salanderh's Blog

Thinkin ... As Usual
Date: Jun 10th, 2005 12:02:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: damned
Music: My Eyes Burn - Matchbook Romance

I swear i feel so damn emo these days. I dont even know the meaning of happiness unless im with George. I have to go put on a show for people to make them think im happy just so they will leave me alone, sad isnt it. Im always feeling like complete shit. Im not doing a very good job at hiding it either. I guess i just dont want to have to hide anymore. After reading my myspace friend Liz's Blog, i have decided that i really do not want to have to hide anymore. I want to be myself, or at least try to be. Yeah i know i have these scars that i am extremely ashamed of but im always going to have them so i need to deal with it. Not many people know about them, i keep them hidden under my wristbands. I dont want people asking questions and treating me different. Its bad enough my family and friends treat me different bc of it. But I DONT WANT TO HIDE ANYMORE. I started taking my wristbands off more. When im in the car by myself or george's car, and when im alone with george, when i go to bed, basically when nobody is around. Its still hard for me to even look at them, i dont want to remember all the bad memories. It hurts to think about it. I need to get through this stuff. I havent cut in 1 yr and 3months. I am very proud of that, but i still hit things which is still considered hurting myself which is what i want to stop the most. And i want to do something about my anger problem as i said in a previous post. Im just affraid that things are going to turn out like last year. Im affraid of myself.
- -Things with George are going good of course. I keep having bad dreams though, break up dreams. I talk to him about it and he assures me that everything is ok and he loves me. I just worry. He is the only good thing i have going for me. I dont want to lose him. Its been 10 months and normally im not good with relationships. I dont want to screw this one up like i did to the others, yeah yeah i know it wasnt all my fault but still. Sometimes i wonder why he is even with me, im always so depressed or mad, its gotta drive him up the wall. I mean who wants to be with someone who is sad all the time, i wouldnt want to be... well i guess it just depends on the person. I know i shouldnt worry, i know he loves me. I just care so much that its well i dont know. I just Love him and dont want to lose him. I dont have to worry about that, I love him He loves me, and things are going good so why worry, im not going to. Or at least try not to.
- my family- is stressed out as hell.
-My dad is a GM worker, he goes back the 15th (FINALLY!!!) He doesnt really want to. All he was doing is complaining today. I dont want to be around when hes like that.
-My mom seems to be doing ok, shes stressed out about my brother, my open house and me.
-My brother is hopefully doing ok, but i dont know for sure. I dont talk to him much. Neither of us are ever home. Im always at georges and hes always at andreas. He just turned 21 on the 6th. We renewed his liscense and registration and then my dad and him went to the casino. After my brother got out of the hospitol i guess he decided he was going to stop drinking. He is an alcoholic, a bad one. I think he is going to start going to classes for it. I know he has to go talk to someone now, like i had to when i got out of the hospitol. I look up to him, i just want him to be happy.
- My little sister is doing ok...probably. I dont talk to her much. All we do is fight but occasionally we get along. Im a sucky sister, when i get pissed off at her i always say stupid things like "why dont you go die or something." i know i shouldnt say it and i dont mean to but it just comes out. I dont want her to die. I would be incredibly sad, as i would if it was my brother. I wish i wasnt so mean to her. We were good for a while, like after i got out of the hospitol. It lasted a long time but the more stressed depressed pissed off i got the meaner i got. I dont want to be the person who i am becomming. I need to change.
-The rest of my close family i dont talk to very often. I try to talk to krysta, i miss her. But most of the family doesnt like me anyway. Someone told them what i did to myself last year and now most of the family gives me the cold shoulder. Nice Family huh?
-Work- well work is going ok i guess. Its boring as hell. I sit there and do tutorials bc i never have anything to do. Ever since kraig left things in the office have sucked. We finally have 2 more clients for me to do through work, although id get paid a shit load if it was on my own. So im actually going to have stuff to do!!! thats good. I mean i even leave the office early, I NEVER used to do that, i used to stay WAY LATE. I get to work 20hrs/week now. which is better than 15 but still sucks. I would have more to do if they gave me more time. Plus i only get paid a very sad $5.75 per hour, which is what i started with a year ago. The boss is gonna try to get me more hours and possibly $. I really need it.
-This Summer- Well in July or soon or whenever its supposed to be, im supposed to be moving to lansing. Im going to go to LCC for a few years then i might transfer. Im going to choose classes on Monday.
-As for a job, im quiting my job in owosso and getting one in lansing. I have talked to a few places and may be able to get one but its not for sure. Other than that i dont know what im doing yet. I want to continue in my field but ya know i have to do what i have to do to get by.
-As for Living, i will be living with george and a couple other people. Hopefully it will go well. Im a little worried about it. We want to Either Rent or Buy a house. We should start out renting or rent to buy or somethin. Buying right off the bat is kinda stupid. We NEED to find a place though. i mean time is flying buy and we have to do somethin about this if we are going to make it work. Since there will be more then just me living there it will be easier to pay, although i dont really wanna live with a bunch of people. I have enough money to start off with plus i have my open house June 25th. I really need to buy a new computer for web design. I might buy that with my open house money and the rest will go to college and living. College is going to be mostly paid for.. kinda. I have my 2500$ scholarship and my 1500$ GM college money. That is going to help out EXTREMELY.
-Pets- my cat shadow had kittens and george got to keep one. My other cat got an abortion We took her in to get fixed and i guess she had kittens inside so she got an abortion and then fixed. Thats sad, my poor No Name (that is the cats name.) Oh yeah and one of my birds died last week. That was sad to but it didnt affect me for some reason.
-Jeremy- my best friend from 7th grade got ahold of me last week by email. He moved away in 7th grade and i used to see him a couple times a year but then i havent seen him in like 2-3 years. I miss him. He was supposed to move here for his senior year but couldnt. It sucked. He is doing really well though. He is a MAJOR computer guy, he is REALLY smart, and he already has a 12f college credits and hes going to ferris state. Its just been so long. I miss him, he was my best friend, and almost more at one time. My best friends always seem to move away. Jeremy, Richard, Steph, Becky i could go down an extremely long list.
-ME- as for myself and how im doing... im not sure what to say. Im not doin the greatest, of course i say im alright but im not. I dont want people to worry about me. I havent hit anything in a while. Ive wanted to, oh have i ever wanted to, it was bad. BUT i didnt and thats the important thing. Im always so damn angry and depressed and what pisses me off even more is that i dont even know why. Its bullshit. I mean you'd think i would know why i was feeling that way. Everytime that i get pissed off ill be really pissed off and a couple minutes later i completely forget what i was mad about but im still EXTREMELY mad even though i have no reason to be. I do alot of thinking and thats what keeps me down. Things were better when i just didnt care about anything. I felt better and i wasnt so down all the time. Now i just worry about everything. It sucks. I really wish i could talk about this to people, especially george but its so hard for me to talk, thats why im trying to resort to writing so at least he can read it and know somewhat whats going on. I try to tell him everything i can and im VERY honest with him but i want to talk to him and explain what is wrong or why im crying or whatever. I cry alot more than i used to. I NEVER used to cry and now i sit here and cry myself to sleep almost every night. Im sick of feeling this way. I hate being alone at night bc i know im going to feel like this and i know what will happen when i try to go to sleep. I need to hold something when i sleep, ive always been that way. I have my fish but i feel better and sleep better when someone is there holding me.

