wishing i could touch your face.
Date: Sep 23rd, 2007 9:04:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood: drove myself insane.

Its raining now, as he's look at me, wishing that would be another hope for us. i never stop from loving him, but i only want the best for him. that's why i've decided to break up three month ago. i know he's having a hard time to face it, but i couldn't say that i'm not suffering from the same situation too. it just, got to be happen now than later.

"it just something that shouldn't happen" he sighed a pain. i know its still hurting him. me too.

"get over it, nick" "i'm sorry, but i just can't keep lying to myself and to you" how much it hurts me to say it. its totally a lie!

"i still need you" "and i still care about you" nick, you didn't know how much i need you!

"you still have me" "as your friend" i thought it would be easy for us, but we just can't get far away from each other.

he look deeply, into my eyes. i can't tell, how much i want to touch him now. but for him, i won't let it happen. i still remember, the moment we first met was two year ago, and its kinda love at the first sight. it won't take too long for us, and things work out really well until three months ago. he's everything meant to me, without him, i'd be so incomplete and without me, he won't be either.

it was the very painful decision, to call it a break. but i'm lucky enough, he still want to be friend. it just something that some people can't do. i know he has to against himself by being a friend, just a friend. and i'm dying to let it. and everytime he asked me out - i only can say 'yes', i can't say 'no', not even for once. i don't wanna meet him, how much its hurt. but i can't stop from seeing him! its very hard ignorance but right now, i'm gonna tell him, that this would the very last meet, between us.

"you're lying to yourself" "i know it cause i can feel it" yes i did. and its really for you, sweetheart.

"you'll face it, someday" "its just your highly hope that we could still be together"

"yeah" "its just too painful. why we have to hide our feeling?"

"nick, please" "and there's something i need to tell you" oh god, please, help me spill it out.

"i'm listening" "you don't have to think to say" "won't hurt me anymore"

"i'm gonna be away for a long time" "you can call it, a move" sorry...we need to stop from seeing each other.

"ahak..." "there's something that you think i will do to you?" "and you have to runaway from me?"

"no, i know who you are" "but, i'm trying to give us some space" "and i think, that would good for us"

"sigh...yeah. you're right" "good for us. where you'll go?"

"i don't know. but i'm moving tomorrow. you can call this our last meet" i really wanna cry now. but i gotta stop my tears. at least not in from of him.

"woo. looks like we won't see each other again right?" he smile. i know he fake it.

"that would be the best for us" i hope its the best i've ever done to you, nick

"at least, let me give you a hand to packing up" his eyes never stop from hoping. i wish i don't have to do it either dear.

"no, its okay" "and you have to work tomorrow"

as we walked to my home, i know he tried to hold my hand, just like before. but he told himself not to. i'm someone else now, for him. i'm more than just, a stranger but still, a stranger.

we stopped at front of my house, and i know its really hard for him to go. and it really hard for me, to let him go. he stopped from keep his eyes lookin' at me anymore.

"ermmm..." "i'm going in" "good bye, nick" "take care of yourself"

"yeah" "good bye" "take care of you too" "don't worry about me"

he tried to make me think he's okay. but i know who he is. deeply.


"yeah?.." he turned back when i called him.

"there's always be someone else for you" i wish i could always be with you.

"you know we're meant to be together" "how else could ever replace you?"

"erm.." "you know what the best for you"

it was a long silence between us. as we both know, we're for each other.

"okay, its too late now" "i need some sleep now"

suddenly, he stand close to me, real close. we're looking into each other eyes. my heart's beating fast, its like the first moment we met each other before. i can't say even a word...but

"go home, nick" "now" he walk away.

as he disappear through the dark of night, tears never stop from flowing from my eyes. i just can't keep it anymore. i've becoming so weak, minute by minute. its hard to breath now, really hard. i know it, its the time. just him didn't know it.

three month ago, i faded out when i was working. they sent me to hospital and i discovered that i'm having leukemia. and its just too late. doctor gave me five month, but i guess i won't be live for that long. at first, i want to tell him. but i know, since there's no hope for me, i don't need to put him in sadness. so i have to do something to hide it. i have to kill the love between us, quick and fast. so he won't be hurt too much. but the truth is, it just getting stronger. its just kept growing, until my last breath a week ago. and by the time you read this - i'm already gone.

but i'm not her. i'm nick. i found this diary when i went to her house to pick some of our stuff. i really miss her. she's the best thing in my life. that's why, she not only leave me, but she bought a part of me with her. i know, i won't hear her voice anymore. i won't see her anymore. all i have now, this diary that remind me to her and memories, our sweet moment when we're together. will it fade away with time? i don't know. but i won't let it happen.

i keep dreaming, that you'll be with me and you'll never go.
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reasons to stay single.
Date: Sep 20th, 2007 11:33:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: wondering.

