Date: Jun 26th, 2005 4:44:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: embarasssed

Today is one of those embarassing days where i totally lost all my 'face'...not once but 4 times...

i woke up late for service and rushed there. was 5 min late and was stuck outside the door while Pastor R proceeded to tease me for 5 min flat bout my late-coming..

then i went in for service and worship was starting... i had juz put my bag down n gotten comfy when i heard the worship leader A say she was going to do a song with actions... uh oh* i thought and then i sighed with relief, thinking that we (the comm) had got away with not doing it with her on stage, which was A's initial plan...

"Sister ___ please come up and dance!"
i thot i'd heard wrongly... i'd juz remarked to Pastor CX that we were lucky to have escaped doing the dance on stage and lo behold- my name was being called to go up to do the dance...

argh.. thank God i knew some of the steps but it was a really embarassing time for me...i really dun like dancing, what more on stage... i tried to smile it off but it was so awkward and my actions were reverse from the others coz im a leftie... yup so that was Embarassment No. 1-- sabotaged to dance on stage the moment i stepped into the hall...

After that i sat down and my pastor happily pointed out that a testimony i'd written YEARS ago was published in this weeks' handout... the thing is, it was written some time back (really way back) when i was studying for some exam and those who know me now will wonder bout it coz i've graduated for some time now...haha that's kinda No.2 coz no one informed me b4hand and it's kinda outdated...

No. 3 happened during the sermon...it was more of a group embarrassment but i did have a small panic attack... Pastor R was preaching half-way when he asked all the R prog (a discipleship program) pple to stand up.. i get creeps everytime he asks us to stand coz it's like some exam time where he'll ask any of us to quote any random verse in front of the entire congregation... i finally stood n thank God he didnt call any names but merely asked us to read some stuff...whewww...

No. 4 was bad, but silly come to think of it.. Pastor R said smth like " Ladies, life is NOT all bout getting married and having kids..." i totally agreed so i said a rather unintentional loud AMEN. Pastor CX heard me and she laughed so loudly that Pastor R stopped and asked her what the matter was. Pastor CX pointed to me and said- 'She agrees!'.. i think Pastor R went mad then coz he started a crazy rampage on how i love and am dying to get married and have kids...blah blah blah.. to the point where i seriously wanted to kill him...

so there...sabotaged 4 times today.. and let it stop there... cant' take too many in a day...

Came home feeling unhappy.. thing is, i dunno why im unhappy and actually i was juz thinking b4 that that i was so fortunate to have freedom to go out and all coz we were talking bout some youths with really strict parents...

I really wonder what is it to like a person...no i mean what is it like to love a person... coz i feel smth towards this person but im not sure what it is.. i dunno if it's platonic friendship, romantic love or brotherly love?
It's the kind of thing i cant tell anyone coz telling someone wld open it up as a possible future topic and i really dun want to dwell on it... Dwelling on such things can really get me down so i cant even tell my sis or best frens...
Rationally speaking, it's impossible coz the person (let's call him Y) and i are worlds apart- in age/char/frens/environment...
yet sometimes i feel something and i dunno if the person feels the same ...but i dunno what is that "feeling" im having... so confusing...

Y is 3 years younger than me and is still in sch while im already grad... His family background and what he's been thru are world apart... he's been thru so much- jail/drugs and all and i really admire his courage to turn over a new leaf and be strong for God... I dun mind his background at all but i feel like its really poles apart...

I didnt feel anything till at the Retreat...by the last few days of the camp, somehow he was looking at me in a funny way... i dunno how to describe it. He's usually a heck-care guys' guy but when we were together alone and he'd juz woken from a couch nap, he actually kinda looked tender and soft at me... it really felt weird. Maybe im juz naive and this all means nothing... i mean, he prob cant rem any of this, given his char...

He's usually very shy bout singing in front of others but he sang aloud one day when we were alone and i was quite surprised. Don't want to jump to conclusions that he likes me or anythg but i guess he's more comfy one-to-one...

