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brandiiiii Somewhere between.... - Subscribe
Somewhere between the procrastination the homework the friendships & the nasty cafeteria food the calls to old friends the i miss you`s, & the i love you`s & the what are we doing tonight`s somewhere between all of the changing and growing & the skipping classes the studying for tests & the downright not studying i forgot i forget what it meant to cry . . . i forgot that pretending to be happy doesnt make you happy. i forgot that pretending to be smart didn`t make you smart. & that pretending to be ok doesn`t make you ok. i forgot you just can`t forget the past in fear of the future. i forgot that you can`t control falling in love. & that you can`t make yourself fall in love. i learned . . . i learned that i can love. i learned that it`s ok to mess up. & it`s ok to ask for help. & it`s ok to feel like crap. i learned that it`s ok to be alone. i learned it`s ok to complain & whine to your friends for a whole day. that somehow they`ll make it better. i learned sometimes the things you want most you just can`t have. i learned that the greatest thing about high school isn`t going to be the most popular or going to parties. or drinking -- not even the hookups. it`s the friendships, which means taking chances. i learned that sometimes the things we forgive & forget are the things we need to talk about most. but basically, i learned that my friends, old & new, are the most important people in the world.
2 Comments
Mood: sweet

brandiiiii As summer slips away.... Jul 31st, 2006 12:43:17 pm - Subscribe
Woah. I can't believe summer is almost over already. I would def say that this was the best summer ever. Besides this past week. It def has stinks. Last Thursday, I was sitting on my bed, (which is pretty high) and I went to slide down, and my right leg hit the ground before left one did, and my knee popped, and I couldn't walk on it, so then on Friday, I went to the doctors, and they said that I shifted my knee cap and I've been on crutches and in a knee immoblizer. It def sucks. Because I'm a very active person, and I love to go out and do things, and it sucks being stuck here.

I'm just trying to make the most of the last few weeks of summer. I have alot to do before school starts. But I'm def looking forward to it.

Well, I'm off to do...something. I'll post pictures later.


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2 Comments
Mood: bleh
Music: But It's Better If You Do; Panic! At The Disco

imaginary maps Jul 23rd, 2006 11:38:28 pm - Subscribe
9.12pm
It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been a bit preoccupied.
Things are good. Work is going well (ish). We'll see, though. I have the oldest kids this coming week, and so far they've been pretty awful. But as long as I don't allow them to realize that I'm fairly terrified of them, everything should be fine. It's just kind of weird, though. Some of them are about three years younger than I am, so I feel like such a fake telling them what to do. But I will try to rule with an iron fist.
Yeah. I've been writing a lot of poems lately, which is a nice change. Oh! I got two maps for my room! One's a map of Canada, and the other is of the world. I put them on my wall, and I love having them there so much. It's just an awesome feeling, like I'm keeping watch over the planet. I can decide where I want to go, I can see where I've been - it's awesome.
9.18pm
So a few minutes ago I was reading a blog on here, the author of which will remain, er, anonymous. All in all, I don't like the blog very much, but it made me think.
If I had to introduce and describe myself to someone I had never met, this is how it would like sound: "Hey, my name is Ailsa. I'm sixteen years old and I live in Canada. I love to write, and I draw flowers all over my school work. I want to go into Design at ACAD. I love trees and fish and photography. My favourite band ever is Evanescence. I've been dating the guy of my dreams for about a year and three months, and I work as a daycamp leader at Killarney Pool. Sometimes I'm sad, but I'm happy with my life in general."
That would be me. That is almost exactly how I would say it or write it, if that much detail was required. Nothing left out that I can think of.
But at no point do I mention the one major thing that sets me apart. It just never occurs to me to tell people right off the bat that I have A.D.D.
And I'm always so surprised when other people do! Because I just never think of it as something important for anyone else to know. There's stuff about me that I consider much more strange and interesting than simply having Attention Deficit Disorder. It's not because I'm afraid of what people will say about it, because I've been there before and it's okay. It just kind of makes me flustered when people announce it at the start. Is it really that important?
What bugs me is when it's used as an excuse for doing the wrong thing. That is one thing I hate.
9.36pm
Anyway, I'm off for now. Just thought I'd let you know I'm still alive.
3 Comments
Mood: bewildered
Music: Egypte - Cirque du Soleil

