revelation's Blog

Number 1 - enjoy
Date: Sep 29th, 2006 5:14:11 pm - Subscribe
Mood: destroyed


Wow I start off with my most thought through blog ever:
This blog here is not for me. Its for everyone who suffers the same pain as I have. This is a very personal blog, thats going to be really hard for me to type, as it is a very personal subject. Something I usually don't talk about, but I figured I would do this just to get it off my chest. There will be song quotes in it, and probably alot because as some of you know, I find myself in music all the time. I feel it speaks to me in a very different way than some. Ok here goes:

"Like my fathers come to pass, 7 years has gone so fast. Wake me up when September ends..." - Green Day

Ok more like 8 and while we are at it, lets change that month to March. As some know, and some don't my dad 8 years ago when I was 12. It's something I would never wish upon any other person to be that young, and have to bury your father. It's something that doesn't go away, no matter how hard you try to move on. Most people remember where and what they were doing when things like Pearl Harbor happened. I remember March 20th the exact same way, I don't remember exact times but I remember that day like its today.

"Hold my breath as I wish for death. Please god wake me!" - Metallica

I got home from school that day, and I wanted to go over my best friend Ryan's house that day. My dad told me I couldn't go over there, and I was a little mad about that. Just like any other kid that wanted to visit a friend and was told no. My mom had taken danielle to physical therapy that day for her knee. Me and Nikki were home with him. I
went out to ride my bike and when I got back, I had to put my bike up. When I opened the gate to the fence, my dog ran out. This scared me so I ran inside to ask my dad for help. When he finally got my dog, he gave it a justified spanking for it running off. The whole time I watched this (keep in mind I'm only 12 and I'm watching my dog get a whipped... A dog I loved so very much). I quietly said "God please make him stop". Later on I got on the internet, and Nikki heard a strange noise from down the hall. She ran back there to see what it was. It was my Dad lying against the bed holding his arm up to it, and he was making a wierd weezing noise.

"I can see it in your eyes. A look as if your hero fell and lost his soul." - Cold

Nikki immediately called 911 for what appeared to be a heart attack/stroke. The operator had her lay him onto his side, where he began vomiting. Standard procedure for anyone vomiting... you don't let them lay on there back, it causes a choking hazard. The operator had my sister attempt CPR and attempt to keep the throat clear of anything that might obstruct breathing. I couldn't do anything but stand and watch. The eyes are a strong give away as to whats going on. Normally you can see a feeling of warmth in a person's eyes that are still alive, but my dad's were different. These eyes looked vacant and cold, like a house with no occupants. The ambulance arrives sometime around forever and a little more. By now my mom and danielle are home and we are upset, I mean come on, your watching a very close person suffer. Shortly after the ambulance gets there, neighbors and family members are already at my house. They put my dad into the ambulance and drive off, and one of my neighbors drove me, my sisters, and mom to the hospital.

"Your dead as dead can be, the doctor tells me. But I just can't believe him. Never the optimistic one." - A Perfect Circle

We wait patiently as hospital workers do what they can. Finally the doctor comes in. He is acting all calm and casual like everything went okay. He questions my family as to how his day was and was he under any stress. Sounds like a heart attack to me, and everything is fine. Then after storytime the doctor drops the A-Bomb mushroom cloud
on us. "We did all we could, but we could not save him" he says. Fucking prick lured us into a state of calmness just flare us all up again. I didn't immediately cry, because when shit like this happens, you immediately go into a state of disbelief until the words play on loop in your mind and it all starts trying to force its way into settling into your mind. Nikki disappeared, she took off out the hospital. Then it all sinks in and you lose it. I called Ryan to let him know what was going on. People are trying to calm you and tell you, "It's going to be okay." "God has a plan for this, theres a reason" Fuck off. There's no plan or underlying meaning for this. He just took the most important man out of my life.

"I can't hold on. I'm trying to breath. I wanna let go, so I can feel again." - Revelation Theory

We get back to our house and everyone I know is there. I have friends there waiting for us. It's not a great event. Everyone's there trying to keep your mind off some of the most fucked up shit no one should ever have to bear witness to. I spent the night in Chapin with my uncle that night.

