Im torn apart inside ...heh... and you actually expect me to function... what a joke that is.
Date: Jul 11th, 2005 9:46:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood: torn apart inside
Music: silence

Well shit, thats about the only way i can think of to start all this off. hmm where to begin...well i guess ill start with my brother

so yeah hopefully things are goin better for everyone else. I swear they will never be better for me. or my brother for that fact. So he decided to go out drinking and hit a tree. His car is totaled and basically so is he. He has a broken collar bone, broken wrist, broken ankle, broken nose, large gash down his face, a couple other broken bones and sprains, and of course scrapes and bruises everywhere, broke both femurs, i dont know what the hell hes going to do with two broken legs, actually they are shattered, not just broken. the bones shot out right through his skin. They had to put pins in his legs and a bunch of that shit. Hes lucky to even be alive is what the people in the hospitol are saying. I just wish he could be ok. Hes never had it easy.

Im not even sure what to type right now. Im basically all torn up inside. Ive been like this since it all happened, which was june 24th. The next day was my open house, it went well i guess. i was hoping nobody would find out about my brother but somehow everyone knew, now since its out i figured id blog about it. Well hes finally out of the hospitol and is staying with some friend who is a nurse. Hopefully that is all going to go well.

its really hard right now, for all of us, not just me. The whole time while he was in the hospitol my parents were fighting with everyone and fighting with him and i got put in the middle of it all. I tried to be strong and i was able to be for them when they needed it but when i was alone i wasnt able to be strong. i broke down, alot, and am continuing to do so. Its just so hard. I want to relieve the emotional pain with physical pain, some of you will know what that means. I REALLY want to, and im affraid that i am actually going to, i almost have a few times. All of this keeps bringing me back down. I keep having more and more panic attacks. and for some reason i cant talk about it at all. I want to talk, i want to tell george, i need to, i need someone to be there for me and help me but how can they help me if i cant tell them whats going on. its hard like that. With my insides torn apart i cant concentrate on anything, i cant sleep, i barely eat, i dont talk much, i dont do anything. its driving me insane. all i can do is sit here and think, which if you didnt know already is a VERY BAD THING. It is messing my entire life up. wanting to... ya know... is fucking with my mind and i cant make it stop, the only way to make it go away is to just do it but if i do then well... back to reliving the nightmare of last year. and i just cant go through that again.

The other thing i was thinking about was how many people actually read my blogs and who exactly is reading them. I mean i write some pretty personal stuff in here, stuff that only a few people know and here i am shouting it out to the world. People who i wish would not read this are somehow finding out about it and reading it, aka family and certain people. Its just going to get me in trouble and fuck up my life some more. I already feel like shit but hey why dont i make it worse is what i feel like im doing. but i really need to talk and the only way that i am able to talk is to write, its the only thing i know how to do. talking about myself has always been something i refused to do but now i have givin in because i know that keeping it all inside is making this worse. so i have 2 choices, i either keep it bottled inside until i explode with a major breakdown OR i can tell someone and let it get spread around to the rest of the world and make things worse and eventually end up back in the hospitol. nice choices huh, i thought so too. well here let me spell this out for all of you who read this so maybe you can understand how i am feeling.

my name is heather, i am 17years old, and i am an X-cutter. Ive gone through alot of problems in the past 2 years. I ended up in the hospitol 3 times for major depression, suicidal, and cutting. I may have quit it all yet i still struggle with it everyday. I have a major anger problem and i dont even know why i am angry most of the time. I like to hit things when i am pissed off, its just another form of self mutilation, so basically that means its about the same as cutting. When i am sad/upset i automatically get pissed off, at what? you would think it would be the thing that made me upset but NO its not, i get mad at myself, EXTREMELY MAD. I do it purposely too, and i know that i am doing it. I have to do that, its the only way to calm down, its not the smartest thing, but im not the smartest person anyway. At least it helps me and thats what matters to me. so yeah thats basically me, now you know. so you can do what you want and say what you want, and if you want to be an asshole about it, well FUCK YOU, i dont need you anyway. Ive got plenty of people who actually care about me, even though it is hard to see somtimes i know that i have at least a few people who care and are always there. Thanks, to those few people.