Today when i was sabotaged to dance on stage, i saw that he was sitting in front and while i was doing the dance, i could see out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at me... and during the last days of retreat i caught him looking at me quite often, especially when he was talking...

i dunno what this means, but i seriously dun think he likes me, coz im like 3 years older and all and given his past he may feel inferior. Maybe it juz so happened that we feel comfy ard each other and have the potential to be good frens... i dun think he likes me coz the odds are really impossible and he only looks at me when im not looking... when im looking or talking to him he seems heck-care or unattentive, which can really get on my nerves... haha looking back it sounds like im trying to convince myself that he doesnt like me and that i can't like him ;p

well so there... got it off my chest... i hope that no more silly thoughts like these come and that i wun think bout him any more... i dun want to have silly high hopes or focus on the wrong thing... Getting a job and serving God are the main things i shd focus on now...
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Date: Jun 24th, 2005 1:59:19 pm - Subscribe
Mood: edgy

i realised i haven blogged for so long.. so many things have happened...

initially i was busy with doing admin for the church retreat so i didnt have time to blog, or was too tired to actually... was literally in church from morn to ard 10 plus each night, mon to sun..haha come to think of it, i cant imagine how i did that...;p

so i lost my 'blogging' momentum, if there was such a thing... then the church retreat came... it came and went in such a flurry, im still a haze when thinking bout it. All i know was that it was a crazy 5 days, and i ran ard doing stuff til 3 am each day, i was so mentally 'off' i cldn even sit down w/o sleeping.. so i didnt journal each day's events, much to my regret...

let me try to reminiscense...

we went as advanced party, i rem waking up so early, 6.30am to be at the meeting point to take the 8am coach. my pastor was so sweet, she came to pick me up in a cab coz it was on the way... i'd intended to take a bus on my own... the coach was real comfy and i was glad i grabbed a solo seat, coz it'd kill me to keep thinking of things to say if i'd sat with someone... mainly it'd be awkard coz im not close to them and im more of a thinker than a talker..

lots of silly things on the bus- J singing..but he was so shy i cld barely hear him..haha it was a kill to hear him sing loudly in a van later when we went to buy food ;p
Jo is really creative and he really prepared hard for the camp! this poor bloke only slept 2 hrs the nite b4... i told him i like his 'never-say-die' attitude and its true.. he juz gives and gives...

L's really observant and its kinda scary too.. i was being my usual quiet-ard-pple-im-not-close-to self and he suddenly asked aloud-'Why are u so quiet?' really took me aback.. i juz smiled at a loss..

the only time i had time for a swim was during the night of our advanced arrival.. swam with S.. it was quite fun, i realised my personality may have been becoming like hers- a mel chlor... i became so much more indecisive, emotionless, cold and less of a thinker and analyser...

honestly i wish i cld go on recalling each day's events but i feel myself zonking out and my 'new' personality (brought out by work stress) doesnt actually make it easy to actually think and organise my thots now.. which used to be a natural occurance for me..hope i dun freak out at my new self...i feel so superficial yet never so confident before.. this really sounds like a choleric...
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A quiz
Date: May 17th, 2005 1:47:34 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hmmmm

You are a Mermaid, who sits on a rock in
the sea, looking and watching all humanity with
curiosity in your eyes. You have a two-sided
personality! On one hand, you revel in your
freedom and often prefer to live in your own
private dreams.

On the other hand, humanity
intrigues you and you love watching on. You are
actually very kind at heart, hating to see
people hurt and despise injustice! You probably
have one or two special friends, who mean the
world to you!

Also; you are probably quite
political, wanting to see justice done in the

You are quite the dreamer, needing
freedom and personal space to dream your little
dreams. You love to escape into a book or some
good music and just drift away.

Some of your
good points are that you are sensitive,
compassionate and a freethinker. Your bad
points are that you may come across as cool and
aloof to others and probably have a tendency to

You are the ultimate dreamer with
a kind, but troubled heart!

