Today...I killed my conscience.
Date: Feb 8th, 2007 1:05:26 pm - Subscribe
I'm back again. This one you will either like or not like. But I'm ready for this one. As usual lets get some lyrics to express my mood at this time.
"Why does everyone feel like my enemy, Don't want any part of depression or Darkness, I've had enough sick and tired, bring the sun, or I'm gone, Or I'm gone
I'm backing out, I'm no pawn, No mother-fucking slave to this, Never lied Never left Never lived Never loved Never lost Never hurt Never worry about being me, or anyone else Not a care, no concern, don't give a shit about Anything!" - Mudvayne "World So Cold"
That sums up my mood right now. And like the title of this blog says. I killed my conscience and it was definitely first degree murder. I'm a grown man now and its time I started taking on all aspects of it.
Point Number 1: If you have wronged me in the past. I'm going to drop that. The past is just the past. Everyone who has ever hurt me has a clean slate.
Point Number 2: I'm done putting my foot in my mouth to avoid conflict. Fuck that. Why should I care about firing off at you, if you don't care firing off at me. If you can't take the flames I throw back. Either you don't say anything or get out of my way. I don't need you.
Point Number 3: I'm still going to be a nice guy. Yes I am always going to be that even if Point Number 2 is in place. If I throw a fireball at you. Its because I care about you. It's all a matter of how you respond to it that determines if I am a nice person, or if i'm not.
Point Number 4: Life sucks, I know this. But I'm going to be more carefree. I will do the things I want, you can't stop me. If I want to do something... I'm going to do it. People who tell me no... Revert back to point number 2's ending.
Point Number 5: Reverts to Point Number 1. Just because you have a clean slate with me...don't take advantage of it. Remember Point Number 2. If you wrong me now. I'm going let you know. And I'm not going to feel bad when I tell you, you fucked me over. I grew tired of losing friends by pushing them out of my life when I really should have said something.
Point Number 6: I'm not drinking anymore, hopefully forever. Don't try to pressure me. With my concious dying, my self-esteem is going up for a change. Peer pressure has no bearing on me now. If I don't want to do something, I am not doing it.
Point Number 7: I decided I don't want to lay down and die in life. I'm going to make changes, whether you like them or not, I'm doing it. Everyone who knows me good enough knows that my only fear in life is being "a burned out star". I'm going to start making my life what I want it to be. If you can't respect that... forget Point Number 1. Just go ahead and get out of life.
Point Number 8: Yes I do cuss and smoke. I won't quit doing either for anyone. I will quit cussing and smoking whenever I fucking want to. And when I have a desire to do it. I shouldn't have to hide any thing from anyone. Especially stuff that makes me feel burdened.
Point Number 9: I'm going to avoid negativity. If I feel negativity trying to creep its way into my life. I'm going to cut that shit out immediately. I am tired of having negativity out-weigh all the good things I have going for me.
Point Number 10: I'm going to laugh like its going out of style. I'm going to have a good time going out. I'm going to try to live my life to be happy instead of living my life like i'm on a deathbed.
Point Number 11: I'm going to get through the entire time I have to on this medicine. I do believe it is actually a chemical imbalance with a side of too much time alone thinking negatively... revert to Point Number 9 & 10. I remember days where I loved solitude sometimes more than being around people. I had some of the greatest times of my life being alone. For instance this past weekend I drove to Atlanta by myself... and I had the most kick ass time ever. I want those days back. But I also want my time with people to be awesome.
Point Number 12: Speak your mind to me. Do not pussy foot around me afraid I will break. I don't want you to even open your mouth if your going to sugar coat every little fucking thing you have to say. Fucking say it. If not shut up. Like the quote says "Put up or Shut up". I will respect what you have to say no matter what it is as long as you aren't bullshitting me. I will not break. I broke my last time the other day. And I put myself back together flawlessly. There are no cracks on me now.
Point Number 13: Don't fill my head with pretty little disillusions. I can see through them now. Like I told Matt today. I am probably as clear headed as I'll ever be right now. I plan to keep it that way. If I smell bullshit... I'm going to call it. I don't need to bring in thoughts that will lead to negativity. See the Points up above.
Point Number 14: Trust and Pride are my two best friends in a mental aspect. I should never have to swallow my pride nor break my trust. Straight to the point. You break my trust or tell me to swallow my pride and I will let you know. Trust is the easiest to break, hardest to gain. If you get the feeling I don't trust you...odds are I don't. And if you don't ask me you won't know. See the above points. I value my pride just as much. I'm going to stand my ground on my opinions.
Point Number 15: No I don't go to church right at this time. I may go back, may not. Me and God have a disagreement with each other right now. And I get this feeling I will be back to him at some point. I know this, just right now I'm not 100% ready to return under his wing.
Point Number 16: I'm not going to apologize for every little thing I do wrong from here on out. I should not be made to apologize for telling you how I feel. I should not have to apologize for making sure you are ok. That's bullshit and you know it. I will apologize for things I deem necessary.
Point Number 17: Tomorrow is going to be better than the day before from now. Which means everyday is the greatest day of my life. I grew tired of every day being worse than the day before. I deserve to be happy. There its said I deserve to be Fucking HAPPY. If you want to take what I know is rightfully mine away... fuck off.
Point Number 18: No one NEEDS anyone. If your in my life I WANT YOU THERE. If your not in my life... buy a vowel. You gotta give me a reason to want you in my life. People need emotional attachment. Right now I have emotional attachment to people I WANT in my life.
Point Number 19: If I don't come to you discuss the issues in my head... don't be too upset. Either 3 things are true. A) Point Number 18 is in effect or B) I don't know you well enough to open up to you Keep that in mind. I only open up to people I deem necessary, trust-worthy, helpful, and straight to the point with me. or C) I don't want to burden you with it.
Point Number 20 (the finale): Life is what you make of it. I am ready to turn my life into what I want to make of it. I am going to make it everything I want. I'm going do what it takes to keep my sanity, happiness, thoughtfulness, and drive in life. If you don't like the idea of that... you obviously only want to hinder me. So to you I say Fuck Off. If your going to bring me down everytime you see me, i don't WANT you.
So I guess what i'm saying here is this... I am happy right now. Beside a few anxiety attacks recently... I am doing great. I have been going out having fun. I have not mindfucked myself lately. I quit self-diagnosing myself which is awesome. I don't force thoughts into my head. I know I can't be happy every day of the rest of my life. But by God I will make the %age very much in my favor for happiness being at least 90% of my life.
But don't take me wrong. I'm still going to be Justin but its time for Justin to act like Justin should. So as I said, today I killed my conscience. If I hurt you when I speak I probably care about you. You will know the difference. My friends do it to me and I understand they care about me. So now its time for me to stop sugar coating things for you, so I can help you with your problems. No more of me responding with "I don't know" because that is my crutch out of shit when it comes coversation time. Thats all for now.
As usual the disclaimer is coming out. If I have offended you I don't fucking care. Because if you are offended then it home. I don't care you read this and get angry. I don't care if you cry. I only care that you read it and it did something to you. But thats all for now.
Peace Up, A-town down.
J to the U-I-C-E. holla!
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