Let me give an example.

It is a little bit long example. If you want to skip it, there is a summary in the end.

Say you are a fresh graduate at that age of 23, a male, starting a carrier as an executive officer working somewhere in KL with a salary, say RM2000 per month and without any saving in the bank. Monthly, extracting your expenditures on foods, transportation (public or motorcycle), electricity, water, phone, house rent and other expenses, say you can save about RM800 the most. Then, because you are a good son, you send some money to your parents or relatives about RM300 per month. This will give you a balance of RM500 of saving. For the first year, maybe you are very discipline with your budget, so you save about RM5000.

The next year at the age of 24, you meet a girl of your dream. Both of you plan to get married after one year or two. Ok, that's fine, it gives you time to save some more money and some more time to prepare the basic necessities for a 'happy' family? A car and a roof to live under. That year because you are a hard worker, you get a raise of 10%. Since you are also a gentleman, you make sure some money is put aside to spend on dates and gifts for your girl, so 10% goes for her. Like the previous year, after much sweat and maggie-eating months, you save another RM5000. Your company is doing ok. You are paid 2 months bonus. So, another RM4000 is added to your saving. So, your total saving now is RM14,000. You decide to spend about RM8000 on a brand-new RM40,000 car down payment. So, you net saving that year is RM6000.

The next year at the age of 25, you are doing fine at work. But because now you have to pay for car every month, your total monthly saving is cut down to about RM400. You save roughly about RM5000 that year. No bonus that year because your company is doing poor. So, your total saving in the bank is RM11,000. Then, you decide to get engaged with your girlfriend. She said OK. So, need to buy an engagement ring. RM1500 is spent on ring plus 'hantaran pertunangan'. So, your net saving that year is RM9,500.

The next year at the age of 26, you get promoted. Your salary now is 1.5 of your starting salary at the company. Good news! You think. "Ok, this year I will get married". You also are 'gersang' already.

So, you ask your fiance "how much is the 'duit hantaran'?"

She say, "berapa-berapa yang u sanggup".

You ask,"RM5000 ok?".

She replies, "I okay je. Tapi my mom tu. Dia kata grad oversea macam I ni mane boleh letak rendah-rendah. Paling kurang RM10,000 tau!".

Your eyes 'terjegil', your tounge 'meleleh' and you faint on the spot. "Where else in the world can I get extra money?", you say to yourself. But, because you are very determined to get married with your dream girl and in the name of love, you work really really hard year until you are awarded "The Best Employee of The Year". You get 3 months of bonus. You also do some side business to supply ayam pencen. So, roughly your net saving at the end of that year is RM20,000.

Ok, now you are 27 years old with enough saving in the bank to pay for the 'duit hantaran'. But then, come your mom saying,"Anak mak nak kawin ni mesti la buat grand grand. Kita sewa khemah besar-besar, jemput penyanyi ke artis ke sorang dua datang buat persembahan. Lauk pauk kita cater aje la ya? RM10 je sekepala. Baju kawin ko, kita sewa yg cantik-cantik dan mahal-mahal sket. Kita jemput dalam 1000 orang datang ok?"

You did a quick in-the-head-calculation, "1000xRM10=RM10,000, penyanyi lagi, khemah lagi, buta-buta je RM15,000!!! Tu tak masuk cincin kahwin lagi!!" You say,"Mak, nak buat apa membazir-bazir duit ni?" Your mom replies,"Apa pulak membazirnya? Kau kawin sekali je seumur hidup. Biarlah buat betul-betul." You insist,"Tapi mak?" Your mom says, "Dahlah, kau jangan nak buat malu mak. Cik Tipah jiran kita tu buat kenduri kat hotel siap dato, datin, tan sri puan sri lagi datang. Mana la mak nak letak muka kalau buat kenduri kecik kecik?"

