveiled and expressed with care and warmth. I miss that. This is truly something that I have given up in favour of other things. Something that I thought I could live without, but now I wonder.

I realised something about myself tonight. Something that I had forgotten. Something about who I am and what I really value in a relationship. Some kind of honesty and integrity and intelligence that goes beyond daily living. Somehow before things were more about the ephemeral beauty of sharing life together. Maybe that's why I was so angry before. Knowing that I had lost my chance to share that with anyone, because he had been so beautifully moulded to my needs.

But can you ever truly mould someone to your needs and is it ridiculous to expect everything to be on the table. As I grow older I realise that there is more to be appreciated in the adult world in the things that go unspoken. The bonds that are shared in a single hand held moment. The love exchanged in a brief moment.

But.

There is always a but. Is there anyone out there who would truly love to be in a space of complete openness with someone? Is there anyone out there that begs to be explored like that... who wants that physical, mental undying connection... who desires above all else the truth and the openness and the articulation of love, passion and expression??

Or was that one moment of love's enlightenment, shut off now to me forever...

Or am I just blind to the feeling because I'm so incapable with my own feelings now.?


Song for the moment:

Natalie Merchant: I may know the wold from "Tigerlily"

I may know the word
But not say it
I may know the truth
But not face it
I may hear a sound
A whisper sacred and profound
But turn my head
Indifferent

I may know the word
But not say it
I may love the fruit
But not taste it
I may know the way
To comfort and to soothe
A worried face
But fold my hands
Indifferent

If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be paying for deliverance
From the night into day

But it's all grey here
It's all grey to me

I may know the word
But not say it
This may be the time
But i might waste it
This may be the hour
Something move me
Someone prove me wrong
Before the night comes
With indifference

If i'm on my knees
I'm begging now
If i'm on my knees
Groping in the dark
I'd be praying for deliverance
From the night into the day

But it's all grey here
But it's all grey to me

I recognize the walls inside me
I recognize them all
I've paced between them
Chasing demons down
Until they fall
In fitful sleep
Enough to keep their strength
Enough to crawl
Into my head
With tangled threads
They riddle me to solve

Again and again and again


fuck what I would not give for a cigarette right now... for something to still myself... to make this fade... to slow and pacify within myself.
0 Comments
Mood: stormy

tron a place for everything... and everything in its place. Jan 31st, 2008 11:29:35 am - Subscribe
it becomes more and more apparent to me that I'm not the person that I once was. A hard thing to reconcile in a town where you've been busy growing up, where the shadows of years or months ago follow you around.

So much has happened in the last 12 months. And although I am happy about the new found stability, I do think that there are things about my new life which leave a hole in myself. Such is the nature of compromise. I hope that more than anything else I am able to remember the yearning that exists within myself and never forget to be tolerant.

Life becomes more and more about control. Control of self, control of life, control of everything else. Life becomes more and more about stability and mental asceticism. Learning to control things, and release them at exquisite moments of truth, learning the true value of things through their denial, and squashing my square shaped self into the circle of normal. Taking off the edges. Without medication, without fear, without anything.

The freedom of not being needed, of not needing anything... is indescribable. It is simultaneously terrifying and elating.

The freedom to grow is scary... who will I become, and ill I ever stop? I'm not sleeping with the past any more. Somehow this abstinence makes life better too. Appreciation for taming the wild beast. I don't feel as though I'm pushing at the edges any more. I feel like I'm nicely contained. Compartmentalised. A place for everything and everything in its place.

Put me in the box. I've got nothing to prove. I know that at the end of the day, I'm not what you think I am. And as long as I remember that I can stand for you to think that I'm whatever you need or want me to be.
1 Comments
Mood: smooth

tron some recent observations Jan 24th, 2008 8:44:00 am - Subscribe
its pretty easy, i think, to approach a 'new baby' with the same kind of excessive fervour reserved for stationary-philes on the first day back at school.

I remember feeling like i had to have everything all ready for the first day... success depended on it... but realistically, I didn't even need that calculator till the next year, I wasn't going to really use all of those pencils... and how many pens does a person need anyway.

On top of this is the convenience of knowing that there will always be a tomorrow and what I didn't have, I could usually do without and what I needed I could always get.

I suppose some people might feel like they need the whole circus before the baby is born, but really, how much do you think that little blob is going to use in the first couple of months anyway? Why spend all that time and money collecting things that you might not need at the end of the day anyway.