-over-
-heather

Comments: (1)

Moving on in Life...
Date: Jun 22nd, 2005 9:26:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: confuzzled
Music: Watching Hot Chick

Ive been thinkin about this whole moving thing. Im nervous. Me, george(boyfriend) and his friend kyle are moving to the lansing/grand ledge area. We are going to try to find another person to move in with us. I dont even know this guy kyle, he seems cool though for the whole 2 hours i spent with him. Living with him, i dont know how that will go, i think it will be alright. Im hoping at least. My boyfriend im even a little worried about. I mean i swear he does not know how to pick up after himself and he treats his family like shit. But I love him, he treats me great and i want to live with him. Get this though we are NOT even going to be in the same room. George and Kyle are going to stay in a room together. Living with one another may tear us apart is what he tells me. so he decided that it would be better if we were in seperate rooms. I would rather we all just have seperate rooms or me and george(bf) share one and kyle has his own. but whatever i guess, ya know theres not much i can do about it anyway. We planned on moving at the end of this month and we havent even picked a house yet. At least the two of them went job looking and they are most likely to have a job. I almost wonder if i should get a place by myself. I wish it was just me and george, that would be alot better. I basically live with him right now anyway and i can trust him. so hes not a stranger to me like this other guy. He wants to get another person to move in too. so there is going to be 4 people in the house. Thats too many people. Id rather have me and 1 other person. Everyone i talk to keeps telling me that this is a bad idea and i shouldnt do it. They tell me i should either stay at home, get a place by myself, or a place with me and george only. and when i say everybody im talking about 90% of the people i talk to. so i guess its not actually everybody but its most of the people. Maybe i should just live on my own, get an apartment bymsyelf. The only problem is that paying rent is going to be hard for me to do. Right now i dont even have a job lined up for myself, i have a possibility. Thats not good enough, i need to be assured that i can do this. Im just so worried that everything is going to fall apart. What should i do?

-over-
-heather
Comments: (0)

2 entries: Well this one is for George. > I hate when i fuck up.
Date: Jun 13th, 2005 4:26:36 am - Subscribe
Mood: defensive yet hurt and mad at myself.
Music: Silence

1. Title: Well this one is for George.
1. Mood: Calm, with a Huge Headache. Is that possible?

Hello Lover

This blog was created just for you. First off I wanted to tell you I Love You

-just so he cant say "i never said that" i just thought i would mention that i dont remember his exact words, just the general context-.

This is why I was mad:

its stupid really, i just have been really off lately and things have been setting me off really easy. I stayed the night at georges, and had a hard time sleeping and it was really late so i dont know why i couldnt sleep. Our alarms started going off at 3:30 or somethin, i was wide awake at 4am so i didnt have much sleep. I went home at 5:30. I spent the whole day with my family and they drove me insane. Then george called around 2 or 3 or so and said hes gonna call richard hang out with him so i was stuck with my family FOREVER. He ended up going to flint to the mall. Accoriding to his blog it says he got ditched by some girl when he was there, i found that funny.

So after having to be with my annoying family forever i went home and i went back to the computer and george called and said i should come over at 9 bc he had to do a few things. and i told him ive got a few things to do first so then ill be there. I called him later and asked what movie he wanted me to bring bc i forgot. He told me the movie and then started begging me to get pizza and breadsticks for him and he said he'd pay me back but he never actually does. He kept using the if you love me youll do it I didnt have much gas and i really didnt want to go and i wasnt hungry either but i love him so after a few minutes i gave in. So right after i got off the phone with him i drove out to little caesars and bought him his stuff and drove to his house. On the way there i see him brit and some girl (forgot her name) they were walking her home. So i show up to his house with his pizza and breadsticks he begged for and hes not there. He saw my car when i drove by so he called me. I was like umm i have your pizza where are you. He said i should go inside and wait till they get back and then come pick them up when they call me or just wait inside till they get back and they will walk home, stuff like that. I was like no the pizza you begged me for will be cold. Hes like awe im sorry, come pick us up and bring the pizza. and im like no forget it ill just go home or go somewhere else bye and then hung up.

So i went out bought the pizza he BEGGED/GUILT TRIPPED me into buying for him, showed up at his house and he wasnt even there. Then he wants me to waste the gas that i dont have in the first place to come pick him up bc he decided to walk this girl home instead of driving her. I know i probably shouldnt be mad but its just the fact that i feel like hes using me sometimes. I mean the day b4 he called me up and asked if id pick him up from that girls
house, i think her name is ashley or nicole or nancy or something. Im not sure, its some girl from myspace, some fans or something. Shes pretty cool, i think lol. So i went and picked his ass up. And hes always asking me to get him food, like his 6$ meals at mc donalds or wendys or his 8$ subs or whatever. Im tryin to save up for college and a house and everything else it the world so im a little stressed out. And he never listens to me and Im just aggrivated by alot of things.

