salanderh's Aeonity Blog

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salanderh So this is my life, i dont want to hurt anymore. - Subscribe

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Id rather not put anything personal on here but i just really need someone to talk to and nobody around so i figured id be stupid and type here instead. ---i have a hard time staying on topic---

♠ Ok so ive been kinda off again lately. There is alot of family issues going on. Im really worried about my brother, hes going through and EXTREMELY hard time right now. The parents are only making things worse, for both me and him. They just sit there saying out loud, "geeze our family just cant win its just one fuck up after another. First heather has to go and mess up herself and the rest of the family and now ryan has to do the same thing. I dont know what those kids' problems are. I cant believe they would do that stuff, they are so stupid." Yeah thats going to help parents, nice job making us feel like failures.

♠Thats ok i guess, im used to feeling like a failure. I mean i cant even refrain from hurting myself, yeah at least ive made a HUGE accomplishment by stopping... ya know... but i never stopped hitting things. I just get so upset or mad that it drives me insane and i just start hitting things, harder and harder until blood is everywhere and my hands are bruised and swollen. Its scary when you cant tell yourself to stop. Some of you understand what im talking about, but im sure most of you think you do, but you DONT, not unless you've been through what i have been though. Whether you were on the inside of the problem or the outside of the problem, you can only know if you were involved. At least i dont think about the knife as much anymore, and my triggers have lowered themselves alot. I still think about that stuff more than i should though, at very least a couple times a day. Sometimes i even dream about it. I dont like those dreams, they are immediate triggers.

♠ Right now i am really triggered so thats why i am typing this up. Im not sure exactly what to say. Most people dont know about the knife and the other problems. I dont like people knowing, they take it in the wrong way. To sum it up basically i had a bad year, did some bad things, messed myself up pretty bad, wanted to die, almost did, im stacked on meds, and i am still struggling with everything else this world has to give me. Maybe im just affraid of what everyone else will think or say. Its bad enough most of my family and friends treat me WAY different. I just want to be happy, i just want to be ok for once, but its just not that easy for me.

♠ George is great, I love him. I worry about him alot. I never want to lose him. He means everything to me, but i dont like to get close to people, i usually back away about 5 months or more ago. We have been together for 10months now. He has helped me get back up on my feet and i appreciate everything he has done for me. He is always here when i need him and hes always trying to make me happy, hes the best. I dont know what will happen if we break up, im almost affraid to know. Im not very confident in myself, i have low self-esteem. I often wonder why anyone would even like me in the first place. I am a SUCKY person, a sucky friend, a sucky girlfriend, a sucky sister, a sucky daughter. I just suck at everything.

♠ Life isnt all bad right now though, its just not all that good. Its so empty. I eat, sleep, shower, work, see george. THATS IT. Every fucking day, its all the same. I need some change, some excitement, a good suprise, ANYTHING GOOD to happen. Instead all i get is bad things happening over and over. Either its happening to me directly or to my brother. I just cant win, its the story of my life. I just dont want to hurt anymore, i dont want to feel bad anymore. The only things i ever feel is hurt, angry, depressed, empty, alone, down, confused, impulsive, and most of the time im happy when im with george but happiness is so hard for me. I can be happy for a little bit but then i bounce back to reality. I may look happy but its not real, its just a mask. Then as soon as i am back alone by myself the mask is broken, shattered, just as the world appears to me. Sounds fun huh. I lost my whole train of though while i was trying to type this. At the bottom of this i have placed a quote and song lyrics, read them, they are very important to me. They relate to everything about me, can you see it, its hard not to.

♠ I guess all i can say to everyone is... IM SORRY.
Im sorry i can be who you want me to be, i cant do what you want me to do, i cant live the way you want me to, i cant act the way you want me to, i just cant do anything right. Im sorry im such a failure.