Anyway, you finally get married. But, a beautiful happy life after marriage that you dream of with your wife does not last long. You have debts around your waist, interest gets higher every month, cannot afford to pay them, you wife gets tired of you asking money from her, she accuses you of being irresponsible husband for not being a good provider, blah blah blah? At the end, you two go into separate ways? You get divorced.

Problem breeds problem? Sometimes we wonder why marriage institution is failing in our country. The above example may not represent the whole phenomena in our culture, but perhaps it gives us some ideas of the problems young couple these days are facing in getting married from my perspective.

The Root Cause of the Problem...

There is something wrong in our culture. I really think there are some practices in our culture in Malaysia (Malay culture specifically) that do not make sense and especially they are contrary tothe teaching of Islam. These practices are well-rooted in our culture that unfortunately because of them, many people are 'afraid' to get married, or simply feel like they cannot afford when they are actually can afford. These are some of my observations and summary


(1) Marriage should be done in the most modest way but in Malaysia , it is ought to be done in the most lavish way. Competition on whose wedding is the most grandeur is almost unavoidable. Fame is usually the reason why people spend unreasonable and wasteful amount of money for a wedding.

(2) The "price" of a woman is measured according to her perhaps educational background, physical attributes and family social status not according to her knowledge and understanding of Deen and piety as suggested by the religion. The saddest thing is that "price" is put on women, who are supposed to be, if God-loving, kind-hearted and pious ones, "priceless"!

'Hantaran kawin' system is adopted by the Malays from perhaps the Indians who came to Malaysia long time ago. When the 'hantaran' is put too high and men can't afford to pay, marriage is usually delayed or cancelled. An effort to build another small brick unit of this Deen is delayed or perhaps destroyed only for this reason.

(3) Marriage should be a quick and easy process for the couple, not hard, which eventually becomes a burden. These days, we make marriage so complicated that people are afraid of getting married. When I was in the US , I saw Muslim brothers and sisters getting married at the mosque, with just some sweets as the main course for the guests. The guests who were invited to witness the ceremony were usually whoever prayed jemaah at the mosque or some close relatives and friends. There is no point of being extravagance. We should focus on the life after wedding, not the wedding itself.

Wedding is only a door to the marriage house. Why should we spend a lot of money to decorate the door so beautifully, when the inside of the house is then left empty, dark and unattractive?

...and the pressure is on men...!
Comments: (0)

work, job, assignment, anything
Date: Sep 20th, 2007 9:07:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: far away.

ouch, yet again. i've just got the biggest job batch ever - an arch for main entrance and backdrop size 33' x 15'. that's big you know. first, i thought when the head of studio hand over me that job batch, i only need to design the arch for main entrance only. and today, when i show to my boss the progress, i told him the concept that i was designing for, he's kinda, yeah this nice. and straightly told me - hey, you better come up with the backdrop too. aiiyoo, i got so many job batches that haven't been done yet.

this week was the bad week for the company. at least, for my record. i've been to the studio late, everyday. haha. that was the payback for not giving me the bonus. just kidding. since my phone's broke down, i'm having a trouble to wake up. beside, nobody's wake me up.

guess what, we might go to kedah, yet for another outstation. its really what i've been looking for. i love travelling, much. it kept me away for a while from thinking about anything than enjoy the whole trip.
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ghost hunter (a dream)
Date: Sep 18th, 2007 9:14:52 pm - Subscribe
Mood: gampang

i know my name, but i can't tell you. i know who i am, but i can't mention it. i'm just a hunter. ghost hunter. i don't know if you laughin' when you read this. i don't care either. you're on your own. this is my world - my dream.

i don't know what i've done, what i've learned. no, i can't see the ghost. but i can feel it. they are around us. some of them, are good spirit while the other, from hell. how i'm deal them? i don't know. i just wake up one day, and i'm not who i am in the real world. and the only way to find me - by a phone call. no number. you only find out how when you need me.

phone ringing.

"hey" a lady voice whispered on the other line.

