Living Life Sideways
Date: Jul 12th, 2006 12:22:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ok
Music: smile empty soul
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Living Life Sideways
Current mood: Amused, Tired, Bored, In pain, calm, hyper, crazy,
Category: Blogging
saw a movie today, made me think alot.
what would life be like if i replayed it?
am i really happy with how its turned out?
well yes and no. i mean i think about the friends ive made, the parties ive been to, the mistakes i overcame, the boys, the good times, the bad times. Im not happy with it. But right now im happy. I have lots of people that care about me.
During this movie i was watching there was a lovey dovey mushy scene, i thought of george. I miss those times, it was fun and exciting. Even though he hurt me badly in the end, I would never want to take those experiences away.
I mean there are some things i would change. I would love to erase my 11th grade year from my life, but that would also mean erasing a newly made best friend and erasing a once great love and i just couldnt do that.
Life is full of experiences to go through and chances to take.
"Not everything has to be bad, cant there be good times too" is what i used to say to myself. Yeah there can be good times, it just takes time. but do i really have to wait "Life is full of waiting"
so in other words life not only sucks but it also blows
so another thing i was thinking about. Yesterday well techinically the other day a friend asked me if i still love george. I was thinking about that alot today, especially during this movie. I really dont know the answer to that question. I mean yeah I do love him and he will always have a place in my heart, but i dont know if I LOVE LOVE him. I think ive just accepted the fact that we have both moved on with our life. I love him as in the love for a friend. Its weird to think of us as anything more.
I mean...hes george lol ...enough said...
But yeah so i was also thinking, i have a friend of mine. Ive got a little bit of a crush on him. Which actually i kinda like a few people and none of them are serious but yeah hes one of them. Pretty sure he kinda likes me too. But anyway i was thinkin, if he asked me out, what would i say? I mean i love the single life and i dont want to give it up yet but i dunno relationships are definately nice. Either way i still will have all the benifits if i ever want them, lol that sounds horrible. Anyway, i would probably respond with a good ole fashion, "ummm i dunno"
haha bringing up that subject and things that ive noticed and would like to rant about, NO i dont want a boyfriend, im not trying nor am i looking for one, if i dont call im sorry, normally I DONT CALL PEOPLE, im not good at returning calls either, nor am i good at returning myspace messages right away, i dont answer my phone alot either, i dont like to answer it when im with my friends, which is pretty much all the time, jsyn i cuddle with lots of people, i like to cuddle it makes me feel good, if i cuddle with you it doesnt necesarily mean i like like you, but i wont cuddle with anyone, im weird about that, also dont become obsessed with me, its just going to annoy me, i have enough stalkers, another thing, watching me sleep is both weird and wrong, and dont worry about me not wanting to hang out or not wanting to be your friend, i do want to be your friend and i do want to hang out, i just dont know when we can hang out, i am a very random person and i like to do things at the last second, im impulsive and indecisive, and if i say no to something i mean it, normally i do at least, there are those certain occasions where i dont but then ill let ya know if that happens.
more thoughts ive been thinkin are lifes been an interesting ride, theres been alot of twists and turns, i definately feel like im living sideways, if anybody has any idea what that means lol, i didnt expect things to turn out this way but i figured they would. im back to being somewhat my old self whatever that is, i dunno but i kinda like it.