-over-
-heather

- I Love You George -

Quote:
"The battle of life has given me scars outside and within. Both scars are left hidden but if you really knew me, you would see how hard it really is to hide within the life i have chosen." -heather

Song:
Chalkline - Strike Anywhere

1 Comments
Mood: depressed
Music: Silence

salanderh Im sick of these bad dreams - make them go away Jun 9th, 2005 9:47:47 pm - Subscribe

Monday, June 06, 2005

They seem to be comming more often now. I used to dream all the time then suddenly they stopped. When i started taking my sleeping medicine i would have a variety of dreams each night. Then i quit taking the meds and they went away but now they are back again. I love to dream. Dreaming is an escape from reality. The dreams i am having right now hurt as soon as i am back in reality. After I wake up I hurt all day, and sometimes longer. Should a simple dream cause this much pain? Here are some of my most recent dreams and no they are not in order. I dont remember which comes first.

1. My Boyfriend and i were driving with his niece somewhere and i got out and started walking to some park and hes niece went with me and was like, "hes going to break up with you" and i was like "what why is that" and she just said she didnt know and that i should talk to him so i went to the car and started talking to him. we both sat their in silence and then he said "heather, we need to break up" i asked why and he said "heather, i love you...but" and then i woke up.

2. I was in a club listening to a band play. The lights were dim and the place was crowded. I walked outside to get some fresh air. My Best Friend followed me out there. I stopped in a parking space between two cars and my best friend came up behind me and put his arms around me and stuff. I looked up and said "This time you've crossed the line" then i flipped him over my shoulder and threw him on the ground and kicked the shit out of him. Then after he was really messed up i turned around and walked down the sidewalk into the club, my hands were dripping in blood. I walked in and sat in a high table. The guy at the bar brought me a drink. People kept comming up to me talking and asked about my hands but i didnt talk back. Then somebody sat across from me, and an evil feeling filled the air. Before i got a chance to see who it was i woke up.

3. I was at my boyfriends house in his room talking to him, telling him i have been thinking about cutting again, its been really bad and i really want to. He looked at me and turned around heading upstairs. I followed him upstairs and stopped once i hit his living/family room. I stood looking out his window/doors. "its just so hard not to" i said to him all he said back to me was "dont." in a very mad voice. I looked over at him and he reached for one of the large sharp knives. He began carving my name into his wrist while i yelled to him "STOP IT, DONT, PLEASE, STOP" but he continued to do it until it was finished. I was crying. I went over to him and held on to him and said "You know im going to do it now, i have to do it" Then i stared at his wrist for a few seconds. I reached over for the knife and then i woke up.

4. I was in a combat video game setting. I was shooting a shotgun behind a large boulder. Behind me there were three other people hiding from the action. I threw my shotgun over to the guy closest to me that was helping me protect the three people. I grabbed a faster shooting gun. We were killing people, when i saw a little kitten run under a link in log looking thing, it was about 3 feet tall. I put down my gun and ran after the kitten. I finally caught the kitten, picked it up and held it in my hands, then snapped its neck, looked at it again, smiled and threw it on the ground. Then i woke up

5. I was in a cave video game setting with my boyfriend. We were talking and then he broke up with me. I started crying and stood there for a few seconds watching him run away from me. He ran into a maze in the cave. Then i ran after him but after a few minutes stopped. I sat down and started to cry. Then i woke up.

6. I was at georges house in his room. His house was in 4D space style. I had to go from room to room and destroy everything. I got badly injured. After i destroyed everything i went back to his room and destroyed myself. Then i woke up

7. I was sitting in my room on my bed. I had a knife by my side. I wanted to do it so bad. I kept thinking of ways to hide it. What everyone would say if they found out. The look on georges face when he found out. I was thinking of ways to do it. And how good it felt. I was thinking about the horrible things that were to come of it. I was thinking about how i would end up in the hospitol again. Then after thinking about all of these things i ripped off my wristbands and took the knife to my skin. Deep cuts were made and blood went everywhere. I fell onto my side, crying, holding my wrists, and saying "How could i do this to myself again." Then i woke up and realized i was holding my wrist and i freaked bc i thought i really did do it. i was checking my wrist out but there was nothing there. it was just a dream

8. Im always having dreams about george and i breaking up. I guess its just because Im affraid of losing him. I finally get something good going for me and i dont want to lose it. My psychologist says i have those kind of dreams and panic attacks because im affraid to get close to people and im affraid to let myself feel happy. Im always in protective defensive mode. I dont want to keep having bad dreams, especially these specific dreams.