It seem silly to me. Can't you wait?

Perhaps its part of the newness of it all... perhaps its a reassuring 'feeling prepared'... maybe you're never really prepared for everything. And perhaps at the end of the day, some people might compensate for their age and lack of experience with 'things'.

I don't know. Its just a really recent thing that has come to my attention... and now its come to yours.
1 Comments
Mood: tenacious

tron i want a divorce Jan 18th, 2008 2:26:15 pm - Subscribe
... from my family.

I realised tonight, that despite numerous second chances and plenty of patience from me, there's not a whole lot in my 24 years that can redeem most of my family.

And the family members I do value, I've been really neglectful of.

I feel like total arse.
2 Comments
Mood: regretful

tron arsehole 1010 Jan 17th, 2008 12:57:06 pm - Subscribe
I'm starting to really get the idea that I'm pushing proverbial shit up a very large proverbial hill. And while I'm trying not to get my bitch on, repeated bullshit like this will result in conflict... mark my words.

While I'm trying not to play the bitter bitch, and somehow see through all this to some kind of goodness in you, rather than just seeing the same transparent plays I used to get from her. The irony could be your favourite food... so fucking delicious... you're never going to be you are you? You're just going to be some twisted mirror of the latest fuck you've managed to charm with your strange combination of intelligence and clueless...

Well I'm not going to be treated like last weeks cum rag. Not by you. So either man up and fucking deal with shit the way it is, accept the olive branch, stop being a drama queen and make something real of what is here in front of you, or slink away with your apologies and publicly fucking make a statement that you're the fucking arsehole you look like being right now.
0 Comments
Mood: mad
something in the real to share: 'better version of me' fiona apple

tron shaddows. Jan 7th, 2008 12:08:32 am - Subscribe
i wonder if its possible that through the miracle of the internet and some kind of freaky fucking fluctuation in space and time, our younger selves are here blogging along side us. I know i read them sometimes... and its not nearly as disturbing as you think.

I think when something stops making you feel uncomfortable then you know you've gotten past it permanently.
1 Comments
Mood: sketchy

tron untangling Jan 5th, 2008 12:14:26 pm - Subscribe
Hey blog world. This is a random rantage... so use your seatbelt... and remember that if its not on, its not on.

I'm floundering again. Rising out of the mire with my grand life plan, scrawled out on a piece of paper thats been made to look old with coffee and burnt around the edges for effect. Relics are priceless... only its not real. its not a relic. Its a fake.

And I'm losing confidence. What is buried at the X? What the hell is that spot marking? Is it really a treasure? Domestic bliss my arsehole. I've got a revelation for you blog world, I am NOT a domestic goddess. There I said it. I'm more sylvia plath than martha stewart.

I found an old picture of me today... 15 kg lighter. Somehow, I feel like I was better off before. Sometimes I want to just sit down with her and have her hear me... You've got a man who saw me go through an eating disorder and said nothing. Who watched as I fell apart and instead of helping pick up the pieces ran away with you. Do you really think that he won't do that again? There's something about seeing into the blackness of other people's souls... you never really shut that door again... and you might know how light he can be... but I remember the black. That never dies.

But that was only sparked by the picture. Actually I looked extraordinary! I looked great. I wasn't mundane. I was free. Now I'm trapped by fat. I'm going to get the hell out of this cage if it kills me!

I spoke with mine about kids a couple of times lately. I waiver between wanting them... soon... and wanting them never. I don't know. Until promises are really made, I'll never feel secure. I don't place enough stock even then to feel 100% safe... never...

Am I writing in riddles? And half formed sentences...

What I'd give to have you back from europe... I wish I'd been single when we met. Not so that we could hook up... god that would have been a mistake, but that I could have spent more time with you and gotten to know you better without fear of retribution and shame... without the stigma of deceit.

I wish that i felt like there was someone out there who was listening to the story and actually cared. As I get older I realise that we're all simultaneous narratives, and very rarely do we actually care what other people around us are saying, its just luck and good fortune when we find someone who's story we actually want to read. Its exceptional luck when they want to listen back... God... I need people who will listen, who will know, who will care... I need a group again. I need stupid sit coms NOT to have lied to me and there to be some kind of real bond between women and men beyond sex... somewhere to be free...

Maybe my older brother is awake...
2 Comments
Mood: withdrawn

tron numbers and monogamy Dec 13th, 2007 12:51:47 pm - Subscribe
I've been thinking a lot about two things. The first is pretty common enough a thought. Its about people. The second, if you humour me, is rather random and its about numbers.