Im sure all of my blogs are a complete shock to most of you guys. As eminem puts it:

" I act like shit don't phase me,
Inside it drives me crazy!
My insecurities could eat me alive."

And of course Smile Empty Soul says this just perfect as well:

"No one knows the way I feel a part of me I have to fight
Buried somewhere deep beneath my skin
The emptiness in me is faded
And I can see my life is waiting
Now I know I’m living for who I am"

And then another Verse from Smile Empty Soul which puts this very well:

"And everything seems great and everyone is fake
No one really knows you
Look into their eyes
Rip off your disguise
Let them see the real you"

I used to be good ole happy-go-lucky heather and now im just a fuckin psycho.

-over-
-heather

Comments: (1)

My Anger & Hitting Problem
Date: Jun 9th, 2005 9:48:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: numb
Music: Silence

Thursday, June 09, 2005


I know I have an anger problem and I want to do something about it. i cant even refrain from hurting myself, yeah at least ive made a HUGE accomplishment by stopping cutting but i never stopped hitting things. I just get so upset or mad that it drives me insane and i just start hitting things, harder and harder until blood is everywhere and my hands are bruised and swollen. Its scary when you cant tell yourself to stop.

Some of you understand what im talking about, but im sure most of you think you do, but you DONT, not unless you've been through what i have been though. Whether you were on the inside of the problem or the outside of the problem, you can only know if you were involved.

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Here is something I found online that I think will help:
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Question:
How do you stop yourself from getting so angry so easily and how do you stop yourself from hitting things

Answer:
The first step in breaking a habit, is knowing that you have a habit. It is important to develop self-awareness as to the reasons for your anger. One helpful technique is to keep a daily journal of anger situations and one's reactions in that anger. You will start to notice patterns in your anger, i.e., more stress on a certain day of the week or even a certain time of the day. You may notice that your anger is only with a certain group of people and/or in only select situations. As you become aware of the underlying issues of your anger, you can work on those issues and thus gain more self-control. The issue of hitting things is typically learned. In the recent past many were encouraged to "express their anger". This expression was seen in the yelling out of the anger in encounter groups, hitting pillows or even punching bags. The problem became one of learning to link hitting with anger, not a way of managing or controlling one's anger. To stop hitting things, one needs to find alternative ways to deal with his/her anger. These are taught within the ACT program, i.e., learning to understand your own anger, empathy, self-talk, relaxation skills, time-out procedures, proper use of humor, communication skills, assertiveness, problem-solving and the use of forgiveness.
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I want to to feel better and stop hurting physically and emotionally.
Im going to need help from other people, I know I cant do this by myself and im NOT going through any more Anger Groups!