9. All of the dreams i keep having are about death, me hurting people, me hurting myself, george breaking up, losing things important to me, sadness.

I just dont want to hurt anymore. Everytime i have one of these dreams i wake up feeling like complete shit all day. It drives me crazy. I want to be happy. I shouldnt feel bad by something thats not even real. I mean it didnt actually happen so why is it still affecting me. I hate this.

-over-
-heather

1 Comments
Mood: hurt
Music: Silence

salanderh My Anger & Hitting Problem Jun 9th, 2005 9:48:42 pm - Subscribe

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I know I have an anger problem and I want to do something about it. i cant even refrain from hurting myself, yeah at least ive made a HUGE accomplishment by stopping cutting but i never stopped hitting things. I just get so upset or mad that it drives me insane and i just start hitting things, harder and harder until blood is everywhere and my hands are bruised and swollen. Its scary when you cant tell yourself to stop.

Some of you understand what im talking about, but im sure most of you think you do, but you DONT, not unless you've been through what i have been though. Whether you were on the inside of the problem or the outside of the problem, you can only know if you were involved.

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Here is something I found online that I think will help:
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Question:
How do you stop yourself from getting so angry so easily and how do you stop yourself from hitting things

Answer:
The first step in breaking a habit, is knowing that you have a habit. It is important to develop self-awareness as to the reasons for your anger. One helpful technique is to keep a daily journal of anger situations and one's reactions in that anger. You will start to notice patterns in your anger, i.e., more stress on a certain day of the week or even a certain time of the day. You may notice that your anger is only with a certain group of people and/or in only select situations. As you become aware of the underlying issues of your anger, you can work on those issues and thus gain more self-control. The issue of hitting things is typically learned. In the recent past many were encouraged to "express their anger". This expression was seen in the yelling out of the anger in encounter groups, hitting pillows or even punching bags. The problem became one of learning to link hitting with anger, not a way of managing or controlling one's anger. To stop hitting things, one needs to find alternative ways to deal with his/her anger. These are taught within the ACT program, i.e., learning to understand your own anger, empathy, self-talk, relaxation skills, time-out procedures, proper use of humor, communication skills, assertiveness, problem-solving and the use of forgiveness.
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I want to to feel better and stop hurting physically and emotionally.
Im going to need help from other people, I know I cant do this by myself and im NOT going through any more Anger Groups!

Just please try to understand and try to be here for me. Im going through some rough times and I like to be alone when I feel like this. I cant trust myself not to hurt other people. I mean I hurt myself so what happens when someone else is there. I just want to stop hurting. I hope you all understand. If not then Im sorry.

-over-
-heather

- My body begins to fill with Anger and I no longer have control...

0 Comments
Mood: numb
Music: Silence

salanderh Thinkin ... As Usual Jun 10th, 2005 12:02:02 am - Subscribe

I swear i feel so damn emo these days. I dont even know the meaning of happiness unless im with George. I have to go put on a show for people to make them think im happy just so they will leave me alone, sad isnt it. Im always feeling like complete shit. Im not doing a very good job at hiding it either. I guess i just dont want to have to hide anymore. After reading my myspace friend Liz's Blog, i have decided that i really do not want to have to hide anymore. I want to be myself, or at least try to be. Yeah i know i have these scars that i am extremely ashamed of but im always going to have them so i need to deal with it. Not many people know about them, i keep them hidden under my wristbands. I dont want people asking questions and treating me different. Its bad enough my family and friends treat me different bc of it. But I DONT WANT TO HIDE ANYMORE. I started taking my wristbands off more. When im in the car by myself or george's car, and when im alone with george, when i go to bed, basically when nobody is around. Its still hard for me to even look at them, i dont want to remember all the bad memories. It hurts to think about it. I need to get through this stuff. I havent cut in 1 yr and 3months. I am very proud of that, but i still hit things which is still considered hurting myself which is what i want to stop the most. And i want to do something about my anger problem as i said in a previous post. Im just affraid that things are going to turn out like last year. Im affraid of myself.
-

