salanderh's Blog

Confused- Am I Falling Again
Date: Apr 12th, 2005 10:56:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Confused
Music: Silence

why does this hurt so much. i dont even know what this is. another panic attack i assume but why now.

-i got some good news today, well i think that i think it is good news, or is it bad. im not exactly sure. im so confused. i wish i knew what im really feeling inside.
-My boyfriend and i are doing great. the past few days, after the serious conversations we had, something about him made me feel... im not sure how to describe it. he was so confident and strong with how he said it. it just made me feel like everything is going to be ok. I felt loved i guess, but this feeling was stronger, way stronger. i like that feeling but i wish i could describe for you guys.
-My dads been going to the hospitol for a bunch of tests/surgery things. They found an abnormality in his lung, that sucks but they havent found anything cancerous so thats good.
-Im ignoring my friends again.
-I want to back away again. isolation. i mean its really hard for me to get up and do things. i just want to stay in one spot and dont move.
-Im even thinking about quiting the soccer team, i love soccer but... i dont know. im sick of the constant asthma attacks, the wear outs, the time consuming, the blackout startings, the pain in my ankle. im sick of it all.
-Im just getting over the fact that my brother was sent to the hospital for sliting his wrists and trying to kill himself. I think thats what is holding me down right now. I feel like im the one who did it again, even though it wasnt me. I dont know what to tell anyone about this.
-Its hard for me to talk, but I can actually talk online, i dont know why. I know that my boyfriend is reading these now and i feel kinda shaky about it but i guess it will help him understand since i cant tell him myself.
-I wish he didnt have to leave tonight, as he pulled out of the driveway i started to cry. I had been trying not to all night but i couldnt hold it any longer. I wish he was here to tell me everything is alright or something, anything, it doesnt matter. just him being here is all i need.

I dont know why I even type this shit on here anyway. venting i guess, but its not helping. I need to do some serious writing. my type of writing.
but id rather do something else right now... again...

-Am I Falling Again-

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