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imaginary sigh. - Subscribe
A brief meditation on why I hate everything right now:

- I am sick. I feel like my head is encased in a glass fishbowl.

- People annoy me. Especially children. Especially the sound of their voices. This is problematic given my job choice.

- Today is the last day of work, which, while being a good thing, also kind of sucks because I don't think I will see any of these people again and it reinforces the fact that I have to start EVERYTHING over again in less than a week.

- I'm feeling completely alone, and to top that off nicely, everyone that matters to me is off having fun in BC.


Things I've learned the hard way:
- Never go anywhere without kleenex or the like. EVER.
- Hauling it out of bed earlier and having breakfast results in a much better day than sleeping until you nearly miss the bus.
- Travel when you have the opportunity.
- Don't learn the same lesson twice.

More to come, probably.
0 Comments
Mood: forlorn.

imaginary lonely. Jun 16th, 2008 12:19:31 am - Subscribe
I'm afraid right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I will be alright.

I don't want to fall back into misery, but I can feel it pull me. No matter how I try to look at things, it comes back to the fact that I'm alone, unwanted, unwantable.

I know in myself I have a huge, shining saving grace. I don't know what it is in nature. But it catches me in the end, always. Or at least prevents me from falling too fast.

But I don't want despair. I don't want loneliness and pain. But I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm learning that throwing my affection and my hopes on the first person who catches my eye does not result in me not being lonely. Yes, maybe for almost a week. But not for long enough.

I live for the next person who will lift my heart.
0 Comments
Mood: exasperated

imaginary Freedom. Jun 14th, 2008 12:21:55 pm - Subscribe
It bothers me that I don't feel I can write as freely here as I once could. I've already done some damage by forgetting that words (sometimes especially mine) can be very powerful. I don't want to cause anyone pain.

But I still want to write. And I like Aeonity a lot, and I don't want to make a new blog. This is where my past is as well. And if I make them all private entries, I'll never receive any reflection by others. So it's frustrating. I suppose I will continue to write cryptically until I can be sure of things.

Anyway - my graduation turned out exceedingly well. And as much as I worried and ranted about it, the whole day was exciting and fun and beautiful. I felt beautiful. And confident, and desired. Even days afterwards I floated on this feeling, and even right now (more than a week later) it remains in me.

Also, I figured out some stuff. I can't be uninhibited in discussing it here, but it was a pretty nice revelation. I'm hoping yet more good will come of it. It actually kind of frustrates me that I can't write about it... hmmm.

I'd like to employ this space for a brief meditation on the birth control pill, and how it does not mix well with me. I realized this in the shower a few minutes ago, but I've been not taking it for about three months now, and I am a lot improved. It did help a lot while I was taking it, because it balanced everything out in my system. But now I'm off it. And suddenly I am happier. My moods are a lot more static and less extreme, making me a lot happier as a whole. My skin is clearer. I'm losing weight again. I eat more regularly, and even sleep more (but I don't think that is directly related. It's probably more as a result of everything else.) So, without delving too deeply into my medical life, I just wanted to point out that sometimes messing around with the human body can make you a lot less happy than leaving it to do its own thing.

And with that, I depart.
0 Comments
Mood: feeling good.

imaginary endings and battles. Jun 1st, 2008 9:59:43 pm - Subscribe
I'm supposed to be writing paragraphs on UN peacekeeping missions right now, but I am a mess. If I don't write I will soon fall apart.

I can't put these thoughts into any organized or elegant narrative - they must come out, unpolished as they are.

In three days I am graduating from high school - but it's more than that. In three days I am marking my departure from the place I have grown up, the school I have attended for twelve years, the people I love and am close to. I am saying goodbye.

Well, sorry, but I'm quite abysmal at saying goodbye in general. This is why I am a mess. In my heart, I am ready to leave. In my brain and the parts of me that determine my emotional state, I don't know what my life is like without that place and those people. This is the end of my childhood and adolescence. I'm going to be a basket case. I have been feeling weepy for weeks already.