Are you a Princess, Enchantress, Faerie, Mermaid or Toad? (with pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla

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im back!!
Date: May 17th, 2005 1:08:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: exuberant

hehe im back! after a rather long period of MIA, here i am!! am feeling rather happy now.. its presently 2am local time n i've juz been on the phone with my best fren K. It's juz one of those weeks where everythg is wonderful.. haha well sch's over so technically its hols except im gonna grad happy.gif
haven written my resume, am supposed to get it done eons ago...

lemme see... what have i been doing the past week?
-watching tv (a lot....)
-going out with frens i haven met up in ages
-swimming and practising backstroke
-eating n grocery-shopping (a form of shopping i can readily engage in!)
-surfing the net, reading blogs, yahoo auctions, playing RPG
-church stuff like choir n admin

yup that's bout it... if i dun record it down, time is gonna fly pass me like nothing n i wun be able to realise what i've been doing!
but this has really been a relatively blissful happy time of my life.. no hmwk, lessons,tests etc... juz lazing at home or spending much missed time with my frens happy.gif
this almost seems surreal, in contrast to my future of endless slogging in an office with office politics ..oh well till den, im happppyyy
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Date: May 8th, 2005 2:14:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: suppressed

So many ironies...

i dunno if im stressed/troubled/depressed whatever coz i had another unpleasant dream bout taking exams! The irony is, my exams ended 5 days ago! I dreamt last night that on my exam day i went out shopping with my sis and almost forgot the time. When i got there i didnt know it was open-book and took such a long time to do the qns...halfway thru my pencil case spilled open and on picking up all my stuff, i met a fren and ate with them as i was still doing the paper! weird right? the first thing that stuck me when i awoke was- why in the world am i still dreaming bout failing/missing exams when they're over for gd n im gonna grad?? really dun get it...

Went to church today as usual n the sermon was on anger management. The irony was, i was so 'lucky' as to see 2 of my youth pastors get mad within the same 2 days, yesterday n today. Both of them only got mad in my presence and at me, so no one else saw or knew... it's a long story n i guess it was a misunderstaning but sometimes i wish ... i dunno i juz wish i'd stop seeing contradictions n hypocrisy in church. No one's perfect but it saddens me to see pple in church blow up n be mean to each other. it's not juz some isolated event but there seems to be a real lack of love in my youth church. i thot i was the onlky one who felt this way but my church pal J said the same thing... honestly i sometimes wonder why im a Christian, since the Christians i see act the same or even worse than non-believers. n i frankly prefer hanging out with my non-christian frens rather than those in church. maybe we're too complacent and tend to take things for granted, so we forget to care and look out for others, we juz say and do whatever we feel like doing... im too tired to even get mad or judge them. i juz wish smth wld happen... maybe their level of meanness is nothing at all n i shd get used to it. i dunno how to not be mean n still accept meanness.. maybe im too sensitive...maybes.....

sigh, sometimes i think too much. still a little sore over my pastor's anger juz now. it wasnt an eruption, juz a seething sort of barking tone. if i didnt keep my temper in check it might have erupted into ugly stuff. the thing bout me is i dunno how to express my displeasure to my pastors coz they're pastors so i either suppress it or flare out at my family- the last pple who deserve it.. argh.. so many mixed emotions in me now...sad/pissed/confused/frustrated/guilty..

n frens cant always be there so if not for this blog i think i'd have died of suppression...
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mad me
Date: May 4th, 2005 11:01:28 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pissed

Im mad at my sis. We hardly quarrel but she shouted at me this morning when i wanted to borrow a top from her. n why? coz i didnt talk to her during my exam period.

wow... so im supposed to be studying her instead of my books during my exams?? n i dun exactly enjoy talking to her, if it can be counted as talking... when i talk, she doesnt respond n i feel like im talking to a piece of wood. When she talks, no one is allowed to interrupt and she has gone on w/o stopping for more than 2 hrs. How can i find the time to listen to her during my exams? so now she thinks she's being used by me coz i only talk to her when i need her. Yeah right, more like she needed to talk (she's an extrovert) n got mad coz she didnt get what she wanted during my exams.