imaginary fortune Jul 13th, 2006 9:30:30 pm - Subscribe
7.17pm
I figured out what's wrong with me. This is headline news, everyone. I finally realized what my problem is.
It's difficult to pinpoint with words, though, so I will just say that now I know what it is, and I will try to fix it.
7.24pm
At any rate. Mel and her family came for dinner and we had Chinese food, and I had a fortune cookie and the message says this: The furture seems far away right now - so focus on the present. Very appropriate in a lot of ways.
Not much else to say, I suppose. Tomorrow I'm going to see a concert! For the very first time, sadly. I hope I won't be squished to death. It's Our Lady Peace, and I'm going because they're playing at the Stampede. And because I'm tired of waiting for Evanescence to hurry up and get to western Canada, because it looks like it's never going to happen. Sigh. But yes... I'm looking forward to it. I think. I'm kind of scared.
That's all.
2 Comments
Mood: apprehensive.
Music: Slow Motion - Third Eye Blind

brandiiiii Just another day... Jul 11th, 2006 12:32:32 am - Subscribe
So, today I actually felt like a sophomore. I did some school shopping, with my mom. Its kinda weird. I've really changed my perspective on life. Since Erica pasted away, I've been trying to make sure that I make the most of life. People say your life flashes before you eyes when you die, I want to make sure mine is worth watching. I'm trying to make sure that I do everything I can to make the world a better place. Just to help out people when they need it. Things like that.

So tomorrow is Erica's viewing. I'll be going on Wednesday, but I'm not sure if I'm going tomorrow. I want Darren to come with me, I just would feel more comfortable if he were there. I guess its just a personal thing.

So I'm starting to get the hang of the this Aeonity thing. I'm kinda second guessing it though. I honestly don't know why I made it. Its not like anyone will read these things. Gahh.

Well one of my new myspace pictures. It reminds me of Erica, being that she passed away on the 4th of July.


4 Comments
Mood: whatever
Music: Your Call; Secondhand Serenade

brandiiiii So what a day... Jul 11th, 2006 12:11:10 am - Subscribe
So I found this site, and I decided to make one. I don't know why. I guess I have nothing else better to do with my time.

It finally hit me that Erica is gone. Yeah, I know her and I weren't best friends or anything. But she was such a great person. Always happy. And everything. I know that is going to be missed by many people. She was a very loved girl. So many people wished that they could be like her. And all it takes is one time. Just having fun with a friend, and then it turns into a terrible tragedy. I know that she is off to a better place now.

Rest in peace, Erica Pemberton. <3
0 Comments
Mood: emotional
Music: Panic! At the Disco

imaginary All fixed! Jul 10th, 2006 12:02:30 am - Subscribe
9.57pm
I'm all better now <('o')> I think I'm ready to face another week. This one will be better.
I'm happy. The hole in me is barely there right now. I'm convinced that it will be healed in time. I know it will.
I'm so happy.

<('o')>
1 Comments
Mood: happy.
Music: Guilty - The Rasmus

imaginary rain Jul 6th, 2006 10:18:07 pm - Subscribe
5.43pm

All day long, it's been
threatening rain.
The clouds hung
in the sky,
waiting.
Like me.
Just waiting.
Now the waiting is over.

The rain beats against my window,
driven by the wind.
Tree branches slap against
the roof of my house.
Lightning flashes
thunder roars.

I watch from my window,
wanting my waiting to end
as well.
0 Comments
Mood: bad.
Music: I Must Be Dreaming - Evanescence

imaginary Come home... Jul 4th, 2006 7:55:50 pm - Subscribe
5.14pm
Why am I here? Why am I writing this? Why...? I can't really write anymore, I've found, though I'm sure next Saturday my inspiration will return (I hope he will, anyway). I sort of expected to be a little more... inspired or emotionally rewarded by my job, but to be honest it's just been draining these past two days. The kids keep their distance from me, which makes me secretly very sad. I guess I'm a grown-up now. I'm one of 'them'. And really, it's true. I've spent so much time organizing and nagging and bugspraying and sunscreening and averting chaos that I have not spent any time just enjoying the kids' company.
Goal Number Two: Enjoy my time at the daycamp. Find ways of solving potential problems ahead of time so that I needn't yell so much. Get to know the campers.