In regards to people it seems as though two people are not meant to spend their whole lives together, and that monogamy goes against the human success story. Hear me out. Most people get to a stage in their lives where familiarity has bread contempt. And this is another matter in unto itself. But in a human life span, who that person is, what they like and especially what they need are fluid concepts. So, its quite possible that the younger you find someone the more likely you are that you will break up. That is unless of course, you grow and change together. This is very unlikely.

If we consider our life span, the things we like change. Are you the same person you were when you didn't like the things you like now? What defines you? And is the biggest killer to a relationship a lack of change. Because if we take this premise and accept that we are morphing all the time into something that we are not now and we accept that any person we think we are going to spend the rest of our lives with will also be morphing at the same time, then how likely is it that we are going to follow the same path?

And in a strictly evolutionary sense, what is the benefit of monogamy? What benefit do males of the species have from staying with one female (or male). Presumably if they can impregnate us then their job is done and they should go off and shag something or someone else. Realistically, women really in a truly hunt and gather sense need protection mostly from other men (and this is quite possibly the success of patriarchy).

I may have lost the plot, so with that admission, lets think about numbers...

Its amazing that we can use one small simple symbol, say a 6 to represent a word. I'm sure that the ancient people who used hieroglyphs had the same sense of pride in their written word. But think about it, Si'ix that's how we say it, we draw out the I and then we have a word, represented by one little un-decodable symbol. Its amazing. I was struck by this while watching utter crap on the television.

Sadly I really want to go to bed, it is late, 11:50pm. My other half still isn't home from work. Don't worry, i'm not as cynical about him. He's older than me by 8 years, and so finding each other is not so close to the beginnings of a life. There is less changing to be had. And we seem to change together... but as for familiarity breeding contempt? I'll get back to you on that one.

Take care all.

Tron
2 Comments
Mood: indescribable

tron upswing Dec 11th, 2007 7:42:50 am - Subscribe
There's nothing like some premenstrual energy to get you going and cleaning your house... that and realising that your melancholy is partly to do with the stale attitudes of someone else and your reaction to them...

and when actions are taken to deal with the problem, then life continues sweetly.
1 Comments
Mood: well

tron necrosis of the mind... Dec 9th, 2007 1:05:18 pm - Subscribe
Today was not a good day... its safe to say that things are either wonderful or horrible if you don't hear from me, not that there are many ears to hear now.

I had no energy. I had no motivation. Today was the kind of day when I felt like the scum between humanity's toes... or rather, that nasty useless shit underneath that manky big toe nail.

One of these days I'll go to sleep and won't wake up... because I live the fuking fairy tale... and I'm still not happy.
4 Comments
Mood: shattered

tron the bee hive Dec 4th, 2007 12:02:07 pm - Subscribe
I tired to sit down and do some maths work today but stupidly had listened to eagles of death metal and found my brain buzzing with potential thoughts. I could not silence the whirr.

The music and the excitement and the imagination set off a chain of events that noone could stop. And I started to wonder again.

I was uncomfortable, at first, with what had been a rather plesant experience in the past… and wondered if this were the start of another upswing, but then images and metaphors and just plain imaginings started building and I found it a far better thing to dream and wonder than to risk dwelling in the hum drum world of reality for too long.

I started to wonder if you could teach a man to dance by shooting at his feet. Perhaps there would be something beautiful emerging there if you indulged and practiced the art for long enough. And this is how I came to wondering about you. Perhaps I wondered about you first and this was the result of those imaginings too. But either way this was the final destination of my thoughts.

Because I started to imagine how you would react to finding me in this rather excited state. I thought of course that you would be absolutely appauled, and that despite my best intentions to keep it a secret from you that you would immeadiately know that I was buzzing along and you would revile from me as you usually do when I am in these moods after a short obligatory period of course, where you try to settle me down.

You are afterall a good man.

And I wondered what things used to be like before we became so married to each other. And in that way I consider us married as in tied. Both unable to escape like two entwining vineries of a pea plant or a bean, which grasps and clings to grow and then ultimately succumbs to a much larger plant.

So I wondered

Would you be inspired by the way that I could talk to you now. Would I be interested in your replies and would it be a good thing for you to get out of your clumsy reality and take a tour of the world without your logic.

