revelation's Blog

March 20th revisted.
Date: Mar 20th, 2007 11:12:12 pm - Subscribe
Mood: uneasy
A Radical Dreamers journey through despair: and life sucks.

We are back again. A year since I posted my most important blog ever. And as stated before, we are back for the 9th year. This year was different than the last. I had a lot of changes in this year. So without further adieu, lets get this started. P.S. This blog will have lyrics mainly from Staind and Shinedown, some various other artists may appear.

"Your eyes tell the story of your pain. Severity of your disdain. In a world that doesn't care." - Staind "Reply"

This year I learned alot more people suffer through the hardships of life. How have I been so ignorant not to see that people around me are suffering. They are suffering just the same as me, but in different ways, for different reasons. Was I fool to not see this? Maybe, maybe not. People didn't know I was till I spoke out. So therefore people can not read minds. If you are in a hole, speak out. Someone will listen.

"Someone save me if you will and take away all these pills. And please just save me if you can, from the blasphemy in my wasteland." - Shinedown "Save Me"

I learned alot more people in life have or are taking anti-depression pills. Some far greater doses and some that quit taking it all together. Me, I will take mine till they are done. I don't want the end result for me to be a "happy go lucky person". I want them to get me back to me. A person happy with himself. If I can get back there, I will be very ecstatic.

"So where were you? When all this I was going through. You never took the time to ask me just what you could." - Staind "Fade"

I stand at a crossroad of manhood and boyhood. This relates not to my mom and sisters, nor my friends, but more my family. As a boy I held animosity towards my family because I felt they were not there. As a man I have restrained that feeling and I see things clearly. As a boy I would bitch about how you never call to check in on me. But as a man I see both sides. I never made an attempt to reach you, how would you know I needed you to reach me? I do not think me foolish, for I was just a child till now. For when I was a child, I spoke as though I were a child.

"I can't live in the past, and drown myself in memories." - Shinedown "In Memory"

I think what has started to be the thorn in my side, is my memory. I can remember what people say, but now all my memories of him are fading. I try to go back to see him in my mind... but alas its like in the movies where people are faded in pictures and you can't see them. I know he was there, but I can't picture it too well now. I have 2 photos I keep above my computer that reminds me of the trip to Canada. He is in the pictures, and that helps me remember what he looks like. I can remember his arm that wears the watch I do now, but his face is fading.

"How did I get here? And what went wrong? Couldn't handle forgiveness, now I'm far... beyond gone." - Shinedown "Save Me"

I buried the hatchet recently. I didn't want to face forgiveness for feeling as though I were a bad grandchild. But that was a time when I spoke as a child. I went and seen my grandparents from my dads side today. They were shocked to see me. I know this is true. They seem to be doing well. I do believe they took it quite hard, just as much as I. Maybe even harder. I remember one thing my grandpa said that has always stuck with me "Fathers shouldn't have to bury their sons." I agree, but then again thats a tough thing to say. I used to believe this whole-heartedly, but that too, was when I spoke as a child. It's not your decision who buries who. Who am I to wish to trade one for another? Just like me. I miss him alot, but I would not have traded myself for his life. He would not want that. I was young and still have a lot more living to do. Not saying he had done all his, but I know he wouldn't want me to say that.

"How bout a better version of me? The way I look, the way I speak. How bout a better version of me!" - Shinedown "Better Version"

After speaking to my grandpa, I realize there is a lot more shit in my life I have to do before I am even half the man my dad was. He got into a story with me about my dad and why he joined the navy, and how he came to obtain his job in the power plant. And all he wanted me to remember was that "Your dad was sharp. He had a mind of his own. He could entertain himself if given the chance." and he also told me "Your mom said that anytime I needed something done around the house... I tried not to always ask him, but your dad was always trying to get time off to come help." I am not the smartest man in the world. I do think I have a bit of his intellect though. And I wish I was more of a go-to person like he was. My other grandpa felt the same way about my dad. My dad always helped both my grandparents when they asked, and he never complained about it. In fact I think he loved it. I didn't get much time with my dad, but looking back now, I see everything they say is true.

"I feel like there is no need for, conversation. Some questions are better left without a reason." - Shinedown "Burning Bright"

Me and my grandparents don't say much. But it was nice to see them again. Both sets of grandparents took care of me when I was young. I used to play used car salesman with my dad's dad. I would go over there with my matchbox cars and play those with him, and we would bargain and what not. Thats one of my fondest memories of my childhood. The trips out into the woods in the truck, and then to the "haunted farm house". My cousins know about that lol.

"Everything changes if I could, turn back the years." - Staind "Everything Changes"

Yea I don't live with regret, but if I could turn back the time, I would have stayed in more contact with that side of my family. I alienated myself from all my relatives, except my immediate family. I don't know if it was because of my childish fears or the thoughts of them hurting by seeing me. It makes you think that kind of stuff when you grandparents and his brothers and sisters say "He looks alot like Chris". I felt a bit like that was causing them some pain. But now I see, that maybe it was a comfort to them to see me.