"Only in dreams, we see what it means." - Weezer

Somehow I managed to sleep that night and woke up the next morning. Feeling like somehow I had been asleep for an eternity and that yesterday's event had all been a dream. Nothing seemed real at that moment. Like everything was some giant farce or sick joke that didn't have a punchline. Only punch was the one to my gut when I realized it wasn't a dream.

"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though there here to stay. Oh I believe in yesterday." - Beatles / Paul McCartney

Today was the day of the funeral home. Someone said something to really brought yesterday's events home. "A father should never have to bury his son." and I was thinking the reverse was true for that as well. "A child should not have to bury his father." The funeral home hurt so bad, before everyone else got there, we got to see the open coffin. Thats the worst part. To know you are staring at something that isn't going to hug you back or tell you "It's going to be alright". The final open coffin at the end of night was probably the hardest thing. My dad was not there I kept telling myself. Thats not him, because my dad is not dead. You can't immediately accept the fact that someone isn't coming home from work at 5p.m. tomorrow or going to sit in his favorite chair while watching the news.

"Tell me everything will be alright. Tell me Jimmy I won't feel a thing... Give me novacaine" - Green Day

The next day was the funeral. The church was packed that we held it in. Later we heard it was one of the biggest they ever had. People I had never seen were telling me "Your father was a great man" and I just kept thinking, "IS" present tense, my father is not a past tense item. The ride to the cemetary was really rough.

"And all your money won't another minute buy. Dust in the wind, All we are is Dust in the wind." - Kansas

The front row seat to the grand show. The end of the road. It's hard not to cry, but I find I tried very hard to keep from losing it. You want to hear what the preacher is going to say so bad, So Fucking bad. This is the words that you want to hear because they feel so valuable. And then they give your mom the veteran American Flag. Thats
when its game over. To see a guy standing there delivering this flag and carrying on such a strong look of stoicism for a duty that is sometimes forgotten. These guys are true heroes. They serve the country and remember the fallen. I may dislike our government but those people who protect it are the most admirable people in the world. Finally the ceremony is over and they must put the coffin into the ground. MY aunt tries to shield me from seeing "You don't want to remember him like that." Like Hell I don't, this is the last time I will see the body of the man who created me. Why can't I scar myself a little more and see him be put to rest?

"So cut my wrist and black my eyes. So I can fall asleep tonight...or die." - Hawthorne Heights

I would never kill myself or inflict that type of harm. But you gotta understand, when you have a pain that is neither physical nor emotional, infact I don't even know what to label the type of pain I felt. You have a lot of thoughts rush to you about how you can end the pain. Suicide crosses your mind frequently during the first few weeks. You brush that aside because no one likes a quitter and your cheating because your taking away YOUR pain and not trying to suffer through it like everyone else around you. The real pain is hearing others cry about the loss that was suffered.

"How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye. And now I'm glad I didn't know, The way it all would end the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain. But I'd of had to miss the dance." - Garth Brooks

Its true. The lyrics say it all. You try to cherish all the times you had with that person. And looking back on it. You could have shaded away from all of it if you knew how the story would end. But would you? HEL FUCKING NO!!! You would do it all over again. Anyone that says other wise is a liar and I'll call you on it. Why not go through the
greatest thing you would ever feel, we already know the ending of it. Don't take it for granted is what I say. Everyday you spend with a person, is the best day possible with them.

"So where were you, when all this I was going through. You never took the time to ask me just what you could do." - Staind

Yea so people say "We will always be there for you" "We will call you to make sure your ok". Fuck off. You say that but you don't follow through. Your there for like 2 weeks, then you think everything is ok and forget to check up on that person after that. Theres shit in your life you want to talk about, but you can't talk about it to your
immediate family members. How do you discuss something to someone who just went through the same shit with you? You can't because they feel the same way you do, so your really just repeating what they are feeling. And what you really want is to tell someone who doesn't feel what you are, how you are feeling.

"Where'd you go? I miss you so. Please come back home." - Fort Minor / Mike Shinoda

You ask yourself this question constantly. Home is not where that person is now. Home is the house you grew up with them in. The place where they came after work. The place where the grass gets cut. THe place where theres a home cooked meal waiting. That's home. Home is where your people are.

