Today's topic of discussion... Stalkers.
Date: Feb 8th, 2007 1:06:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: funky
Hello today ladies and gentleman. Today I want to discuss something very important with you. Stalkers. The many types of stalkers and how to spot out a potential stalker. Most people have a difficult time spotting a stalker and thats where this survival class will come in handy. In Lesson 1 we will identify the types of stalkers you will encounter.
Stalker Class 1: Pocket Stalker
This class can be one of the most difficult to spot. This stalker here is someone you know. You probably know them very well. You know them backwards and forwards, thus you cannot see their stalker tendencies. These can be the most dangerous. When you are out at a club, they typically stand very close to you or "In your pocket". They will probably try to smell your hair at some point in the night. And they will shoot evil looks at any one of the opposite sex that comes up to you. This class is prone to strike said opposite sex person in a dark alley when you are not around. They know where you live.
Stalker Class 2: Sniper Stalker
Also known as the SS. This stalker is not as dangerous as it sounds. This class is the person you meet when you go on vacation... For some reason you give them your real phone number. Next thing you know, you are getting phone calls at weird times of the day. Sometimes when you answer all you hear is Darth Vader breathing on the other end. This one has no real tricks other than attempting to run your phone bill up. Most likely they will never show up at your house.
Stalker Class 3: Reverse Stalker
This class is evil as hell. They play on your mentality. The reverse stalker is a good deceiver. When you discuss stalkers with them, they are quick to deny any stalker type tendencies. They will play reverse psychology on you. To make you quickly drop the idea that they are stalkers. If you think you are in a relationship with them, you will never know that they are a stalker till its too late. Thats where your friends are important. They can call it out fast. If you hear a friend say "Reverse Stalker" run like hell.
Stalker Class 4: Watchman of the House
This is your typical stalker class. You don't necessarily have to worry about this class until you are dating someone... This is the stalker that likes to sit in the bushes or trees near you house for hours on end with a set of binoculars, a can of spam with some ritz crackers, and a pack of smokes. They will sometimes bring a lawn chair and sit in it all day, rain or snow, hot or cold watching you. He always delivers...just like UPS.
Stalker Class 5: The Cleaner
This is the best type of stalker. They will not harm you. They will however leave notes in random places of your house that say disturbing things. Like you come home find your door is jimmy'ed open. You look on your table and you see a note that says something like "I want to eat turnip greens off your ass". Yea you freak out at this point. But then you look around and your entire house is clean! Your laundry is folded and clothes are put away. Sure there is a downside to this one... You will have to buy underwear alot! They do like taking your favorite pairs of underwear especially the unwashed ones.
Stalker Class 6: The Follower
You know this class. This one is the one that always seems to be in the same place as you, turning down the same roads as you, walking behind you, staring constantly at you...all the time. You will be sitting on a park bench and look around. You will more than likely see The Follower reading a newspaper, but oh wait! If you look closely you will see eye holes cut out of that newspaper. You maybe walking down main street. You get the feeling your being followed so you immediately turn around. What do you see? A guy suddenly grabbing his cell phone and looking in random places like he is carrying on a conversation.
Stalker Class 7: The Instant Messenger
This actually is a generalized category which includes AOL IM, MSNM, Yahoo Messenger, Myspace Messenger, and not excluding Myspace in its entire being, yahoo 360, and facebook. These are the weirdos to be honest. They are your dime a dozen stalker. Its tough these days to find a real legitimate stalker because of these fuckers. They are just like all those rock bands out right now that learned how to scream and wail one chord and call it a song. They are fakers. And they are the easiest to spot. They will IM you at random times of the day. Probably use LOL way too much. Say something completely off the wall like "I want to like your toes" and immediately follow it up with "LOL JK HAHAHA". Call them out on that shit. You have to respond with "No your not". If you don't squelch this stalker quick.. you will be forced to put your myspace on privacy mode. And that makes everyone suffer.
Thats the types of stalkers you must be wary of. Shortly I will inform you of the proper way to deal with the stalkers.
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