5.23pm
Also! What is with this sign on my forehead which obviously says "TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT!"...? I know it's there, because even though I can't see it, apparently everyone else heeds it. I'm serious! We have these volunteers at the camp, and while they seem to be nice girls, in several ways they are a pain in the... head. The girl who's with my group this week is okay in some ways, but she just annoys the HELL out of me by taking charge of the kids. You know, it's good to have someone else around to help out and give me a few ideas, and I totally don't resent sharing my Power of Leadership (very much). But sometimes she just kind of takes over like I have no clue what I'm doing! Which is completely uncalled for, because though I am new to this job, a) I have shown no obvious discomfort or ineptitude; b)she's as new as I am to her job; and above all, c) I AM BEING PAID! THIS IS MY JOB!
For heaven's sake.
5.37pm
Yeah. There are a few kids that I just love, though. The younger ones are still my favourite. Next week I'm with the youngest group, which should be fun as long as I don't murder any volunteers.
And as long as no one else crayons the mirrors and walls in the yoga room. That was pretty bad. I will find out who did that, and they will be rather sorry.
It's no coincidence that two of the volunteer girls were from my group of Pathfinders-From-Hell a couple years back (sorry, I'm still on the volunteer tangent).
5.41pm
I miss you. Hearing your voice last night has ultimately made it harder to be without you, but it was worth it anyway.
I don't want it to be a sad summer! >.< That's one reason why I chose to work and stay here for the whole time! Aughh. I really, really hope Starbucks is hiring. And soon. Otherwise... it's going to be a really long summer... >.<
Anyway! I wonder if my hair will turn green from the chlorine. It's already quite a bit lighter in colour.
I hate being sad. I need a plan.
5.46pm
The Plan:
- Get positive attitude.
- Maintain positive attitude by deep breathing.
- Make friends with kids in group. Avoid speaking to volunteers when not required to effectively avoid the desire to kill them.
- Focus all attention and energy on kids. Where else is it going to go? I'm asleep on my feet as soon as I get home anyway.
- Sit with kids at snack and lunchtime, or else sit alone at lunchtime.
- Have. Some. Patience.
5.51pm
Such is my plan to avoid total mental collapse this summer. I need to enjoy what I do, and that means that I need to enjoy spending time with kids, which means I need to enjoy their company. Which I will learn to do with some time. And patience.
The volunteers, I feel, will remain a separate story.
5.51pm
At any rate, I feel a little bit better now.
Goal Number Three: At least write one thing somewhere every day.

I love you; I've loved you all along...
0 Comments
Mood: drained.
Music: Far Away - Nickelback

imaginary oww >.< Jul 3rd, 2006 7:22:41 pm - Subscribe
5.09pm
God, my voice hurts so badly. I've been yelling all day long.
That is my job. I yell at children under the age of 12. All day.
"Everyone into your swimsuits!"
"'Kay, guys, let's make a circle!" [A CIRCLE, GODDAMNIT, NOT AN IRREGULAR POLYGON!]
"Who wants to do another game?!"
...and so on.
5.20pm
SIGH.
Have I mentioned that I miss you?
0 Comments
Mood: grr.

imaginary -.- meh. Jul 2nd, 2006 10:12:58 pm - Subscribe
8.05pm
Lost will to write a blog lately. Lost will to speak in complete sentences also.
Did not take my meds today. Am C-R-A-Z-Y as a result. And tired. And hungry.
Didn't enter poetry contest. Long story involving father not wanting me to. Am currently too mad to even think about it. So disappointed.
Miss you so much >.< the opening chords of your song play inside me constantly.
Start work tomorrow. Joy.
Am all alone. What a weekend. Happy birthday, Canada.
Another flaming june dies in a sky on fire.
8.11pm
Am going to bed. Night.
0 Comments
Mood: empty
Music: Footsteps Left Behind - Ambience.

imaginary Poetry for contest (tomorrow O.O) Jun 30th, 2006 8:59:29 pm - Subscribe
6.54pm
- map.
it's raining
outside her window
in the far North.

she's at home
alone,
but dreaming

of a place
where the wind
shimmers with heat

and the trees
remember
our earthly origins.

outside her window,
far away in the North,
it's raining -

but she is
wandering the desert
beneath the sun.


