Judas ideology
Date: Apr 15th, 2005 9:53:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: sorry
Today i watched 2 sad shows.
There is an ongoing film fest going ard featuring more than 30 worldwode films frm plcs like Iran, Belgium, Vietnam etc.
I watched this German film entitled "The 9th Day". Im really glad i watched it, even though it made me sad, coz it made me thank God for what i have.
9th Day: It's about the Jewish holocaust. A priest (Krumer) is called out of his concentration camp to the German headquarters. He is 'on leave' (free to return to his family) for 9 days. What the Germans want him to do is to do a 'Judas'- condemn the bishop and claim that the Catholic church supports Hitler and his race ideology. It sounds simple but there is a running ideology i shall call the 'Judas' ideology. The German officer tries to put doubt in Krumer's faith by advocating that Judas's role in God's plan of salvation was as impt, if not more than Jesus. Jesus, he argues, needed Judas to complete God's plan. In the officer's words:
'Judas paved the way for the plan of salvation'
Judas was seen as a hero, a revolutionary man whom God had a mission for- to crucify Jesus n hence carry out salvation successfully.
While Krumer never bought the ideology, he was almost killed (his family too) for refusing to be 'Judas'. Eventually he was sent back to the concentration camp where he survived to write a book entitled 'The 9th Day'...
so it was a true story... these war films never fail to wake me up from my shallow everyday existence to recognise the value of life and the reality of suffering and pain. The torture, the hunger and stark thirst experienced in the show would prob haunt me for days... but i dun regret watching this show. I've been too happy and oblivious to the world ard me to notice the things that are truly impt in life. I have been distracted by wants and self-seeking pleasures to care for the reality of this world-
this show reminded me that even as i sit here typing on a laptop in my own room, comfortable and well-fed, many others out there are homeless, hungry, poor, cold, sick, facing war or persecution. Juz because im oblivious to such reality does not erase the truth. How cld i be so caught up in the trivialities of everyday life n forget what LIFE is all about?
Life is def more than juz deciding what to eat n wear, what to watch n do, laughing n hanging out n having a great time... i need to rem that life is about joy n sorrow, plenty n want, suffering n pleasure. How can i truly know the meaning of joy unless i have tasted sorrow? Similarly, i muz remember that i muz never take God's blessings for granted. The home, sch, family, food and health i have is not mine per se but from God. The Lord gives n the Lord takes...
i feel so shallow, caught up in what to eat, what to buy, what to watch... i forgot life was more than that. It was remembering what my values in life are n to hold them close, less i shd be persecuted one day n asked to be a Judas. I wldnt want to be caught unawares, thinking that a safe home, $ n family will and shd always be there for me...
When i got home frm the film, i watched a serial drama on kidney patients. The guy in it died in the end (it was the last episode) n he willed his organs to 3 patients, saving them. it was so touching, i cldnt help but tear...
sigh... it is only in moments like this that i realise the value of life, such a precious gift yet i have always taken it for granted n even thot o ending it... how cld i? i rem someone once said- it is better to be in pain than to die, because pain reminds us that we are still alive- life is still in us and that life itself is a miracle and a hope...hmmm
dear God, im so sorry for taking the things u've blessed me with for granted. pls help me love the pple ard me with the love u have for me n pls hep me never to forget what really matters in life.
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Mountains n valleys
Date: Apr 11th, 2005 11:00:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: ruminating
Was comforted by what Miranda n Chellie said (in my prev post)...
was feeling so confused.. i always thought i was stable in my emotions but recently my emotions have been on very rocky terrain...
Seriously, one day i cldn stop crying n then e next day when i woke up i was fine...
it's like one day im on a mountain high n the following day on a valley low...
are guys like that too? or is this a pre-dominantly female phenomenon?
my sweet sis spent about 5 hrs with me on the comp today juz typing in the retreat details for the pple who signed up... really didnt know admin work took up so much effort n time... anyway thanks dear!
bought a new cd today- its "Tanto Tempo" by Bebel Gilberto.. its my first bossa nova cd n i love it! cheers the blues away 
realised that one way to chase any blues away is to plunge into work... kinda naive to find out only now but once i got started on work n focused, all the unhappy feelings disappeared for the time...
wow my thots today are so random n disorganised...hahaha
J encouraged me today via sms. it was really uplifting coz it was juz what i needed...
i find smth interesting- the invention of the handphone n sms really invented new ways of communication. J and i never speak to each other in church, even if we sit next to each other. maybe its coz we both r shy n quiet by nature. but when we sms each other on work stuff, it can accumulate to many sms-es n end up 'chatting', if one can call it such... Nowadays one can be friendly via sms w/o ever saying a word to another person...