"Here I stand now and I'm alone. With no one to comfort me. One set of footprints in the sand. No one to take my hand. I'll. I'll walk through as long as I need. I'll drift through my life though I'm alone." - Mudvayne

To have people around to give you company, yet feel so alone in how you are hurting...Is probably the worst pain. To know something has passed your point of controlling it, makes you feel weak and powerless. You feel alone most of the time and theres nothing you can do to change it. You just don't wake up one morning and be like "Wow all the loneliness is gone!" 8 years have passed and still theres a gaping hole of loneliness that hasn't repaired itself.

"What have I become? My sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end. And you could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down. I will make you hurt." - Nine Inch Nails

It's true however that one morning you do wake up and wonder how the fuck the person is getting in and out of the shower every day, and going to work is. You find yourself finding peace when drinking or smoking. You get drunk and find that you can be happy again. You do what you can to try and feel a hope that you might one day sort all the shit out and find that you don't have to laugh at the joke with a forced smile.

"So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang them on a shelf in good health and good times." - Green Day

Also true. You look around at photos of the trip to Canada, New York, or the beach and remember the fun times you had at those places. You always trace back to the days you had fun only to arrive at the day the Carnival ride ended. And realize you will never go to those places with that person again. Then you look at all the events that
have happened since that person has been gone and it fucking kills you.

"Hey dad look at me. Think back and talk to me. Did I grow up according to plan?" - Simple Plan

Seriously though, you think back about how you played sports in high school. And you remember that there was always one person there, you wanted to show how good you played that day in baseball or football. And you think about Senior night and how for 4 years you played football and your dad never got to sit on the bleachers and cheer you on. And the ultimate comment comes at all aspects of your life, be it graduation from high school / college, senior night in baseball / football, the day you move out and get a real job... "Your father would be so proud of you." And you whince a little on the inside and realize that the pain never went away. You had just learned to cope. And to everyone out there who knows what I mean by "Coping" you probably feel the same way as I do... FUCK COPING. Its along the same lines taking medication. Coping doesn't remove the pain it just makes you forget it.

"And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye? It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry. Come, let me hold you and I will try How can I help you to say goodbye?" - Patty Loveless

You can't. No one can help you say goodbye. Its not like the fucking movies. You don't get a long drawn at last goodbye. Everything happens so damn fast that you don't think to say the last words like "I love you" or "Theres so much I wanted to say" Instead you just get this stupid shock that runs through you and you find for that moment you can't speak. It all comes out as nothing, your mouth moves but nothing pieces together. Then when its over you say.

"All that you want is to criticize, Something for nothing" - Disturbed

You fucking shallow people make me sick. "God daddy is so mean he won't buy me a 2006 Corvette" "My parents suck, they won't let me go to this party this weekend" or "You are so unfair, you're ruining my life. Why won't you just but out!?" Yea you know those people. All you want is to take a big hot branding rod and smash them in the fore-head and be like "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" They don't know and they don't understand. When the pond is shallow fish die, understand that. Life is not always about you. Your parents care for you, they can't just up and buy a brand new car. They won't let you go to that party because they worry about you. They ruin your life because they don't want you to fuck up like they did. UNDERSTAND? good. Because you know what? I'll trade everything I got for one minute of my life to see my dad one last time, to yell at him for not being there to yell at me when I fucked up. You people
have no idea what you got.

"Don't it always seem to go. That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone. They paved paradise and put up a parking lot" - Counting Crows

Trust me some day... you will wake up and have that moment of clarity and it will all make sense. You realize you took all that time for granted and now you can't recover it. You didn't hang out with him because you'd rather be at your friends house, and all he wanted was just a little time to talk to you or just see you for that matter. Probably didn't even have to talk, just sit and be in the same room. Then you realize that you had it made and now your upset because you don't anymore. Trust me, I took everyday that my dad showed up to my little league games for granted, the trips to school, to town to get my haircut, going places with him, and having vacation time... All for
granted every fucking second of that time... for granted. And then you remember you can't start all over now, its too late to start over and not take that time for granted. So before you run off to your room pissed off because daddy won't let you go out with Gangsta G money or some piece of shit asshole, remember that. He cares for you, Your
parents do know whats best. May not have all the answers but they know what they feel and they are right about it.