Ive decided that i need to stop growing up for a while. Since i was 16 all ive wanted to do was grow up and get a job and work my life away. eh fuck that, i need to be a kid while i still can, why do i need to grow up
and then i was also thinking about random times in my life, lets just blurt a few of them out, ill try to keep it clean ~_^
-little me walking around in the yard shirtless with my karaoke singing to the beat of my own tune that i love my underrooos
-getting bucked off the horse at trevors house and eating platefulls of cottage cheese
-hehe simon says with brandon c
-ms stack haha man everybody hated her i cant believe she still remembers me
-playing keeper and refusing to get off the soccer field when andrew dunn broke my wrist on a penalty kick which i blocked btw but refusing to get off the field bc i didnt want them to score
-curwood weekend laying down under the tree at the middle school with a very cute boy, hands definately busy, as the cops walk up and ask how everything is going and if were alright, fine we reply as we laugh histarically while they are walking away, then back to business
-tawas, in the middle of the road, laying on our bikes with sleeping bags and pillows watching all of the shooting stars
-dude, what the fuck does that stop sign say, dude i have no fucking clue, yeah we probably shouldnt be here right now, ooo look boys ^-^
-parties at rhondas, locking downstairs, hiding the wine, tackling me while i sit indian style on the baby gate so you can take my drink, bleep, punching in the face to see bleep, fighting, ill never let go
-stripping on the soccer field
-slurpee runs
-late nights at ops, cuddling and making out in my car
-laying in the middle of the road with a cute boy while watching the stars
-rough break ups, new beginnings, secrets
-sneaking out to meet up with a cute boy out past his curfew, late nights, going for walks, laying down in the neighbors driveway, cuddling and kissing, watching the stars, talking, lots of smiles
-sittin down at the creek at ops, boy walks up "im sorry" i sit there breaking and throwing sticks "you could have told me, i wouldnt have been mad", boy hands me note it reads "i love you"
-watching cute boys play in a band onstage
-sitting there, knowing its over but not wanting to go through with it, loving him and knowing its not worth it
-fights that i already knew the truth and his lies were not working
-living on a promise from him
-broken promises
-losing a cute boy to what i knew was already going to happen
-bad break ups, lies, better new beginnings, new friendships
-falling asleep in a cute boys arms and waking back up still in them
-lots of kissing and cuddling, ^-^
-omlettes at 4am
-no sleep early meetings
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so anyway im done with my blog, you can be done reading now, you dont have to leave comments but you can, its always fun, if we have had some good times you should definately leave me a comment on here explaining it, good times are great to read and relive.
<3heather
-songs-
Story of the Year -and the hero will drown
Smile Empty Soul -your way
Comments: (1)
Update and a few recent blogs that i posted elsewhere
Date: Jul 12th, 2006 12:19:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ok
Music: story of the year
so yeah i have been posting blogs on my myspace so thats why this isnt updated. i will post the a few recent or close enough so you have a feel of how everything is going. btw my brother is doing great now, ^-^
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Friday, June 16, 2006
So here i am, or more or less there im not.
Current mood: discontent
Category: Blogging
So this is what were up against
im taking a break this weekend. Im getting away from life. Im ignoring my phone and not answering most of my messages. I do occasionally txt message though. Im currently in owosso but I hope to not be staying here tomorrow. I just need places to go. Im sick of the same old rutine. Im sick of the schedules. Im sick of only being there at peoples convenience.
So here i am, or more or less there im not.
I need to decide what direction i want to go in life. I need to know if this path i have chosen is the correct one. What is going to make me the happiest. Im certainly not happy now. So far Im not happy with my choices. I enjoy the place i have chosen to live at but i feel that chris is the only one who really cares that i am there. I am not happy with my college choices nor am i happy with my career choices. I want to go to a university, not some lame community college. I want to get at least a part time job but no luck there either. So here i am in this world where i am not happy with any of my choices, what do i do?
Im thinking about going to a university and living in a dorm. That could be the beginning of my new life. I just dont think im really sure about college right now. I mean i want to go but im shaky in my decision of career areas.
Ive become better friends with everyone. Tim and chris and rachel are pretty much my best friends in lansing. I havent seen tim in a while so that sucks, i havent seen rachel in a while either. chris and i have been swimming and playing alot of guitar hero and we talk and stuff and it makes me happy. sarah and i have been hanging out and thats been alot of fun too. im kinda sad that i didnt hang out with her today but its my fault cause i wasnt answering my phone. Maybe i will get to hang out again soon. i hope so. Gordo and i dont really hang out either, i miss him. Shaun and i talk alot but lately i feel like im just avoiding the owosso crowd. I talk to jake alot, just about random stuff but hes fun to hang out with. Michelle and i dont really hang out except for a few times but i wish we did. George and i are still shaky but i know it will get better. I just dont know when. My life with friends isnt too bad.
So yeah im looking to get out of my old rutine so if you want to hang out let me know. It may cost gas money to see me for you owosso/wheverever people but sometimes thats what it takes. I will also come out and visit you. Its not like im not in owosso half of the week anyways *hint* but anyway im looking to return to my old self. For those who only know me around george, im really not that shy. Im alot different when im around other people. Im not always pissed off either, well i take that back, i dont show that im pissed off as much when its just us, well oh whatever i think you get the point. But yeah im looking to get out and have fun so yeah if you dont have my number then ill give it to you, and for those who do have it give me a damn call some time. lol.