I left his house, drove around for a little bit, headed out to burton corners put the pizza on top of my car, ate a couple slices although i wasnt hungry and drank a rootbeer while leaning on my car, by myself. A friend drove by and i talked to him for a long while then i talked to the lady at the counter for a while. I talked to her about george the whole time. Even though i was mad i never told anybody i was, i covered for his ass anytime somebody asked me where he was. I just pointed towards town and said hes that way taking somebody home i think. I didnt want to tell everyone that i was pissed off at him and i didnt want them to think hes an asshole or anything.

Then i headed home grabbed my inhaler went to the bathroom then went back driving. Then at 1150 i called him, i was going to go over there but i figured id see if he was sleeping already so i call and he has nick and sarah over and i really didnt want to be by people bc i was having a shitty day already and i had the biggest headache in the world ( i have a really bad problem with major headaches/migranes, my mom used to get them all the time ) So i told him ill just sleep at the admin so i pull in there and laydown and im still talking to him, kinda. Somebody was outside with their damn dogs driving me insane
so i decided id just go to his house so i went over to his house and he said he'd meet me outside. So i got there and got the tylenol out of my car took 3 and waited till he got outside. Then i we went inside and nick and sarah slept on the floor and george and i slept on the couch and that was my day yesterday.

I dont know, i know its stupid to get mad over nothin its just well yeah i dont know. Should I have been mad? or was i just being really stupid? or both?

Anyway I guess It doesnt really matter anymore, its over its done whatever. I only wrote this blog because i told him i would. I never told him why i was mad and i didnt feel like starting a fight or anything so i decided it would be better to type it here. I dont care if other people read this, he may but i dont care. It just shows that there are some bad things in relationships, i dont care if there are bad things that happen. I love him and thats all that matters to me, i can never stay mad at him. Thats what happens when you love someone. So one last time I would just like to say, George I Love You.

-over-
-heather

===========================

2. Title: I hate when i fuck up.
2. Mood: defensive yet hurt and mad at myself.

This is the second time i posted this. I posted it up on my myspace blog purposly for him, not to get back at him, just bc i wanted him to know. I told him i was posting it there so he would be able to read it right away. I have taken it off of myspace and placed it on here bc i do not want to fight with him and have either one of us feel like shit bc of this stupid thing. This is my personal Journal/Blog so i figured I would be safe to put it on here, I dont know as many people on here, ok i only know one and i dont even know the person actually, she just commented on one of my blogs so i dont even know if that counts and shes cool anyway so it doesnt matter.

Here are the screennames and comments i recieved from when it was posted on myspace from 11pm-430am:

11:01pm
Kelsey- hey sal. i think its cool that you were able to type how you really felt. i think that if i was in ur position, i would probably feel the same way. i would probably also get mad, so i cant say it was wrong for you to. but we all know that george loves you!! and so do i!! hehe....talk ta ya lata. lyl. kelsey

11:11pm
Kiki- you had a right to be mad-seems like he was really being an asshole... but you're being really mature about it... so you should just make him buy you a ton of candy and call it good.

11:15pm
Sunny- Hey guys are clueless when it comes to women. They do the dumbest things then wonder why we gt mad at them (and they think we're hard to figure out) It does help to write it out. MAYBE he'll read it and understand what he did that ticked you off...But I doubt it "wink"

11:21pm
Alissa- Heather, i think i would have felt the same way if i was in your position, Although i probably would have went to his house and screamed at him in front of everyone, because well... thats just who i am. But i think i have to agree. you were very mature how you went about handling this. But the only reason why you get so upset and mad about it is because you care for him. Well i think i've said what i had to say, talk to you later... <3 Alissa

12:28am
Timberwolves at New Jersey- i dont blame you hun. i prolly would have been much much more angry. he has no right to take advantage of you liek that. he relys on you too much...and you do things that he should be doing. it sounds sexist...and like a double standard, but the guy should but the girl food and take her out to eat...not beg you to, then ditch you to hang out with some dumb girls.

- The blog was only posted from 11pm-4:30am, it recieved about 27 views. -

Yeah he read it right after it was posted and then i headed over to his house and said we could talk about it. He was pissed about it. He didnt want me to post it so the world could see it. He says it makes him look like an asshole, and i only wrote it from my point of view and thats not the whole story and now everybody is going to think he is an asshole.

First thing i want him and the rest of the world to know this I LOVE GEORGE, HE is NOT an ASSHOLE, HE does NOT take ADVANTAGE OF ME, HE TREATS me GREAT, HE IS the BEST BOYFRIEND I COULD ASK FOR!