-Things with George are going good of course. I keep having bad dreams though, break up dreams. I talk to him about it and he assures me that everything is ok and he loves me. I just worry. He is the only good thing i have going for me. I dont want to lose him. Its been 10 months and normally im not good with relationships. I dont want to screw this one up like i did to the others, yeah yeah i know it wasnt all my fault but still. Sometimes i wonder why he is even with me, im always so depressed or mad, its gotta drive him up the wall. I mean who wants to be with someone who is sad all the time, i wouldnt want to be... well i guess it just depends on the person. I know i shouldnt worry, i know he loves me. I just care so much that its well i dont know. I just Love him and dont want to lose him. I dont have to worry about that, I love him He loves me, and things are going good so why worry, im not going to. Or at least try not to.
- my family- is stressed out as hell.
-My dad is a GM worker, he goes back the 15th (FINALLY!!!) He doesnt really want to. All he was doing is complaining today. I dont want to be around when hes like that.
-My mom seems to be doing ok, shes stressed out about my brother, my open house and me.
-My brother is hopefully doing ok, but i dont know for sure. I dont talk to him much. Neither of us are ever home. Im always at georges and hes always at andreas. He just turned 21 on the 6th. We renewed his liscense and registration and then my dad and him went to the casino. After my brother got out of the hospitol i guess he decided he was going to stop drinking. He is an alcoholic, a bad one. I think he is going to start going to classes for it. I know he has to go talk to someone now, like i had to when i got out of the hospitol. I look up to him, i just want him to be happy.
- My little sister is doing ok...probably. I dont talk to her much. All we do is fight but occasionally we get along. Im a sucky sister, when i get pissed off at her i always say stupid things like "why dont you go die or something." i know i shouldnt say it and i dont mean to but it just comes out. I dont want her to die. I would be incredibly sad, as i would if it was my brother. I wish i wasnt so mean to her. We were good for a while, like after i got out of the hospitol. It lasted a long time but the more stressed depressed pissed off i got the meaner i got. I dont want to be the person who i am becomming. I need to change.
-The rest of my close family i dont talk to very often. I try to talk to krysta, i miss her. But most of the family doesnt like me anyway. Someone told them what i did to myself last year and now most of the family gives me the cold shoulder. Nice Family huh?
-Work- well work is going ok i guess. Its boring as hell. I sit there and do tutorials bc i never have anything to do. Ever since kraig left things in the office have sucked. We finally have 2 more clients for me to do through work, although id get paid a shit load if it was on my own. So im actually going to have stuff to do!!! thats good. I mean i even leave the office early, I NEVER used to do that, i used to stay WAY LATE. I get to work 20hrs/week now. which is better than 15 but still sucks. I would have more to do if they gave me more time. Plus i only get paid a very sad $5.75 per hour, which is what i started with a year ago. The boss is gonna try to get me more hours and possibly $. I really need it.
-This Summer- Well in July or soon or whenever its supposed to be, im supposed to be moving to lansing. Im going to go to LCC for a few years then i might transfer. Im going to choose classes on Monday.
-As for a job, im quiting my job in owosso and getting one in lansing. I have talked to a few places and may be able to get one but its not for sure. Other than that i dont know what im doing yet. I want to continue in my field but ya know i have to do what i have to do to get by.
-As for Living, i will be living with george and a couple other people. Hopefully it will go well. Im a little worried about it. We want to Either Rent or Buy a house. We should start out renting or rent to buy or somethin. Buying right off the bat is kinda stupid. We NEED to find a place though. i mean time is flying buy and we have to do somethin about this if we are going to make it work. Since there will be more then just me living there it will be easier to pay, although i dont really wanna live with a bunch of people. I have enough money to start off with plus i have my open house June 25th. I really need to buy a new computer for web design. I might buy that with my open house money and the rest will go to college and living. College is going to be mostly paid for.. kinda. I have my 2500$ scholarship and my 1500$ GM college money. That is going to help out EXTREMELY.
-Pets- my cat shadow had kittens and george got to keep one. My other cat got an abortion