I have taken to escaping in movies, and left books for dead. They feel like too much work and I imagine people that don’t read very well would say the same thing… But I have not taken to leaving my musings behind… I’m sure I just momentarily forgot how. This is a return to madness.
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Mood: open, flowing, outreaching, musing, switched on

tron a post a post Nov 25th, 2007 12:23:01 pm - Subscribe
Lately I have been in a slump and I'm wondering about myself and the laziness I've succumbed to.

I've tried to look for the source of this demotivation deciding that I do not enjoy the way I spend time and looking as though I am slowly but surely succumbing to a fat suit, poor health, worse hygiene (ok so its not quite that bad)...

Is there something about me? Is it something I can change. I'm going under. I'm failing but is it a mental health issue or is it laziness. I don't defiantly sit here not doing anything, but if you ask me how I spent my day I'll tell you honestly that I didn't do anything, that is if you're the right person.

I'm ashamed to live like this. I'm disgusted with myself and what I am becoming.

I know that attributional belief and a series of coping mechanisms might get me out of this, when I stop and think I know this...

I've just become limp.

I don't even have my own sense of twistedness anymore. I don't even have the scik way of looking at the world that made me feel like something more than a clone.

I dont' leave the house during the day.

I've gotten weird.

I don't know what to do with myself.

*big fat stupid sigh*

tron
0 Comments
Mood: troubled

tron holidays could not come fast enough Nov 1st, 2007 1:29:02 am - Subscribe
A clean house is good for the soul and when procrastinating a clean house clears the mind too.

Its crunch time for my uni work. I have a lot to do today. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm feeling more positive lately. I'm trying to get my moods upbeat and get my life under control.

I had a couple of days with my other half to adjust, refuel, talk, just reconnect. We made good progress. I'm allowed to dream a little of the things that we have for the future.

I'm hoping that there will be more opportunities to express myself and my individualities over the holidays which are so close I can smell them. My god am I looking forward to holidays.

*sigh*
0 Comments
Mood: bright

tron all aboard the sunken ship Oct 31st, 2007 1:57:19 am - Subscribe
There's a file in my email with a past history of you. There's a file in my mind too. I can't erase you so quickly, but you are determined to go-- driven by me, by my anger and mostly by my disappointment in you.

You claim to have atoned for your sins, but all I asked was decency and honesty. You couldn't give it. Now you run run run as fast as you can, looking down or not at all on those you have left behind.

Well, you have found your clique. Your niche. I never was good enough for you...

It is just such a shame that you couldn't say the words that made you into an honest man, that you couldn't own up to all parties concerned and tell the truth. I suppose it would have validated her too, to know that your love was strong enough to tear me apart.

I try not to think about you, but there is always the threat of running into you- will there be time to cross the street? Will you acknowledge me? What will come of this? Could we start again with a friendship?

Friendship is such an interesting word... friend ship= a ride. Something you embark on. I took ours for granted, and sometimes I'm very sorry. But sometimes I'm not because you took me for granted-- expected that after what you did I'd hang around and watch the outcome... that it would be easy.

I would have liked to be the better person, but the sheer gravity of your betrayal and subsequent lie killed all that we had built together.

And it still hurts.
0 Comments
Mood: impatient

tron today and every other day Oct 29th, 2007 8:06:38 am - Subscribe
Every day I wake up and look for the tell tale signs that this is what I should be doing.

Some days you are the source of all hope, and others you are a dream crushing nightmare.

I wait and see if your affection will be enough to sustain me... afraid of my own needs and desires.

I hold my breath, to see which request will be the next insult, the next unthinkable deed...

Every day I hope that suddenly you will understand and appreciate me, my language, everything on a deeper level... every day you don't...

Every day I stay. Because I won't be that person for no good reason. Because I won't make your life hell for nothing. Because I'm not sure, and for now this will do, because I won't give you up and wake up the next day feeling like the whole thing was a mistake.

I think I hate my life... and I don't think that leaving you will make it any better. So maybe you're not so bad.

Every once in a while, you plant a kiss on my neck and it feels like heaven for a moment. I never expect it, its just given, and I remember.

Every once in a while...

Can I live on these whiles? Why can't I stop thinking about this and live in the moment...

Fuck this all
0 Comments
Mood: dry

tron Dreams and Labels Oct 26th, 2007 9:56:44 am - Subscribe
Houston... we have a label...

(And I'm not telling...)