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i don\'t know WHY
Date: Apr 10th, 2005 10:20:32 am - Subscribe
Mood: numb
Today...
its been overwhelming... i knew alot of pple wld sign up for registration at the last min but i didnt expect to come home like that.
The registration was mad, to say the least... 50 odd youths ard the booth n i was the only one there manning it. Thank God J n C came to help me. But i was upset, because the youths knew we had been having registration for an entire month n some of them juz decided to sign up last min n worse of all, without $. What do u expect me to do when u sign up w/o $? They had 1 month n they all had to rush it in a day... n make things diff for me.
The committee i was in was worse... instead of setting a gd example n being the first to sign up, half of them didnt bring the money. How many times did i personally email/sms/ tell them that i CANT sign them up w/o the $ n today's the last day!! i dun expect them to help me in admin but the least they cld do was sign up on time... is it that hard to fill in a form n carry some $ to church?
The pple who registered argued n debated with me on the reg terms... it was like the whole world was out to make life diff.
We had a meeting that lasted 4 hrs n i was ignored most of the time, other than the pastor asking me for stuff she didnt tell me she wanted- "what is---", "where is--"
if she could only tell me in advance all that she wants to know and have, i wld willingly prepare it for her... but she juz asked n expects me to know every single detail or be able to answer anyth she asks...
i dunno... i felt so...numb...
i thot, now i und why J once said-'why wld anyone want to do admin?'
Now i und... it's a task that is overworked, underpaid n under-appreciated...
i was trying to suppress the tears at service. think no one knew, though P. Ron wasstaring straight at me when he preached. Thot i'd push all my emotions down till i got home..
even when tearing in svs, i felt strange.
FOR once in my life, i was crying w/o knowing why.
i didnt know what EXACTLY i was crying about. i was juz crying.
I can only say everythn was maybe too overwhemling... it wasnt the stress but prob the emotional whatever i felt...
i dun even know what it was...grief? anger? stress? i thought hard but my mind was blank...
when i got home, it was like the floodgates opened. i locked me in the toilet n to my horror i cldn stop crying for 2 hrs... i dunno what got over me, i really didnt know what i was crying about...
i dun like crying n not knowing why, worse off being unable to stop...
i know i felt hurt though... by the pple, the comm, the pastor... individually they were small cuts, put together i guess maybe i cldn take it
i always thot i was strong. seems i really thought wrong. i feel like the biggest fool, crying w/o even knowing why.
i thot i'd stopped n it was ok n when i got down to blog, the thot of the retreat reg came into my mind n before i knew it, my eyes teared on their own...
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Dreams...
Date: Apr 1st, 2005 11:21:26 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unsafe
Been having dreams the last few nights and for two nights in a row, my dream involved near-death incidents...
do dreams have meanings for life or are they a manifestation of our emo or mental state and an expression of our feelings?
i can't rem the prev night's dream except that it was near death but i vaguely rem yest night's dream:
i was out with a group of church frens on an excursion. it was to visit some cultural sites and on the way back all of us squeezed into a car. We had to cross a highway which spread across a sea. Even as we were driving, the waves were huge and seemed to literally engulf some of the tourist structures built along the coast. it was scary.. then when we were in the middle of the highway the waves got on the highway and i saw the car swerve off the highway... next thing i knew the car was in the sea and i was thinking hard to myself-" this is not happening! this is a dream..." i saw myself being pulled into the waters and that was when the dream ended... boy i was really glad it was a dream. The dream seemed so scary i really thought it was real n that i was in denial when the car fell into the sea...
been awakened to thoughts of death lately.. can't figure out why... is it because of the recent tsunami and earthquake that shoke Asia?
