wishing i could touch your face.
Date: Sep 23rd, 2007 9:04:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood: drove myself insane.
Its raining now, as he's look at me, wishing that would be another hope for us. i never stop from loving him, but i only want the best for him. that's why i've decided to break up three month ago. i know he's having a hard time to face it, but i couldn't say that i'm not suffering from the same situation too. it just, got to be happen now than later.
"it just something that shouldn't happen" he sighed a pain. i know its still hurting him. me too.
"get over it, nick" "i'm sorry, but i just can't keep lying to myself and to you" how much it hurts me to say it. its totally a lie!
"i still need you" "and i still care about you" nick, you didn't know how much i need you!
"you still have me" "as your friend" i thought it would be easy for us, but we just can't get far away from each other.
he look deeply, into my eyes. i can't tell, how much i want to touch him now. but for him, i won't let it happen. i still remember, the moment we first met was two year ago, and its kinda love at the first sight. it won't take too long for us, and things work out really well until three months ago. he's everything meant to me, without him, i'd be so incomplete and without me, he won't be either.
it was the very painful decision, to call it a break. but i'm lucky enough, he still want to be friend. it just something that some people can't do. i know he has to against himself by being a friend, just a friend. and i'm dying to let it. and everytime he asked me out - i only can say 'yes', i can't say 'no', not even for once. i don't wanna meet him, how much its hurt. but i can't stop from seeing him! its very hard ignorance but right now, i'm gonna tell him, that this would the very last meet, between us.
"you're lying to yourself" "i know it cause i can feel it" yes i did. and its really for you, sweetheart.
"you'll face it, someday" "its just your highly hope that we could still be together"
"yeah" "its just too painful. why we have to hide our feeling?"
"nick, please" "and there's something i need to tell you" oh god, please, help me spill it out.
"i'm listening" "you don't have to think to say" "won't hurt me anymore"
"i'm gonna be away for a long time" "you can call it, a move" sorry...we need to stop from seeing each other.
"ahak..." "there's something that you think i will do to you?" "and you have to runaway from me?"
"no, i know who you are" "but, i'm trying to give us some space" "and i think, that would good for us"
"sigh...yeah. you're right" "good for us. where you'll go?"
"i don't know. but i'm moving tomorrow. you can call this our last meet" i really wanna cry now. but i gotta stop my tears. at least not in from of him.
"woo. looks like we won't see each other again right?" he smile. i know he fake it.
"that would be the best for us" i hope its the best i've ever done to you, nick
"at least, let me give you a hand to packing up" his eyes never stop from hoping. i wish i don't have to do it either dear.
"no, its okay" "and you have to work tomorrow"
as we walked to my home, i know he tried to hold my hand, just like before. but he told himself not to. i'm someone else now, for him. i'm more than just, a stranger but still, a stranger.
we stopped at front of my house, and i know its really hard for him to go. and it really hard for me, to let him go. he stopped from keep his eyes lookin' at me anymore.
"ermmm..." "i'm going in" "good bye, nick" "take care of yourself"
"yeah" "good bye" "take care of you too" "don't worry about me"
he tried to make me think he's okay. but i know who he is. deeply.
"yeah?.." he turned back when i called him.
"there's always be someone else for you" i wish i could always be with you.
"you know we're meant to be together" "how else could ever replace you?"
"erm.." "you know what the best for you"
it was a long silence between us. as we both know, we're for each other.
"okay, its too late now" "i need some sleep now"
suddenly, he stand close to me, real close. we're looking into each other eyes. my heart's beating fast, its like the first moment we met each other before. i can't say even a word...but
"go home, nick" "now" he walk away.
as he disappear through the dark of night, tears never stop from flowing from my eyes. i just can't keep it anymore. i've becoming so weak, minute by minute. its hard to breath now, really hard. i know it, its the time. just him didn't know it.
three month ago, i faded out when i was working. they sent me to hospital and i discovered that i'm having leukemia. and its just too late. doctor gave me five month, but i guess i won't be live for that long. at first, i want to tell him. but i know, since there's no hope for me, i don't need to put him in sadness. so i have to do something to hide it. i have to kill the love between us, quick and fast. so he won't be hurt too much. but the truth is, it just getting stronger. its just kept growing, until my last breath a week ago. and by the time you read this - i'm already gone.
but i'm not her. i'm nick. i found this diary when i went to her house to pick some of our stuff. i really miss her. she's the best thing in my life. that's why, she not only leave me, but she bought a part of me with her. i know, i won't hear her voice anymore. i won't see her anymore. all i have now, this diary that remind me to her and memories, our sweet moment when we're together. will it fade away with time? i don't know. but i won't let it happen.
i keep dreaming, that you'll be with me and you'll never go.
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