THEN, putting aside the significance, there's the actual event itself. I don't think I have obsessed this much over a single evening in the course of my life. It's getting ridiculous.

The thing is, I know it will be fun. But I also know there is no possible way for me to avoid dwelling on the subject of my date during the evening.

There really is nothing wrong with my date - except for who he isn't. Believe me, I appreciate the fact that he exists (in the form of my date) at all.

It's just that I envisioned my grad very differently. And it hurts. Because it was so important, and now I don't have a clue what it will be like. I don't think aforementioned date likes me very much as a person, which kind of takes the sparkle of possibility off of things, right? Not to mention that my self-esteem has taken a dive recently and I can't actually imagine anyone looking at me in a good way anymore. I wish I was small, quiet, pretty and fun. I'm not.

I try hard to love myself, but the main problem there is that my love isn't good enough for me. I need to be loved by other people. I want appreciation so badly. Yes, I am glad to have been asked to go to grad. I don't care too much about what the intent was, but I am fairly sure it was a just-as-friends invite, which is good all things considered. I just wish I could feel beautiful or confident or AT LEAST comfortable, or be attractive for the evening and feel wanted. How is that going? So far, it isn't. I look at myself and I don't see much that is beautiful or that I can feel confident in. I just see that my arms are fat and I can't dance and no one will look twice at me because my personality isn't exactly a beacon.

I think this could just be a bad day. I think that earlier in this week I told myself I was happy the way I am. Well, a day of bra shopping is bad for my self-image, for sure. And that scale having been broken hasn't exactly helped.

Being "nice" isn't good enough any more. I am through with being wanted around because of my "nice"ness. Once I graduate from Westmount, I will lose everyone that knows me as me. Maybe that means I don't have to be "nice" anymore. Maybe I can be pretty or fun or interesting or creative instead of "nice".

The problem there is that I AM "nice". That would be me. I am not especially anything else. My most noticeable quaility is compassion and kindness. I know that is a good thing. I am glad that people recognize it. I just wish that there were some other good reasons to keep me around, you know?

Anyway... I'm done, I think. I'm not happy with the scale; it's not aiding me in the battle to love myself.

Clarity is most definitively needed.
0 Comments
Mood: shutting down.

imaginary selfish. May 20th, 2008 8:42:19 pm - Subscribe
7.17pm
Unfortunately, I find I am no longer able to mask the truth of my own selfishness.
I am a terrible, self-centered individual so absorbed in my own emotional twists and turns of drama that I do not heed anyone else's feelings.
How did I get this way?
The problem is not that I want everything I keep for myself. I don't think I am really greedy. However, I can't let things go. I am afraid to have nothing left; to be entirely alone and unwanted - so I keep what I can as long as possible. If I'm holding onto three different threads at once, it doesn't matter as much if one or even two get pulled out of my grasp, right? Chances are, all three won't be lost at once.
But if I let the other two go of my own will and then lose the last one anyway, I won't have anything to hold onto.
What makes me a horrible human being is that knowing it isn't enough to motivate me to take less.
What is wrong with me?
1 Comments
Mood: worn down.

imaginary Thoughts on my writing. May 18th, 2008 11:49:53 pm - Subscribe
7.56pm
I make resolutions a lot. Is that normal? Sometimes I manage to fulfill them, but more often than not I end up where I started.
Keeping my room clean, for instance. Not going as well as I had hoped.
I have an inkling that maintenance just isn't my strength. Creativity is, but without the wherewithal to keep things going it never amounts to much. If it did, I would be surrounded by successful projects of my own design and undertaking, polished and completed.

8.05pm
I'm not. I'm surrounded by clutter and intentions. Oh, God. I'm an idea man.

8.14pm
I have a strange aversion to turning on electric lights indoors when there is still natural light to be had. I do it if I have to, but generally prefer to ruin my eyesight trying to read in half-light coming through a window. It's usually not a conscious decision. Maybe it would discourage the sun from shining. Or, perhaps, cause me not to notice the fading of the evening light.