We took her in to get fixed and i guess she had kittens inside so she got an abortion and then fixed. Thats sad, my poor No Name (that is the cats name.) Oh yeah and one of my birds died last week. That was sad to but it didnt affect me for some reason.
-Jeremy- my best friend from 7th grade got ahold of me last week by email. He moved away in 7th grade and i used to see him a couple times a year but then i havent seen him in like 2-3 years. I miss him. He was supposed to move here for his senior year but couldnt. It sucked. He is doing really well though. He is a MAJOR computer guy, he is REALLY smart, and he already has a 12f college credits and hes going to ferris state. Its just been so long. I miss him, he was my best friend, and almost more at one time. My best friends always seem to move away. Jeremy, Richard, Steph, Becky i could go down an extremely long list.
-ME- as for myself and how im doing... im not sure what to say. Im not doin the greatest, of course i say im alright but im not. I dont want people to worry about me. I havent hit anything in a while. Ive wanted to, oh have i ever wanted to, it was bad. BUT i didnt and thats the important thing. Im always so damn angry and depressed and what pisses me off even more is that i dont even know why. Its bullshit. I mean you'd think i would know why i was feeling that way. Everytime that i get pissed off ill be really pissed off and a couple minutes later i completely forget what i was mad about but im still EXTREMELY mad even though i have no reason to be. I do alot of thinking and thats what keeps me down. Things were better when i just didnt care about anything. I felt better and i wasnt so down all the time. Now i just worry about everything. It sucks. I really wish i could talk about this to people, especially george but its so hard for me to talk, thats why im trying to resort to writing so at least he can read it and know somewhat whats going on. I try to tell him everything i can and im VERY honest with him but i want to talk to him and explain what is wrong or why im crying or whatever. I cry alot more than i used to. I NEVER used to cry and now i sit here and cry myself to sleep almost every night. Im sick of feeling this way. I hate being alone at night bc i know im going to feel like this and i know what will happen when i try to go to sleep. I need to hold something when i sleep, ive always been that way. I have my fish

but i feel better and sleep better when someone is there holding me.

Im sure all of my blogs are a complete shock to most of you guys. As eminem puts it:

" I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy!
My insecurities could eat me alive."

And of course Smile Empty Soul says this just perfect as well:

"No one knows the way I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am"

And then another Verse from Smile Empty Soul which puts this very well:

"And everything seems great and everyone is fake
No one really knows you
Look into their eyes
Rip off your disguise
Let them see the real you"

I used to be good ole happy-go-lucky heather and now im just a fuckin psycho.

-over-
-heather

1 Comments
Mood: damned
Music: My Eyes Burn - Matchbook Romance

salanderh 2 entries: Well this one is for George. > I hate when i fuck up. Jun 13th, 2005 4:26:36 am - Subscribe

1. Title: Well this one is for George.
1. Mood: Calm, with a Huge Headache. Is that possible?

Hello Lover

This blog was created just for you. First off I wanted to tell you I Love You

-just so he cant say "i never said that" i just thought i would mention that i dont remember his exact words, just the general context-.

This is why I was mad:

its stupid really, i just have been really off lately and things have been setting me off really easy. I stayed the night at georges, and had a hard time sleeping and it was really late so i dont know why i couldnt sleep. Our alarms started going off at 3:30 or somethin, i was wide awake at 4am so i didnt have much sleep. I went home at 5:30. I spent the whole day with my family and they drove me insane. Then george called around 2 or 3 or so and said hes gonna call richard hang out with him so i was stuck with my family FOREVER. He ended up going to flint to the mall. Accoriding to his blog it says he got ditched by some girl when he was there, i found that funny.