dunno whats wrong this days... i hardly have conflicts with my family but within the exam period n now, i've quarelled with my mum (or at least had cold wars) like several times n now with my sis...

argh... called my fren to complain n she was so mature bout it. reallly glad to have a fren like her. all the things she said made sense...i'll be seeing her later for some long-awaited shopping (window-shopping ;p) so yay!
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confused dreams
Date: May 3rd, 2005 10:27:05 pm - Subscribe
Mood: confuzzled

My exams are finally over! whew...technically there're the last i'll ever take, unless i do some post-grad studies in future... yippee!
i didnt feel a great sense of relief though.. it was strange coz i actually looked glum at the end of it. i felt like one exam was over, not like it was ALL over...

and i juz woke up, feeling super confused bout this dream i had...

in the dream i wanted to join a church organised outing but cldn make it except to join them while they were on the way home. So i met them on their way home and got on the coach that wld bring us all back. Weird thing is, when it came to collect $ for the trip (which occurred only aft the whole trip when we reached church), i was asked to pay the whole amt even though i didnt join in except take the transport toge with them! And it was not cheap! it was $200+ and the trip cld've been taken by any of us w/o the costs! shocked n confused, i paid the pastor but felt very sad that my hard-saved $ juz flew down the drain like that...i went home upset and slept for a super long time. (still in my dream) when i woke up, i checked my schedule book n to my horror realised i had missed a 9am exam that day! i called my friend n began to cry.. my fren asked me to re-check the date but i cldn find that page in my schedule anymore. i was really scared that i'd have to stay 1 more sem in sch and not grad..

oh man... this dream was really weird coz of the $ and esp coz my exams are over! why wld i worry bout missing papers when its over? its not like im stressed over them anymore...

been checking out soo many websites on artists and online shopping.. feel so tempted to get some tees online coz u wont find them in shops here...oh well have to keep reminding myself to save $$$...
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Date: Apr 22nd, 2005 7:48:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: spiritually dry

the countdown to my last time taking exams...3 days to the 1st paper!

trying to study but i study best in sch, i stayed at home today so... i practically got nothing done. Am always in 'slack n sleep' mode when im at home, sigh the bed n fridge are toooo near me ;p

came across this quiz:


i think the 2 most overrated things in society today is physical beauty and charm. From the viewpoint of relationships, pple often choose frens n partners based on looks n charisma, which often override more impt things like integrity, love etc. Just bcoz a guy is charming n cute says nothing about him being a loving and responsible partner, the same goes for gals... Character and integrity would be the most underrated things in life to me...Often pple with the courage to say no or to stand up for what's right end up being mocked, fired, misunderstood etc... In life, it doesnt seem to pay to be righteous or honest or responsible.


Love. im greedy- i want to be loved but i also want to love. im incapable of giving perfect love, only jesus can give that but i want to be able to love openly n freely, no hold barred, without any reservation or fears of being hurt or rejected. i want to be loved too. I want to be loved and i want to love those who love me...only then can there be a true fulfillment of my deepest needs, coz true joy in life stems from the co-existence of giving and receiving...


Life...is living out what God has given me to my best ability- both joy n sorrow, plenty n need; it is not ever forgetting the feeling of being alive, even in torment or pain. Life is a journey- in this journey we may venture forward and discover new frens and new experiences, we may grow in character. We may also digress, lose our purpose in life, dwell in the past hurts...Life's about the choices we make in life, not juz the big ones but especially the little ones, coz one's character is more often tested in the everyday mundane than in the occassional trauma. Life is also a process of self discovery- u discover urself, ur desires/needs/dreams/strengths/weaknesses and it is this discovery that gives us an identity and purpose in life.


what makes me happy...hahaha lots of things actually..$$ to do whatever i want, shopping, food like choc,sushi,ice cream;swimming, beaches, trekking,the sky,stars,being with pple i love, doing things i like,travelling...
i think 'happiness' has a time element...some things make u happy, but this happy feeling is short lived. other things endure n continue to give u JOY. The things that make me happy (short term) tend to be material or physical things like $, food, nature, clothes etc but what gives me JOY (long term) would be relationships i.e. family, frens, God.