Why does the rest of my life feel like it just sucks. i mean it really isnt that bad. I have all of these great things but for some reason i just want to give it all up, move far away, and start a new life from scratch. I guess im just not ready to settle down into a structured, scheduled, rutine crappy life. I want some excitement. I want to be happy. I want to be able to experience more than what i currently have. I want to be a kid again, im only 18 i dont need to be grown up yet. I just want to live and be wild and crazy like the good ole days.
But yeah so anyways i just need to get away and live my life. I need to stop worrying about such petty things. Please allow me this time to straighten out my life.
thank you
heather
Currently listening:
The Melody And The Energetic Nature of Volume
By Evans Blue
Release date: By 21 February, 200
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Monday, June 19, 2006
So he cheated on me, lied to me, and now im single
Current mood: Pissed Off
So yeah I break up with george last saturday. he cried and got all
upset. so then we are going out again 10 minutes later. so im like wow i guess maybe he does care. then tuesday he goes and makes out with michelle AGAIN. yeah your just a fucking liar. you didnt really care did you. you just wanted to make sure you have your new toy michelle strung along so you didnt have to be alone. i knew you didnt really love me and i knew that you had something for michelle. why did you have to be such and asshole and lie all this time. and so here i am trying to be friends with michelle and i actually considered her a friend and she goes and does this and lies about it to me. oh no i dont like george in that way and i wont do anything with him BULLSHIT YOU FUCKING LIAR.
I mean i was ok with breaking up and him being a cheater and a liar and everything until i look over at his phone and he has a picture of him and her on the main screen when you open it. you didnt even have the fucking decency to change that. what an asshole. i hope hurting me makes you happy bc you obviously dont care how much you do it.
So yeah you and michelle both put your comments to has to be approved, nice. affraid im going to comment how your a FUCKING CHEATER AND BOTH FUCKING LIARS well everybody is going to find out whether its through me or somebody else.
George How do you expect me to be friends with you? You lie to me constantly, you cheated on me, you lied about cheating the first time i asked. You broke my heart and you broke my trust, not that it matters to you since you have your new girlfriend michelle. Plus real friends talk to each other and hang out, thats the biggest problems we had in our relationship. how do you expect to have a friendship when you never wanted it to begin with.
the sad thing is that we could have made this work out. before michelle came around, things werent great but we were actually working on them and we were getting better. then she shows up and you stopped working on them. you completely stopped trying. we had a chance to make this work, you just decided to quit and move on without telling me.
I hope you guys have a great fucking life
-heather
***so yeah i need a little advice
what do i do now?
do i move out?
do i be friends with him?
do i ever trust him again?
should i forgive him?
i could use your opinions
heh yeah and next month would have been 2 years for us, nice huh?
Currently listening:
The Melody And The Energetic Nature of Volume
By Evans Blue
Release date: By 21 February, 2006
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Saturday, June 24, 2006
He asked how I cared. I told him i love him and i hate it.
Current mood: sad
Category: Blogging
I was doing well, until yesterday. I just for some reason broke down. and its continued on to today. I miss him. I cant help it. He still means so much to me. I told him last night that i was moving away, out of his life. He asked why. I told him its bc i care and he doesnt. He says he does care. I told him not like how i do. He asked how I cared. I told him i love him and i hate it. I wish i could stop but i cant. Its not that easy.
He meant everything to me. Not having him just tears me apart inside. Then knowing that michelle only wants him for a fuck buddy makes things even worse. I know he deserves it but i still never want to see him get hurt. I hate that i care about him. I wish i would have ended it all earlier when i had the chance. I thought it was worth it, i made the mistake of thinking he cared. I was wrong. Dont get me wrong, I dont regret the past two years. I just regret the decisions that I have made. I regret falling for all of his lies, letting him go with her all the time, giving him chance after chance when i knew it was all over. I hate myself for believing him when he made those promises to me.
Im still mad at him for all the lies he fed me, and she fed me. Im still upset at the fact that he cheated one me. Im more upset that I lost the one person I truely love. I tried to keep it going, thinking that i wasnt good enough when all along he wasnt even trying. So here i am now. Breaking down over a boy, never thought id see the day. No wonder I never understand how others felt about this. I never understood how people could get so incredibly upset and or hurt themselves over a boy, i finally get it.
Occasionally when things get rough i think of this line that i once saw "Love at Last Death" I always wondered what it meant. Sometimes I can see it, but other times i think there is more to it then that.