So after having to be with my annoying family forever i went home and i went back to the computer and george called and said i should come over at 9 bc he had to do a few things. and i told him ive got a few things to do first so then ill be there. I called him later and asked what movie he wanted me to bring bc i forgot. He told me the movie and then started begging me to get pizza and breadsticks for him and he said he'd pay me back but he never actually does. He kept using the if you love me youll do it I didnt have much gas and i really didnt want to go and i wasnt hungry either but i love him so after a few minutes i gave in. So right after i got off the phone with him i drove out to little caesars and bought him his stuff and drove to his house. On the way there i see him brit and some girl (forgot her name) they were walking her home. So i show up to his house with his pizza and breadsticks he begged for and hes not there. He saw my car when i drove by so he called me. I was like umm i have your pizza where are you. He said i should go inside and wait till they get back and then come pick them up when they call me or just wait inside till they get back and they will walk home, stuff like that. I was like no the pizza you begged me for will be cold. Hes like awe im sorry, come pick us up and bring the pizza. and im like no forget it ill just go home or go somewhere else bye and then hung up.

So i went out bought the pizza he BEGGED/GUILT TRIPPED me into buying for him, showed up at his house and he wasnt even there. Then he wants me to waste the gas that i dont have in the first place to come pick him up bc he decided to walk this girl home instead of driving her. I know i probably shouldnt be mad but its just the fact that i feel like hes using me sometimes. I mean the day b4 he called me up and asked if id pick him up from that girls
house, i think her name is ashley or nicole or nancy or something. Im not sure, its some girl from myspace, some fans or something. Shes pretty cool, i think lol. So i went and picked his ass up. And hes always asking me to get him food, like his 6$ meals at mc donalds or wendys or his 8$ subs or whatever. Im tryin to save up for college and a house and everything else it the world so im a little stressed out. And he never listens to me and Im just aggrivated by alot of things.

I left his house, drove around for a little bit, headed out to burton corners put the pizza on top of my car, ate a couple slices although i wasnt hungry and drank a rootbeer while leaning on my car, by myself. A friend drove by and i talked to him for a long while then i talked to the lady at the counter for a while. I talked to her about george the whole time. Even though i was mad i never told anybody i was, i covered for his ass anytime somebody asked me where he was. I just pointed towards town and said hes that way taking somebody home i think. I didnt want to tell everyone that i was pissed off at him and i didnt want them to think hes an asshole or anything.

Then i headed home grabbed my inhaler went to the bathroom then went back driving. Then at 1150 i called him, i was going to go over there but i figured id see if he was sleeping already so i call and he has nick and sarah over and i really didnt want to be by people bc i was having a shitty day already and i had the biggest headache in the world ( i have a really bad problem with major headaches/migranes, my mom used to get them all the time ) So i told him ill just sleep at the admin so i pull in there and laydown and im still talking to him, kinda. Somebody was outside with their damn dogs driving me insane
so i decided id just go to his house so i went over to his house and he said he'd meet me outside. So i got there and got the tylenol out of my car took 3 and waited till he got outside. Then i we went inside and nick and sarah slept on the floor and george and i slept on the couch and that was my day yesterday.

I dont know, i know its stupid to get mad over nothin its just well yeah i dont know. Should I have been mad? or was i just being really stupid? or both?

Anyway I guess It doesnt really matter anymore, its over its done whatever. I only wrote this blog because i told him i would. I never told him why i was mad and i didnt feel like starting a fight or anything so i decided it would be better to type it here. I dont care if other people read this, he may but i dont care. It just shows that there are some bad things in relationships, i dont care if there are bad things that happen. I love him and thats all that matters to me, i can never stay mad at him. Thats what happens when you love someone. So one last time I would just like to say, George I Love You.

-over-
-heather

===========================

2. Title: I hate when i fuck up.
2. Mood: defensive yet hurt and mad at myself.

This is the second time i posted this. I posted it up on my myspace blog purposly for him, not to get back at him, just bc i wanted him to know. I told him i was posting it there so he would be able to read it right away. I have taken it off of myspace and placed it on here bc i do not want to fight with him and have either one of us feel like shit bc of this stupid thing. This is my personal Journal/Blog so i figured I would be safe to put it on here, I dont know as many people on here, ok i only know one and i dont even know the person actually, she just commented on one of my blogs so i dont even know if that counts and shes cool anyway so it doesnt matter.