- c i t y .
I am a city.

In your wake lay
my tall, strong walls
in ruins.

Drawing a map
of my interior
and learning to navigate
these wind-washed roads,

you unravel me slowly.

My towers fall to you,
one by one;
my armies now
under your command.

To the garden behind gates,
at the centre of me,
you journey.

Be not fooled by
a broken compass;
stars misaligned.

You'll never yield
until to you
I surrender

with every voice.

By nightfall,
to you I've given in:
all of me is yours.
My doors lay open.

To the victorious
belong the spoils of war:

I am a city -
you are my conqueror.

...More later. Dinner is calling to me.
2 Comments
Mood: all aloney
Music: something techno on the stereo

imaginary Half. Jun 29th, 2006 7:55:36 pm - Subscribe
5.26pm
Sigh.
I'm okay. Really. But how can one human being hold so many things inside at once? Miss so many people at the same time?
I'm half a person. It's hard to believe that no one notices that I'm walking around with this huge hole in me. You can't see it so well from the outside, but I'm always conscious of it, as though the air is moving right through me.
I love this song so much.
When I am with you, I am more than half. It may be that I am never whole, but every moment that I stand beside you, the gaping emptiness in the centre of me is reduced to the size of a dime.
When I am with you, I can believe that I will be whole again eventually.
Yeah. So. I'm feeling a little bit lost, slightly alone and basically empty. I miss you. I'm glad I at least have your voice to listen to.
5.44pm
I guess I'm going out for dinner to 'celebrate' the end of school, for what that's worth. I'll just keep my mouth shut, I think. It's better that way - safer. No arguments tonight; that would about finish me.
I'm going back to see the counselor again tomorrow morning, but it's really just to prove the futility of it. I don't know what that helps, actually. Nothing. But I know there is nothing she can do about my family or me. She's nice, though. It's worth it to go there just so that she can confirm that this is not all my fault.
Spent the day downtown with my friend and her sister. It was cool because we took the train down there, and I never take C-Trains or Metros or anything unless I'm in another city. So I felt like this total tourist in my own town! I probably looked it, as well, as we were on a photography jaunt and were stopping every twenty seconds to take pictures of signs and buskers and lamposts.
I loved feeling like a tourist, though. I've never spent any time on Stephen Avenue before. It just captivated me.
I've been so many places, but this one is my favourite of all. I love living in Canada.
Yeah. I guess there's this poetry contest that I was going to enter. The entries all must be postmarked by July 1st, so I had better get going on that. I forgot all about it. Tonight I will put some of the prospective entries on my blog.
Anyway, I guess I'm off.
2 Comments
Mood: I miss you.
Music: Footsteps Left Behind - Ambience [on repeat]

ladyraine poem 3:On and On Jun 29th, 2006 11:51:33 am - Subscribe
On and On

The sunlight crawls across your sleeping figure.
I close my eyes,
And pretend I'm there.
On a green lawn where you've never been,
But I paired you with the moment I saw it.
The gorgeous oranges and vemillions
Collide in the sky,
Creeping down to touch the marina.
I breathe the scent of Douglas Fir,
As I rise and walk barefoot on the sidewalk,
Savoring the roughness beneath me.
Your gentle grasp of my tiny, chipped-polish palm
Is like holding a tiny star;
Fire and hope held between our mismatched hands.
The sound of our footsteps together,
Is half the tempo of my heartbeat,
And with the wind playing in the trees,
They make a beautiful rhythm,
That I just want to go on and on.
2 Comments
Mood: touched