So they argue against labelling patients because it gives them an umbrella to hide under... and to a certain extent that is true... but for me apart from being an umbrella, they've given it a face. Something to fight against. Relatively reasonable ideas about how long it should take to get things done and some seriously reliable research about what works, and its all there available for my inspection and approval.

The beast has a name.
I know what I'm fighting.

So there's hope right now. There are therapists, appointments, knowing looks and waiting rooms. There are group meetings and individual sessions. There is this online journal and another one hidden in the bottom draw of my bedside table.

There's understanding and there's a future. And there's acceptance, and there's an eagerness to shake it off. There's tiredness. And there's hopelessness and deathly dreaming in their turn.

There's no forgiveness. And there can't be. I've given up hope there. Fuck you. Fuck you hard. You are now the noisiest unhappiest place in my mind. You are now the black. You are now the fucking hatred. You asked for it in no less specific terms.

There is corn and snow peas and strawberries, and a little grey cat, and a big brown and white one, a bird that rules the roost and a long suffering, but not leaving one...

How did I come to be here. there is positivity here. There is happiness in potentia... now all I have to do is be happy... there's no place like home there's no place like home...

***********************


I dreamt a dream thisafternoon.
I was in the crushing hold of sleep
Who wrapped his hand around my consciousness
and squeezed some madness from my imagination.
He tricked me into believing that I was awake
Only to tell me later with a snigger that
I was still asleep
And still asleep
And still asleep
And his captive for as long as he wanted.

Until the phone rang.

Is that how a coma feels?
Is that how it death feels?

Do you see yourself getting things done only to realise that they're gone again in an instant meaningless and nothingness?

Just thoughts.
0 Comments
Mood: emotionless
something in the real to share: I have not been this tired in a long time

tron old stories and universal truths... Oct 21st, 2007 1:59:17 am - Subscribe
What is it that opposite sex relationships crave from each other, and can they ever hope to satisfy the craving?

Why are women conditioned to expect knights in shining armour who at a closer glance prove to be nothing more than tin can foot soldiers?

Why do most men believe they're Arthur or Merlin, and turn out to be Lancelot instead? Why can't they admit that they don't really go for Excalibur, and all the chivalrous things they claim to stand for.

Why did Achilles have to fall in love? And why did men give a shit about Helen of troy. Why do women have affairs? If one man cannot satisfy them, what makes them think any other can?

A man said to me that his wife married the perfect man, because all men are perfect, does that mean that none is better than the other?

I am torn between men. One man haunts my dreams because he thinks he's Arthur and is actually Lancelot and won't admit it and therefore give me the peace i so desperately crave.

the other man is grooming me to be a perfect reproductive unit so that we can play house. There is admittedly part of me that enjoys this... but a darker looming threat that cannot accept my place as receptacle and gestational vessel.

There is a man who once appeared to be the knight, but on closer inspection, he seemed so black... but maybe that is all to do with perception, and I may have been the dragon not the princess to him. When/if i learn to feel perhaps I will be sorry... perhaps I already am...

another man, a man I don't even dare to think about or speak about has become the material of fantasy... one last hope that if I don't get too close, that if I look at him out of the corner of my eye I can believe in knights in shining armour all over again. One last effort to believe in the fairy tale... to allow myself to hope. I hope I never get to close to such and one...

I hope I never find anyone who looks like the perfect partner again. Relationships are hard fucking work... its all about compromise and settling... the very things that draw you to a person will ultimately be the things that push you away...
2 Comments
Mood: misanthropic

tron no title Oct 16th, 2007 11:30:27 pm - Subscribe
I'm still repulsed by myself. I've managed to gain a stone in weight since i stopped the meds, and overall two and a half stone since I quit smoking. I told my partner yesterday that I feel like I'm wearing a fat suit.

The worst part about it is that by floundering like this, stagnating, dying a day at a time... indecisive and unhappy, they've won. Every fucker I've ever been paranoid about has won. Every fucker who's hurt me, including myself, seems to be winning the battle to destroy myself.

I hate my university degree. I hate my life. I despise myself. And I know saying that I hate my life really calls into attention problems I must be having with my interpersonal relationships, but maybe there is a problem there.

Maybe I need to just go stay with friends for a couple of days. I'm feeling low, feeling shit... feeling drained and unhappy. Lying when I can muster the energy. All the time in the back of my head is "whats the friggen point". My partner is sick of bashing his head against a brick wall with me and so he's given up trying to fight with me for uni and he's backing right off.