10.06pm
When I write for myself, I write beautiful uninhibited things. When I write for public posting, everything is inane; contrived; controlled; devoid of feeling and expression.
When I write for myself and display the result publicly, all hell seems to break loose. People are often paying much closer attention than I realize - there is more perception than I bank on and explanations are due.
I forget that in my hands; in my thoughts - in my writing - words are powerful and dangerous. They are my weapon and one that I am well accustomed to using for ends both right and wrong.
I forget that the power of the written word is not only effective on their writer. However intoxicated I can become in the expression of these things, I should exercise more thought and judgment.
I write beautiful things - things that I am proud of - and place each one in prominence, to be found with only the slightest desire, but these are not what catch the attention of those whose contemplation I seek. Instead, the storms - the dark, unhappy uprisings of emotion - and the fires are what I am judged by and questioned of.
I resent it. Whole worlds I could create you out of language, full of the lovely and profound and intricate patterns that are at my disposal, but I doubt you would care to take a look deep enough to fall in. I could open flood-gates of feelings and render them as real as the sensations of your skin if you'd only consider the works I put forward to you.
You refuse to be drawn in. Words, my greatest weapon, are useless onward from the point where your eyes transfer them from the page to your mind.
Without the reader they are impotent, but are equally insignificant once within.
I repeatedly get the sense that the pen, however great, is not mightier than the sword and that I am fighting a losing battle with outdated artillery.

10.39pm
That is how I need to write more often on here. That's the variety of writing that feels the best.
0 Comments
Mood: placid.
Song:: I'll Keep Your Memory Vague - Finger Eleven

imaginary Minor revelation. May 18th, 2008 7:25:52 pm - Subscribe
Wow.

So it has now been more than a year since I last posted anything here. I'm not exactly sure why.

I read over my old entries.
Important things I realized as a product of this:
- Times change.
- I changed.
- I write very differently when I write for an imagined reader.
- But in spite of it all, I still write. Even now. Even after all these changes.
- It's been a long time since I let myself be free in my writing, because I expect too much. I miss my poems and lists; my quotes, song lyrics, rants, photos and rambles. I miss writing for its own sake.

Unimportant things I realized:
- If I'm unstable now, I was practically bipolar before. I'm considerably better now.
- I have learned a lot; gained and lost a lot.
- I'm ashamed to say that I winced a few times over what I used to write about. But that was then.

The only surprising thing I realized:
- I grew up. Apparently sometime between now and last April.

So I'm back, because I enjoy writing. I have a lot to say right off the bat, but I might let it settle out and come back later instead.
0 Comments
Mood: relaxed.

imaginary insignificant rant. Apr 18th, 2007 6:03:22 pm - Subscribe
4.11pm
So I'm back from Ecuador as of five days ago. It was an amazing trip and I worried for nothing. Right now I wish I was still there, as it's snowing again and I'm tired of the world at large.

[This space reserved for rant about people and life and death.]
[rant]
It could happen to me. I could wake up some beautiful sunny morning, go to school, be sitting in class with the friends and classmates I've grown up with and suddenly be shot in the stomach by a kid with a gun and nothing else. Or an adult with a gun and nothing else. Or an eight-year-old. Granted, in Canada that is somewhat more unlikely since we have the gun registry. But it still happens here, like in Montreal in September.
What kind of world is this? I can't feel safe in my own school, even on a street in my very quiet and elderly neighborhood. Life and death are a game - maybe you win and get to live a regular lifespan, but maybe someone picks up a weapon and your time ends before you can even say goodbye to your parents, to your boyfriend or little brother; before you can even cry or pray. Maybe all your dreams are in vain.
And yet we vindicate it and make it okay through violence on television and in movies and in video games. Life is objectified: you win if you collect x number of lives. If you eat the little mushroom, you get an extra life. You lose a life if you get shot. But really, you only have one and you can't trade it or collect it. And maybe that's fine with you, but maybe you'd feel differently about it if you had a bullet in your stomach.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Where can I go, really? I think the US needs gun control - at this point, it has to happen. There's no alternative. But it's people that kill people, not guns.
So however far removed this may seem from me personally, I am affected and I am feeling it. And it happened in Taber, which is, what, 30 minutes away from me? So it's not far-removed at all. It's everywhere. And I'm having some difficulty dealing with it, and accepting the fact that we've built the world we live in and continue to build it the same way, even though it's falling down everywhere on us. I want another option. I refuse to let it go and therefore make it okay. I want change.
[/rant]