ladyraine poem 2 Jun 29th, 2006 11:29:32 am - Subscribe
Broken

Okay here we go again
I guess we all break every now and then
But I cant see you go
By now you oughta know
All I ever want to do
Is be in love with you
I never thought it'd hurt this bad
I know there's no point getting mad
But inside I can't help dying
Look at me and you know I'm not lying
Lookat me and I know you can see
I want more than just your hand on my knee
All I want is to be yours
I clutch my heart as its life-blood pours
'Cause without you I can't go on
Without you I'm just the world's pawn
An empty shell with nothing inside
A stupid girl who went along for the ride
And got dumped out on the way
But somehow the pain won't go away
Pain that remains unspoken
But doesnt change that I'm broken
0 Comments
Mood: deep

ladyraine First Poem Jun 29th, 2006 11:15:17 am - Subscribe
First of the Last

What do you say when everything is gone?
When everything you think or even feel is wrong?
How do you explain your loss of trust,
When the sword of your mind is covered in rust?
If there's nothing to lose, there's nothing to need,
And the look in your eyes is impossible to read.
If there's nothing to take, why should you give?
What is the point of life but to live?
If you must hurt, do it with art,
Because you might as well beautifully break your own heart.
Is it life when you're living a lie?
Why is pain greater when you cannot cry?
If you must fall, do it with grace;
Let the tears shine brightly on your face.
What good is pride when thre's nothing to be proud of?
What good is sympathy when push comes to shove?
Make an honest wish when you see the next star;
Your next true love might be just as far.
Why is ice cold when it burns like fie?
How is a heart strong when it twists like wire?
Don't let go of what you hold dear,
Not just good things, but pain and fear.
What are you without your past?
What are we but the first of the last?
2 Comments
Mood: comfortable

imaginary dream and die. Jun 26th, 2006 6:56:28 pm - Subscribe
4.20pm
I'm just so out of it today.
I hate dreams. I hate it when I wake up and I still think it's real. There are times when sleep is not worth the pain and confusion of waking up and the sorrow that hangs over me as a result of my subconscious thoughts.
Everything is in black and white except for the sun.
What colour is the sun? Well... white, I suppose, as far as I can tell without looking for too long. Then how do you know that the sun is not also in black and white? You're right. I don't know.
Everything, sun included, is in black and white. I am a faded photograph of myself.
Doesn't love me anymore? What do you mean? I'm sorry. I didn't want you to get hurt, but you're just too difficult to love. Despite try after try, you make it too hard for anyone to be with you.
Words emerge in full colour. I press 'delete' again and again, but they won't go away, printed in bold red letters across the faded photograph of myself. A title, proclaimation, a brand: TOO DIFFICULT TO LOVE.
My head is spinning and tears are causing the ink to run. I am washing myself away.
I awake, tears still falling fast.
4.33pm
I'm finished grade ten! FOREVER! YEAHH! <('o')> And I've handed in my form for Ecuador, despite repeated selfish protests from my wallet. I really hope they pick me.
Three weeks, though. That's such a long time to be away from home. I'm not ready to think about that part yet.
4.36pm
Wrote this about a year ago. Sorry about messed up line breaks and so on.
Oh, and it's dedicated to Tamiko, because she wanted this one dedicated to her.
-
Between earth and sky I have stood for many years.
did you ever look up
away, past all the world
and there find something else
which causes you to wonder why you looked?
it is a feeling
But not a thought -
like waiting for the sky to fall
when the clouds are gone.
collapse and give up
but whatever else you may
do not let yourself dream -
To search is knowledge but to find is foolishness.
LIVE to live to fight to live to live to die.
in the beginning
it simply wasn't.
Can you understand this?
there must be something
Wrong -
we live to live
live to fight
fight to live
and live
to die.
There must be something wrong
with your mind.
I have stood for many years
Between earth and sky.
to live, to live, to live...
...
I waited for the sunrise
But the sunrise did not come.
I waited for the signal
Though I knew that I had missed it.
I searched for the answer
And I found that I knew it.
Run
and run
and run
You have lost your chance.

I waited for the spring to come
But time went on without me.
I waited for the end of night
But the earth has ceased its turning.
Scream
and scream
and scream
They hear you.
I hear you.