I've missed a class this morning. I should have stayed at home. I got here with an hour of the two hour tutorial left and couldn't suck it up enough to show my face in the room. I'm paranoid. its crippling.

And you know what the worst thing about all of this is? The worst thing is that this is what people deal with every day. Every fucking day the 'normal' people get themselves to class on time, deal with the people around them, get education, get jobs, manage their weight. I can't seem to give enough of a shit about any of these things to get myself organised.

I know that freedom lies just around the corner for me. All I have to do is finish the semester... but I'm so tired of waiting. I'm so unhappy with everything that I need some breath of fresh air now... but life isn't like that.

I want to get a decent therapist. Someone to talk to once a week. But I've been so fucking screwed over by the MH services that therapy has become a complicated issye about time and travelling and of course, money. I need to see someone. I need structure, help, coffee...

I wish just once someone would make me a coffee that was 'just right' and not too fucking hot to drink. I don't want to scald myself. Maybe I should stipulate that next time. Less whinging. More working.
0 Comments
Mood: repulsed

tron another day another million Oct 9th, 2007 11:25:24 pm - Subscribe
And the jury has returned with their verdict: yesterday sucked.

I'm so disappointed with myself. Its because there's a deep dark cruel part of me which has been unwillingly dredged up lately and I hate seeing it get used.

I'm tired of trying to bury hatchets in other people's heads so I'm going to put them deep deep deep in the ground for now.

There are people that I know that bring out the worst in me. These people know who they are and they know that I'm angry with them.

Anger is such a frustrating emotion for me. I've never been able to veil contempt. Perhaps I've enjoyed letting it out too much. I've become a poisonous viper, and now I'm threatening to bite my own tail.

My head is a mess, and words have been exchanged that can't be taken back. They ring in my ears and bring tears to the back of my eyes, but I refuse to believe that I'm what you, what you both insist I am...

There's a deep discontent in me. A deep irreconcilable void between the people that I love dearly and those that I can't love, who stand with those I'm ambivalent to. I'm so full of rage. I'm so full of rage.

I'm not making sense.





Medowie is the same as it was before, but the talk we had about not being so aggressive when talking to me seems to have stuck and despite yesterday's isolation, things have been resolved.

How can one person make me feel like I'm even getting better when the other one makes me feel like a monster? Maybe I am a monster, and if I am what does it matter?

Slowly the blocks fall into place
then spin away again
because you're re writing history
and I'm not allowed to take
my red pen to your sanctimonious new tale.

Slowly the blocks are whizzing closer
and closer to my face
as you redefine the chase
and tell me how I felt and made you feel
and how your version is the real deal,
but mine, mine is a forgery.

Slowly the blocks are making contact
and they sting
and they burn with cold fire
and they hurt deep inside where only memories should live.

Slowly the information falls into place
that you and I have been hurling the blocks...
1 Comments
Mood: grouchy

tron I need to breathe. Oct 9th, 2007 5:39:15 am - Subscribe
Been back one day and the negative spiral starts again. At the smallest and slightest chance, he's into me. I feel like he's putting me down, waiting for me to fuck up. I hate living here. I hate this house, I hate the way it makes me feel. And I hate the way he can't see his own selfishness.

Been back one day and i'm crying my eyes out again feeling like noone on the fucking face of the planet gives a shit or can understand.

When we were away, everything was all smiley and rosey. But now we're back and straight away all he's doing is focusing on the things I'm getting wrong. Its like he can't wait for me to fail. He pushes and pushes me. He doesn't attempt to understand what it must be like for me to face yet another mental health team in a different fucking city based on my post code. Based on the post code that he chose and I have to assimilate with. I don't like medowie.

I don't like being dictated to either. Just do this, just do that. Don't do this! You're not allowed to do that.

I can be humble. I can eat all the fucking humble pie you want, but not unless your voice is soft and your looks are kind. I'm just too tired of that hard look in your eyes and if you don't get rid of it, we've got big fucking problems. I want the us that we had when we were away back. I want the couple that went for walks together. Not the arsehole that yells at me for checking emails.

I can't live with someone who's always looking for me to fail. Who takes that negative tone with me when he feels like it. Perhaps we both need a little space from each other, so I'm going to organise to go away for a little bit. To get out of your hair and away from all the pressure.

You're choking me.
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Mood: sad
something in the real to share: I wish I were back on the south coast far away from all this.