Irony
Date: May 8th, 2005 7:14:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: suppressed
So many ironies...
IRONY ONE:
i dunno if im stressed/troubled/depressed whatever coz i had another unpleasant dream bout taking exams! The irony is, my exams ended 5 days ago! I dreamt last night that on my exam day i went out shopping with my sis and almost forgot the time. When i got there i didnt know it was open-book and took such a long time to do the qns...halfway thru my pencil case spilled open and on picking up all my stuff, i met a fren and ate with them as i was still doing the paper! weird right? the first thing that stuck me when i awoke was- why in the world am i still dreaming bout failing/missing exams when they're over for gd n im gonna grad?? really dun get it...
IRONY TWO:
Went to church today as usual n the sermon was on anger management. The irony was, i was so 'lucky' as to see 2 of my youth pastors get mad within the same 2 days, yesterday n today. Both of them only got mad in my presence and at me, so no one else saw or knew... it's a long story n i guess it was a misunderstaning but sometimes i wish ... i dunno i juz wish i'd stop seeing contradictions n hypocrisy in church. No one's perfect but it saddens me to see pple in church blow up n be mean to each other. it's not juz some isolated event but there seems to be a real lack of love in my youth church. i thot i was the onlky one who felt this way but my church pal J said the same thing... honestly i sometimes wonder why im a Christian, since the Christians i see act the same or even worse than non-believers. n i frankly prefer hanging out with my non-christian frens rather than those in church. maybe we're too complacent and tend to take things for granted, so we forget to care and look out for others, we juz say and do whatever we feel like doing... im too tired to even get mad or judge them. i juz wish smth wld happen... maybe their level of meanness is nothing at all n i shd get used to it. i dunno how to not be mean n still accept meanness.. maybe im too sensitive...maybes.....
sigh, sometimes i think too much. still a little sore over my pastor's anger juz now. it wasnt an eruption, juz a seething sort of barking tone. if i didnt keep my temper in check it might have erupted into ugly stuff. the thing bout me is i dunno how to express my displeasure to my pastors coz they're pastors so i either suppress it or flare out at my family- the last pple who deserve it.. argh.. so many mixed emotions in me now...sad/pissed/confused/frustrated/guilty..
n frens cant always be there so if not for this blog i think i'd have died of suppression...
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