4.51pm
It's my birthday on Friday. Sadly also Hitler's birthday, 4/20 and the anniversary of Columbine (not that I'm stuck in a rut topic-wise or anything). I have the worst birthday ever - 4/20 may appeal to some, but it repulses me. But I'm excited! I get to go out for dinner at Mercato, which is splendid.
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame is really depressing like the rest of life right now. But I love Victor Hugo, so it's worth it.
1 Comments
Mood: down.
Song:: How Good Things Are - Jann Arden

imaginary Ecuador. Mar 22nd, 2007 10:56:56 pm - Subscribe
I wish they would invent (prescription) drugs that prevented one from thinking while in an airport or on an airplane or on any transportation to or from an airport. Because that would make tomorrow so much easier. If I could just shut out the fact that I'm leaving; that I will be gone for 21 days, I would not be worried about tomorrow at all.
But there it stands. I will be gone for three weeks while in Ecuador saving the (third) world. I really haven't the will to write about how amazing it will be. I still have to get through leaving as of now.
Anyway. Bye for three weeks. Maybe if we get some internet cafe time I will post. I'll miss the Northern hemisphere...

[PS.I love you.]
0 Comments
Mood: saddish.
Song:: Wolf at the Door - Keane

imaginary under your spell again. Jan 18th, 2007 1:24:26 am - Subscribe
...And I'm still waiting
for the rain to fall;
pour real life down on me -

'cause I can't hold on
to anything this good
enough...

am I good enough
for you
to love me too?

So take care
what you ask of me
'cause I can't say no...

[Good Enough - Evanescence]
2 Comments
Mood: inadequate.
Song:: good enough - evanescence

imaginary Evanescence! Jan 16th, 2007 12:38:49 pm - Subscribe
Yeah, yeah. So I couldn't take pictures, of course. They did a full pat-down on the way into the concert (!) and made me leave my camera. Which sucked, to be honest. I've NEVER had that at a concert before. I was so excited...

But Evanescence was AMAZING! Amy sang SO well - even I was blown away, and I already live in constant awe of her. The rest of the band were amazing also, especially John singing on Bring Me To Life. Needless to say, I was most impressed. Amy hit every single note.

So! I'm very pleased. I got a lovely hoodie (a sixty-dollar lovely hoodie x.x) and I got a t-shirt for a girl I babysit. Other than the camera escapade, which I'm still getting over, the only unpleasant part of the night was the dude sitting behind me. No one was standing up, but when they played Bring Me To Life and the audience got all hyper, my boyfriend and I felt it was safe to stand up and jump and stuff for a bit.

Not so, however. This guy a row behind us was quite displeased and most unpleasant about it. He was very very rude to my boyfriend. So yeah. We sat down. I might've cried a few tears of rage at what he said about my boyfriend.

But after I calmed down, it was still good. I had an awesome time. It's been worth waiting four years to see them!
0 Comments
Mood: coming down.
Song:: Weight Of The World - Evanescence

imaginary Evanescence concert!! Jan 15th, 2007 12:41:37 am - Subscribe
Yeah, it's been forever. Oh well. All I can say is:

EVANESCENCE TOMORROW!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Oh man. Ahhh! I will never again be the same.

I will post pictures if possible!
4 Comments
Mood: Excited!!
Song:: Lacrymosa - Evanescence.

imaginary gah Nov 29th, 2006 12:24:34 am - Subscribe
...I won't go;
I won't sleep;
I cannot be
until you're resting here with me...