I believed him when he said i love you. I hate myself for ever thinking he loved me. I cant even say goodbye on the phone bc I know that he wont say it to me anymore. I wouldnt want him to say it now anyway. He doesnt mean it. He told me he feels absolutly nothing for me and he doesnt love me. It really hurt to hear that.
So what do I do now. Im on the edge. Now I decide whether I leave or whether I stay. If I stay, we can be friends and I live in torture. If I leave, Im moving outta state and will never see him again. Which one is worse?
Note to self: Sometimes Its just not worth it.
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Wednesday, June 28, 2006
randomly yeah this is my update on life
Current mood: bored
*10*
randomly yeah this is my update on life
*9*
so yeah no idea what was up friday and saturday. I dont know why i was so depressed. It all happened after the fight with george. He left me on the note that it will take longer to be friends bc of nick and sarah. Which made no sense to me bc they have nothing to do with our friendship. It pissed me off and got me thinking. But thanks to my friends *cough*David and Nate*cough* i felt alot better saturday night or maybe it was sunday i dont really remember.
*8*
But yeah so things are good again. George and I are friends, i think. Im staying in lansing, for now at least. I would be sad without my squishy...oh yeah and my friends too lol.
*7*
and yeah Speaking of friends. Ive been meeting alot of new people and ive been having alot of fun. I swear life is so much more fun when your single. I mean being in relationships is great too but you really miss out on alot. I can finally have fun and not have to worry my fluffy litle eyes out. relationships are too complicated and drama filled.
*6*
oh yeah george and michelle are dating now, thats good. although if she breaks his heart im going to be pissed. even though he may deserve it, i still care about him and never wish that upon him.
*5*
anyway yeah life is going well. I still havent filled out my fasfa for college, definately should do that soon. I need some moneys for college cause im poor. ok not that poor but i dont even have a job right now so im poor enough.
*4*
omg yeah and jeremy finally got a car and is comming to see me ^-^
*3*
again yeah i do miss george, but not as a boyfriend, i miss the cuddling and i miss the hugs and kisses, most of all i miss him. he was a big part of my life and i dont want to lose him even if its just as a friend.
*2*
well yeah so things are going good and ive been alot happier so thats always a plus. i really need to work on making decisions cause all my friends suck at it so i mean at least one of us. speaking of working on things i also need to like be able to organize my plans cause they overlap like crazy but i never was a good planner anyways. Im more spontaneous. I like to just go with things. Spur of the moment on the spot right then and there, cliche crazy
*1*
...yeah i guess im outta things to talk about. i think i will go outside for a smoke now
*Blast off* yeah
*note to Nate* yeah once teleporting devices are created you are going to sneak out and teleport to my place so we can rock out and have hot pockets while we watch movies cause movies just arent fun to watch alone huh.
*note to David* yeah you have the best myspace names, i wish i was penguineese like you ^-^
*note to Erik* yeah i forgive you and am always going to be friends with you, time makes friends drift apart but friends are friends and something like time isnt going to make that change
*note to George* yeah good thing you didnt hit the kitty, i would have been sad. haha hope your spare tire works.
*note to Joel* yeah so i heard a little rumor lol no joel i did NOT have sex with jake, sorry to dissapoint you.
*note to world* yeah haleys birthday was yesterday (6/27/06), and if you did not wish her a happy birthday, im very dissapointed in you and you all suck
*dances in triagles* yeah triangles cause circles are too common
<3heather
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Quote of the day
"Between holding hands and falling in love...you begin to learn that..kisses dont always mean something...promises can be broken...just as quickly as they were made. And sometimes goodbyes are really forever"
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Songs in my current play list
Diary of Jane -Breaking Benjamin
Disconnected - Trapt
Favorite Song - One Less Reason
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Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Life is about the simple things that make you smile
Current mood: okay
Category: Blogging
so today went fine. woke up, got online, played guitar hero, had a "house meeting" with george and chris, smoked a cigarette, got back online, talked on the phone plenty of times, went out for chinese with erik (my first friend in lansing who i havent seen since december), got back online and on the phone, went to nates place, met his parents, went to owosso, steph didnt answer her phone so called up gordo, went back to the parents house, saw the puppies, ate some golash (sp?), drank some wine, watched some tv, then drove back to nates, then back to my apartment, back online, took 3 new myspace pictures, talking to a bunch of random people, posted this blog.