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Woohoo!
Date: Mar 28th, 2005 10:11:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: phy zapped/emo n mental high
This is a day of contrasts! I spent almost the whole day working on an essay only to complete it in time for rushing to sch for submission. whew... after 5 hrs of interrupted sleep and tons o readings for the essay, my eyes were ready to drop on me.. but smth made my day, really...
my fren K whom i'd drifted away from ever since she got attached called me while i was rushing the essay n said-
'hey! they are selling tix to Thailand for $10! wanna go?'
i was excited... an hour later, she called again...
'hey all the $10 tix are gone..super fast man, they still got some $40 tix. wanna go?'
i said yes, gave her some info n that was it.
we got the tix juz like that!! so now 6 of us will be going to thailand (did i mention its my fav cty??) in july...
i was so ecstatic, literally coz i fell in love with the place, the pple and the lang the moment i first went there.. n i've been longing to go back there ever since...
not all will like the place though, some of its 'darker'areas are slum-my, dirty (in both senses) and air-polluted.. but other than that-
the food's cheap n good
the people's warm n so friendly
the shopping's great
the scenary (i dun mean bangkok) is beautiful
the culture n lang is like music to my ears...
haha i know its not that heavenly as it sounds but im suffering fm withdrawal symptoms so ..hehehe
what a joy...
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2nd best book
Date: Mar 26th, 2005 11:46:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: enlightened
I think i've discovered what the greatest 2nd book in the world (to me) is...
if the greatest book written is the Bible n authored by God,
the 2nd greatest book has to be Kahlil Gibran's 'The Prophet'
Amazingly astounding is all i can say... i chanced upon one of his quotes by chance n before i knew it, i went down to Kinokuniya to get a book! woww... this guy has depth beyond depths! I dun mean he's god but God really gave him so much wisdom n philosophical insight! the poetic words are not only linguistic masterpieces but great yet simple truths to life's basic concerns... oh man...
I love his wisdom on talking, friendship, clothes, beauty and joy & sorrow... words fail to adequately express my awe at this man, or shd i say, God's ability to so bless a man with such talent and depth of thought...
Here's a fav:
On Talking-
You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts
And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime.
And in much of your talking, thinking is half-murdered.
For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unflod its wings but cannot fly...
On Clothes:
Your clothes conceal much of your beauty, yet they hide not the unbeautiful.
And though you seek in garments the freedom of privacy you may find in them a harness and a chain...
A truth my eyes were opened to-
On joy and sorrow:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
ahhh... it has fed my spiritual appetite to a certain degree...
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A New Day
Date: Mar 25th, 2005 6:39:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: cheery
Had an arg with XX yest (24 mar thur) over the proj. I came home fm church at ard 11pm n was so tired but still had to edit my part in the proj b4 sending it 4 printing. When i looked thru the entire thing, i realised she had done sloppy citations n actually left out 2 sources in the biblio.. she claimed to have taken a 'small' bit fm my part but when i checked, it was 4 quotes! our essay is not that long so how can taking 4 quotes fm my part be 'little'?? was pissed already coz o all this... so i sent her a curt sms asking her to send the missing stuff so we can print asap. Apparently she didnt like my 'tone' in the sms n called me to ask why i was so curt. Well i told her she was supposed to have completed her part but it was incomplete n i had to edit her citations for her! she got mad, saying i shd have told her earlier... hellooo its not an indiv essay where u do what u like, its a proj so all shd stick to a standardised format.. apparantly she thought it was alrite to submit an essay with very diff formatting in it. AFter some more heated words, she hung up rudely.. i was mad coz in my opinion, she was at fault for giving sloppy work n leaving out sources n yet she was shouting and even hung up on me..
my other fren in the proj settled the printing issue and then called me to tell me. feel abit guilty but the both o us then bitched bout her coz although we didnt say it earlier, we both were subtly annoyed at her passiveness, laziness and selfishness.. we lent her a whole sem's worth of lect notes but when we needed notes for 1 week, she said she cldn find them... n it was always us who offered to zap notes, email lecturers, buy food etc - she juz kept quiet passively... sighhh.. i pity my fren, she's gonna be stuck with her another year for honours while i grad soon..
anyway.....