[from Here With Me by Dido]
1 Comments
Mood: [I can't live without you.]
Song:: Here With Me - Dido

imaginary Lest we forget. Nov 11th, 2006 7:35:15 pm - Subscribe
In Flanders fields, the poppies blow
between the crosses, row on row,
that mark our place; and in the sky
the larks, still bravely singing, fly
scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead: short days ago
we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow;
loved and were loved, and now we lie
in Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
to you, from failing hands, we throw
the torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die,
we shall not sleep, though poppies grow
in Flanders fields.

- Major John McCrae, 1915
2 Comments
Mood: reflective.
Song:: Spies - Coldplay

imaginary Musings of a Hatrack. Nov 1st, 2006 6:32:32 pm - Subscribe
5.17pm
Happy November.
Today has been a(nother) long day. But October is all done. I went as Circe for Hallowe'en, but obviously hardly anyone got it. She is a sorceress in Greek mythology who traps Odysseus on her island, but she's not really all that obscure (or so I thought).
Anyway, it was fun. I wore a nice black dress.
Ever had that feeling that whenever you tell stories people just tune out, because they couldn't care less and it's only funny or interesting to you anyway? Yeah. I've been getting that feeling a lot lately.
Sooner or later... I am going to learn to just shut up. Someday.
I swear to God it isn't PMS, but everything feels that way lately: futile. I just might as well be a hatrack for all the use and conversational value I amount to. And I know I'm not supposed to voice this (no one is) but today I've honestly felt like I ought to have a bag over my head and duct tape over my mouth.
Bah.

5.28pm
And I just hate how I'm not supposed to feel this way. I hate how whenever I voice that I feel about as useful and appreciated as a deadweight in a horse race, I'm told all the reasons why I am not allowed to think like that.
Which isn't exactly helpful, if you know what I mean.

5.32pm
But I have a whole bunch of little tiny Crunchie bars. Which helps a lot, in my opinion.
2 Comments
Mood: stormy.
Song:: The Last Song I'm Wasting On You - Evanescence

imaginary and welcome to it. Sep 24th, 2006 12:31:00 pm - Subscribe
11.07am
Drinking Pepsi for breakfast (without caffeine) and currently listening to Evanescence at full blast.
God, I love it when no one else is home. It's when I actually feel like myself.

11.11am
I wish...

11.13am
No one can ruin my day right now. That's because I'm not talking to anyone! Not really, I'm just in a good mood. I just want to go on doing what I'm doing now. It is called relaxing. Everying ought to try it sometime.

11.18am
Oh man, last night was amazing. I'm so lucky. So happy.

11.19
I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down - I'm gonna put it six feet underground.
(Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head)
Do I have to take my meds today? Everything is going so well. But I feel a headache coming on.
Sigh. I'll take them.

11.29am
I love life. I do. Really.
Was there ever any doubt?

11.30am
Vancouver in FIVE DAYS!!!
2 Comments
Mood: so happy.
Song:: Allemande - Keane

imaginary I want to be Sep 20th, 2006 12:31:12 pm - Subscribe
I want to speak French, Italian, Latin, Spanish, Greek, Italian, German and Setswana fluently and with a perfect accent.

I want to be the one who understands anything and everything.

I want to always speak my mind and my heart. I want to be known for my words.

I want to be beautiful from within.

I want to be educated.

I want to personify light and love and the spirit of the world.

I want to be someone who is admired for my mind and my heart.

I want to be important.

I want to be unique and intriguing.

I want to well-read and informed. I want my opinions to be interesting and persuasive.

I want to sit down at the piano and play any piece imaginable; to create - to release that wave of sound too great for any room to contain from my fingertips.

I want everything I write to be eloquent and well thought-out.

I want to be singled out for my literary or visual-spatial skills.

I want to be bold and respected.

I want to always keep my awe and naivete. I want to be an adult but remain childlike in my outlook.

I want to tell stories so that people will want to listen and to laugh.