So pretty much today has been fine. I never really celebrate holidays anyway.
major thoughts of today have been
1.Life is about the simple things that make you smile
2.Relationships- Why do I even bother, boys are stupid, but i cant help myself
3.Challenges- life, self, job, colleges, army/navy/marines
4.And sometimes life really is black and white
5.When do you decide you are good enough for yourself
but yeah besides all of that. Ive been thinking. Life is so much easier when your single. I can go out and have fun and not have to worry about making people mad. Boys are complicated and Girls are drama, just cant win there.
Im just enjoying the simple things in life. not really interested in jumping into a new relationship but if one comes along i may just take a stab at it. Pretty much i plan on being single for awhile, lol if thats even possible.
And since ive been asked so many times the stupid question "what is your type?" I guess i could some what fill you in. Im complicated and I like and dont like alot of things.
1.Im a sucker for a Sweet Guy
2.Gentlemen behavior is important
3.Dedication to something (sports, band, ect)
4.Has a liscense and vehicle to drive whenever/wherever
5.Personality- nice, funny, outgoing, open, HONEST
6.Looks- short hair, dark hair, taller than me but not drastically
7.Likes to cuddle and hold hands
8.Has a Job or is going to college
9.Respectful and Responsible
10.Romance is pretty much impossible to find but i love it
so yeah, thats the story of my life so far...yeah i know im lame
<3heather
Comments: (0)
Life... still sucks but its not bad
Date: Aug 21st, 2005 9:49:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: bored out of my eyes
Music: silence
So yeah i havent blogged in quite a while. Nothin really to blog about. Currently im just sittin here drinkin my strawberry daquiri and thats about it. Just bored out of my eyes ya know, the usual.
Ryan- Good News is my brothers doing great., Bad News is he just got his court date. I swear he just cant win. Hopefully he wont go to jail. He probably will though. Other than that he appears to be doing quite well. He even has an awesome girlfriend. Well today he went and had the tests done to see if the kid his x girlfriend has is his, they say we wont know results until a month or so. I really hope its not his. I mean there is WAY too much stuff going on in his life. He doesnt need anything else to happen to him.
Me- As for me im doin pretty good. I decided that i am not going to take my psycho meds anymore. Why? Well im sick of the headaches, dizzy spells, ect. Im just sick of it all. And why should i take them when im feeling pretty good. Nothing too bad has happened in quite a while so whats the point of taking stuff thats just going to make me feel like shit. The only problem with not taking the meds is that my moods are going CRAZY i mean one second im happy the next im sad and then im extremely pissed off and dont even know why and then im sick and then i feel fine and then im starving and then im full and its SOOO ANNOYING. But im sure that it will go away soon. Hopefully i dont drive my friends and boyfriend crazy bc im like this. hell i drive myself insane so why wouldnt i drive you insane. but im feeling pretty good other than the headaches. I swear i can never stop eating though, im always hungry. The meds i used to take made it so i was barely hungry but since im not taking them im always starving.
(i used to be always hungry b4 i took the meds, its just annoying)
Job- well tomorrow is my last day working for OPS. Its sad but it was going to happen soon anyway. I had to quit bc i am moving soon and didnt want to waste the gas on a poor paying job. but it was doin what i love so it sucks that im not workin there anymore.
Living- it seems as if i live at georges house right now. Of course i dont ACTUALLY live there but im ALWAYS there and i stay there EVERY night. Its cool with me though. Its hard to sleep at home. Within the next 2 weeks i want to move to lansing with george and kyle. George already has a job lined up.I seem to be the only one who is actually looking for a house/apartment. I keep printing off papers full of house information on a variety of places. But no luck so far. I found one place that i think i like. I called and left a voice mail. Hopefully they will get back to me soon. Ill try calling again tomorrow after work.
Job- I cant get a job until i move. I have an opportunity but i wont be able to know for sure until i move that is. So if anyone knows of any good jobs for college kids around Lansing then send me some info. yeah like thats gonna happen but i figured id say it anyway
School- i paid for my college myself. Drained a huge 2000$ hole in my bank account doing so but it had to be done. I start LCC on august 25th, cant wait yet wish i had more time. Its kind of exciting, in a here we go again sort of way
George- Its been a little over a year that we've been together, and its great. everything is going well, i love him.
and thats about all i can think of so far
mmk time to watch degrassi
anyone want to go to a movie with me saturday, doesnt matter what movie
-over-
-heather
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