revelation's Blog

nachos and anti-depressants
Date: Feb 9th, 2007 4:06:23 am - Subscribe
Mood: brilliant
A Radical Dreamers journey through despair: Foo Fighters... DOA

So this one might be a bit more on the light hearted side of things but then again it reminds me of how far I have slipped.

No one here really knows it. But as of Jan 1 I quit drinking alcohol in any form. I wasn't per se an alcoholic but I could drink people of much larger size than me under the table. Plus I am prescribed on the worlds shittiest anti-depressant (Lexapro 10mg). It doesn't do shit to be honest. And drinking + anti-depressants doesn't do anyone any good.

So I made the first huge grown-up decision of my life. I gave up the bottle. Life has been a violent struggle since then. Alcohol was a safe guard for me. It kept me from truly hurting inside. I have my bad times at night. Not during the day because during the work i'm busy, busy, busy at work. And I enjoy my job so I know its not the problem. Facing depression without any crutches is scary. Suicidal thoughts come through more often but the depression hits such a low that I am unwilling to do any harm to myself.

Thats the only times in my life I am glad I have lost motivation. Also I decided to be more open with my problems. Few have been there for me, though many say they are. Everyone has their own little ways of helping. You have the people who let you talk freely and just listen. Then you have the people who talk and you just listen. Then you have the people who are just distractors, they give you an opportunity to forget about it. Then you have the people who say they want to help but don't know how. Then you have those who don't try at all.

Alcohol did not trigger depression it only enhanced it. Which is why I needed to get away from it. I don't think I'll go back to it any time soon. I don't need it anymore. I don't need a crutch. If I'm going to learn to cope with depression, I need to do it without the aid of a crutch.

My oldest sister is a distractor. I love her for that. I can count on her always having perfect timing to invite me to go somewhere. In general she always calls me to go do something right when I'm hitting a low. My mind is a flurry at times. I don't keep on track of one thing for too long unless I REALLLLY focus. Which can be dangerous when writing a blog. The good thing is my randomness is complete and utter nonsense or incredibly humorous. Its one or the other. No gray area.

Either you laugh at what I say or give me the "shut the fuck up" eye. Well the other night at a tavern my sister invited me to (i had been having a shitty day, and she didn't know it), I decided to order nachos. Well to my wonderment the nachos had jalapenos which I clearly said I did not want. But I'm not fussy I settle for the nachos with jalapenos on them. Next thing I know I find a huge ass piece of tomato in the nachos.

So what do i do? eat it? no. Instead I place it on a side dish. To which a person asks, "Whats wrong with that tomato?"

"Nothing except the fact it is too big to be a dressing for a nacho!" theres a few laughs there.

Then a piece of chip falls to the table and since the table is slightly dirty...it too gets moved over to the side dish. And another friend says "Whats wrong with that chip? is it too small? hell its smaller than the tomato!"

I give no verbal response. Instead I do the unimaginable. I stick the chip into the tomato so it looks like the tortilla chip has speared a huge tomato slice. -instant laughs-.

Next comes the real jokes. "Holy Shit Christ, the chip has pentrated the tomato!!!" My next immediate move can only be attempted to be described. I smeared sour cream all over the top of the tomato. To which I let everyone at the table know... "The tortilla chip just sour creamed all over the tomato!" Yes that caused multiple laughs.

I don't know why I shared that. I just enjoy sharing the times that remind me why I am alive. Times where I can make people laugh. Times when I can be myself. Times when I am in the company of people who do care about me somewhat. Times where I feel alone and somehow manage to remember that I am not alone. Thats all for now
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