Sorrow...hmm this shd be easy, im so super emo... watching sad shows or shows based on human suffering i.e Holocaust, illness, war, death, etc are enuf to turn my tap on or cast me in a sad mood. the things i see ard me often make me sad- the hurts of pple i read bout in papers/hear bout/know bout who face divorce, rape, abuse, cancer...
what often really makes me sad is the youths in church. Being with them subconsciously depresses me bcoz their lack of love and self-centredness is juz yelling at me. im not judging them n i dun want to, im not fit to but it juz hurts to see them cut each other n ignore each other's needs out of complacency n self-sufficiency. it seems strange that i much prefer the companionship of my non-christian frens bcoz somehow they have so much love to give n are so sensitive and caring. how ironic...


As a christian, the model answer would be God. But as the song goes, im literally '500 miles' away from Him. haven been reading my bible or praying. the only 'link' i have to him is going to church 2-3 times weekly for service or for my ministries... Strange isnt it? to serve in church yet not know who im serving. Im serving in church not out of love for God, more out of a sense of responsibility coz i said i'd do it. I dunno how to love God bcoz at the moment i dare say im living for myself. Mostly for myself and partly for my family, bcoz they mean the most to me and give me a sense of identity n place in this world. The model answer wld be very far away in my list of priorites at the moment...
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Date: Apr 20th, 2005 10:17:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: evil

Hahaha... Im in an evil mood... was juz bitching with my sis bout our family politics n how some pple in the family do things that seem neutral or good on the surface but actually do it for less-than-noble reasons..i spilled the beans on why they did what they did...evil right, n guess what i dun feel guilty at all. Been so short-tempered recently, been blowing my top at some incidents over the last few days... Hope stress is not the excuse, somehow there always is some excuse for bad tempers..

maybe i juz feel like being bad...not like im an angel in the first place but i really cant hold my temper these days. Say a few words to irritate me n u got me there. It's like i got anger all over my face n blood. maybe its coz im far fm God, but oh well...somehow i like me this way, then i dun have to go along with what everyone wants n think more for me and about me. hmm it is human nature to be self-centred right? haha another excuse...

but i actually like being short-tempered... its sadistic but i kinda like getting angry. It seems to make me feel good, although this is in itself a highly ironic n contradictory statement. And i actually turned down some frens when i'd usually juz go along with what they said, somehow i dun see the need to compromise when i dun feel like it anymore. N i enjoy being the 'bad' guy among the good guys...

well let's see how long this 'evil' mood lasts...
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relative poverty
Date: Apr 18th, 2005 11:03:08 am - Subscribe
Mood: money-minded

juz had a psuedu-argument with my mum over money. I always felt sorry for frens who were financially straped or were forced to finance themselves thru uni. Now i get a small glimpse of what its like.

A dentist visit that took two weeks to book n a huge cost... n i didnt even want to go in the first place. Now my mum refuses to pay for me so i have to fork out the bill, which i didnt know till today n the appointment's tmr. Shit... big time shit.

Good thing i still have some savings to tide me thru. I've decided to seriously start saving up and plan my own financial future. It wasnt juz today... been tolerating her snide comments n threats...
'If u dun do ____, u wun get any $'
it was never funny, even if i'd laugh it off.
'You're still dependant on me, so u have to blah blah...'

yes, i shall remember our financial relaitonship, esp when i earn my own salary...then i might say the same thing back to her...

Money, so impt yet so trivial at the same time. How smth can mean so much yet it is juz a piece of paper at the end of the day.

I better make some resolutions to remind myself:
-get an ATM card
-walk, save on transport
-bring packed meals
-no more shopping
-dun go out unnecessarily
-no more buying cds or books

in short, save save save!
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