Is it too much? Am I happy enough just being me?
1 Comments
Mood: open.
Song:: Perfect Time of Day - Howie Day.

imaginary philosophy Aug 19th, 2006 7:17:55 pm - Subscribe
5.44pm
So I'll never be worth anything to you. Why do you feel the need to impress that upon me every time I'm anywhere near you? Is it any wonder I hate it when I have to live a week of my life here?
It's been less than twenty-four hours. It's the only few days I'm even going to see you this month. Why the hell can you not just pretend that you like me?
Why'd you have to ruin my day? Why can't we get along for just a weekend at a time?
Why won't I ever be good enough for you? You ruin everything.

6.00pm
Anyway. Aside from that, I'm in a really good mood this weekend. Last night my boyfriend came back unexpectedly from B.C. and I got to see him, which was so awesome. It was a very nice evening. I get to see my best friend tomorrow - we're going to the Fringe! (Calgary has a Fringe?!)
It will be fun.
Work was good this last week as well. Thursday was amazing. I love my kids so much. There is this one boy in my group - I could rave about him for hours. We're not supposed to have favourites, but he's mine hands down. He's just beautiful with long red hair that falls over his face and big blue eyes and the sweetest smile. Just one of those smiles and my day is made. He has to wear a leg brace because he's got hip displasia, so his legs are kind of twisted at an angle. But he still runs and plays and is so cheerful and sweet. It'll be so hard to say goodbye. I love him like I love Valerie. I get so attached.
Anyway. On Friday I basically spent the day gambling my job with all the other leaders. At lunch Bev sent John and myself to find a bucket of sidewalk chalk (John because he has a car and drives and me because I know where the Wal-Mart is). So we drove off to get it, and spent half an hour before concluding that no one sells sidewalk chalk in mid-August. It was sort of fun, but we could have gotten in a lot of trouble. I feel bad for it now.
But it was a crazy day. I had a bucket of water dumped over my head at one point (and my notebook, iPod, backpack and assorted belongings). It was fun though.
ONE MORE WEEK OF WORK!!
And then I'm free! I'm taking the Greyhound to Sycamous for a week to stay with my boyfriend and his family. I'm looking forward to it so much. Ahh! I can't wait. We can forget about all the little issues and just be together. Happy.
I'm pretty happy.
Things are good.
0 Comments
Mood: good.
Song:: Behind Blue Eyes - The Who

brandiiiii A new start.... Aug 17th, 2006 12:23:43 pm - Subscribe
I can't believe summer is almost over. Less than two weeks until school starts. I'm more nervous than ever. But I'm determinded to make this school year fun. Last year, being my first year in high school, I just did whatever. And I found out the consequences to my actions. Yes, it just may be another year of drama, but as long as its not about me, I could care less. I have my friends beside me, to guide me along the way, and thats all that matters. I'm so excited for this year, and so is alot of other people. Maybe this year is going to be different. I know that a year ago today, I was a different person, and looking back, I can tell how much that I have changed. I have learned to have self-acceptance in myself, and to love the person within. And I am truely happy with myself. And I think that is what is going to make this year different. And I can't wait to finally bring out the real me. And lets just say.



This is only the beginning.
0 Comments
Mood: ambitious

imaginary Damn. Aug 8th, 2006 8:45:59 pm - Subscribe
7.33pm
Bloody hell.
I am faced with a decision. I must choose one of the following options:
- Option Number One: Go to party where I am largely unwelcome with people I don't know and hide in a corner while everyone gets drunk.
- Option Number Two: Stay home alone with my heart hurting. Worry about my friends, cry, lie awake all night imagining everything awful that could have happened.
God damn it. I hate it. What it boils down to is to figure out which is worse - that is, going or not going. It is becoming fairly clear that my ideals and I are not welcome at this party (ideals such as not drinking). Generally I am no fun. And I'm scared. And there won't be anyone around to protect me, as far as I can tell.
But damn.
Damn.
Damn.
I can't stay home that night. It will kill me. I have to be there, because even though I can't stop bad things from happening, at least I won't be living a nightmare at home in my bed. At least I'll know for sure.
Damn.
Help.
1 Comments
Mood: trying to shut down my brain.