Starlight, star bright
First star that I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have this wish I wish tonight.

Can you hear me?
...
Listen now.
time is wearing thin
too thin - almost transparent.
We have not much time.
gather close, spirits of dusk and dawn
do not make my mistake
do not let yourselves dream -
This story begins with a world
and ends with a wish.
I fell into a dream, once
and left my soul unguarded
and while my eyes were blinded
my soul opened concealed wings
And it flew out the window
of my open mind.
Do not turn away
Dusty volumes, ancient pages
The web is not yet spun.
Reality -
for what it is -
has never
been the same for me
ever since that day.
I must tell you
you must understand
Why we live - live -
- to live to fight to live to die -
before your life
has ended.
Listen
now.
Another chapter has been written.
-
That's stream-of-consciousness poetry, or freefall. I sort of like it. I think I've grown since I wrote that, however. I apologize for all the line breaks. I don't know how to make them smaller, as an HTML-idiot (I will not say the word. I will not say it!).
As before, helpful comments are appreciated. Probably more than before, actually.
4.53pm
How can one prevent oneself from dreaming?
2 Comments
Mood: worn out.
Music: Building A Mystery - Sarah McLachlan

imaginary Revised! Jun 25th, 2006 3:59:22 pm - Subscribe
1.40pm
After much debate, both inner and outer, I have decided to edit my poem. Here is the more recent draft, just 'cause (tee hee).

I am not
alone, because
I have you here with me.

Every dawn, a light
through a broken window.

Every day, remembering
I need not fear the dark;

so never
will I stray too far,
because I depend on you.

Never will I
lose my way;
I cannot stay
away from you.

I struggle to undo
all my foolish words;
the things I've said
time and again

but wish you
had not heard.

At every dawn,
when light finds me
it leads me back to you,

and never will I
stray too far,
as I belong with you.

1.51pm
So that's how it looks right now. I think it has improved, due to the helpful opinions of fellow bloggers and writers. Thanks!
Goal Number One: Learn how to take and interpret and apply criticism to my writing.
1.53pm
Today I'm in love with the world. It's an interesting phenomenon. Everything seems to be working out just fine.
Best part of my day so far: as I was riding my bike home about half an hour ago, I sneezed on my way past some houses. I nearly swerved off the road, in fact. Then I heard this little voice call out "Bless you!" and there was this tiny child standing in his front yard, not more than three years old. I called back a thank-you to him and then grinned the rest of the way home. Just made my day.
2 Comments
Mood: happy.calm
Music: All I Know - Five For Fighting

imaginary belong with you. Jun 23rd, 2006 5:59:49 pm - Subscribe
3.48pm
Not alone,
not alone because
you're here with me.

Every dawn, a light
through a broken window.

Every day,
a star in whose warmth I walk;

but never
will I stray too far,
'cause I depend on you.

And never will I
lose my way,
because I can't stay
away from you.

I struggle to undo
foolish words;
the things I say
and say again

but wish you
had not heard.

And every dawn,
when light finds me
it all comes back to you,

and never will I
stray too far,
'cause I belong with you.
5 Comments
Mood: >.<

imaginary Photoshop for Lives. Jun 23rd, 2006 5:37:00 pm - Subscribe
3.26pm
Damn it. I feel the need to write a completely irrelevant rant.
I wonder if there is a way to pinpoint the exact moment when one's life took a turn for the worse. Not that it would help so much, because no amount of agonizing would fix it. They totally need to make something that allows you to review your decisions and life-altering events with a critical eye in terms of cause-and-effect and make necessary changes. I think if I had the ability to do that, I would probably edit out whatever caused me the inability to deal with fellow human beings.
Why the hell are introverts so rare? Why am I always Type Two to what everyone else is?
On a side note and possible tangent, why are people who like to keep to themselves always labelled as "emo", which is not even a word?
When you boil it all down, which I probably do too frequently, I don't even want to be an extrovert. I'm pretty happy when I'm in my own company. That's something of value, right? It doesn't make matters any easier.
0 Comments
Mood: conflicted.
Music: rain one - Cirque