"who's you're hunt for?" not many people know who i am. until they need me.

"ghost hunter"

"you've just hitted the right one" "say place to hook up"

"small cafe around the corner, 10pm"

a lady already waiting for me when i arrived. she seems very depressed. maybe worry if that thing could harm them. yeah, she has a family to run. who wouldn't be worried. guess she know finally - to worry about a livin' or dead.

"tell me something about your child" the same question i'd ask. everytime.

"anything to do with it?" guess she's suprised.

"kinda. your kids could be the one who cause it"

"i had a daughters and sons" "is it enough for you?"

"how old are they?"

"old enough to take care of themself if something happen to me"

"cool. good enough to trigger anything out there and lead them home" "don't mention about your husband"

"you already know?" pity. she really don't ready for this.

"you'll cry. don't mention it. i'm not your tissue"

"then, let's hit our home"

its a small house but big enough for small family. yeah, i can feel it. they're not strong enough. but don't take too much to cause a chaos.

i walked into room by room, examine everything i can feel. they won't communicate with me. don't even do something, playing with the window or something like that. everything, seems normal.

"what they have done to you?"

"well, i felt somebody's staring at me. it much worse when i'm..."



"maybe they're horny"

she's freak out when i said it. i couldn't tell how her face looklike.

"don't worry, they won't harm you" "they just, not strong enough"

"but strong enough, to open up my closet, lies in my bed, knockin' on the door and watchin' t.v at 3.00am"

"they miss the favorite t.v show because you're watching drama"

"that's funny" "why don't you just show your funny face?"

"i'm not kidding" "they are just a part of us" "try to enjoy, contact with us, play with us"


"that's your problem" "if you don't trust, pay some respect"

she sighed.

"i'll call the kids home"

its really weird. it seems, they won't tell me where they're coming from but they're ready to move out until the right time . and i need to be here until that time. usually, it won't too long but this time, they are planning something.

"kids, meet up with..."

"i knew him" one of her daughter just triggered the full of question moment.


"i don't know" "but his eyes, seems familiar"

blush. she could break it all. i need to cover up before it ends tonight.

"kid, watch out your words" "it can cost you a life" "don't be too proud of who you are"

"yeah, like you?"

"i'm nobody" "but i can walk out the door and let them give you a lesson"

from a nice, cute little girl, she's grown up and become someone else. i never expected she will becoming like that. even her life, not a part of me. but i bet it just something you won't live to see.

i've been there for a week. and i've been told to leave. and to be tell, its not ghosts i've been hunt for - instead, they are hunting me. they seek my help. and i did help them - with a favor to keep what i've been help for, a secret.

krriiingg. my first phone call a week after that. she, nervous or something. i can tell from her voice. beep me to meet her. she must be, find a way to contact me. and i need to meet her. she need to tell me how.

"hey, i need to tell you something"

"slowly" "i'm just reached. let me take a break"

"okay" "by the way, they haunting me back"

"really?" "but why you the one who give me a call?"

she's blushed. its has been a long time since last time i saw her face like that. cute. very innocent.

"its not about the ghost, isn't it?"


i wake up to reality, and go to work at 9.00am. like usual.
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Date: Sep 18th, 2007 1:38:16 am - Subscribe
Mood: cool

I close the door
Like so many times, so many times before
Felt like a scene on the cutting room floor
When I let you walk away tonight
Without a word

I try to sleep, yeah
But the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me
A thousand more regrets unraveling, ohh
If you were here right now, I swear,
I'd tell you this

Baby I don't want to waste another day
Keeping it inside it's killing me
Cause all i ever want, it comes right down to you (to you)
I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

I climb the walls
I can see the edge but I can't take the fall, no.
I've memorized the number
So why can't I make the call?
Maybe 'cause I know you'll always be with me
In the possibility

Baby I don't want to waste another day
Keeping it inside it's killing me
Cause all I ever want, it comes right down to you
I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

I don't want to be like this,
I just want to let you know,
Everything that I'm holding,
Is everything I can't let go, can't let go.

Baby I don't want to waste another day
Keeping it inside it's killing me
Cause all I ever want, it comes right down to you
I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

Don't you know it baby
I don't want to waste another day

I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you every time you leave
I'm inconsolable
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