|
i realised i haven blogged for so long.. so many things have happened... initially i was busy with doing admin for the church retreat so i didnt have time to blog, or was too tired to actually... was literally in church from morn to ard 10 plus each night, mon to sun..haha come to think of it, i cant imagine how i did that...;p so i lost my 'blogging' momentum, if there was such a thing... then the church retreat came... it came and went in such a flurry, im still a haze when thinking bout it. All i know was that it was a crazy 5 days, and i ran ard doing stuff til 3 am each day, i was so mentally 'off' i cldn even sit down w/o sleeping.. so i didnt journal each day's events, much to my regret... let me try to reminiscense... we went as advanced party, i rem waking up so early, 6.30am to be at the meeting point to take the 8am coach. my pastor was so sweet, she came to pick me up in a cab coz it was on the way... i'd intended to take a bus on my own... the coach was real comfy and i was glad i grabbed a solo seat, coz it'd kill me to keep thinking of things to say if i'd sat with someone... mainly it'd be awkard coz im not close to them and im more of a thinker than a talker.. lots of silly things on the bus- J singing..but he was so shy i cld barely hear him..haha it was a kill to hear him sing loudly in a van later when we went to buy food ;p Jo is really creative and he really prepared hard for the camp! this poor bloke only slept 2 hrs the nite b4... i told him i like his 'never-say-die' attitude and its true.. he juz gives and gives... L's really observant and its kinda scary too.. i was being my usual quiet-ard-pple-im-not-close-to self and he suddenly asked aloud-'Why are u so quiet?' really took me aback.. i juz smiled at a loss.. the only time i had time for a swim was during the night of our advanced arrival.. swam with S.. it was quite fun, i realised my personality may have been becoming like hers- a mel chlor... i became so much more indecisive, emotionless, cold and less of a thinker and analyser... honestly i wish i cld go on recalling each day's events but i feel myself zonking out and my 'new' personality (brought out by work stress) doesnt actually make it easy to actually think and organise my thots now.. which used to be a natural occurance for me..hope i dun freak out at my new self...i feel so superficial yet never so confident before.. this really sounds like a choleric... |
|
Today is one of those embarassing days where i totally lost all my 'face'...not once but 4 times... i woke up late for service and rushed there. was 5 min late and was stuck outside the door while Pastor R proceeded to tease me for 5 min flat bout my late-coming.. then i went in for service and worship was starting... i had juz put my bag down n gotten comfy when i heard the worship leader A say she was going to do a song with actions... uh oh* i thought and then i sighed with relief, thinking that we (the comm) had got away with not doing it with her on stage, which was A's initial plan... "Sister ___ please come up and dance!" i thot i'd heard wrongly... i'd juz remarked to Pastor CX that we were lucky to have escaped doing the dance on stage and lo behold- my name was being called to go up to do the dance... argh.. thank God i knew some of the steps but it was a really embarassing time for me...i really dun like dancing, what more on stage... i tried to smile it off but it was so awkward and my actions were reverse from the others coz im a leftie... yup so that was Embarassment No. 1-- sabotaged to dance on stage the moment i stepped into the hall... After that i sat down and my pastor happily pointed out that a testimony i'd written YEARS ago was published in this weeks' handout... the thing is, it was written some time back (really way back) when i was studying for some exam and those who know me now will wonder bout it coz i've graduated for some time now...haha that's kinda No.2 coz no one informed me b4hand and it's kinda outdated... No. 3 happened during the sermon...it was more of a group embarrassment but i did have a small panic attack... Pastor R was preaching half-way when he asked all the R prog (a discipleship program) pple to stand up.. i get creeps everytime he asks us to stand coz it's like some exam time where he'll ask any of us to quote any random verse in front of the entire congregation... i finally stood n thank God he didnt call any names but merely asked us to read some stuff...whewww... No. 4 was bad, but silly come to think of it.. Pastor R said smth like " Ladies, life is NOT all bout getting married and having kids..." i totally agreed so i said a rather unintentional loud AMEN. Pastor CX heard me and she laughed so loudly that Pastor R stopped and asked her what the matter was. Pastor CX pointed to me and said- 'She agrees!'.. i think Pastor R went mad then coz he started a crazy rampage on how i love and am dying to get married and have kids...blah blah blah.. to the point where i seriously wanted to kill him... so there...sabotaged 4 times today.. and let it stop there... cant' take too many in a day... Came home feeling unhappy.. thing is, i dunno why im unhappy and actually i was juz thinking b4 that that i was so fortunate to have freedom to go out and all coz we were talking bout some youths with really strict parents... I really wonder what is it to like a person...no i mean what is it like to love a person... coz i feel smth towards this person but im not sure what it is.. i dunno if it's platonic friendship, romantic love or brotherly love? It's the kind of thing i cant tell anyone coz telling someone wld open it up as a possible future topic and i really dun want to dwell on it... Dwelling on such things can really get me down so i cant even tell my sis or best frens... Rationally speaking, it's impossible coz the person (let's call him Y) and i are worlds apart- in age/char/frens/environment... yet sometimes i feel something and i dunno if the person feels the same ...but i dunno what is that "feeling" im having... so confusing... Y is 3 years younger than me and is still in sch while im already grad... His family background and what he's been thru are world apart... he's been thru so much- jail/drugs and all and i really admire his courage to turn over a new leaf and be strong for God... I dun mind his background at all but i feel like its really poles apart... I didnt feel anything till at the Retreat...by the last few days of the camp, somehow he was looking at me in a funny way... i dunno how to describe it. He's usually a heck-care guys' guy but when we were together alone and he'd juz woken from a couch nap, he actually kinda looked tender and soft at me... it really felt weird. Maybe im juz naive and this all means nothing... i mean, he prob cant rem any of this, given his char... He's usually very shy bout singing in front of others but he sang aloud one day when we were alone and i was quite surprised. Don't want to jump to conclusions that he likes me or anythg but i guess he's more comfy one-to-one... Today when i was sabotaged to dance on stage, i saw that he was sitting in front and while i was doing the dance, i could see out of the corner of my eye that he was looking at me... and during the last days of retreat i caught him looking at me quite often, especially when he was talking... i dunno what this means, but i seriously dun think he likes me, coz im like 3 years older and all and given his past he may feel inferior. Maybe it juz so happened that we feel comfy ard each other and have the potential to be good frens... i dun think he likes me coz the odds are really impossible and he only looks at me when im not looking... when im looking or talking to him he seems heck-care or unattentive, which can really get on my nerves... haha looking back it sounds like im trying to convince myself that he doesnt like me and that i can't like him ;p well so there... got it off my chest... i hope that no more silly thoughts like these come and that i wun think bout him any more... i dun want to have silly high hopes or focus on the wrong thing... Getting a job and serving God are the main things i shd focus on now... |