After the argument with my fren, i decided to go online shopping and bought a new fragrance- Escada's Rockin Rio! hope to get it soon.. i thot i'd be mad for some time but about 2 hrs later i was Happy didnt know why, juz felt happy with my life, surrounded by pple i love and having so much more than i'll ever need...
Later in the evening, guess what? She sms-ed me saying she was sorry.. wow i didnt expect that from her, coz she sounded so unreasonable and angry.. well so i replied saying i was sorry too. So i guess its over, even though i know things wun really be the same. Given her char, she'll def not let it pass w/o any change in behavior to me.. whatever... i was thinking - this is my last sem in sch anyway and aft knowing her i really dun think her frenship is worth keeping... why in the world would i want an exploitative and spoiled person ard me...
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juz kill me
Date: Mar 23rd, 2005 12:05:40 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dead
today i wished tomorrow never came...
its not juz the heavy workload, its having to deal with pple, the same pple who claim to be ur frens n yet hurt u, church pple who hurt and sadden...
got so pissed at XX... i really wonder if she has any love for her frens. So far, she only 'takes' and doesnt 'give'. Even when working with her, she is lazy n we have to cover up her sloppiness and mistakes.. juz feel so tired.. and when i needed a listening ear, juz realised my fren cant be bothered...
was at church today and after a waking up call by Reg, i tried to change for the better, but it hurt me to see that the team was doing exactly what Reg said NOT to do. This is the Lord's hse, not ur hse, dun treat it as a casual plc where u do what u like... and there they were, chatting and trying to read while doing worship for Him.. juz felt so alone in this, am i e only one in this plc who sees the hypocrisy of it all? im not perfect but i juz dun want to always be the one being aware or sensitive .. i dun always want to be the listener.. i dun want to be always the 'detailed' and 'prepared' one. i feel so tired.. i wish i was lazy, insensitive and heck-care.. then i wun be hurt by pple's insensitivity or have to think so much details only to be taken for granted...
they say God gives each one unique gifts..if these are my so-called gifts, i'd rather God take them away... they are like a double-edged sword, cutting me up at times...
so many things to do..essays/church cell/church admin...what is life all about? work?
where is rest? where is peace?where is joy? i really wish i were dead.. the phy n emo issues are so tiring...
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Today
Date: Mar 18th, 2005 2:53:49 pm - Subscribe
Mood: wide awake
Today::
/a tiring but fulfilled day
/tutor called on me during class, i embarassed myself by asking him to repeat the question which i still didnt und
/got a bit irritated by my fren who keeps asking me for tissues, water, paper etc everytime we meet.. asked me to keep her fren's notes for her even! i declined...
/she not only got on my nerves but another close fren also complained bout her insensitivity..we three are working on a proj toge so keeping fingers crossed for a gd working relatnshp
/was touched to recieve emails and sms fm frens whom haven kept in touch for some time friendship is a balm to the soul...
/checked out the SFF site, hope have $ and time to watch some films..
/its 5am local time now..why am i awake at this unearthly hour? co i slept at 7pm 18 Mar meaning to take a nap but woke up 6 hrs later at 1am instead! so..
/im wide awake now, checking mail, blogging and charging my beloved iPod, MiNi
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Happy
Date: Mar 17th, 2005 6:52:09 am - Subscribe
Mood: uplifted
Juz realised im temperamental...the last few blogs were all fluctuatuations! well the strange thing is, i was so tired when i turned in so i expected myself to be grouchy the next morning as i usually am but i was actually happy and chirpy this morning! was wondering if my mum had prayed for me or smth... everytime she prays, sumhow things work out or seem better. The power of prayer..
Im happy coz i decided not to let the work and proj and all get to me...went out today and bought a new skirt at Ebase shopping therapy works on me, i hate to admit... 
Shall read my notes on race later..realised race and ethnicity is smth that pervades the everyday- u cant avoid it. I came back from race lect today and on the way home my fren n i were talking bout the politics bet diff ethnic gps like malays, indians and chinese. then when i got home, the tv show was on a black cleaner being accused of rape he didnt commit. i got so agitated juz seeing the injustice i cldn watch anymore...
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