"Time keeps on slipping slipping slipping, into the future" - Steve Miller Band (I believe if not... I know Seal did the song too)
"And he says I don't call him daddy. but he takes care of things" - Kenny Rogers

Time does not care for you. It continues moving if the world ends, time would continue. Now I don't know much about divorced family life but I will tell you one thing... I don't get 2 weekends a month to see my dad. I get from now till to death till I get to visit him again (maybe). Its true your mom does re-marry hopefully. Lifes too short to spend alone (unless you enjoy being alone). And like the quote says, I have never once called Jack my dad. He knows he is not my dad and I know he is not. Mutual understanding. But he takes care of my mom, and for that it makes him one of my best friends in the whole wide world. He knows he can never replace my dad, but like a friend I know he is there for me. I don't have to worry about my mom now that she has him. Y'know the day she told me jack proposed to her, I immediately asked what did you say? and both my sisters she talked to earlier did not ask that. And when she told me she had this shit eatting grin on her face. She was happy again. And you just don't know that kind of feeling. When you see it... it is genuine. She said after I asked her "I told him I would have to clear it with my children". I told her it was a great idea. IF it makes you happy then I'm happy. I mean when you see a smile from a
woman who has lost her husband for 18 years roughly, had back surgery, and finally received a college degree in Art. You can't help but say that. My grandparents liked him and as did me and my sisters. Great guy. Good ole boys are great people.

"Read between the lines, whats fucked up and everythings alright. Check my Vital signs, I know I'm still alive and I walk alone!" - Green Day

Yea I made it through 8 years so far. Like it says I did not kill myself nor harm myself to get here. My vital signs do show I am alive. Heartbroken, cold, and angry with my maker... sure. Dead? no not yet. I do feel like I walk alone. I don't usually open up like this to anyone. But I feel that it is time I did. I finally went to the grave site for the first time in 6 of those 8 years. Yea I broke down. You talk to the grave like it can hear you, though you know it won't talk back. You keep talking to it, through tears, pain, anguish, heartbreak, snot, and the chill of the March wind. You tell it everything, from how you are doing, how your family is doing, how work is, how your current love life status is... basically you tell a piece of granite everything you've done in 8 years. I don't have an answer to why you confess your sins and life to a piece of rock. Maybe it gives you comfort in your mind. Cemetaries are very unforgiving. You give the tombstone a kiss, your back on your feet, and your finally out of there. You feel somewhat better, but still. You would give up everything to sit and have a drink with your dad and discuss everything with him that you've been through. You see him in your dreams when you do dream and then you wake up hoping to hug him... and then the reality sets in.

"This how the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper" - T.S. Eliot (yea i know... not a song)

Some day I hope to fully accept that he is gone for good. The guy who will not be my best man at my wedding some day. The guy who never got to come to my high school sports. THe guy who never watched me graduate from college and high school. The guy who I would have gone to for advice on everything. I know I don't have these luxuries. And I ask one thing of you reading this. If you still have both your parents, either together or separated. Don't take that for granted. 2 weekends a month is still better than what I get. And I apologize to no one as usual. I don't feel I should apologize for anything I might have offended some one with. If your offended then it must have hit home. Think about it.

"Goodbye for now so long" - POD

Good bye as stated above. And don't put comments on this blog that say "I'm so sorry Justin" or "I hope everything will be okay" or "I feel you man" or "gee I don't know what to say to that". Leave something that means something, and is worthwhile for me to read. I have heard those 4 phrases so much in my life, that you get sick of hearing it.

"It seems like every days the same and I'm left to discover on my own. It seems like everything is gray and theres no color to behold. You say its over and I'm fine again... well... try to stay sober, feels like I'm dying here. I am aware now of how everythings gonna be fine. One day to late I'm in Hell. I am aware now seems everyones gonna be
fine. One day to late just as well" - Seether
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