Here are the screennames and comments i recieved from when it was posted on myspace from 11pm-430am:

11:01pm
Kelsey- hey sal. i think its cool that you were able to type how you really felt. i think that if i was in ur position, i would probably feel the same way. i would probably also get mad, so i cant say it was wrong for you to. but we all know that george loves you!! and so do i!! hehe....talk ta ya lata. lyl. kelsey

11:11pm
Kiki- you had a right to be mad-seems like he was really being an asshole... but you're being really mature about it... so you should just make him buy you a ton of candy and call it good.

11:15pm
Sunny- Hey guys are clueless when it comes to women. They do the dumbest things then wonder why we gt mad at them (and they think we're hard to figure out) It does help to write it out. MAYBE he'll read it and understand what he did that ticked you off...But I doubt it "wink"

11:21pm
Alissa- Heather, i think i would have felt the same way if i was in your position, Although i probably would have went to his house and screamed at him in front of everyone, because well... thats just who i am. But i think i have to agree. you were very mature how you went about handling this. But the only reason why you get so upset and mad about it is because you care for him. Well i think i've said what i had to say, talk to you later... <3 Alissa

12:28am
Timberwolves at New Jersey- i dont blame you hun. i prolly would have been much much more angry. he has no right to take advantage of you liek that. he relys on you too much...and you do things that he should be doing. it sounds sexist...and like a double standard, but the guy should but the girl food and take her out to eat...not beg you to, then ditch you to hang out with some dumb girls.

- The blog was only posted from 11pm-4:30am, it recieved about 27 views. -

Yeah he read it right after it was posted and then i headed over to his house and said we could talk about it. He was pissed about it. He didnt want me to post it so the world could see it. He says it makes him look like an asshole, and i only wrote it from my point of view and thats not the whole story and now everybody is going to think he is an asshole.
First thing i want him and the rest of the world to know this I LOVE GEORGE, HE is NOT an ASSHOLE, HE does NOT take ADVANTAGE OF ME, HE TREATS me GREAT, HE IS the BEST BOYFRIEND I COULD ASK FOR!
yes people do get in fights and people do get mad, thats what happens in relationships. that does NOT mean one is an "asshole" or a "bad person." ok now anyway back to the rest of my lovely blog.

The blog was written from my point of view, how i saw it, what i felt. Thats how journal/blogs are supposed to be written. i DO think he was being an asshole at the time BUT he is NOT an asshole. BIG DIFFERENCE. I am glad to have friends that care but one of the comments bugged me ALOT. It was "Timberwolves at New Jersey" comment. The part that says "he has no right to take advantage of you liek that. he relys on you too much...and you do things that he should be doing. it sounds sexist...and like a double standard, but the guy should but the girl food and take her out to eat...not beg you to, then ditch you to hang out with some dumb girls."

He doesnt NOT take advantage of me and doesnt rely on me too much and he did NOT ditch me and our relationship is definately NOT sexist. He does things for me, i do things for him he buys things for me i buy things for him. We try to be somewhat equal, although HE is normally the one who pays for stuff. He didnt really ditch me, we didnt really have plans in the first place unless its talking about when i was supposed to come over. He told me he thought i was going to be awhile before i came over bc usually it is. (on my defense- i told him i was leaving right after i got off the phone, he just forgot)

How my mood is defensive im sure you can tell but why my mood is hurt well... When i went and saw him the first thing he asked me to do was take the blog off, he was really pissed off or hurt or somethin. I felt extremely bad about it. Then this morning when we woke up he shot right over to the computer and checked for comments on it and it had the comments i listed above. I tried to talK to him, i told him i would take it off of myspace. He was really pissed though. He didnt yell at me or anything, he never yells at me. I tried to hold him but all he did was push away and he said a few things and it just made me feel like complete shit. I take things he says to me really hard and that just... hurt. I left, it was raining, he ran out to my car and i gave him a kiss and went home. I cried on the way, i just dont want to hurt him. I love him so much. I shouldnt have even posted that blog, i shouldnt have even written it. If i wouldnt had done it in the first place then we wouldnt fight, thats why im mad at myself. I just hate when i fuck up and i seem to do that alot. I just feel like im not good enough.

-over-
-heather

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Mood: defensive yet hurt and mad at myself.
Music: Silence