Just please try to understand and try to be here for me. Im going through some rough times and I like to be alone when I feel like this. I cant trust myself not to hurt other people. I mean I hurt myself so what happens when someone else is there. I just want to stop hurting. I hope you all understand. If not then Im sorry.

-over-
-heather

- My body begins to fill with Anger and I no longer have control...
Comments: (0)

Im sick of these bad dreams - make them go away
Date: Jun 9th, 2005 9:47:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hurt
Music: Silence

Monday, June 06, 2005

They seem to be comming more often now. I used to dream all the time then suddenly they stopped. When i started taking my sleeping medicine i would have a variety of dreams each night. Then i quit taking the meds and they went away but now they are back again. I love to dream. Dreaming is an escape from reality. The dreams i am having right now hurt as soon as i am back in reality. After I wake up I hurt all day, and sometimes longer. Should a simple dream cause this much pain? Here are some of my most recent dreams and no they are not in order. I dont remember which comes first.

1. My Boyfriend and i were driving with his niece somewhere and i got out and started walking to some park and hes niece went with me and was like, "hes going to break up with you" and i was like "what why is that" and she just said she didnt know and that i should talk to him so i went to the car and started talking to him. we both sat their in silence and then he said "heather, we need to break up" i asked why and he said "heather, i love you...but" and then i woke up.

2. I was in a club listening to a band play. The lights were dim and the place was crowded. I walked outside to get some fresh air. My Best Friend followed me out there. I stopped in a parking space between two cars and my best friend came up behind me and put his arms around me and stuff. I looked up and said "This time you've crossed the line" then i flipped him over my shoulder and threw him on the ground and kicked the shit out of him. Then after he was really messed up i turned around and walked down the sidewalk into the club, my hands were dripping in blood. I walked in and sat in a high table. The guy at the bar brought me a drink. People kept comming up to me talking and asked about my hands but i didnt talk back. Then somebody sat across from me, and an evil feeling filled the air. Before i got a chance to see who it was i woke up.

3. I was at my boyfriends house in his room talking to him, telling him i have been thinking about cutting again, its been really bad and i really want to. He looked at me and turned around heading upstairs. I followed him upstairs and stopped once i hit his living/family room. I stood looking out his window/doors. "its just so hard not to" i said to him all he said back to me was "dont." in a very mad voice. I looked over at him and he reached for one of the large sharp knives. He began carving my name into his wrist while i yelled to him "STOP IT, DONT, PLEASE, STOP" but he continued to do it until it was finished. I was crying. I went over to him and held on to him and said "You know im going to do it now, i have to do it" Then i stared at his wrist for a few seconds. I reached over for the knife and then i woke up.

4. I was in a combat video game setting. I was shooting a shotgun behind a large boulder. Behind me there were three other people hiding from the action. I threw my shotgun over to the guy closest to me that was helping me protect the three people. I grabbed a faster shooting gun. We were killing people, when i saw a little kitten run under a link in log looking thing, it was about 3 feet tall. I put down my gun and ran after the kitten. I finally caught the kitten, picked it up and held it in my hands, then snapped its neck, looked at it again, smiled and threw it on the ground. Then i woke up

5. I was in a cave video game setting with my boyfriend. We were talking and then he broke up with me. I started crying and stood there for a few seconds watching him run away from me. He ran into a maze in the cave. Then i ran after him but after a few minutes stopped. I sat down and started to cry. Then i woke up.

6. I was at georges house in his room. His house was in 4D space style. I had to go from room to room and destroy everything. I got badly injured. After i destroyed everything i went back to his room and destroyed myself. Then i woke up

7. I was sitting in my room on my bed. I had a knife by my side. I wanted to do it so bad. I kept thinking of ways to hide it. What everyone would say if they found out. The look on georges face when he found out. I was thinking of ways to do it. And how good it felt. I was thinking about the horrible things that were to come of it. I was thinking about how i would end up in the hospitol again. Then after thinking about all of these things i ripped off my wristbands and took the knife to my skin. Deep cuts were made and blood went everywhere. I fell onto my side, crying, holding my wrists, and saying "How could i do this to myself again." Then i woke up and realized i was holding my wrist and i freaked bc i thought i really did do it. i was checking my wrist out but there was nothing there. it was just a dream

8. Im always having dreams about george and i breaking up. I guess its just because Im affraid of losing him. I finally get something good going for me and i dont want to lose it. My psychologist says i have those kind of dreams and panic attacks because im affraid to get close to people and im affraid to let myself feel happy. Im always in protective defensive mode. I dont want to keep having bad dreams, especially these specific dreams.

9. All of the dreams i keep having are about death, me hurting people, me hurting myself, george breaking up, losing things important to me, sadness.

I just dont want to hurt anymore. Everytime i have one of these dreams i wake up feeling like complete shit all day. It drives me crazy. I want to be happy. I shouldnt feel bad by something thats not even real. I mean it didnt actually happen so why is it still affecting me. I hate this.

-over-
-heather
Comments: (1)