"Down in a hole. No self control. Feeling so small. I'd like to fly but my wings have been so denied." - Alice In Chains "Down In A Hole"

Today always puts me in a rut. I only worked a half day today. I had taken some sleeping pills I was prescribed 2 months ago last night. And they were making me feel shitty at work today, plus I wanted to see my grandparents and go see the gravesite.

"Falling is easy. It's getting back up that becomes the problem. If you can't believe you can find your way out, you've become the problem." - Staind "Falling"

Falling into this consistant mudhole is my problem. I know today has put me in a rut that I will get a bit up the hill afterwards and slide back into again eventually. I am close to believing I can get out of it. I'm not giving up on it. It's always darkest just before dawn. If I can survive the night, I can basque in the day.

"Have you ever felt lost inside, so unloved within that you almost died. Have you ever stepped out of the light and realized, theres a stranger inside." - Shinedown "Stranger Inside"

I fit both of those statements. I don't feel like I love myself like I should. Like right now I am drinking some whiskey while I type this. I know thats not good to do, and it's bad for me, but whats wrong with crutching yourself one day a year? I have stepped out of the light and I know there is someone in me I don't like much. Its the extremist. It swung me from being unselfish, to selfish in .002 seconds. I don't like the guy thats living within me. He is a fool. He won't be staying much longer. I think I have remembered who "me" is. But first...

"All my faith is gone. You think I couldn't find it. Pieces falling down shattered, nothing behind it. In my mind alone, lost here I'm separated. Crawl deeper in my hole, safe here from what I hated" - Staind "A Flat" (My All time favorite song possibly)

My religion seems to be coming back a bit. I am going to stop saying "GD" from now on. If I do say it, I will slap myself. I have both a St. Christopher and St. Michael necklace. I do believe in them though I am not devout Catholic. But it is faith in something, and what better than watchful guardians deemed from Jesus himself? I am not going to become a recluse, but I am going to start keeping things to myself a bit more, a bit more protective of my feelings. Because when you put everything out there on a line of fishing wire, the line can break. Thats not to say I'm not going to tell someone when I do slip back into a deep depression, just I am going to stop throwing everything into the wind for people to take a swing at.

"And I'm staring down the barrel of a .45." - Shinedown ".45"

Been there before (figuratively) not going back there again. That place sucks. Thats not me. I am by nature cynical, sarcastic, humorous, anxious, and various other things. Those are not defining of depression. I can be those things again, which is the Justin I was comfortable with and others were in agreement with.

"In some ways, I failed you. But I just ran out of time" - Shinedown "Someday"

I have failed some people with some of things I have said and done, but I don't think I have ran out of time yet. And if there is a time limit, I am sorry if I didn't make the cut. Jessica I am sorry for not being quite as understanding of your situation as I should have been. Again I spoke that day as though I were a child. I should be more mindful of my friends and their problems. I know I was a bit outlandish sometimes. I was there for some, but not there for others. Some were there for me, and others were not. Unfortunately I was not there for the ones that were there for me.

"So I speak to you in riddles. Cause my words get in my way. Smoke the whole thing to my head, and feel it wash away. Cause I can't take anymore of this, I want to come apart" - Staind "Epiphany"

Alot of what comes out of my mouth makes no sense to some people. But know this, its a convoluted message I'm giving you sometimes because I can't find the proper way to express it. I think sometimes I am just going to let it drift to the back of my mind and have that clear it out. I can't take the weird looks people give me sometimes after I say something in that state.

"I dare you to tell me to walk through fire. Grab my soul and call me a liar. I dare you to tell me. I dare you to!" - Shinedown "I Dare You"

I dare someone to say I haven't been through anything in my life. Or to elaborate why I have. Anyone who has been through hardships (which should be damn near everyone) should stand up in this way. No one should ever make you define why you think something is bad. If you have the conviction for it, you shouldn't have to explain it. However if you come off flighty, you obviously don't know.

"You. Understand my pain. From this I gather strength. That we are the same. So thank you for, the letters that you thought you wrote... in vain. And for... the times you chose to stand out in the rain and wait... The life I live would never be the same without...you here" - Staind "Reply"

To say nobody understands what I am going through is both a fact and fiction. No one will ever go through a situation like you do, but at the same time they have been in a situation similar to yours in their own way... we all have. And I want to thank everyone who gave me insight to their hardships. It was well worth knowing how you got out of your rut. I may or may not ever get out of mine, but if I can get back to being who I was before everything started happening... I will be a happy person. Again thank you to everyone.

Peace, love, and the pursuit of happiness...

Justin
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